Pam sat nervously in the living room she and Roy shared as the camera as the crew set themselves up. She had the hair done is soft curls, her make-up was complete and she was wearing her wedding dress. Pam actually liked her dress because she had made it unique. It was plain satin strapless gown with a small train. Pam had sewn some crystals to the front to make it look more special; the clear crystals swirled down her bodice like a wide, sparkling ribbon. It had taken three nights of sowing to get it right but Pam knew it was worth the extra effort. The money saved on the dress went to the honeymoon anyway.
It was 12.00pm, just half an hour before she would be setting off to the church with her father beside her to be married to her high school sweetheart. The camera crew had been filming her and Roy all morning in exchange for doing a professional job on their wedding video. It was cheaper than getting a videographer and documentary style was in demand at the moment.
She watched patiently as the three person crew set up. The camera man, Alex, was the first member of the crew she had met on the very first day of filming at Dunder Mifflin. She remembered how awkward and shy he was in his tight jeans, black spiky hair and t-shirts featuring various bands which Pam had never heard of or would ever want to know. He was wearing a suit today for the occasion; Pam teased him that he looked like he was going to court. He smiled sweetly at her as he rushed to get the tripod set up.
The sound guy, Pedro, had been with the crew since the Dundies at Chili's. He'd gotten married the week earlier and he'd put back his honeymoon to film the wedding. He was dressed in the same linen suit he wore for his wedding but with a more sedate tie and his long black hair tied in a low ponytail. He greeted Pam warmly with two kisses when he saw her and hurried to get set up.
Pam's interviewer, Marcia was leafing through some notes on a clipboard and preparing her questions and the schedule for the day. She was also producer and director today. She was elegant like a ballerina with her blonde hair swept into a French pleat, Dwight could hardly form a sentence when he first met her but Angela put paid to that when she 'accidently' dropped a knife in the break room, just missing his big toe. Marcia had a way of getting people to talk; Pam swore that half the stupid things Michael would say in a day were to impress her. It didn't work.
Pam sat nervously and waited for the filming to begin. The room seemed tense, much more than it should have been on the happiest day of her life. Marcia got the nod from Alex and began. Marcia was smiling and upbeat.
"How do you feel?"
"Yeah, I'm really excited." She smiled, "I've been waiting for this day for soooo long. I mean it's been three years, a whole lot has happened since I said yes." She thought for a brief moment. "Well not that much really, I'm still working at Dunder Mifflin and I'm not an artist!" she only seemed to be half joking as a sadness flashed behind her eyes.
"What made you say yes to marrying Roy?"
"Wow, well, I was in love. He's the only guy I've ever," she coughs abruptly realising how much information she was revealing, "...I've loved. He can be very sweet, there was this one time, like, five years ago where he tried to cook me dinner and it was a complete disaster! He even tried to make a soufflé! Yeah, he's not really cooked since then, says he's no good at it, but he loves me and wants a nice, settled life, you know, security and all that good stuff for raising a family." She shifts in her dress slightly and then settles again.
"You'll be having children soon then?"
"Well, yeah, maybe. Roy's not given me a date but he says he wants kids so, um, yeah. He'll be a good dad." Her eyes darken slightly. "I don't know, maybe I'm not ready yet either." She rationalised, "I kinda wait on what..." she's looking down, fiddling with her engagement ring which now sits on her right hand, her left hand awaiting a wedding ring. "We haven't discussed it in a while." A heavy silence filled the room for just a few seconds but it felt like hours.
"What do you want, Pam?" Marcia dark eyes changed from bright professionalism to concerned and worried. It felt like she wanted to reach out and hold Pam's hand.
"Me? I don't know." She shrugged. "What everyone wants. Marriage, children, a house with a terrace, to be loved and be in love. Someone who makes you smile when you don't think you can, someone who makes you laugh, someone who can turn your knees to jelly with a look, someone who's always there for you, someone... someone who really gets you. Someone you can talk to about anything." She saw Alex and Pedro's eyes meet and they shared a thought. Pam suddenly became irritated so she tersely responded, "And I have that with Roy." The words seemed angrier than she intended but she meant it. Marcia looked uncomfortable at upsetting Pam on this day of all days so reached into her pocket for a change of subject.
