Episode 3 – M A G I C spells Trouble

Disclaimer: Not going to do disclaimers anymore. Come on, y'all know its fan fiction, it's not serious. It's not like I'm going to change the course of history, or anything. Okay, I might change the course of a few character's sex lives, but who's really going to complain about that? Oh… one other thing I'm not going to do anymore, mainly because it's too onerous, time-consuming and just plain hard, and that is, writing in the present tense. That said; let's get on with it…

Uther pondered Gwen's words. It certainly seemed to make a grim sort of sense; in light of the day's events. But Arthur – his own son, his flesh and blood – plotting against him? Trying to send him around the twist, up the wall, out of his tree? How could he be so cruel, Uther wondered, when all I've tried to do is groom him in my image, raise a soldier, a man, not a boy; and teach him that the only person a man can count on his himself, and anyone he pays handsomely (or at least, more than the enemy offers) to back him up? All I've tried to do is prepare him to lead his kingdom, and this is how he repays me? By stabbing me in the back? Making me look like an old, stupid, crazy fool, who's no good for anything but dribbling and spouting paranoid fantasies about warlocks doing him in? Seems the thing I should have been most paranoid about was right under my nose, Uther thought. Well, let's see him try to make a basket case out of me now!

The king threw a steely gaze at his reflection in the mirror. You are not crazy, he told himself. You are a strong, virile man, capable of running your kingdom; and no one can tell you otherwise…

As he turned to leave the room, a roach the size of a kitten crawled out from under Uther's bed. The king promptly forgot all about being strong and virile, and settled for screaming like Jamie Lee Curtis in every Halloween sequel ever made, instead.

'That brainless half-wit' said Queen Mab to herself, as she stared into her crystal decanter (Saruman from Isengard can have his Palantir, Mab thinks. I've got a seeing glass that can handle more than just the past, present and future. It can handle 750ml of Glenfiddich, too! Now that's handy). 'Never send a girl to do a woman's job'.

She was talking about Her Supreme Being Eris, of course. Not one to place herself above the gods themselves, Mab nevertheless couldn't help bitch when even the immortals fail in what should be an easy task. Uther was still, by and large, completely sane, even with all his obsessive-compulsive traits and phobias. The roach was supposed to be the last straw. Shit, Mab snorted to herself. I could do better, standing on my head! All that silly bitch is likely to do is give the king further reason to ban magic from Come-a-lot – as if he didn't have enough of a grudge against the old religion, already. And now he's super ticked off with Arthur for plotting against him, which is just terrific, not! How are we supposed to oust the bloke when he doesn't even trust his own son to take over?

'I think it's time I paid a visit to Come-a-lot, myself' said Queen Mab, to nobody in particular. Nobody in particular being her sad little manservant, Alfric. The moody little tosser was still carving up his arms Emo-style, but he managed to lift his head long enough to take in what was going on, and flick his heavy dark fringe out of his eyes. 'Yes, My glorious one, my Light When Everything's Dark, my Supreme…'

'Oh, shut the hell up, and pack a bag' Mab grizzled. 'We're going to visit the King'.

'Oh goodie' said Alfric, rolling his large brown eyes. Today, he was wearing his "Sarcasm is just one of the services I offer" t-shirt. It was black, of course, like the rest of his wardrobe. And his hair, and his kicker boots, and his eyeliner. Mab wished for once the bloke would get a new colour scheme, but that was obviously too much to strive for.

She put her special decanter up on the highest shelf and locked the liquor cabinet. 'Yes, goodie' she told Alfric. 'We're going to overthrow the king! Doesn't that sound like fun? Alfie, my dear boy, once the king's gone, you'll be able to do magic again! Out in public, I mean. Won't that be great?'

'Yeah. Great. Whatever' said Alfie, and closed the wounds on his arms with a single glance.

'Oh… And try to find something other than black to wear for an audience with the king, please' Mab pleaded. 'Maybe something in a deep purple?'

'But purple makes me look sick' Alfie complained.

'Darling, you look like death warmed up anyway. What's a little colour going to hurt?'

