"Our comfort zone has more control of us than we have over ourselves."-Peter McWilliams
There is a small group of people around me, enough that I am not having this conversation in front of them. I can see the curious looks on their faces, their heads rubbernecking as I walk past them and grab both Noah and Brittany, tugging them from the theater. I wait until we break past the front doors to let them go.
"What are you doing? I was in the middle of a rehearsal. You couldn't wait until I got home and then we could have addressed this, privately?"
Noah lets out this little grunt, his eyes rolling at what I'm assuming he feels is another 'diva' moment. Brittany just looks kind of confused, her eyes darting from me to Noah to the doors behind me. "Maybe," Noah finally speaks as he crosses his arms over his chest, "if you would have told me about this before you went out and bought it then it wouldn't have come as such a shock when I found the bag this morning."
"Grow up," I snap, "You're being a complete asshole right now." His back straightens and his eyes narrow at me. I can see the edges of his nostrils beginning to flair and I know before the words even leave his lips that it's not going to be good.
"And you're a bitch," he replies instantly. I can see Brittany's mouth open in shock, but I can't find the words to respond to either of them. Instead I reach over and shakily rip the bag out of his hands. I can feel my whole body trembling and I'm fighting back the tears.
"Thanks for ruining this," my voice is strong but shaky as I turn away from him and storm back through the doors that are filled with people. I can hear the whispers behind me but ignore them as I grab my duffle bag and make my way out the back door. Fuck all of them; I'm taking a sick day.
I get three blocks before I pull out my phone and dial Santana. It's then that I realize I have the white bag still clenched in my fist. I listen to the phone ringing, knowing that she's at the office and that this really isn't the best time, but at the moment I don't really care.
"Rachel," San answers and I can hear the confusion in her voice, "if this is about Brittany I promise I will give her a call as soon as I get a moment free." I can picture her sitting at her desk with her phone perched against her ear, pencil twirling between her fingers.
"San," I reply and I can hear the tremble of my voice as I fight back tears. "Can I stay at your place for a few days?" I hate that I feel like a coward as the words leave my lips, hate that my go to response is to run from my problems.
She strings a few curse words together under her breath and I can hear the aggravation in her tone. "What happened?"
"It's a long story," I sigh, "one that I'm not really comfortable talking about just yet. Just finish up at work and I will head to your place around dinner time, alright?"
#
I'm sitting on the park bench when he shows up. His hands are buried deep in his pockets and his face is etched with worry and concern. I like that I have someone I can count on, someone to be there through the good times and the bad.
"Thanks for coming Finn," I reply as I brush the hair back from my face. My duffle bag is sitting on the bench beside me and he plops down across from me, eyes furrowing in confusion.
"What happened?" he questions. I can feel him take in my beet red eyes and chapped cheeks. He seems to shake his head in sadness. "What did he do?"
"I keep expecting him to change," I reply softly, "I don't know why but I do. I feel like an idiot. We keep making these same mistakes over and over again. I'm starting to wonder if we will ever get it right."
Finn looks at me carefully for a moment, his shoulders sagging. "You two love each other. You're bound to make mistakes but if you really truly love someone you have to take the good and the bad. There also needs to be a point where you say enough is enough. Have you reached that point, yet, Rachel?"
My eyes linger on Finn's face for a moment before looking at the small white bag sitting next to me. "I need to do something Finn," I reply avoiding the answer to his question, "and it's something I don't want to do alone."
I pick the bag up and set it on the table between us and it's like he knows without even asking. He lets out a small sigh and in that moment I can see the pain in his eyes. He forces a smile on his face and grabs the bag, standing up from the bench. He looks smaller somehow, and I can't help the guilt that grips at my heart. I grab my duffle and follow him down the sidewalk towards his apartment.
"I'm sorry," I whisper once the quiet between us feels so heavy it's hard to breathe. His steps falter and he turns to look at me, silently nodding his head.
"I know," he replies softly, his hand clenching the bag, "Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with." And the thing is, in that moment, his voice rings true with so much sincerity that it makes my heart stutter for a moment.
"You're a really great guy, Finn." I reply softly, my hand reaching over and linking with his, I squeeze his fingers once before letting them go. No other words are needed, so we continue the walk in silence. When we make it to his place, I lay my duffle next to the door as my eyes scan the apartment. It's just the same as I remember it from all those years ago and I get a strong wave of déjà vu as I run my hand along the top of the sofa.
I remember lying on this couch the night after Noah and I ended, curling up into the cushions hoping to block out the sound of my tears. I can picture all the times Finn and I sat on the couch watching movies, making out, or just sitting and chatting about our day. It's like the line between my future and the now is blurring and all I can feel is my heart thrumming in my ears.
Finn takes off his coat and throws it in his lazy boy. He holds the bag out to me and then buries his hands in his pockets once I take it. "Bathrooms through there," he points to a door just slightly down the hallway and I nod my head, my fingers gripping the bag tightly. It's awkward, tense, but I make my way into the small room and close the door behind me.