"Someone from Dunder Mifflin wanted us to give you this."
She handed Pam a letter. Her name was handwritten on the front. She mouth went dry. She licked her lips heavily as she slowly turned the envelope over and eased it open. She pulled out a congratulations card and looked at the picture. It was a generic summer wedding picture, a non-descript bride and groom under a pergola covered with roses in bloom. They looked happy with the bride's veil blowing in the breeze and their hands entwined. She opened it up. Her eyes filled up with tears and Alex zoomed in for a close up. A tear from each eye fell into the card before she snapped it shut and looked up, remembering once again where she was. Her hands were shaking and she had turned pale. "I-I." She looked around the room, her breathing was speeding up and she pulled at her dress trying to find room to breathe. "Oh god." She held her head in her hands just trying to focus on not throwing up as her panic attack took hold. "Oh god, oh god, oh god."
"Pam, what's wrong?"
"I can't. I can't do this." She was hyperventilating, "No, no, this is wrong, I've made a huge mistake, oh god." Her breathing was getting out of hand.
"Calm down Pam, what was in that card?" Marcia placed her hand on her satin covered knee. It felt thick and plush beneath her hand.
Pam lifted her head and revealed her red rimmed, puffy eyes and tear strewn cheeks. "I've got to go." She stood up and rushed out of the room with the crew following, Alex hadn't bothered to remove the tripod as they followed behind. They caught up with Pam as her father stood in the kitchen with a hot cup of tea.
"All done, Pamela?" he smiled before noticing her obvious distress. "What's wrong?"
She was talking so fast and still pulling at her dress for room to breathe. "I'm sorry Dad, I can't, I just can't. I'm so, so sorry." She ran up stairs and unzipped her dress sending swathes of fabric to the floor. She ripped off her wedding lingerie and pulled on her nicest matching pair of black lace underwear, a blue patterned summer skirt and a three quarter length scoop neck t-shirt in blue too. She grabbed a bag small enough to still be classed as hand luggage and began slinging clothes into it, all the nicest ones she had. She grabbed some essentials from her dresser and dashed back down stairs.
"Pamela, what on earth are you doing? Why have you taken off your dress?" Pam was smiling. Her father was not. The camera crew continued to film and watched in awe of the unfolding drama.
She tried to stand still as she spoke but she was rifling through her purse, taking things out and putting new things in, "I can't marry Roy, Dad. He's not The One. I've been too scared to admit it, too comfortable in this rut; we're not going to make each other happy Dad."
"I don't understand Pamela, you were so happy this morning, are you sure this isn't just cold feet? I should call your mother, she's on her way to the church already, she'll talk you through this." He fumbled for his cell phone but Pam placed her hand over his and stilled his efforts.
"I'm not changing my mind Dad, it's taken me far too long to make it up." She said calmly as she could. She glanced briefly at the camera and noticed Alex smiling. "I know this is going to hurt Roy but not as much if I go through with this." Pam started to scrawl out a note. "Please take this to him. Tell his family I'm sorry, I really am." She began to cry again. "I have to do this Dad, if not I'll regret it forever."
"Pamela, don't you love Roy?" His eyes looked so sad, he was losing someone in this too, he had known Roy for ten years.
"I did. Very much. But not now. Not anymore." She hugged her father tightly, her head against his collar bone, his arms wrapped around her. "I'm sorry Dad, I know how much you love Roy and how much money and time you contributed to this wedding but I need to be honest with you as well as with myself. For once."
"What? When haven't you been honest?"
"For a long time, Dad. Too long."
"I don't understand, what are you going to do, where are you going?" he was started to pace and become flustered.
"The airport."
"What!" He father ran a very stressed hand through his hair, "You need to tell Roy yourself, you owe him at least that." He was almost shouting now, she'd never seen him like that.
Pam mulled it over, she didn't want to disappoint her father but talking to Roy right now was the last thing she wanted to deal with. She conceded, "Ok, church first." Pam felt a wave of nausea override her excitement. She got in the wedding car with her father and they began the five minute journey to the church. The camera van followed behind.