"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." – Anais Nin
I feel, in so many ways, as if my life is on an endless track of repeats. Something about being home, being with Dad and Daddy, makes me think of the past and of the future. As much as I hate to admit it, there is a part of me that will always love Finn. I find myself inexplicably drawn to him in so many ways. He was my first true boyfriend (I am so not counting Jessie). Not only did he give me Aden, who was truly my pride and joy, but we were happy, if only for a little while.
Then there is also a chunk of me, a pretty large one, which loves Noah more than words can express. He has this way of seeing past all my talk and bullshit, which I love. He can also be infuriating and childish and I swear sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out. But it's that same childlike quality which makes him inventive and creative. When I'm with him, I can truly be myself with no mask or pretenses. It's comforting and relaxing; I feel like I'm home when I'm with him.
I'm starting to realize that no matter what I choose, no matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt. No matter what, I'm going to have regrets.
#
I feel this connection with Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz; you know how something happens and swoops her up into this whole new life. I was so heartbroken, so shattered and lost after walking away from Noah that I let life just move and carry me with it, not really interested in the journey or the destination. Everything leading up to when Finn and I got back together is a blur of activity.
There is one thing I do know, though. After everything with Noah came crashing down, Finn was there for me. Period. He was there for the nights of tears, there when I just wanted a distraction, and he was there just to be there. There is something so inherently good about Finn, something innocent about him that calls to me. It's those parts of him that help put me back together; a task I'm not sure I could have accomplished on my own.
Our second first kiss happened in a park.
It was a Tuesday night. I remember how dark the sky was, the way I could barely see the stars through the clouds. A storm was brewing in the sky, one that was matching the storm that was brewing inside of me. I was so confused about my feelings for Noah, so confused about my relationship with Finn that I found myself racing towards the one place I knew I could find solace.
Whenever in my life I felt restless, whenever I could not sleep, when I was down in the dumps I would find myself in the park, swinging. I like the feel of the breeze as it blows past my face, the way my legs pump in tune to my heart, and the way I soar higher and higher in the air. I'm in my own little bubble, separated from whatever has led me there, and able to fully process my thoughts and feelings.
The first few drops of rain had started to fall, when I watched him walking up the path towards me. When Finn finally reached me, he sat on the swing next to me, his body engulfing it. His legs bent awkwardly as he rocked silently next to me.
"How did you know where I was?" I questioned turning my head to look at him through the darkness of the night. My voice sounded tiny, distant, in comparison to the gusts of wind signaling an oncoming storm.
"I know you, Rach." He whispered knowingly, his hand reaching over tentatively to grasp mine over the metal chains. "This is your way of escaping, your way of thinking. I figured that you would be here, trying to find solace."
He had looked so worn, so tired. There were small bags under his eyes and his shoulders and arms seemed to sag, as if he was tired of carrying the weight of them. There was fierceness in his eyes though, a steady determination that had seemed to be brewing for quite awhile.
"I need to tell you something, because I can't keep quiet about it any longer. I know you're hurting and I'm trying to give you the time and the space that you need. But I think that you also need to know," Finn paused for a moment, his eyes clenched tight before opening them and truly looking at me, through me. "I love you, Rach. "
And then he leaned over and kissed me.
His kiss wasn't intense and full of passion like Noah's; it wasn't dominating or demanding. It was simple and light, barely a brush of tongue. It was comforting. For the first time in awhile I felt wanted, needed, and when I opened my eyes to look at him it seemed like everything changed.
I could be sad and still be with him, could miss Noah but still have a life. I could find my way back to myself, find a way to bring back the part of me that I lost, and he could bring it to me. As the heavens opened up above us and the rain started to fall, I found myself leaning over and pressing my lips to his, thankful that I was finally feeling something.
#
The leaves were starting to change color and the air was becoming crisper when I got the news. It was a Thursday and life was steadily moving on. It had been almost a year since I had broken up with Noah, since I had seen Santana and Brittany. I was working pretty steadily at the time, trudging through the motion of getting through the day. My days and nights were filled with singing and dancing as I was beginning to train for a new show.