The bathroom's a bit messy, which isn't really that big of a surprise. I sit on the toilet seat for a good five minutes with my head in my hands before I get up the nerve to rip the package open. The words Clear Blue Easy taunt me as I pull the directions out, my eyes scanning them quickly.
It seems simple; pee, wait, read. The thing is, though, it's anything but simple; it's life altering.
I uncap the plastic stick, my nose wrinkling in disgust. You would have thought they would have come up with a more sanitary better way. When I'm done, I lay it out on a few tissues on the counter, wash my hands, and exit the room.
Finn is sitting in front of his drum set, his sticks gently tapping a rhythm out as I walk into the living room. He looks up at me, expecting results, but I shrug and sigh. "Test takes three minutes." He nods his head in understanding, eyes darting between me and the clock on the wall.
I'm nervous, jittery, which is how I end up walking around the room staring at different things. First it's his movie collection, then it's his games, and when I get desperate I stand in front of his drum set and play with the symbol. He seems able to read my mind or at least perceive the tension I am feeling. Instead of dwelling on it, he tries to distract me by handing me the drum sticks.
I'm horrible and no I'm not being modest.
I'm beating on the drum and I can feel each wince that Finn takes as I butcher the sound and the rhythm. When I tap the symbol two times in a row he finally reaches over and takes the sticks from me. I can tell by the look on his face that he is forcing back a smile, tell that he is biting his tongue.
"I'm dreadful," I mutter and he lets out a loud belly laugh, his head falling backwards as each breath escapes him. "It's not funny. I'm truly very bad." He nods his head in agreement, hand running over the edge of one of the symbols lovingly as if soothing it from the damage I caused.
Boys and their toys, I tell you.
I look at the clock, more than a little aware that the time is already up on the test. The thing is, I'm not ready to see the results yet so I find myself slouching into the Lazy Boy and resting my head against the cushiony arm rest. "Let's put in a movie?" I suggest. Finn looks up at the clock and then at me, realizing immediately my avoidance.
"Alright," he replies smiling as I curl deeper into the fabric. It's comfortable, familiar, and safe. I feel myself letting out a small sigh as I watch the screen go from black to blue. When I see the movie title I can't help but smile.
"I love this movie," I whisper my eyes filling with tears.
"I know," he replies as he flops down on the couch. He lays with his legs spread, arms crossed behind his head. There is a comfort in this familiarity, in the domesticity and sameness of it all. I watch Buttercup and Westley with fascination. I've seen the movie so many times that I know much of it by heart, but at the moment none of it matters; I'm still caught up in it all. I find myself mouthing the words silently, my eyes brimming with tears.
It's when the credits are rolling that I see that Finn has fallen asleep. His body is turned towards me, face slanted so that he could most likely watch me mouth the words. I get up and turn the DVD player and TV off. I grab the blanket off of the back of the couch and lay it gently across Finn.
I stand and watch him for a moment seeing so much of Aden in the relaxation of his face and twisted posture. Leaning down I brush a few of his hairs off his forehead before making my way down the hall to the bathroom. I stop just outside the door, my hand resting on the doorknob and take a few deep breaths.
When I'm ready I open the door.
#
"You're late," Santana calls as I open the door and drop my bag next to the couch. "I was starting to get worried."
Her kitchen table is littered with containers of Chinese food and I reach for the cashew chicken and rice before plopping down beside her. She looks at the container of food in my hands, eyes raised in amusement.
"So either you're giving up your no meat thing or you need comfort food?" she questions.
"Both," I reply plopping a large chunk of chicken into my mouth and closing my eyes as I savor the taste. She laughs loudly as I dig into the food, devouring most of the container before I come up for air. "Sorry I was starving."
She nods her head in understanding, mouth tilted into a smile. "So where did you go all afternoon?" she questions. When I look at her in confusion she smirks before setting her food down. "I got a call from Britt."
"I went to the park for awhile, then just around." I reply before quickly changing the subject. "Does that mean that you and Britt are on speaking terms again?" She nods her head happily as she shoves a fortune cookie into her mouth.
"Yep, we're all better. She's staying at your apartment again tonight and then she should be home tomorrow."
"Great," I reply as I grab my fortune cookie and crack it in half, shoving a chunk into my mouth. "I'm happy things worked out."
San has this mixture between amusement and annoyance on her face and I can tell that she is dying to ask me. "Just say it San," I reply as I shove the other chunk into my mouth my eyes reading the fortune in my hand.
To love is to forgive.
"Did you take the test?" she asks her eyes wide and curious as she stares at me. My eyes keep lingering over the words so instead of responding I simply nod my head.
"And?" she questions, her body leaning towards me a bit as she waits for the words to leave my lips.
"And," I reply cautiously, "I'm not saying anything to anyone until I have talked to Noah."
She gets this huge pout on her face, hands gripping the edge of her table. "But I'm like your best friend." She whines. I can't help but think of the boy a few miles away curled up on the couch, his snores filling the living room. I can't help but think that the best friend title belongs to someone else.
So my computer is up and running again, which is cause for celebration! Thanks to all of you who took the time to review the last chapter. You guys are amazing and I heart you! Thanks for the encouragement and support!
N