"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." - Unknown
Its a few days later, when I'm waiting in line for an audition, that I receive the call. I feel my hands clenching the plastic of the chair, my nails digging into the tacky material. I hear my name being called and find myself standing up and walking away from the voice and out of the building. I'm not sure how I make it home; I just know that when I walk in the door that Noah is on the floor but that he is blurry. It's only then that I realize that there are tears pouring from my eyes.
He looks up at me with genuine concern and drops the game controller in his hands, before pulling me down to him. I can feel the way his eyes are evaluating me, concern flooding his features as I continue to remain silent. I bury my face in his neck, my breathing haggard against his skin and he strokes my back, his hand shaking.
"Rach, you're starting to scare me."
I don't trust my voice to speak, so instead I clutch his shirt in my fists and pull him closer to me. The feel of him with me, holding me, is soothing and my heart slowly begins to calm down as does my breathing. I pull back and look him in the eyes, seeing the wrinkles that have formed around them as he has held me.
"Noah," my voice is tiny and unbelievably quiet, "there was an accident."
His face pales and there is a moment where it's hard to believe that he has ever pulled off a tough guy bravado. Then his hands are shaking me and he is asking me question after question and for some reason my mind is having difficulty forming the words. I've lived through this moment before, but for some reason my mind still can't wrap around it.
I don't know how to tell him, not sure how the words are going to come out of my mouth and I find my hand resting against his face hoping to soothe the blow I am about to deliver.
"Quinn and her husband," my breath catches and I swallow it back forcing myself to continue, "Quinn and her husband were driving home from visiting his parents. A semi driver fell asleep, Noah, and crashed into their car. She was killed on impact. Jason called me from the hospital, he has a broken wrist but otherwise he's fine; he wanted you to know because he knew that you two still kept in contact."
His body goes rigid and I can sense more than feel that he recoils from me just a bit. The action hurts worse than I can possibly remember and I find myself off of his lap and sitting on the couch. He doesn't speak, doesn't move, and the apartment is so deadly quiet that I swear I can hear the kids three floors down running around.
I knew that Quinn was a touchy subject, knew about their ill-doomed relationship junior year after Beth was given away. Noah had mentioned that he kept in contact with Quinn and I had seen the pictures of Beth that Shelby had sent to them. I knew that the love and loss he was feeling was for the mother of his child and yet to see the look of devastation on his face hurt way more than my fragile self was willing to admit.
Pushing my feelings of rejection away I got up off the couch and made my way to him. I let my arms drape around his shoulders and found my cheek resting against the top of his head. I looked at the TV screen and watched the words "paused" bounce around the blackened screen, the dead bodies just barely detectable. He doesn't move, doesn't even blink, and instead of giving up, of getting up and walking out (what I did last time), I stay that way for hours just holding him.
I'm not sure what I expect when he finally reacts, but I'm surprised to see the small teardrops dripping down his cheeks. His arms reach around and pull me into his lap and my back aches at the sudden movement after having stood so still for such a long period of time. He buries his face into my hair and I hear and feel each deep inhalation that he takes. His arms are wrapped tightly around me, his fingers digging into my sides but I can't find it in me to voice any complaints. Instead my hands make their way to his head, gently stroking as I softly hum to him.
As we gently rock together, in each other's arms, I realize that as badass as he swears he is that he is still human too and that sometimes he needs comfort just as much as I would. I help him up from the floor and pull him back to the bedroom. I tug off all of his clothes and gently push him into bed. I pull off my own clothes and then gently climb into the bed behind him, letting my arms wrap around him. I hum and sing softly, watching the flicker of his eyes as they stare at the wall and ceiling until he falls asleep.
#
It's sometime in the middle of the night when I wake up in bed, alone and cold. The light from the window illuminates the room enough that I can maneuver about, grabbing a shirt and pulling it over my bare body. I make my way down the hall and into the living area. The TV is on low and the screen flickers, making the room take on an eerie blue glow. Noah is in his boxers, his eyes closed tightly, worry lines etched into his forehead, and his mouth is open a gentle snore escaping his lips.
I try my hardest not to take it personally. Try to push the longing that is suddenly making the pit of my stomach ache out of my mind. I pull the blanket from the back of the couch and lay it across him, gently tucking it around him. I turn off the TV, place a gentle kiss on his forehead, and then trek my way back to our room. It's chilly in bed without Noah, so I leave the shirt on and grab a pair of his boxers tugging them on as well. I pull the comforter off of the desk and wrap it around me, snuggling into the bed.
That night I lay awake staring at the ceiling, the feeling of loneliness so effervescing within me that I force my face into the pillow to block out my cries. I try to ignore the despair that is growing within me, the feeling of doubt that even with this second chance I will not be able to keep him. I eventually fall into a restless sleep my dreams plagued with empty screaming faces.
#
When morning comes, I refuse to pull myself from the cocoon I have made around me. The comforter has twisted and contorted to my body and I know that if I just dip my head down a little bit I will be completely immersed. Before I really even think about it, I find myself burrowing deeper, letting myself be fully engulfed by the fabric.
