"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing: we know this in countless ways."- Blaise Pascal

Minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and days into weeks. Life continues to move on and it gets easier and easier to forget that this isn't the life I have lived before. Being with Noah, being back in this time, starts to become the norm. I forget the little things like the way Finn stretched when he awoke in the morning, or the way he smelled just after taking a shower. Each of these memories slowly drift away to be replaced by new ones, by my new life.

My days have gone from one kind of busy to another. I live and breathe the routine for my new show. Between singing, dancing, rehearsing, and costume fittings I find time to sleep, eat, and be with Noah.

It's on a Saturday that I find myself sitting at the park, the wood of the bench digging into my thighs. I watch the children running, swinging, sliding and I can't help but relish in the joy they take from the simplicity of it all. There is something magical about children and the way they approach the world; it's something so innocent and beautiful. It's there, on the park bench, that I realize how much my view on life has changed, how much I've changed.

It's hard to deny that I don't miss certain aspects of my old life. Sure, there were times that it was stifling and overwhelming. But there were also moments of true joy and love; moments that truly took my breath away. The first time Aden called me "mama" I literally cried with happiness. The first time, his words short and smushed, he told me he loved me I felt as if my heart would burst. Each of his touches, kisses, and hugs holds a special place deep within me; a place so deep that no matter the time or distance it will always remain the piece of me that I gave to him.

I love the busyness of the city, love my job and the people I am working with, and I love Noah. I also love and miss being a mother so much that sometimes it aches. I've gotten used to the hole in my chest, used to the subtle pain that ripples through me when I see a mother with her child. I'm starting to wonder if it's one or the other, if I can't have both of my loves. And I'm afraid of what I will choose if I have to, because no matter what I am going to lose a piece of myself.

#

It's later that night while we are relaxing on the couch, eating pizza, and watching some TV show, that I finally get up the nerve to talk to him about what has been bothering me. I've been rather quiet lately, something I'm positive that he has noticed, but has chose to let slip.

I hesitate for just a moment, before setting my pizza down, and turning to look at him. I'm not sure if it's the serious look on my face or the way my hands are slightly shaking, but he turns towards me giving me his full attention. My eyes scan over the light scruff on his face, the burrow in his forehead, and the way his hands nervously tug at the base of his undershirt as if he knows how serious this is going to be.

"I've been thinking," my voice comes out hesitant, soft, and I find myself nervously playing with the ends of my hair. "We should try and have a child." The words come out of my mouth like a squeak, my face is beat red, and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. "Ever since Quinn's funeral, I haven't been able to stop my mind from going there, of thinking about it. Even though I knew that the test would be negative I was so disappointed that it was."

The room suddenly seems so quiet, too quiet. I look at him, noticing that his eyes are as big as saucers and his mouth is open in shock. If I wasn't so nervous I think the sight would have been amusing, instead I find tears falling from my eyes as I continue to ramble. "I know that this seems sudden, but I've been thinking about it for awhile. And it takes like three months for the birth control to stop being effective after you stop taking it, so we would have some time."

I wait for just a moment, expecting some kind of response. Instead I am met with dead silence. It's a bit unnerving and I find myself shifting slightly away from him as I throw out a few last parting words before forcing myself to stop. "I know that we have some money saved up, so we wouldn't have to worry about that. Plus think of all the sex we would be having, you know trying and all. Couldn't you just picture a child with your eyes and my hair?"

Then, I bolt.

##

I spend most of Sunday with Britt and San. It's a way for me to avoid the nervous tension I'm feeling and to forget, at least for a little while, how poorly the previous days conversation went. After a few hours of shopping, I'm surprisingly tired, so we decide to stop at a coffee shop for a pick me up.

I'm sipping my cappuccino and nibbling on a blueberry muffin, listening to San argue the benefits of yoga, when I'm startled by something I see out of the corner of my eye. Finn is sitting in a small booth, one of his hands wrapped around the cup of his coffee, Tina is sitting across from him and they are deep in conversation. He has that smile on his face, the one that he would always pull out when he was in trouble and trying desperately to get away with it.

The thing is I've known Finn and Tina for so long that I can pretty much read them. There is something about the way they are leaning in towards each other, the way they seem so comfortable together, that makes me pause. I find myself wondering where Mike is and what he would say if he saw what I was currently seeing because, if I'm really truly honest, it makes me nervous. I quickly do the math in my head and realize that in a little over a month Mike is supposed to be proposing.

I'm trying not to be obvious in my staring but San must realize that my mind is somewhere else because she is suddenly snapping her fingers in front of my eyes. "Earth to Rachel," her voice is full of sarcasm and a bit of amusement. When I finally focus my eyes on her, her eyebrows are raised in question. I nod my head in the general direction and she peeks over her shoulder, her jaw opening in shock as she turns back to Britt and me.

"I thought she was with Mike," she questions me, her tone snippy. While San and Mike are not as close as they used to be, she is still fiercely protective of him (as she is with all of her guy friends). My eyes linger on the two sitting at the table as I shrug my shoulders in response. To be honest I haven't really been the best friend to Tina these last few weeks. I've been so caught up in trying to make things right this second time that I am losing one of my only friends in the future.

I watch as she makes her way to the bathroom and set down my cup, discreetly following her. I'm leaning against the sink when she is through, trying not to let my displeasure show on my face. I know that I may be oversensitive and reading into things, but having Santana notice something is really shaking me.

