Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note nor any of the characters contained therein.

Summary: L is almost 17, investigating a serial murder case near Toronto University. Undercover as a student prodigy, L will have to find a balance between education, investigation, and (ye gods) a social life. Rated T for language/nudity/gore.

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The Worst Feeling Ever

Chapter 9: Head, Dowsing

Paranoia is overrated, L thought as the elevator rose; though useful for keeping one's guard up, it can prove distracting too much of the time. He'd gotten more strange looks than usual once he'd returned to campus but dismissed the increase as statistically irrelevant. Nothing in their behavior had indicated outright fear or aggression, so he'd ignored their reactions and kept moving.

The chime sounded as the door opened, and L heard another familiar sound: laughter. It seemed to be coming from the kitchen, which was fairly typical, so he faced away from it, stepping into the hall and proceeding to his door, gripping his bag of croissants.

"Hey, there he is!"

L suppressed the urge to groan and would have kept moving if not for the next voice he heard.

"Trying to give me the slip, I see." The lilt, the playfulness, were unmistakable.

L turned slowly to stare down the hall in the direction of that voice. "The likelihood of my succeeding at that would be quite low."

"Did I surprise you?"

"To be honest, I had expected you over the weekend. You're late." L made no move to approach.

"That's a yes, then." He inclined his head, addressing the students surrounding him. "Thank you for keeping me company, ladies, but I must leave you to your studies now that my brother is here."

"You guys don't really look alike . . ."

"Actually, Connie, we were both adopted, but we did grow up together." Aleister smiled. "As older brothers go, I could have done far worse than Ezekiel." He slung a light jacket over his shoulder, looking much more at ease with people he'd just met than L had ever felt.

"Aw, Alessandro – you can always come visit us later if you want."

"That sounds lovely, Kim. Perhaps if –"

"You and I need to have a conversation, Alessandro." L continued to stare at Aleister, willing him to dislodge himself from the distracting crowd spilling from the kitchen.

"If you insist, big brother." Aleister made a show of rolling his eyes as he turned to wave at the still giggling group. "Thanks again – and good luck on that test tomorrow, Allison." A chorus of soft "bye"s trailed in his wake as he strolled toward L.

Shuffling, hunched as ever, L moved to his door and unlocked it, holding it open with his index finger, face blank. Aleister stepped over the threshold, entering the room fully before his smile faded and walking to the window with a view of the pinking sky. L shut the door firmly, relocking it. Setting the bag of croissants on the bureau, he shuffled over to the bed, bending to reach for his phone.

"Not yet." Aleister didn't turn around.

Jaw clenched, L dropped the phone on his desk, slipped out of his sneakers, and moved to his usual perch, angled to face Aleister. Several moments went by, but he was determined to wait him out. An explanation will be forthcoming, he thought, whether he wants to provide one or not.

"Your thoughts?"

Aleister's resigned question caught him off-guard, and L exhaled sharply. "What confuses me is why you went along with this poorly hatched plan at all."

"Because he would have gone on without me, regardless of any objections I might have raised." Aleister sighed. "And, if I'm being honest, because I wanted to see you."

L considered the possibility that Aleister might have misread him all those months ago, but dismissed it. Even when he is emotional, he seems to think clearly, L thought, a quality I envy. Which means he must have wanted to see me despite my reaction. L supposed that he should have anticipated this, but then he hadn't anticipated Aleister kissing him, abruptly and passionately, the last time L had been at Wammy House. They had been in the middle of another of their philosophical debates, and to L, there had seemed to be no transition. L had shoved him away, shocked, and Aleister had avoided him for the following two days. Another case had then drawn L back out into the world beyond the orphanage, and he'd left in relief to focus on things he could understand.

That singular moment of awkward intimacy had made up L's mind – he'd decided then that he could no longer allow himself to openly visit Wammy House. Despite the comfort and familiarity it offered him, L felt that letting his successors form emotional attachments to him had been a mistake and would prove counter-productive. The presence of both Aleister and Beyond in Toronto was a perfect example of this. L believed that it would be better if the others thought of him in the abstract only, as a role they would one day fill. For this reason, Roger and Watari had begun to tell the orphans that the person who'd been known as "L" was only an inspector reporting to the real L on their progress. It wasn't clear how many of them believed the lie, if any, but they all seemed to be playing along – with the exceptions of A and B.

Realizing that he'd been silent for over a minute, L swallowed. He still didn't know what to say to him. "Where is B?"

