Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note nor any of the characters contained therein.

Summary: L is almost 17, investigating a serial murder case near Toronto University. Undercover as a student prodigy, L will have to find a balance between education, investigation, and (ye gods) a social life. Rated M for language/nudity/ gore. Some spoilers for Death Note: Another Note.

#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#

He would have given anything in the world to be alone; but he knew himself that he would not have remained alone for a moment.

– excerpt from Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky

#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#

The Worst Feeling Ever

Chapter 22: Expulsive Dispersion

"But it's wrong!"

"Of course it's wrong. It is what he would do."

"But that's exactly why you shouldn't do it!"

"Actually, that is precisely why I must do it. These are the actions I must take, and quickly. He will expect me to spend the time to build up an elaborate plan to neutralize him entirely."

"And why would he expect that?"

"Because it is what I would have done and still want to do. This will be quick and dirty – not my style. Closer to Deneuve's, but then again she prefers to toy with her targets first . . ." L pulled at his lip. "Even if Coil does expect the worst, my history has shown him that I have been unwilling to take such steps. There are lines I have refused to cross, and he knows it. If he flatters himself that I will react in a more extreme way to his attempt to entrap me, he will still not expect me to not only cross those lines but to go further than he has."

"That just makes you worse than him."

"It means that I will succeed."

"At what cost?" Aleister's eyes flashed. "Do you think you'll have got through all this unchanged? Once you've done it . . . if you do succeed, you'll just be tempted to do it again, and then –"

"No." L kept his face blank, though his nostrils flared. "I will not do this again. One and done, as they say. Even if I were to be tempted, I would resist. It would be unwise to fall into easily predictable habits in any event . . ."

"This is not the way to pay Coil back for his crimes! To allow ourselves any kind of moral authority, we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard than that of the criminals we apprehend."

"It depends on the standard – what's being measured and how. Only insofar as recurring behavior –"

"Don't delude yourself! The second you make one exception, it becomes easier to make more. This business we're in, of solving crimes, requires us to stand morally firm, yet . . . even being aware of so many horrific acts affects us. We rocks at the shoreline are chipped and smoothed away, relentlessly reduced – we don't grow and become, we are whittled down and shaped by what we can't control. The choices we could have made, the things we could have been . . . they're all taken from us to become sand at our feet." Aleister ran a hand over his face.

"All the more reason to control what we can, and stop what will harm others."

"That's no justification for such a monstrous lie! Think of all the people who lost their lives because Coil deceived the police and manipulated an unstable man into becoming a serial killer!"

"Willette would have become a killer on his own. It is even possible that Coil delayed Willette by giving him a specific goal. Coil was careful. Even with coherent and fully cooperative testimony from Willette, the acquisition of which would be unlikely at best, it would be nearly impossible to prove that Coil set him to his task. We have no records of their conversations, and Willette made all of the choices in terms of who to kill and how – I would go so far as to say that he likely surprised Coil in the way he carried out his murders. Odds are Coil expected him to kill in a pattern more similar to his father's. And despite the fact that Willette intended to double-cross Coil, I doubt that he would have succeeded. People tend not to take the word of a proven murderer over that of the world's best detective."

"A rank you seek, not uncoincidentally."

"The rank itself is irrelevant. Its only use is in greater access to information and assistance from law enforcement. And as to the people who lost their lives, Aleister," L said, meeting his eyes, "think of all the people who could yet lose their lives as a consequence of the choices Coil will continue to make. He has falsified evidence before and gotten away with it, and on this case, his behavior has escalated to collusion with a murderer and to murder itself. Coil is a danger to everyone and must be stopped."

"You've no idea what he'll do next, you've no –"

"Exactly. Which is why I will give him just enough rope with which to hang himself."

"And you don't think he'll see right through that?"

"He will underestimate me. To be fair, he should have low expectations of me, considering how close I came to falling completely into his trap." L's mouth twisted.

"See, this is exactly what I was afraid of. You're reacting emotionally – a thing I might otherwise rejoice if it weren't making you so reckless. I know you think you aren't, that this is all about logic and preventing future crime, but stooping to Coil's level or even below to do so won't serve you well. You'll hate yourself for this, when it's done. All the anger you feel toward Coil will be directed inward, toward yourself."