The call from my doctor was not unexpected. I had gone into the office a week before for my yearly checkup and had little to report or complain about. It's when the words, "You're pregnant," leave his lips, that I feel my reality shifting and changing. I had been on birth control since I turned 16 and Dad and Daddy had wanted me to be prepared. The thought of getting pregnant wasn't even on my radar; suddenly it was my reality.
I made my way to Finn's apartment, trying to wrap my mind around the words that still seemed to reverberate around within it. I remember letting myself into his place and making my way back to his bedroom; curling my body into his bed next to him.
"Hey," he whispered through the darkness, "you came over."
I was so emotional, so consumed with worry and doubts and regrets and love that I simply nodded my head feeling the tears slip down my face. He shifted beside me, his lips meeting the back of my head, wrapping his arm around me.
"I'm sorry I woke you," my voice was broken and shaky.
"I couldn't sleep anyway," Finn replied as his fingers played with the hem of my t-shirt. His voice sounded concerned as he continued to speak. "What's wrong?"
"I'm just tired." I replied, letting my head rest back against his chest and a small sigh escaping my lips.
"You know you can tell me anything, Rach. I'm not buying that you're just tired. So tell me what's bothering you so I can make it better." His voice sounds tired, worn, and I find myself wondering what was keeping him up.
I could feel the way his chin rubbed against the back of my head, feel the way his lips pressed into my hair and his nose breathed in my scent. I found myself rolling over to face him, a small sigh escaping my lips.
"You've been crying," he said. I can remember how gently he reached up and rubbed the red of my cheek. His fingers lingered on my face, the tenderness of the moment breaking my walls that I had spent the afternoon building up.
"I need to tell you something," I replied. I found myself linking my fingers with his and holding his hand over my stomach. As I played with his fingers a soft sob escaped my lips. "I'm pregnant."
I felt his lips brush over my forehead, kissing away the worry lines that had formed. He pulled me closer to him resting me in the crook of his arm as his hand formed to the small of my stomach.
"You're crying," he questioned, confused at my reaction to the news.
"I won't be able to continue with my job, Finn. Dancing is hard on a baby. Not only that but I'm worried about what Dad and Daddy are going to say. " My voice was so shaky with emotion, but speaking the words seemed to make them real and I remember how scared I actually was. I could feel the heat of his hand searing through the skin of my stomach and I was afraid I was going to be alone again. Silently, I hoped that he understood.
"Each day brings a new obstacle in our way and I just want to be happy with you." His hands scrubbed at his face as he spoke, his voice was full of emotion. I could feel the brush of his breathing against my ear and found myself reaching out for him through the darkness.
Then I felt the bed shift.
Moving closer, I felt Finn's forehead rest against my neck. His hand still lay on my belly, his fingers gently stroking the smooth skin as his lips brushed against my neck. My eyes felt heavy, the lids drooping from exhaustion.
"Rachel," he whispered softly.
"Hmm," I asked through a haze of sleepiness.
"I love you."
"I love you too," I mumbled as my eyelids closed. I could feel my breathing slowing, matching the steady beat of his heart.
"Rachel," Finn nudged me gently.
"Hmm," I found myself replying. I was almost asleep.
"Will you marry me?" His lips were pressed against my ear, the words barely a brush of air as they escaped his lips.
"Yes," I remember replying through the haze, "of course Daddy."
The last thing I remember about that night is the gentle feel of his lips against my neck and the steady sound of his heart beating in time with mine, gently lulling me to sleep.
#
Tina once told me, just after I had announced our engagement, how excruciating it would be for all of them. I never really understood what she meant, understood how my relationship could have an impact on their lives. I was so caught up in trying not to hurt anymore, in trying to fix me that I completely missed the way everything else changed. In leaving Noah, in starting a relationship with Finn, I inadvertently pitted friends against each other.
Suddenly Mike was too busy for his weekly guy night with Finn and Mercedes was too busy to take a phone call from an old friend. Kurt had thrown his hands up in the air, screaming that he refused to be in the middle of this "epic shit-storm." Brittany refused to take my calls, still upset about the way my relationship with Noah ended. Artie was indifferent, claiming that his distance from the rest of us nullified his opinion. Tina and Matt had been the most supportive, helping with wedding plans and all the last minute details.