Distant stare unbroken, Aleister would have been the picture of nonchalance, facing the window with his jacket still slung over his shoulder, his other hand in a pocket, had he not been standing stiff as a pillar of salt. "I last saw him at the hotel. I confess I quite believed him when he said that he was only going to the chemist's. I should have anticipated his cheerful duplicity."

L opted not to point out that Beyond would certainly consider Aleister's visit to his dorm to be duplicitous as well. "It is possible that he was intercepted."

"It is. His enthusiasm for this little venture was quite acute, however, and it is just as likely, if not more so, that he has taken it upon himself to investigate on his own."

"Mm. Yes. I had deduced that that was his motivation for coming here, and considering his usual . . . tenacity, I would put it at a 67% chance that he is investigating the Butcher case alone, and a 19% chance that he has been intercepted while doing so."

A smile touched Aleister's face briefly. "You do realize that your need to break things down into percentages is patently absurd."

"It helps me maintain a logical perspective."

"I know. That's what makes it absurd." Aleister's voice was warm.

L dropped his eyes to see that his fingers were gripping his knees. Consciously relaxing his muscles, he looked back at Aleister, realizing now that he had missed him. "I am sorry."

"Don't."

"I should not have left without speaking to you again. It was –"

"No explanation is required of you," Aleister said airily. "My impulsiveness took me quite by surprise as well, if it's any consolation." He let his jacket slip from his shoulder and come to rest at his side, draping on the floor as he held its collar. His gaze dropped as well, letting go of the sky to grip the ground outside.

L studied his toes as he clenched and unclenched them. "I do miss our conversations. I suppose that we are unlikely to resume them."

A soft chuckle escaped the boy and brought L's head up. Aleister angled a glance his way. "Now who's being overly dramatic?" A half-smile formed, fleeting, ephemeral. "We will no doubt one day be fully capable of conversing without undue awkwardness – perhaps after we have escaped our teens."

A wan smile emerged on L's face. "I look forward to that, assuming I survive mine."

"Well, then I must insist that you survive – my sanity would most certainly be brought into question were I discovered conversing with thin air."

"B will be with you. We will –"

"That's entirely different." Aleister's face went blank, and he turned back to the window again. "He's . . ." A sharp exhalation escaped him. "B is B. You are you. I'd rather like you both to stick around."

Pausing, L watched Aleister. He knew better than to try and mediate anything between the two, considering how vociferously one defended the other. Contemplating the possibility that they had argued, L wondered if Beyond had other goals he had not mentioned to his friend.

"You've no idea what it's like . . ." Aleister's voice was faint, as though he was unaware that he was speaking aloud. "You likely wonder why he and I are friends – or you may as well, seeing as everyone else does."

"It . . . had crossed my mind." L pressed a thumb to his lip.

Aleister's eyes darted to his. "Don't give me that look – we're just friends, ta very much. It's a rough bit of balance between us. We've certainly had our rows, but . . . we do look out for each other. We keep each other's confidences. Yet there are times . . ." For a moment, Aleister's eyes looked haunted. "I'm afraid that if I weren't there to calm him, to help him twig to another perspective, he might burn from within and take us all with him."

I think so too, L thought, silent. L rubbed his toes together, choosing his words carefully. "You will be better at this than I am."

"Excuse me?"

Tapping his chin with each point, L stared at the ceiling. "You have a greater capacity for empathy. You think clearly while under duress. You are considerably more adept at social interaction." L met his eyes. "Raw intellect and logic only take one so far in unraveling the actions and reactions of people in order to solve cases."

"I . . . don't possess your strength of will." Aleister's eyes escaped his. "And empathy isn't all sunshine and roses. To identify so strongly with what someone else may feel . . . there is an inexorable pull that takes you out of yourself, warping your very being. A certain balance must be struck –"

"You are strong enough." L interrupted. "Just knowing that gives me confidence."

Aleister shook his head, staring at the floor. "All the same, would you mind terribly not dying?"

A low hum of a laugh tickled L's throat. "I'll try, since you asked so politely." He eyed the bag on his bureau. "Would you like a croissant?"

Laughter began to spill from Aleister, and he tipped his head back. "How is it you're so bloody adept at locating sweets wherever you go?"

L narrowed his eyes in mock anger. "One must adapt quickly to new circumstances to find what is needed. And it's hardly a skill to find a bakery in a large city. If you do not want one –"

"I'd love one, actually." Aleister let his jacket fall to the floor. "It's bound to be loads better than the road fare and junk food on which I've been subsisting."