"No, Aleister. That is how you would feel." L sighed, glancing through the door at the still-unopened luggage on the floor of their Montreal suite. "You mentioned the pitfalls of empathy to me once. I believe I understand now. But I do not feel empathy as you do. As to my anger . . . it is already directed at myself, for failing. Coil is simply a criminal who must be caught. At most, what I feel toward him now is pity. But whatever my failings are, his are far worse, and he poses a greater danger as a result. I will be using his own energy against him – a judo tactic, applied in non-physical terms."

Aleister was shaking his head, eyes closed. "Rationalize it however you like, it's still wrong."

"Considering that Coil's own behavior will be what determines his fate –"

"Don't talk to me of fate!" Aleister's shout rang in the room. "You don't even believe in it!"

"Do you?"

"I . . . I don't bloody know anymore . . ."

The bend in L's back became more pronounced. "I would have thought that you would at least be pleased that Coil will be brought to justice for murdering Officer Maulty."

"Do not get me started on justice again – I've already said my bit on that, and you still don't understand." Aleister turned away. "And you damn well know that's not the part of your plan I object to."

Placing a thumb to his lip, L watched the other boy pace. "Yes, I know. But in a sense, he really did kill Ezekiel Penn."

"No, actually, you killed Ezekiel Penn by giving up your role as him."

L blinked. "You believe that I should have allowed the police to arrest me?"

Aleister angled his head to face him. "Yes."

"Hm. I can imagine Watari's reaction to that."

"As can I. Though you're not exactly taking orders from him anymore, are you?"

Eyes narrowing, L dropped his thumb from his lip. "That situation was already explained to you, and it occurred after Coil attempted to frame me."

"I know that. And I know that you could have gone back and turned yourself in, as a material witness to a crime. So why didn't you?"

"Because I did not trust the police to reach the correct conclusions."

"Wrong. It's because you didn't trust yourself to convince them. Coil's got you second-guessing your abilities, and it's making you resort to mimicking him."

Fists in his pockets, L regarded the sandy-haired teen with his arms crossed glaring at him from across the small bedroom. He considered trying to explain further – he even considered conceding the point that he'd made some mistakes and that his confidence had suffered. But he knew that no matter what concession he offered, Aleister would not give up until he'd convinced L not to proceed, and L fully intended to proceed. It seems Aleister has a greater strength of will than he realizes, he thought. He may be more worthy of this role than I am, though I will not make the mistake of telling him that again.

"Nothing to say to that, then?" Aleister raised an eyebrow.

"Attempting to draw my ire by comparing my behavior to B's is a painfully obvious ploy to manipulate me. I had thought you above such things."

"That's . . . that's not the bloody point!" Hair tossing, Aleister's face flushed red. "I'm trying to save you from making a mistake you'll regret!"

"There are things I regret, Aleister, but this will not be one of them. When Coil falls, he will deserve to do so."

"Then you'll deserve to fall with him."

"If that's so, then I already deserve to fall for having made the decision to follow my plan." L lowered his gaze to the scattered papers on the desk beside Aleister. "Coil will be convicted of two murders: Maulty and Penn. You cannot 'save' me. By your estimation, I am already lost."

"Not until you've actually done it, you're not! People think all sorts of things – it doesn't count until you do it! Using Coil's actions against himself doesn't give you a neat little moral out. You're still responsible –"

"I never said that I had a 'moral out,' and I've accepted my responsibility. Your only real point here is that you wouldn't do this, which I already know. I –"

"No, I bloody well wouldn't do it! I'd rather die."

L raised his eyebrows. "You would die to preserve the reputation of a deluded and self-aggrandizing murderer who regularly manipulates worldwide law enforcement to his own ends?"

Aleister's jaw clenched. "I would rather die than become one."

For a long moment, L simply stared at him. The other teen stared back, his lips pressed together, the faintest of tremors along Aleister's arms making it seem as though the blood rushing through his veins was unbalancing him from within. I suppose on some level, L thought, we all react emotionally, though it is important to curb this. I already know that I will not become what Coil has, regardless of what Aleister believes. L knew the risks his plan entailed and the compromises he was making, but he also knew that he couldn't let Coil go. Resolute, he stepped toward the door. "You will have your chance to try things your way. There is one condition, however." L looked over his shoulder. "Don't die."

"Please don't do this, L." Aleister's voice cracked.

