"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." – James Truslow Adams
I'm sitting on a bench a block or so away from the diner when Noah finally finds me. His hands are raking through the short stubble of his hair, his mouth muttering a murmur of curses, and there are clear lines of worry on his forehead.
"You don't just fucking take off, Rachel!" his voice is quiet, terse and to the point, "Especially in a city where you don't know your fucking way around."
I'm not really sure how to respond, not sure how to tell him that I couldn't sit in that diner for another minute no matter how hard I tried, so I just shrug my shoulders. The fresh air has calmed my rapid breathing and I think that I have finally composed myself enough that I'm not going to break. I can tell that he is more than a little frustrated, and a bit angry, and I'm not sure how to handle everything that is inside of me while still trying to help him.
"I just needed a minute," I whisper as he sits down on the bench beside me, "I just needed to breathe."
He looks at me through the darkness of the night, his eyes settling on my tired and worn face and nods his head. I've always been one to talk about my problems, to vent and rant every little detail until some small part of me feels better. So I know, without a doubt, that my silence is a bit unnerving to him. I find myself opening my mouth, to speak or explain, but words the just won't come out.
Instead I find myself looking up at the stars letting the few small tears fall down my face.
"As a child," my voice breaks on the word child and I pause for a moment before continuing, forcing the memories of Aden out of my mind. "As a child, I used to send every wish, hope, or dream I had up to the stars. I would sit in my window, eyes clenched tight, with my face towards the sky and whisper the things that no one, sometimes even myself, knew that I wanted."
I'm giving him a piece of me, a part that no one else knows, and I find myself pausing to choose my words carefully. I find my face turning from the stars to look at him, silenly hoping he understands what I am telling him.
"I've wished for so many things over the years," I continue cautiously, "some inconsequential, some in regards to my career, and some out of loneliness. I've gone to these very stars with sorrow and tears in my eyes begging for things that never even seemed a possibility."
I look back up at the stars and I picture Aden cradled in my arms, his head resting against my neck. His breathing is soft and gentle, each exhalation a puff on my skin. I press a kiss on his temple, inhaling his scent. He smells like dirt and grass and honey; it's literally the best smell in the world.
"I'm not going to lie to you and say that Finn wasn't a big part of those wishes when we were in high school. Back then I thought I was in love with him, that he was my forever. But the thing with wishes, Noah, is that as you get older they change and grow into something much more meaningful. Lately, I've found my wishes, almost all of them, are about you."
I pause for a moment, letting the words linger between us. "I know that you and Finn have this whole dominant male peacocking thing, but it's not needed. I love you, Noah, so much that sometimes it's just hard to breathe. I also know that you're hurting right now over Quinn; that you are trying to deal with it on your own. I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand, no matter how much it hurts, I'm trying."
I don't expect him to respond, after all Noah is not one to share his feelings lightly. I stand up and silently wait for him to digest everything I've been saying. When he finally rises and stands beside me, his face is twisted in confusion and frustration. We begin the short walk back to his truck, but he pauses after just a few steps and looks at me.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"Just the truth," I reply as gently as I can.
"I'm never going to be the type of guy that can sit and spill his feelings like Finn, I'm not like that and you know it." He runs his hands over his face, a sigh escaping his lips. "In so many ways you've made my life miserable, Rach, ever since I met you. You make me feel too much, and sometimes I just can't take it. All I want to fucking do right now is shut down but I look at you and I just can't."
His hands are scraping against his scalp, his eyes closed as he continues to talk.
"I fucking love you too, Rach, so much that it terrifies me. I saw Finn sitting with you and literally all I could see was his fingers touching your fucking hair and I just snapped. I know you're trying so hard that it's literally draining you. You think I didn't see that stupid fucking show face your wore all day, that I didn't see how much you were freaking out on the inside? I know you, Rach, better than anyone else. Sure Quinn was a bitch and you didn't really like her, but you care about people Rach, way more than you fucking should and this shit is bothering you."
Noah opens his eyes to look at me, the furrows on his forehead relaxing slightly. Leaning over, he places a gentle peck on my temple, a small hum escaping his lips.
"Let's head back to the hotel."
#
That night I dream of Aden.
His mop of hair is bouncing up and down as he jumps on the couch. Finn is sitting next to him, head thrown back in laughter. It's his victory dance that really kills me. His arms are flailing in front of him in a circular motion to a tune only he can hear. He has on the biggest smile, his eyes are full of excitement, and his cheeks are tinged red.
In the dream, I can't help but laugh at the pure joy on his face, the way he sticks his tongue between his teeth in a teasing gesture. He squeals in excitement, when he sees me out of the corner of his eyes, launching himself off the couch to give me an overzealous hug and sloppy kisses.
When I wake up, it's a bit like having my world tilt on its axis.
The sun outside is shining brightly, Noah is laying in bed next to me his arm thrown around my waist, and I've never been so confused in my entire life.