Stepping off the bed, L snagged the bag, opening it and peering in. "I only purchased a dozen – six raspberry cream cheese, and six chocolate almond." He didn't mention the thirteenth one he'd eaten on his walk back.

"'Only' a dozen – such restraint." Smirking, Aleister reached into the bag as L held it out, finally extracting a confection. "Raspberry. Oh, it smells lovely." Folding his legs under him, Aleister sat cross-legged on his jacket.

L crouched on the floor facing him, taking a chocolate almond one for himself and setting the bag between them. For a minute or two, they munched quietly.

Licking his fingers, L finished his croissant, staring down at the few crumbs that had escaped him. "You deserve better." Surprise jarred him – he had not intended to say it aloud.

"What?"

L rushed his words, staring at his fingers. "I feel certain that you will meet the right person for you in time." Swallowing, he reached into the bag for another treat, the crinkling providing a comforting static to fill the silence.

Aleister smiled at the floor. "No one gets what they deserve, not really. We get what we get, good or bad, and we devise a way to cope. It's how we cope that makes the difference."

"Mm. Then we must do our best to ensure that people do get what they deserve, good and bad, in every instance in which we are able." L chewed thoughtfully.

"I am not arguing with you about justice again."

"I would not characterize our discussions as arguments. I simply –"

"You should call him now." Aleister's blue eyes flashed.

L gulped down the last of his second croissant. "When I call him, it will be to turn you over to him."

"Don't think we don't realize the position Coil's got you in." Aleister angled a cool look L's way. "We can help you."

"I do not require help."

"Don't be so obstinate. You needn't do this on your own. Or are you worried we'll steal your limelight?"

Hand halfway out of the bag with another pastry, L glared at him. "If recognition were my primary concern, I would have made my own announcement and showed Coil up immediately." He took a huge bite of the pastry.

"Ah. Then you consider us incompetent."

L spoke with his mouth full. "I consider you distractions."

"Of all the bloody –" Aleister slapped the now half-eaten croissant out of L's hand. "Fuck you, you arrogant tosser!" Face flushed, he pointed a finger in L's face, seeming to ignore his widening eyes. "Just because you can solve most of these cases on your own doesn't mean you should! It's not always the most efficient way of going about it, is it! We would work better as a team. It's not as though you work completely alone in any event, considering who's in town with you, so you can stop that line of so-called reasoning right now. Training us without letting us do anything is completely pointless! And if you're so bloody self-sufficient, then why haven't you solved the case already? It's been weeks – surely the biggest fucking genius on the planet should have solved several cases by now!"

"As it happens, I have solved two other cases since arriving here in Toronto – the one you may recall from Blackpool, and the other in Auckland." L's voice was hushed. "I did not need to be on-site for either of those, and while they were important enough, they were not quite as interesting . . ."

"Oh, I see, so you take your time when you find a case 'interesting'? How comforting that must be for the victims."

"I am not taking my time," L gritted out. "I have collected evidence and made observations, and I will locate and apprehend this murderer."

"It doesn't have to be a competition. If you let us help –"

"It will always be a competition for him."

"Well, it isn't one for me! Stop treating us like the fine china! You won't endanger –"

"I have already endangered myself and others!" Breathing hard, L ratcheted his voice down from a near-shout to a growl. "I cannot allow either of you to become endangered by my actions as well. This is not some school trip or a tidy little training exercise. There is a murderer at work here, and frankly, all three of us would be ideal victims for him, given that our identities are essentially untraceable."

"This is hyperbole mated with balderdash. A universal tenet is that all humans are capable of murder, and –"

"You are speaking of abstractions." L cut him off. "Have you ever directly witnessed a murder?"

Aleister blinked. "There was that . . . tape, a few years ago."

"Yes. A recorded event. It was not happening in real time. We were not present in the room as it occurred. Analyzing past events is not the same as reacting to them as they happen. One does not necessarily behave as one might expect . . ." L stared at the floor, trying not to let the flood of memories pull him out of the moment.

"Keeping us sheltered will endanger us more in the long run." Aleister's fingers wrestled themselves. "Without any of this direct experience –"

"It is better to be fully prepared before directly involving oneself. Also, you should not want to do so – the fact that you do proves that you are not yet ready."

For a moment, Aleister was silent, fingers still twisting above the pretzel formed by his legs. "How exactly did you endanger yourself and others, just by the way?"