"The evidence is already in place. I knew when I started this case that there was a possibility that I might have to stage the death of my alias, though I did not anticipate the circumstances. For that reason, Watari kept blood, skin cells, and hair samples from the same untraceable donor refrigerated and ready to use. Remember Lopov? After shadowing the male prostitute who looks like me and getting him out of the city over two hours ago, he then placed some of the DNA evidence we provided not far from the university using my specific instructions. The police will find the planted blood and black hair on a rock on the riverbank, with Coil's fingerprints on it, just upstream from a set of my cleaned and then river-muddied clothes. According to the confirmation I received earlier from Lopov, Ezekiel Penn's ID and keys are in the jeans pocket, exactly as planned. It shouldn't be long now. I was not asking for your advice on this matter – I was merely informing you as a courtesy." L stepped out of the room, noting the hitched breath of the boy he was leaving behind.

Coil's fingerprints, acquired during the case in Brazil, had been molded onto a rubber glove specially made by Watari a month after that case had ended – a precautionary measure. This glove had been loaned to Lopov to place Coil's fingerprints on the rock with the DNA evidence and hair from the untraceable donor, as well as on Ezekiel Penn's student ID/magnetic key. The ID and other keys would also be marked with the fake fingerprints for Ezekiel Penn. In addition, the unfortunate encounter L had had with Coil had given him what he needed to lead police to the correct conclusion regarding Maulty's murder – Maulty's blood had gotten on his clothes, and certainly the blood that had gotten on his gloves and sneakers had been well-preserved. This too was only a matter of proper placement and context. Lopov had obtained a pair of boots identical to those Coil had worn and had anointed them with Maulty's blood, some tunnel-grime, and Coil's fingerprints, and he'd already placed them behind a dumpster near the five-star hotel where Coil seemed to have been staying. L was still waiting for Lopov to confirm that he'd made the anonymous call to the police reporting "bloodied boots" to ensure that they'd be found before some opportunist made off with them.

L also knew the predicament of at least one of the men in Coil's employ, and he knew how to render Coil's blackmail of the man moot. After I've hacked into Coil's offshore finances, he thought, he will almost certainly assign this man to handle the problem. Then I will propose a deal with this Jason Loud to expunge the record of Loud's forgery and embezzlement so that he will help me further the erosion of Coil's power. No doubt this man will welcome his freedom, since it will allow him to spend more time with his family. Aleister does not understand. I am dismantling a decades-in-the-making empire of a man who has become a villain. I do not undertake this lightly.

"So that's it, then." The boy's voice followed L over the threshold. "You're just embracing revenge and deceit as a way of life?"

"Of course not. Coil is just another criminal. The scope of what he has done and will do is why I must stop him." L paused just outside the door, his head cocked to one side, eyes focused on distant rooms. "Will you stop me?"

The short gusts of Aleister's breathing were all that broke the silence for a few moments. When his voice finally came, it was low and even. "'Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.'"

Frowning, L peered back through the doorway at the other teen. "Crowley? Interesting. Though that statement entirely negates what you were saying earlier."

"Back when Beyond and I were allowed to change our designations, Aleister Crowley's ideas, and that quote in particular, were the reasons I chose my name. It fit how I felt at the time. I was angry at what I'd lost and didn't believe that justice was even achievable. To pare everything down to the basics and get rid of pointless laws that never seemed to be properly enforced anyway made the most sense to me. But I never lost the notion that we are all responsible for the consequences of our own actions." Aleister's fists were at his sides, still shaking slightly, his face tinged red. "I understand things a bit better now. Justice can be achieved, but only through kindness, not cruelty and manipulation. Whatever you may do, whatever you may think of me, please at least remember that."

Ignoring reflected light in the driplines on the boy's face, L held his gaze and nodded once. "I will remember." He turned and walked away, hearing a heavy sigh in his wake to join the chorus of soft breathing wafting in from the other rooms of the suite.

#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#

He was used to creating diversions and fabricating identities, but this was the first time he'd done so in a non-instructive or non-illicit capacity. He felt he really ought to have been giving it his full attention, but he was finding it quite difficult to concentrate.

I decided he was alive, and he is – I know there's no cause and effect to that, but still . . . it nearly feels like a victory, Aleister thought. Yet his eyes . . . the way he speaks to us . . . it's as if he's lost something of himself, as though I'd wished him back with a monkey's paw. He shook the thought from his head. He's traumatized, that's all. Who wouldn't be. Beyond will be back to his usual modus operandi soon enough if the metric ton of antibiotics Watari's gotten him is any indication.