I can hear music being played from some other apartment, can hear the buzz of the dryers alarm, and the stomping of someone's feet as they walk up the stairs. It's hard to believe that I have come to equate these sounds to home and to comfort, but I have.
A sigh escapes my lips and not seconds later the bed shifts next to me. I can feel the fabric being pulled away and the chill of the air rushes onto my skin, causing me to squeal and pull tightly to it.
"Damnit, B," Noah scolds gently, "let me in."
I quickly flip up the edge, letting him crawl under, before making him tuck it around him. The light coming through the fabric is dimmed and the air tastes stale, it's wonderful. I can feel the heat of each of his breaths as he lies next to me.
"I thought you were claustrophobic?" His eyes scan over my features, lingering on his boxer shorts for just a moment, before they meet mine.
"I am," I reply shrugging my shoulders, "strangely this isn't bothering me."
The silence between us is heavy and I can't help but notice how intently he is staring at anything but me. I don't want to push him, don't want to fight with him here in this protective cocoon I've made. Instead of pushing, I roll to my side, letting my fingers tug at a loose string that is hanging down. I watch it slip and curl around my finger until his hand reaches up, grasping mine. Our fingers entwine and I feel him pulling me closer, my back brushing against his chest.
"Thank you," he whispers, his lips brushing against my temple. I'm not sure if he is thanking me for my silence or for something else, so I just nod my head in response. He seems to understand my confusion though, because he holds me tighter his lips brushing against my hair as he speaks. "I know how hard that was to find me on the couch, how much that must have hurt you. Yet instead of taking it personally you made sure that I was alright and comfortable and then left me alone. I'm so sorry baby; I just woke up in the middle of the night and felt like I couldn't breathe. I was hoping that the TV would turn my thoughts off, just for a little bit."
Noah's hands brush against the bare skin of my stomach, his fingers trailing the expanse of my skin just above his boxers. I'm not sure what to really say to him, not sure that there is any placation I can give that will change the pain that he is feeling. I'm really not as big of a person as he seems to think I am. Finding him on the couch did hurt, even with his explanation. We are in a relationship and are supposed to be turning to each other. The fact that he chose to run instead of wake me up kind of bothers me.
His palm flattens against my stomach and slowly begins to move upwards, his mouth moving along the back of my neck. I can hear the whimper escape my lips as his fingertips reach the bottom of my breast, gently brushing against it.
My eyes are clenched tight, my breathing is ragged. His tongue flicks out, licking the shell of my ear. I can feel his pants of breath across the wet skin.
"I love you, B, you know that."
He pulls the boxers down my legs, his hands manipulating and moving my body until I am so close that it's almost painful. The sweat is dripping down my forehead, my hair is plastered to my head, and I feel him move behind me tugging his shorts off.
He pushes inside of me words slipping gently off his lips. I listen to the "I love you's" and the way my name "Rachel," tumbles and falls from his lips.
He spends the day making it up to me, only the way he can.
#
The funeral is planned for later that week. All of the original glee members are going to be there and I realize that this is the first time I am going to see Finn since I have "borrowed time," or whatever you want to call it.
We make the trip from New York City to Columbus, Ohio slowly. Our train of cars stopping at random intervals to fuel up and get food. It's at one of these stops that I notice the look on Finn's face. It's similar to the one that Noah had the night he found out, but there is more despair in his eyes than I have ever seen.
I find myself walking over to him and pulling him into a hug. His head rests against my shoulder, his body hunkered down and shuddering against me. Brittany is watching the interaction, her hand covering her mouth as the tears fall down her face. Santana is leaning against her, arms wrapped securely around Britt. Mike and Tina are leaning against their car. Tina's brow is furrowed her eyes on me. Mike is looking off in the distance, his eyes on Noah.
I turn my head, my eyes meeting his, and find Noah's "badass" hard face. It's a look I haven't seen for years and one that reminds me of the boy that he was in high school. My hand unconsciously brushes Finn's hair in a soothing manner and I swear that I can almost see the steam coming out of Noah's ears. I pat Finn gently on the back before pulling away and walking across the parking lot, my arms wrapping around Noah. He squeezes me to his side, his posture and motions clear to everyone.
'She is mine.'
There is a staring contest, a few dirty looks, and then everyone loads themselves into their respective vehicles. I know that I should be upset at the Neanderthal display, know that I should tell Noah off for being such a poor friend. We still have several miles of our journey ahead of us, not to mention the visitation and funeral. Instead of saying anything, I find myself sliding over on the bucket seat of his truck, my head resting on his shoulder and my hand tangling with one of his. I bring his fingers up to my lips and kiss them in what I hope is a reassuring gesture.
A small smile suddenly appears on his face and I find that I can't help but smile softly in return.
I'm kind of plesantly surprised at how quickly this story is coming to me. Thanks to those of you who reviewed, added to your favs, or added to alerts!
Quick question: The sneak peeks that I am sending out in response to reviews... are you guys liking that or no? Let me know...mmmk?
It's looking like this is probably going to be longer than I was thinking... which means that I am looking for a beta! If your interested, send me a PM!
Coming up: Some Finnchel history and major tension!
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