"Hey Tina," my voice is sickly sweet and a bit higher pitched than normal. She looks a bit surprised at my appearance, but also a bit unnerved. The fact is, though, I'm just as unnerved as she is. In the future I know, Tina and Mike are together and happy; they are quite literally the perfect couple with the perfect child. I try to force the image of Kiah from my brain fearing the onslaught of memories about Aden that are sure to follow.

"Tina, you are playing with fire." My voice is hesitant as I try not to let the nervousness show through. There is no use in pretending that neither of us knows what is going on here, no use in sugarcoating the situation.

"It's just Finn," Tina replies, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. I so badly want to ask if everything is alright, if something happened. The Tina I know, the Tina I knew, is not the same as the girl standing in front of me. "Come on, Rach. He was the QB in high school, the lead male of glee club. Who would have ever thought he would give me the time of day let alone actually want to hang out with me?"

"He is also Mike's best friend." My voice comes out louder than I want it to and I can feel the anger building inside of me. "Did you not learn anything sophomore year with the whole baby-gate situation. Dating your best friends girl or in this case guy will never end well."

She lets out a scoff, her eyes rolling. "We aren't dating, we are just hanging out. And comparing Noah and Finn is like comparing a fish and a duck. They may both be swimming in the pool but they are two completely different species." I can hear the sarcasm and disdain in her voice and I'm so close to losing my last hold on my temper that instead of speaking I turn and walk out. I hear the bathroom door slam behind me and a few patrons turn their heads to look, including Finn.

I don't like the feeling brewing in my gut; don't like the fact that this moment will most likely bug me long after we leave the coffee shop. I refuse to acknowledge Finn, but I can feel his eyes on me as I make my way quickly over to San and Britt. I know that my face is likely beet red in anger and I can feel the way my hands are shaking as I pick up my coffee cup and chuck it into the small bin.

"I'm leaving. Let's go." The words come out like a command and I can tell that Britt is more than a little confused. Santana, on the other hand, looks just as pissed as I feel. As we grab our bags and get rid of our trash I avoid raising my eyes to meet the set I feel staring at me.

##

I'm in a sour mood by the time I get home. I basically chuck my bags onto the floor surrounding the door, kicking my shoes off as I go. I can hear a few voices coming from the living room and really don't want to deal with company. I bypass the living room and make my way down the hallway, the sound of my footsteps reverberating.

I'm not really aware at the stream of words that I am muttering under my breath until I am tugging off my jeans and contemplating throwing something. A few seconds later Noah enters our bedroom and closes the door gently behind him.

"Everything ok, babe?" He seems hesitant and unsure, his voice is quiet and I can't help but notice the concern in his eyes.

"I'll be fine," I snap as I rip my hair tie out of my hair and run my hands through the strands, tugging on the ends. Noah knows me well enough to know when to push and when to wait. He stands patiently as I take a few deep breaths. "Tina and I got into a bit of a fight at the mall today."

"I thought you went shopping with Britt and San?" he questions, his voice filled with confusion. There is still so much space between us in so many ways that I should be uncomfortable. Instead, I find myself moving closer to him, letting my arms wrap around his waist and my body sag into his chest.

"We did. We just happened to run into Tina at the coffee shop while we were having a snack." I'm not really sure why, but I leave off the part about Finn being there with her. I'm not sure Noah would understand or care why it bothered me so much, especially considering the fact that it was Finn.

There is something about being in Noah's arms, feeling the heat of his body that is so relaxing. I find myself sighing gently as my face burrows into his neck. "Who is here?" I question, my voice muffled against his skin. He lets out a gentle groan, his hands running through the ends of my hair as his lips kiss the back of my head.

"You ready for this?" he questions and I can hear a tinge of anxiety in his tone. I'm not sure if he is expecting a response or pausing for dramatic effect, so I nod my head up and down against his skin knowing that he can feel it. "My mom is here."

I think about the brash woman sitting in the other room and let out a groan of my own. "How long is she staying for?" I question as I burrow my head deeper as if I am trying to hide. The thing is, I love Noah's mother, I really do; from a distance, that is. The woman is opinionated, nosy, and constantly starting some sort of fight with Noah.

"No clue," his voice is a growl, full of frustration. I'm so concerned about the visit that I have little time to worry myself with our conversation the day prior. I know that eventually something will have to be said about his lack of response or enthusiasm. I've seen Noah with his sister, saw him briefly with Beth, and as hesitant as he is, I know that he would make a great father.

I pull away slightly to look up into his eyes, seeing the worry that is lining his face. "I haven't forgotten about yesterday, Rach. We will be talking about it." He speaks softly; as if afraid his words will carry out to his mother. I think I'm just as nervous and hesitant to have that conversation as he is, so I just nod my head and place a light peck on his lips.

He gives me a moment to compose myself and to put my hair back up into a ponytail before taking my hand in his. These next few days are going to be a doozy, a whirlwind of drama and emotions. Alone, it will be almost impossible to survive, but together I'm sure we can make it.

Wow, the response to the last chapter was amazing! Thanks to those of you who took the time to review and let me know what you were thinking! I'm going out of town for the weekend for my birthday so the next chapter most likely won't be up until late Monday or Tuesday. I'm planning on doing the review replies Sunday night!

Hope you all have an amazing weekend :)

Coming Up: Mrs. Puckerman and the baby convo

N