One of the more surreal intervals of the trip from Toronto to Montreal had been the scant few hours when he'd been bookended by two sleeping black-haired boys, both of whom were so different yet so important to him. He'd had a too-brief nap himself as well, awaking to a squabble over snacks. Watari had barely spoken the entire way. From what Aleister had been able to ascertain since then, L was continuing to move forward with his morally questionable plan to ensnare Coil and had already placed some calls to the ICPO to vouch for his invented agent, Roussel. Since they had needed to change locations quickly, Aleister hadn't been able to work in earnest on creating all of the false paperwork needed for L's new identities before they'd left, but now that he had the time and the resources, he just couldn't focus. The argument he'd had with L several hours earlier, shortly after they'd checked in, hadn't helped. I can't think about that now, Aleister thought, biting back anguish, I've got to keep working.

As a child one summer, Aleister had found a rotting opossum under a discarded metal breadbox, but even that aroma had seemed sweet compared with the horrific stench that had invaded the Toronto suite when L and Beyond had entered. He'd somehow managed not to retch and had embraced Beyond, who had barely been able to stand on his own. "I knew you were alive!" Aleister had exclaimed. "You're too bloody stubborn to die!"

"Damn right I am, Ally-oop," Beyond had responded, his throat sounding raw, "but are you?"

Aleister still didn't know what to make of that, and L's explanation that Beyond was delirious was unsatisfying. Beyond's always been a bit mad, he thought, but he does seem different. Aleister sighed. Who am I bloody kidding – we're all different now. Rubbing his eyes with a palm, his thoughts pulled him reluctantly back to his last conversation with L, his gut twisting. He's making a horrible mistake and he won't listen to anyone, Aleister thought. Is it too much to hope that he'll have an epiphany once he's gone through with it? Coil is awful, I've no doubt of that, but framing him for two murders, even one he actually committed, is still wrong. He shook his head, hair tickling his eyebrows. Had he been conscious, Beyond would have sided with L on this, I think – maybe that would have convinced him not to go forward with his plan.

Thinking about the direction L's plans might take him brought a lump to his throat, and Aleister struggled to suppress these thoughts again. No point agonizing over decisions he's already made, he thought. I've no choice in the matter. I can't decide which is worse, L becoming Coil or L dying because he tried to be like Coil. Aleister shook his head. No, no, death is worse – living at least leaves open the possibility that he'll learn. There's always a chance, there's always hope . . .

Finishing up the last bit of system hacking to plant the rest of Roussel's background information for the ICPO to dig up later, Aleister leaned back in his chair, yawning and stretching his arms over his head, one hand on a bent elbow. He hadn't slept in almost 24 hours, and he hated that his stamina was already flagging.

"All done?"

Body jerking, Aleister almost fell out of the chair. Re-righting himself, he looked sheepishly over his shoulder at Watari, who was regarding him with concern from the doorway. "Well, the last of the important bit's finished. I've still got one more diversion to rig to keep our trail clean, but that should do us until we've left the country."

"Excellent work, Aleister." Watari's smile seemed weary. "Once you've completed that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you get some rest."

"Ye gods, no – not that. However will I cope . . ."

Watari chuckled. "It's good to see that there's at least one of you whom I don't have to coerce into sleeping."

"It's my fatal flaw of being sensible." A smile ghosted over Aleister's face. "How is he?"

"Stable for now, and sedated."

"Well, that's one way around coercion . . ." Aleister dropped his eyes, swallowing. "Think he'll . . . I mean, is he –"

"Beyond will live." Watari's voice sounded firm. "It's only been a day, I know, but his color is better and the antibiotics appear to be working."

"Good. I'm a bit worried about how all this has affected him. He puts a brave face on things, but . . ."

Watari walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It will take him some time to heal, both physically and emotionally. He will need your friendship, perhaps most especially when it seems he does not."

Aleister nodded. "I'll do my best."

"You always do, my boy."

Eyes darting to the scribbled notes on the desk, Aleister pressed his lips together. "When is he coming back?"

"L should be boarding the flight I booked him shortly."

Aleister's mouth dropped open. "That's it? No goodbye, again?" He felt his cheeks warming. "Not even a final word on the case?"

"You know him as well as any of us." Resignation colored Watari's voice. "He is not fond of protracted goodbyes."

"Bloody hell . . ." Aleister scowled and felt the hand lift from his shoulder. "You should have told me so that the diversions I've already set up wouldn't conflict with his plans."

"I apologize."

"Oh, it's alright." Aleister relented. "I'll make some quick changes to cover for it." As Watari turned to exit the room, another thought occurred to Aleister. "Did we ever find out what the Butcher's coded message would have been?"