#
"Hey mopey-mc-moperson," Britt calls out across the dining room, her eyes looking over at Noah and I before raising an eyebrow at me. "Ditch the man and come sit with me and San."
The three of us sit at a small, separate, table. The dining room of the hotel is packed with people mulling about, drinking coffee and having breakfast. The rest of our group has sequestered themselves in the corner the farthest away from where we are sitting. Bursts of laughter and loud chatter can be heard.
"Are you alright?" San questions, as she tears into her bagel. "What happened last night was kind of messed up."
I pick at the cinnamon roll on my plate, ripping small pieces off and placing them in my mouth as I think about Noah and my conversation the night before. I take a sip of my coffee, letting the warmth of the liquid warm my insides.
"We had a good talk and everything is fine."
Either Britt and San are more skeptical than I had originally thought or I entirely missed something yesterday, by the look on both of their faces.
"You stormed out of the restaurant last night!" Britt exclaims with exasperation as if she is not used to my diva-like fits.
"I didn't storm out," I reply petulantly, "I was just really tired."
"Puck fucking went berserk." San mutters as her eyes dart across the room to look at him, "He walked out after you and you were just gone. I don't think I have ever seen him that worried or that pissed before. Finn made some smart ass comment about him getting what he deserved. I think if Puck wasn't so concerned about finding you that Finn would probably be sitting over there right now, with a few bruises."
"I was a block away!" I groan at the obvious over-dramatization of the night's events. "Noah literally found me within 5 minutes."
I take another drink of my coffee and sneak a glance across the room. Mike, Matt, and Kurt are sitting between Noah and Finn. I'm not sure if they consciously or unconsciously put such a large gap between the two men, but it's there plain as day.
"Do you ever wonder," Britt's says soothingly, "what would have happened if you and Finn had stayed together? Do you think you would have been happy with him?" I try not to act surprised by her question, and take a moment to contemplate how to answer it.
"I wasn't happy with Finn in high school and staying with him would have been a huge mistake. He was so concerned about what everyone else thought of our relationship that he wasn't really present for any of it. Was I hurt when we finally broke up? Of course I was, but I was also more than a little relived. I wasn't really expecting a relationship with Noah to happen, but it did. I love him, so much and he makes me happy. Isn't that all that really matters?"
They are quiet for a moment, absorbing my words. Britt nods her head and smiles at me, her arm wrapping around and pulling me into a sideways hug. Santana rolls her eyes, but she has a huge smile on her face. I feel like somehow, in some way, I have just passed an unspoken test.
"Then why," San questions, "do you look so blue today? You and Puck are obviously still sickeningly in love." She rolls her eyes at me, teasingly.
"I had a dream that's just bothering me a little bit." The minute the words leave my lips, I mutter a small curse under my breath. There is no way I can explain to San and Britt that this is my second chance, no way I can explain that in the future I am with Finn and that we have a son together. I can tell by the looks on both of their faces that they are dying to ask questions, so I ry my hardest to avoid and deflect.
"So after the funeral this morning, before we start the drive back home, why don't we stop at the mall and do some shopping?"
"Why don't you tell us why you're avoiding the topic you know we really want to talk about?" San questions, amusement in her eyes. I look over her shoulder, signaling desperately with my eyes at Noah. He looks over, sees the panic on my face, and literally starts laughing. Jerk.
"Nice try," Britt chuckles.
"There is nothing to talk about," my voice sounds less firm than I want it to which only seems to encourage them. After a few minutes of heckling I finally give in, letting a groan out as I drop my head onto the table. "I just had a dream about a beautiful little boy," a small sigh escapes my lips.
"Oh my fucking god," Santana squeals causing everyone in the dining room, including our friends, to stop and stare. My head shoots up from the table and I shoot her a look that is both filled with panic and anger. "Keep moving on people, nothing to see here," she bellows through her laughter.
The eyes turn away slowly and I can feel the blush on my cheeks heating my skin. "So NOT funny," I growl under my breath, running a hand through my hair in embarrassment.
"Rachel, are you pregnant?" Santana continues quietly, as if no one was staring at us. "Because that would explain the strange behavior and the new eating habits you have seemed to pick up."
A throat clears behind Brittany and we all look up, startled to see Finn standing there. His eyes are as big as saucers and he has a small frown on his face. I'm not sure if he is still upset about the previous night or if he heard what Santana said, but he is studiously avoiding looking at me. "We need to get going shortly, so you guys should head up and start getting ready."
I'm so mortifyingly embarrassed that I rise from the table and sprint out of the room.
#
As hard as I try, I can't find a moment to be alone with Britt and San without someone watching or hearing what we are talking about. The absurdity that they would jump from me having a dream to me being pregnant isn't lost on me, but I need to clarify before one of them opens their big mouths and everyone is talking.
Finally, at the reception after the funeral, San grabs me and Britt and literally drags us down the hall away from everyone. We duck into an empty room, the door clicking closed behind us.
