Pam almost ran off the plane and into the San Francisco terminal. There had been summer storms over much of the Midwest states and Pam had spent the last four hours with her fingernails dug into the arm rests while the obese businessman beside her slept peacefully. She didn't hate many people, if any really, but she really hated that businessman.
Pam quickly looked at the screen to find her connecting flight was leaving from the gate just a short walk away. With three hours to kill she bought herself a couple of slices of horrendously over priced pizza and a coke and took a seat at a table. She took comfort in being on solid ground again but while her thoughts on the plane had revolved around what would happen when she found Jim now her thoughts were consumed with what she'd left Roy to face and the fact that the only life she'd known was gone.
The first slice of pizza which had felt so satisfying to eat now felt like it was going to come back up. She swallowed hard and tried to calm herself but the guilt was overwhelming. She'd have to go back, she couldn't do this now. She reached for her phone with shaking hands and called her mom, the person most likely to understand.
Her mom picked up on the first ring.
"Sweetie, where are you? Houston? LA?"
"LA." She half sobbed.
"Oh honey, I know you didn't want to do it like this but a broken engagement is so much better than a divorce." She comforted.
"I left him at the altar, he didn't deserve that and now I'm going to Australia! God, I'm horrible, I'm-I'm... evil!" The tears were coming thick and fast now, the rush of adrenaline that got her this far had dissipated and her conviction was fading.
"Oh you're not evil, there's nothing you could have done here other than keep out of the way, might as well start your new life, you deserve it sweetie. I'm handling everything ok? It's all going to be ok, for Roy too."
"I'm coming back, I can't leave, I need to talk to Roy again, tell him I'm sorry, I need to find a place to live, I need my own car, I'll have to get another job for all the debt." Her words were running into each other as she cried at the table. Passersby stared but Pam didn't notice, lost in her own guilt and the shock of what she'd done.
"Calm down Pam, take a deep breath with me okay, in... and out... in and... out." Pam followed her mom's instructions, her calm and relaxed tone grounding her from her hysteria. "All this we can sort out. Your father and I will put your belongings in storage unit, we won't tell Roy where you are-"
"I'm coming home, I told you, it's not right what I'm doing."
There was a pause as Pam's mom chose her next words.
"Do you love Jim?"
Pam didn't need to think. "Yes, I do."
"Then you need to go make sure he knows. Have you tried calling?"
"Yeah, just before I got on the flight but it went straight to voicemail."
"Go to him darling, I know how happy he makes you and he loves you too, it's time to start doing what you want to do and not what you think other people want believe me, I know that makes no one happy in the end."
"I'll think about it." She conceded, not sold but still wanting to see Jim very much, it had felt like a lifetime since they'd made each other smile. "How's dad? And Roy's parents?"
"I'm dealing with them sweetie." She couldn't hide the weariness in her tone.
"That bad, huh?"
"It's to be expected." Pam's mom didn't lie; it was never going to be easy.
"And Roy?"
"Kenny took him to the cabin."
"Oh. Ok." Pam wasn't sure what to do with this information. "Should I call?"
"Best not. Give him some time."
"I'm so, so sorry mom."
"I know, but I just want you to be happy. You've not been right since that night."
"I know."
"Make things right with Jim honey, I need to know my little girl is happy." Her mom's voice broke at the end sending a quiver to Pam's bottom lip.
"I don't know, I still need to think." The thought of finding a new place to call home and live alone for the first time in her life was making her shake, she just wanted to know how this was going to end, she wanted to feel secure again. She'd never felt this out of control before. "Mom I-"
"I've got to go, your in-laws are here." She cut in quickly, her tone changing to something more urgent.
"Let me talk to them."
"Not a good idea, call me when you get to Sydney, ok?"
"No, I need to say I'm sorry."
"Later, when things have calmed down, gotta go, I love you."
"Love you too mom."
As she listened to her mom hang up she remembered once again she was on the other side of the country on her way to the other side of the world. Even sat amongst hundreds of travellers from all over the world she'd never felt quite so alone. She wondered how Roy was feeling right now.
It felt like a lifetime ago that Roy met her mom for the first time. The star quarterback. She was worried when he appeared unexpectedly at her front door but Roy had been a gentleman for a sixteen year old. He called her mom Mrs Beesly, wiped his feet at the door and stood up straight. Her parents had worried that someone like Roy only wanted one thing but he'd actually been sweet. He'd come over under the pretence of giving Pam a copy of his biology notes when Roy wasn't exactly the brightest spark and Pam had no use for his notes anyway. They went out on their first official date that weekend, the high school football game he left her at. Pam shook her head and forced another bite of pizza. She was just a child back then.
Her childhood was over now. The future that girl dreamt of is long gone and it only took an instant and one card that sat in her handbag. She took it out and looked at the picture on the front again. She could well be sat at her reception if it hadn't been for this. Now she was effectively homeless and hated by everyone with the surname Anderson in the Pennsylvania area. Ten years. Over.
Oh god, what have I done?
Before she had time to panic again she remembered the one person she wanted to talk to, the one person who could make her feel right again. Jim. She smiled at his name. She didn't want him to move from one guy to another, but she couldn't leave him thinking that he'd misinterpreted their friendship when she loved him so much. She didn't know when it happened but now she'd let herself feel it she just needed him to know.
She could picture a new future. One she'd had for barely half a day but one that gave her so much hope and strength.
When her connecting flight was called, she got on.