Watari stopped at the threshold. "Beyond asked that very question on our way back to the Sojourner on Sunday night. L said that to expend any effort to puzzle out the intended message would have granted the Butcher undeserved relevance. To my surprise, I find myself agreeing – it is always foolish to stroke the ego of a sociopath."

"But . . . I would have thought L wanted to know why Willette took to murdering people. The message might have lent some clue as to his reasoning."

"I scarcely think reason is applicable with regard to this murderer's motivations."

"Well, I suppose you've a point there." Aleister traced his jawline with a knuckle. "I'm surprised Beyond accepted that."

"Oh, he didn't. He was quite frustrated, in fact."

A sharp exhalation escaped Aleister's mouth. "I still can't believe that L is letting Coil take credit for solving the case." He clenched his jaw, suppressing his feelings regarding L's plan to entrap Coil. Watari obviously knows all about that, Aleister thought. Did he go along with what L wanted out of resignation, or did he actually agree with him?

"It's necessary, I'm afraid, if Coil is to be stopped. All a part of the larger trap for him."

Eyes widening, Aleister looked Watari in the eye. "So you're allowed to talk to me about it? That's refreshing."

A half-smile touched Watari's face briefly. "I was not given explicit permission, but I can only presume that you already know about it. I trust that you'll keep any details to yourself."

"Of course. I expect Beyond knows as well, and I can assure you –"

"It might be best if you don't discuss it with him, actually." Watari's eyes were hooded. "Considering the events of the past few months, we should avoid encouraging Beyond to 'help' in any investigations for awhile."

"Ah." Aleister's face fell. So that's how it is, he thought, mouth twisting. "That will be . . . challenging."

"Indeed it will." Nodding solemnly, Watari turned to leave.

"What . . . happened? Between you and L, I mean."

Watari stopped, back still turned, remaining silent for a moment. "Nothing you need worry about, Aleister."

"As you and he have both told me, worrying is unnecessary anyway. I just want to know what happened, and if there's anything I can do." Aleister's hands fidgeted in his lap.

"He . . ." Watari sighed, face turned just enough so that Aleister could see the pink shell of his ear but not his eyes. "He has gotten out of the habit of sharing his thoughts with me of late as a consequence of a minor disagreement over the handling of certain elements of the investigation. That is all you need know."

"I'm not a child." The words vaulted past Aleister's lips, and he blushed.

"Of course you aren't." Looking over his shoulder, Watari's eyes showed warmth. "You're all growing up. It's shocking how quickly that's happened. But I am not withholding information from you because I think you can't handle it – I am doing so in deference to him."

Aleister sighed. Did he really think L murdered the police officer? he wondered. Or did L mislead me? "All these bloody secrets . . ."

"I know it's frustrating, but some secrets must be kept."

"Secrets aren't far removed from lies, you know." Aleister's eyes flashed.

"Cousins, perhaps. But surely there are secrets you've kept."

"There are. That doesn't make them good."

"I never said they were good, Aleister. Just necessary some of the time. If L asks me to keep his confidence, I will do so – as I would do for you, or for any of you. Our secrets and our choices belong to us, always. There is no escaping that responsibility." Watari bowed his head slightly and walked into the next room.

"I love him," Aleister blurted out, the words seeming to burn the air around him.

Several moments passed, the doorway empty. "I know." Watari's voice floated across the space he'd just vacated. "And I will keep that secret to myself – as should you."

Soft footsteps let Aleister know that Watari had walked out of range. Hot tears stung his eyes, and he blotted them with his sleeve. Right then, he thought; stiff upper lip and get back to fucking work. No actual emotions allowed. Aleister spun the chair to face the computer, mouth working. He wondered if L knew the truth or if such a notion as love was so irrelevant to him that he couldn't know. He thought my finding him attractive was preposterous, Aleister thought. If he knew I felt more than that, he'd likely avoid me completely. He wondered how many messages, coded or not, L did not bother to puzzle out, or if he puzzled through them all and told no one. Aleister hoped the latter was true. Better secrets than ignorance, he thought.

Cracking his knuckles, he bent to his task once more, hacking into an airline's scheduling records. By the time I'm done, Aleister thought, Coil will think L's in Alaska. In drag. With Elvis.

#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#~~~~~~~~~~#

Author's Note: Poor Aleister. He and L just don't see eye-to-eye on certain things. And Aleister's ideas about Mr. Crowley are entirely his own, fyi. There are times when I think Aleister has better rapport with Watari than L does, but then again he seems to have better rapport with everyone.

Three chapters left (pretty sure) and heading into the home stretch.

Thanks for reading!