Alfie groaned and waved a limp wrist. In a blink of an eye he'd changed into a pair of black pants with accentuating pinstripes, a cream vest and black silk shirt. 'Is that better?'

'Much' replied Mab. 'I'll just lock up, and we'll be off. Oh, I am so looking forward to seeing the old stomping grounds again! Wonder what Gaius is up to these days?'

She chuckled. 'Back in the days, the old boy used to be quite the inquisitor! He definitely had ways of making people talk! And scream, cry, beg…'

'Sounds like a real party animal' Alfie droned. Mab was never quite sure if he was being sincere or sarcastic when he used that tone of voice, but it didn't matter.

'He was, in his time. I've missed the old chap. He could sink a beer or two, as well. Nobody I knew could hold his liquor like Gaius'. Mab shouldered a canvas bag. 'Okay – I'm ready. Let's go dethrone a king'.

Gwen stared sadly out the long, tall windows of Morgana's chambers. Her lady was off having a shower and Gwen, as her handmaiden, was supposed to be preparing her clothes for the day, but thoughts of the two suitors in her life – Arthur and Lancelot – were making ordinary, everyday tasks almost impossible. She kept thinking about how after the Ball the other night, she'd relented, and let Lancelot talk her into letting him park his carriage in her… ahem, garage. That had been out by the lake after dark, where no one could see them. Lancelot was quite good in the sack, too, which made her decision all the more difficult. Arthur had spent the entire day after the Masquerade Ball trying to suck up to Gwen for her forgiveness, and it was almost working, much to her chagrin. It was the big blue eyes and pouty lips that were doing her head in! Gwen groaned aloud. Arthur, Lancelot, Arthur, Lancelot… How would she choose?

'Too much choice, that's my problem' she told herself. 'But oh, what a problem to have!'

'What's that?'

Morgana had walked into the room, a towel tucked around her body and another covering her hair like a turban.

Gwen jumped. 'Oh… I'm sorry, your Excellence… I didn't see you there…'

'Gwen, don't get so jumpy! Honestly, it's all right. I'm glad you had such a good time the other night. I did, too. As a matter of fact, Galahad's asked me on another date. Have you heard about The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants? It's on Broadway, apparently. We're going tomorrow night'.

'Good for you, Morgana' Gwen said smiling. 'I'm happy for you. But I wouldn't say I had such a good time at the Ball. I mean, Lancelot is a total hottie and all that, but…'

'You still have a thing for Arthur?' Her lady grinned, knowingly.

Gwen sighed. 'Yes. I can't get him out of my head! I want to, because he can be such a… a…'

'Ginormous Prat?'

'Exactly! Do you know, on the day of the Ball he dropped me like a sack of spuds so he could escort Eris! I had to promise Lance I'd go parking with him after just so I'd have a date! I mean, really…' she huffed and puffed as she set Morgana's clothes out on the bed.

Morgana laughed. 'Well it seems to me that you have a problem most girls would love to have! The good-looking but dimwitted knight versus the brave, good-looking but cocky prince. They all have their pros and cons. But the way I see it, if you can't have an intelligent conversation with a man, or laugh with him, he's not worth sticking with'. She turned so Gwen could button her dress. 'Even if he does it for you in every other way'.

'Hm' Gwen said, thoughtfully. 'Okay, thanks. You've definitely given me something to think about'.

'Good' Morgana replied, and ran her silver brush through her hair. 'Because when my handmaiden is happy, she's a better worker!'

Gwen smiled, suddenly. 'Yes, I am, aren't I? Actually, My Lady, I know who it is I'm going to choose! I have to go tell him, right now, before I have second thoughts! Do you mind?'

'Of course not' Morgana laughed. 'You go find your prince, Gwen'.

Gwen hugged her boss; then stood back, puzzled. 'Hang on; what makes you think I'm going to pick Arthur?'

Morgana raised a quizzical eyebrow. 'You're honestly telling me you can have an intelligent conversation with Lancelot?'

'Good point' said Gwen, grinning. 'See you at lunch!'