L considered lying. He considered evading the question. Possibly out of exhaustion, he opted for the truth. "I unintentionally drew the attention of the murderer to a woman I befriended, and then I was brought in for questioning by the police." Several seconds passed, L's own breathing the only sound he could hear. Steeling himself for the inevitable accusation, he gradually raised his eyes. Aleister was staring at him, wordless and pale. "My mistake, my responsibility," L said. I –"

A buzzing sounded from across the room, causing Aleister to jump. Narrowing his eyes, L stood and walked past the window. He had no doubt as to who was calling as he plucked the phone from his desk and lifted it to his ear.

"I take it you –"

"You've been compromised. You must leave immediately."

"Incorrect. If I were to do that, it would lend credence to any false claim associating me with the murderer, which in turn would slow down the case because investigators would expend time and resources to try and find me rather than the Butcher. I must remain in place until the case is solved."

"How did you draw the attention of the murderer to this woman?" Watari's voice was stern.

"I found her cat and returned it to her. You recall the second batch of evidence I sent you to process?" L took Watari's silence for assent. "In retrospect, it would have been better if I had sent you the cat as well."

"Not for the cat."

"Actually, the cat is dead now, so I stand by my statement."

"I see." Watari seemed to sigh. "And the woman?"

"Missing. The police are unsure if her disappearance is related to the case. It is not yet proven that this is the work of the Butcher, but I estimate the likelihood that it is at 71%."

"Hm. The dangers are beginning to outweigh the benefits of your investigating on-site –"

"I can best mitigate the damage I've done by remaining –"

"Listen to me!" Watari's voice boomed over the phone. "I will allow your investigation to continue unimpeded, but if you cause harm to anyone – even unintentionally, and including yourself – or if you are unable to solve it by Christmas break, I will extract you, and you will either have to take another approach or give up the case entirely. Is that understood?"

L could no longer feel the tips of his thumb and forefinger from gripping the phone so tightly. "Yes," he forced out.

"Excellent. Aleister may stay with you for the night, and then –"

"What?"

". . . and then tomorrow you can pass him and Beyond along to me to assist on the case from here."

Knowing he was watching, L struggled to keep his expression neutral. "Why did you change your mind in this regard?"

"Because Aleister has made several good points. You do need help on this, and your misstep with the woman's cat bears that out. No one is usurping your control – you are still the lead investigator. Consider them additional resources."

"Endangering them is unnecessary."

"To be fair, I involved them when I asked them to review photographs and details of the case. If my choice endangered them, that is my responsibility. Once they are with me, I will be able to keep their more . . . disruptive proclivities in check."

"Mm. Do you anticipate matching Roger's success with that?"

"Don't blame poor Roger for the choices they made. He's got a houseful of preternaturally brilliant children – he does quite well, all things considered. For now, keep Aleister with you –"

"Alessandro," L interrupted.

"How fancy." Watari sounded bemused. "Keep him with you and collect Beyond either tonight or tomorrow. And don't worry – I'll find plenty for them both to do. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to speak to 'Alessandro.'"

"Of course." L turned, phone still in his death grip between two fingers as he extended it toward Aleister, who stood to accept it.

"Yes?" Aleister's voice broke, and he blushed, eyes closing.

Bending, L snatched the half-eaten croissant from the floor and tossed it into the wastebasket by the sink. He shuffled over to the bag on the floor and extracted another one, determined to fuel himself, only half-pretending not to listen in as he stood there munching.

"I see. No, I hardly think that . . ." Aleister half-turned to face away from the window, his profile to L. "I expect so. Mm, that's – of course. Honestly, that's better than I was expecting. I . . . understand." Nodding absently, he stared into a distance that was not there. "Those terms are acceptable, yes. Absolutely. I –" He swallowed. "I haven't done since this morning, no, but quite frankly, we needed a bit of a break from one another. Yes. It might be better if you try that. Hm?" Aleister nodded. "Oh, it's the Residence College Inn on Gerard Avenue. If you need the number . . . Ah. Of course. Well, the room number is 113." After a pause, he laughed. "Oh, no. It certainly won't be the first time he'll have threatened to kill me, and I doubt it'll be the last. He'll get over it. Yes. Actually, that sounds lovely. Right. Will do." Pressing the button to terminate the call, he tossed the cellphone to L.

"Locating B should be our first priority," L said, catching it one-handed.

"Actually, 'grandfather' is heading to the hotel right now and he rather insisted that you get me some real food."

L narrowed his eyes. "Did he."

"He did. Call him back if you like." Aleister bent to retrieve his jacket from the floor and shook it out. "Not that the croissants aren't delicious. He mentioned something about stunting my growth . . ."