"I'm not pregnant," I blurt out quickly before they can get a word in. San reaches into her purse and whips out a box, holding it out to me with her eyebrow raised. "Where in the hell," I question in awe.
"We had to stop at the gas station on the way here," Britt has a mischievous smile on her face, "we told the guys that we had to pee and that it couldn't wait."
"That's all fine and good," I reply my hands flailing through the air with exasperation, "but I know I'm not pregnant. I'm on the pill."
San shakes the box in front of me and I realize they aren't going to believe me until I pee on the damn thing. I stuff the box into my purse as we exit the room, rolling my eyes, and head towards the only bathroom in this tiny box of a place.
As we walk past their table, I hear Kurt mutter something about girls going to the bathroom in groups and ignore the death glares Santana and Brittany shoot him. Britt looks so nervous that her face is literally pale and Santana stands in front of the bathroom door shooting glares at anyone who looks our direction. I make my way into one of the tiny stalls and rip the box open.
Three minutes later, the two of them are huddling over the negative test and I can't help but laugh at the look on their faces. "I told you I wasn't pregnant," I reply softly.
"I just thought," San mutters.
"Puck has super sperm," Britt answers.
Laughter escapes our lips and I find myself smashed between the two in a group hug. "Since you couldn't keep your opinions to yourself, San, you get to be the one to talk to Finn." She shrugs her shoulders and shimmies out the door, zeroing right in on Finn and grabbing him. I watch the two of them disappear down the hall. Britt makes her way over to Quinn's husband, stopping to talk to him for a moment.
I'm a bit surprised by the sadness that seems to overtake me once they've gone.
I make my way slowly through the crowd, looking for Noah. I can't seem to find him, so I sit down next to Tina listening as her and Mike talk to Mr. Schuester. I'm a bit surprised when Noah pops up behind me, an unidentifiable look on his face.
"Rachel, we need to talk, now."
#
The last time I was in a closet with Noah was senior year of high school. Somehow he had convinced me that skipping was the 'right thing to do' and we had ended up spending all of first and second period smashed against the wall of the janitor's closet.
The closet he finds, and pulls me into, is not a janitor's closet. There are a few small boxes in the corner and a small shelf at the back, but otherwise it is completely empty. "There is something going on," Noah says, "there has to be something going on. You girls have been acting so weird all day. Then Finn comes up to me after the service and fucking tells me to take better care of you. I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but you're going to tell me."
This whole thing has gotten so blown out of proportion that I can't help but groan. Of course some whiff of this would get back to Noah. I run my hands through my hair, tugging on the ends a bit as I bite my lip. "Well, see the thing is I had this dream last night. When I told San and Britt about it they kind of came to the wrong conclusion."
"And what conclusion was that?" his voice is gruff through the quiet. I can barely see him in the darkness of the room. I figure that the quicker I get this over with the better.
"They thought I was pregnant. Finn was obviously eavesdropping and overheard."
Complete silence.
I'm freaking out and I can hear the whoosh of my heart in my ears. The words spill out of my mouth like word-vomit (as Noah likes to call it). "I'm not pregnant. I had a dream last night about a little boy and when I told them they immediately jumped to that conclusion. I told them I wasn't but they didn't believe me so they made me take a test in the bathroom. Apparently San and Britt think that you have super sperm or something and wouldn't take my word for the fact that I'm on the pill. San is down the hall now trying to explain it to Finn so he doesn't say anything to anyone. I'm so sorry I even opened my damn mouth this morning. They were both harassing me about last night and when…"
My words are cut off by his lips.
Grabbing my hips, he picks me up and pushes me against the wall manipulating and molding my body to his. I can't help the shiver that goes down my spine as his hands tangle in my hair and his teeth nip at my bottom lip.
I pull away, gasps escaping my lips. "I'm sorry." I whisper.
His mouth traces a trail from my chin to my ear, where he nibbles on it, his tongue flicking out to soothe the bites. I feel his breaths poof out over the wet skin as he whispers "Don't apologize, for some reason the thought of you pregnant with my child is fucking hot."
Picking my legs up, he wraps them around his waist. I feel him maneuver beneath me and hear the whoosh as his pants hit the floor. He reaches down and shifts my skirt up, sliding my underwear to the side. With a single thrust, I can feel all of him fully inside me.
My eyes are clenched tight but I can hear our labored breaths bouncing through the small room. An occasional grunt escapes his lips as he moves and I find myself biting my lip to keep from crying out. My legs tighten around him, trying to bring him closer
It's too much and not enough at the same time.
"I love you," I cry as my eyes open. The intensity in his eyes is what sends me over the edge and I find his name tumbling off my lips over and over again.
So I know this took like forever to get out... I've been having massive lap top issues that have resulted in more cursing and google searches for lap top parts than I care to admit.
Next chapter is kinda angsty... but angst is good... right?
Coming up: fights, history, and a whole smudge of Puckleberry
N