Gaius, meanwhile, was working on his special potion down in his dungeon where Merlin couldn't barge in and interrupt. He had almost all the ingredients he needed for the spell, apart from wolves bane, and the blood of his subject. Obtaining those items would be tricky, but not impossible. Then if everything went according to plan, he'd have everything he always wanted. He couldn't wait! Rubbing his calloused hands together, Gaius peered into the green sludge boiling in his cauldron. 'Aha, looking good' he told himself. 'Gaius, old boy, you've outdone yourself this time! This calls for a celebration'.

Putting down the wooden spoon he used to stir his potions, he made his way over to the first cell on the right. The figure on the bunk bed stirred, and glared out at him. 'You can't keep me in here forever' the boy hissed. 'People will be missing me! There will be a massive manhunt. All of Middle Earth will be looking for me'

'Hush, boy… You're not in The Shire any more' Gaius informed him. 'Middle Earth is so 2003! Weren't you at the Oscars when Return of the King won eleventy bloody awards? Ever since, the place has been like Happily Ever Frickin' After. Boring as! You're in my neck of the woods, now, boy. The Kingdom of Come-a-Lot!'

Frodo Baggins sat up and rubbed his big blue eyes. 'Oh… this never would have happened if I'd brought Sam along with me!'

Gaius unlocked the door of the cell, and held his cat 'o' nine tails behind his back as he approached his favourite hobbit. He chuckled, evilly, and Frodo shrank back as he detected a mad glint in the old man's eyes.

'Sam can't help you now'.

Merlin was busy soaping the saddles when Arthur barged into the stables that morning. 'Merlin… You need to help me' he gasped. 'Eris is great, but she's really bossy, and I'm still totally into Gwen! What do I do? I mean, how do I tell a Goddess that it's been fun, but I've got my eye on someone else?'

Merlin put down the bar of soap and frowned, thoughtfully. 'Well' he said, finally, 'It seems to me that you just bite the bullet, and tell her that it's been fun, but you're not into anything long term. She doesn't have to know you've got the hots for someone else. After all, she did say she was only here until she succeeded in knocking Uther off his perch'.

'Yes, but the old boy is no closer to that than he was before she got here' Arthur moaned. 'In fact, he keeps looking at me like he thinks I'm in on the whole "wicked plot" as he calls it!'

'You are in on the whole wicked plot' Merlin pointed out.

Arthur groaned. 'Yeah, but he's not supposed to know that! Jeez, I mean, one minute he's acting like a complete nutter, and the next, he's as sane as you or I! What gives?'

'Maybe he's twigged that someone's got it in for him' Merlin suggested. 'Your father might be a megalomaniacal dictator sometimes, but he's not stupid'.

Arthur looked pensive. 'Or maybe someone told him'.

'Who would do that?'

'Someone who has an axe to grind with me! Someone like… Lancelot'.

'Lancelot doesn't know anything about The Plan. And anyway… what has Lancelot got against you?'

'Gwen, you feeble-minded git! Need I remind you we're in competition for her attentions? After she left with him the other night, I felt… I felt… the most horrible feeling in my gut. I've never felt it before…' Arthur put his hand to his stomach and winced. 'Just thinking about it now, brings it all back…'

'It's called jealousy, My Lord'.

'I know that now. And that's why I've got to fight to win back her trust'. Arthur sat down on a bale of hay beside Merlin. 'Speaking of the fairer sex, how goes it between you and Miss Everhart?'

'Oh… That's over' Merlin shrugged. 'She's just here for a good time, not a long time. That's what she told me, anyway. Plus she said I couldn't dance my way out of a paper bag. I really don't know what she was on about though. I consider my Irish Jig quite the party-pleaser'.

'You're a terrible dancer, Merlin' Arthur said, bluntly. 'Get used to it'.

Merlin pouted, and picked the soup up again. 'Anyway, a man can only talk make-up and hair for so long before his head explodes. I've yet to find a girl who can chat about cool stuff like ma…agazines, and uh, jousting; sword-play; stuff like that'.