"Perhaps he is mistaking genetics for nutrition." L scanned the shorter teen.

"Ooh, now we're getting to it." Aleister grinned. "Is this the part where you insult my mother?"

Barely managing to suppress a smile, L looked him in the eye. "Clearly the poor woman has suffered enough."

Their laughter met in the center of the room, though neither boy moved.

Aleister's eyes flicked away from L's and back. "You've changed, you know."

"Hm. Perhaps, though not as much as you." L tilted his head, musing.

"Oh really?" Aleister raised an eyebrow. "How do you figure?"

"A year ago, you would never have considered defying . . . 'grandfather,' let along crossing an ocean to do so. Also, you did not used to drop the F-bomb."

A second passed before Aleister curved forward, laughter spilling out of him. Waving a hand in front of his face as his spine re-straightened, he seemed to take the time to catch his breath before speaking. "And when did you start referring to it as 'the F-bomb'?"

L pressed a thumb to his lip, his eyes slipping toward the ceiling. "Hm. It appears that certain collegiate colloquialisms have insinuated themselves into my vocabulary. Not altogether a bad thing if I am to blend in . . ."

Aleister huffed. "Never blend in. It doesn't suit you. Not to mention that people who try too hard to blend in stand out all the more."

"I doubt that most people would agree with that."

"We aren't most people. And neither are the criminals we chase. Hiding in plain sight is your best approach."

L narrowed his eyes. "Why do I get the impression that you think that I am incapable of blending in, regardless of any effort expended?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Aleister's face was blank.

L sighed. "If you wish to have some 'real' food, we should hurry – the cafeteria will close soon." Lifting the bag of remaining croissants by a corner, he placed it back on the bureau.

"Big spender."

"We need to retain our covers, 'little brother.' Taking to you to an expensive restaurant could draw attention to us, and the cafeteria is more convenient to our location."

"Oh, stop explaining. You've got to learn when someone's teasing you." Aleister threaded his arms through his jacket.

"And you've got to learn when someone is annoying you on purpose." L let another smile slip as he moved to cross the rest of the room, intending to put his phone away.

"You bastard." Aleister lightly punched L's shoulder, giving him an appraising look as L stopped beside him. "Glad you've kept your hair like this. It's still a bit long," he reached up and brushed the fringe from L's forehead, "but not so drastically that you can't see where you're going." Aleister took a step back, eyes scanning the room. "Don't you have a coat?"

"It is not cold enough outside to warrant that." L reached under the bed and replaced his cellphone in its hiding place. Pushing all thought of how Watari's encounter with Beyond might go, he jammed his hands in his pockets and moved past Aleister to the door. "Let's go."

"Well, at least you're more warmly dressed than you were on Saturday night."

L closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, remembering the knot of women with whom Aleister had been chatting in the kitchen earlier. It could have been worse, L thought; Janine and Danielle could have been among them. "What didn't they tell you?"

"Oh relax. It's not as though they had any photographic evidence."

Glowering at the door, L wondered how many more unforeseen consequences of his actions would rise up to mock him. "It would be unfortunate for them if they did."

L reached for the door, ready to leave, but more than that, ready for a new phase in the case. Watari's deadline was irrelevant to him, because he already expected – no, demanded of himself – that he solve the case much sooner. September was nearing its end, and no gift would be greater than to have everything wrapped up in time for his birthday. Bolder moves than mere observation will be required, L thought. I must not allow myself to be caught so unaware by circumstance – I must strive to be better at predicting the outcomes of every action, however trivial it might seem at the time.

L locked the door behind himself and the boy who was as close to a brother as he'd ever had and readied himself for the walk into darkness.

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Author's Note: I feel like it took me a long time to get L and Aleister to have a conversation in this, but I'm glad I've finally gotten to it. And now we know about two of the three non-consensual kisses L's had. Oops. Crushes are awkward. If you're wondering about the "flood of memories" L experiences when discussing murder with Aleister, the details are in my one-shot The Pull. It's by no means required reading, but it's there if you're curious.

The reason you can hear Watari's side of the phone conversation with L and not with Aleister is because this section/chapter is from L's PoV – that's how I'm handling that convention in this fic.

For an upcoming chapter, I am undecided as to whether to keep this fic T-rated or bump it up to M – it would really only be for one scene, so I'm not sure I can justify the change, but I don't know if the rating affects anyone reading this. If I changed it to M, would you still read this? I may put up a poll on my profile, if I can figure out how to do that, just to see what you guys think. In the meantime, you can let me know via a review, if you like.

Thanks for reading!