I'm not really sure who told him, but as soon as Noah found out, Santana made me aware of the fact. She called me, her voice brusque and angry quickly letting me know exactly what she thought of me. I was an evil bitch who was ruining everyone's lives. Did I realize all the pain that I was causing everyone? And how could I be so callous and so cold hearted? Each time I opened my mouth to try and explain I was met with resistance and hatred.
The drunken texts started the night after Santana's call. I wasn't sure what I expected Noah's reaction to be, but the messages I received were crystal clear and filled with loathing. There was a tone of sadness to each message, a desperate and hopeful undertone that broke my heart more than the anger and hatred that he spewed. I read each word he sent, knowing that the hurt I was feeling and the pain he was feeling were entirely my own fault.
#
I clearly remember the day of my wedding. The way my dress laid against me, the feel of the silk as it brushed against my skin. I remember sitting in front of the mirror, my hands shaking as they combed through my hair, the butterflies swarming my stomach. When I closed my eyes all I could see was the look on Noah's face the day that I left him; the shattered broken image of the man that he once was.
I wondered if he had received his wedding invitation, wondered if he had thrown the invitation out. In so many ways I was against sending it to him, figuring that I had caused enough pain in his life. I had hesitated at the mailbox; the envelope grasped tightly in my fingers as tears has fallen down my face. My last thought, before it slipped through the slot was what it would look like to Finn if I didn't send it.
In so many ways, I was broken that day. I had no friends willing to stand up with me other than Tina, all of them claiming I was making a huge mistake. Kurt stood up for Finn, claiming his brotherly duty, but making sure that he loudly voiced his displeasure frequently.
So lost in my memories, I was taken by surprise when I looked in the mirror and found him standing there. The sight of him alone took my breath away, but there was something in his eyes that shattered me. Pity. Noah wore a black dress shirt and slacks with a purple tie. He had a pair of sunglasses shoved up, resting precariously upon his head.
"So you are really going through with this?" His voice sent shock waves through me and a small cry escaped my lips. I remember the way the tears pooled in both of our eyes as I turned in my chair to actually look at him. My whole body shook with tremors as he moved closer to me, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me into his embrace.
"I am going through with this." My voice was so shaky the words barely understandable. "I have to."
"Please, don't." He choked out, his head shaking back and forth. "Don't stand up there, in front of everyone, and say all the reasons he's perfect for you. I wouldn't be able to take it." His voice was strained, filled with defeat, and he bowed his head, eyes closed. My eyes strayed to the ceiling, blinking rapidly, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill down and trying to will myself to say the things that I had to say.
"He's not perfect for me," I whispered feeling relief at the words. I lifted his chin up, resting his face in my hands. He met my eyes as I continued to speak, "Finn is far from perfect, Noah. He will never be able to tell when I'm lying," my voice broke as I continued to speak, "will never be able to tell my show smile from my real one."
"Don't do this then," he pleaded. I heard the sound of the door clicking and looked up, surprised to see Santana standing by the doorway, her face downturned as she tried to give us some privacy while still guarding the door.
"Noah," I picked up his hand and brought it gently to my slightly protruding belly, watching his eyes grow wide with understanding and sadness.
"You're having his baby." He sounded so wounded, so dejected. I couldn't help the small tears that had slipped from my eyes.
"Yes." I murmured, my voice breaking on the word.
With that one simple word, I watched him crumble before me knowing what he couldn't say. I knew that he wouldn't take the chance away from Finn to be a father again, no matter how much it hurt him.
I can remember so many moments from that day. The way Finn had looked at me as I walked down the aisle; his face full of awe, dedication, and love. The subtle scent of lavender from my bouquet that wafted around me. The way Finn's arms had felt around me as he twirled me to the music during our first dance. And the way Noah crumpled into Santana's arms as they walked out of my room and out of my life.
If you haven't checked it out yet… Go to my profile and click the link for my live journal account. I've been fascinated by the Puck/Rachel drabble meme and have written stories for a few of the prompts. I've been trying to write one drabble every few days, so a new one should be up! All drabbles can be found by clicking on the drabble tag!
I was kinda bummed about the response to the last chapter.. and Im still curious.. What would you like to see for this story? What do you want to see happen?
Thanks to my beta LadyGambit!
Coming up: Rachel drops a "bombshell" on Noah
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