Thankfully, Arthur was still mooning over Gwen, and hadn't picked up on Merlin's near fatal slip-of-the-tongue. 'Gwen likes all those things' he said, with a ridiculously dreamy look on his face. 'She's a real catch, that Guinevere'.

'So go tell her' Merlin urged. 'And let me get on with my chores'.

'Thanks. I think I'll do that. Hey, you are a pretty useful servant, after all'.

'Man-servant' Merlin called after him. 'Why does everyone forget that bit?'

'It didn't work!' Eris grumbled. 'The plot to make Uther think he's gone mad has completely failed! Who'd have thunk it? The man is impervious to magic. Either that or he's got a thicker skull than I gave him credit for! I'll just have to up my efforts! I'll have to…' She turned and seeing who was at her chamber door, shrieked in horror.

'What are you doing here?'

Mab crossed the floor as if she were floating. 'I'm here to succeed where you've failed. Really, my dear, when omnipotence was handed out, you didn't even stand in line, did you? You're a God, for Christ's sake, not a rock star! Gods don't attend Masquerade Balls. They sit up on high, and mock those who do'.

'I was just trying to see my handiwork up close' Eris pouted. 'Unfortunately, Uther is no more crazy than you or I. I'm going to have to go to Plan B'.

'And what is Plan B, pray tell?' Mab asked. 'Do you even know?'

'I was getting to that' Eris sulked. 'But you know we could combine our efforts'.

'There will be no need for that. I'm here to start a war. A war Uther cannot win. If that doesn't convince his constituents to lobby for his early retirement, nothing will. And if that doesn't work, I could always poison the blighter'.

'What, with fairy dust?' Eris scoffed. Mab's tiny little off-sider glared at her from under his heavy lids. 'And who's this, by the way?'

'This is Alfric. Alfie, bow to the Goddess Eris. She might not have succeeded in her task but she's still technically a deity. Even if she's happier prancing about with mortals these days'.

'I don't prance' Eris said, glaring at the both of them and crossing her arms. 'I hover. And sometimes I skulk. But I don't prance'.

'Whatever' sighed Mab. 'Okay… If you're intent on hovering about, maybe you could do something for me. I want to start a war. I want the people of Come-a-lot to lose faith in their king. How are you at kidnappings?'

'Who do you want me to kidnap?' Eris asked, intrigued.

'We can't talk here. Meet me at the Drunken Sailor in an hour. I'll fill you in, then'.

'A pub? You want me to enter a filthy, dirty, common pub?'

Mab raised an eyebrow at the Goddess. 'If you want in on my plan, then yes. You've had no trouble acting human so far; Balls and all! Just meet me at the pub I mentioned, and I'll tell you all you need to know'.

'Arthur'

'Gwen'

'Arthur'

'Gwen'

It was the clichéd scene on the beach, with the two young lovers running toward each other, only it wasn't the beach, it was the courtyard, and Arthur had to jump in order to miss stepping in a huge pile of horse dung. But he reached Gwen just in time to hear her say the words he wanted to hear. 'I'm so sorry' she gushed. 'I was never really interested in Lance, I just wanted to make you jealous'.

'Well, it worked' he told her. 'I had a gut-ache so bad I thought it was wind. But it only really hurt when I thought of you and him, together. I realised I still had feelings for you, and I had to tell you right away. So I got one of my men to go looking for you two. He found you in a carriage beside the lake, shagging each other's brains out. You can imagine how I felt then, but instead of hating you, it only served to make me want you more! And kill Lancelot, but I'll sort that out later'. He ran his hand through her long dark curls. 'It's you I've wanted all along' he told her. 'Not Eris'.

'I know' Gwen smiled. 'Camilla told me. She reads minds, remember? I talked to her at the Ball, when I was all still worked up about you dumping me to escort Eris, and she told me I don't have anything to worry about'.

'She can read minds?' Arthur said, frowning. 'But that's witchcraft! Only hags and warlocks can read minds! I must tell Father! Things of that nature are forbidden in Come-a-Lot! I…'

But he didn't get to finish his sentence because Gwen threw herself on him, kissing him passionately, making him forget all about dobbing on Camilla Everhart.

Gaius slipped into Merlin's chambers, and tiptoed to the door of the bathroom. He knew the boy had just finished his morning's chores and was having his customary bath to clean off the filth of the stables. Peering around the doorjamb, the old perve couldn't believe his luck. Merlin was standing before the mirror, straight-razor in hand, having a shave! Here's my chance, he thought. Waiting until the blade was safely in the sink (he needed a drop of Merlin's blood, not a bucket), he made his presence known.

'Let me do that' he said to the young warlock. 'You're forever cutting yourself, and I was once one of the best barbers in this county and the next'.

'Oh' Merlin said, 'Well… Okay'.

Gaius took up the straight razor and stood behind Merlin, a little too close for the younger man's liking, but since he had the sink in front of him, couldn't move away.

'Uh… Gaius?' He asked, as his mentor swished the blade in the sink, 'You couldn't possibly… err… put down your wand while you're doing that, could you? It's sticking into me'.

'Sorry about that' Gaius mumbled, and took a hasty step back. 'Is that better?'

'Much'.

'I see you've cut yourself already'. Gaius slipped a hand into his pocket and withdrew a piece of blotting paper, which he used to remove a spot of Merlin's blood from his cheek, then put back into his pocket before Merlin could realise what happened. 'Really, Merlin, you've been shaving for how long? You should have it down by now'.

'I know, but you try to shave this face! It's like trying to ski the Andes' grumbled Merlin.

'Be thankful you're young and you can still see your cheekbones' Gaius told him. 'When you get old, your skin sags, and you get double chins, and shaving becomes so hard, sometimes you think why bother, but then if you don't, you tend to look like you've got a scrotum growing out of your chin…'

'Ew, Gaius' Merlin laughed, 'Gross'.

Gaius finished shaving Merlin's face and tossed the razor in the sink. Turning, he took up the towel around the boy's shoulders and patted his cheeks dry. 'There. Perfect' he said, trying not to let his lecherous eyes slide down Merlin's chest to his… Gaius gave himself a mental slap and left the room quickly, before Merlin could see how flushed his cheeks were, or how the front of his robes were protruding strangely, and not wand-like, at all! 'Thanks, Gaius' said Merlin, smiling, as he walked over to his bed, where he'd left his clothes. Gaius was standing at the bookshelf, pretending to look at Merlin's books, but what he was really trying to do was think about un-sexy things, like washing dishes, or mucking out stables, in order to relieve his current, err, situation. He thought he finally had the problem sorted when he turned and saw Merlin bending over to fetch his underwear from the floor…

'I – I have to go now' Gaius stammered, nervously. 'I have p-potions to uh… err… make'

'But you just got here' Merlin said, looking confused. He slid his Bonds Comfy Undies up his skinny legs and under the towel around his waist. Gaius moaned audibly and raced from the room, leaving the young warlock scratching his head and wondering what on earth that was all about!

Eris made a face as she and Camilla entered the Drunken Sailor, a favourite pub of the downtrodden and disenfranchised in Come-a-lot. Fortunately no knights frequented the place, nor dignitaries, so it was the perfect meeting spot for those plotting against the king. Alfie ordered a Guinness on tap and Camilla a Fluffy Duck while their mistresses found a table in the corner, and began speaking in earnest whispers. 'I wonder what they're plotting' Camilla said, in a low voice, as the two servants gathered their drinks and headed for a nearby table. 'My Lady has been trying to drive Uther insane for a couple of days now and nothing's worked. I don't imagine starting a war will do the trick'.

'Oh, my Lady's far smarter than that' Alfie bragged. 'She won't just be starting a war; she'll be out for total anarchy. Which is where your Lady should come in. Being the Goddess of Chaos, and all that'.

'Yes, well, my Lady is good at stirring the pot' conceded Camilla. 'You know, one time, she didn't like the way Apollo was bossing around the demi-gods, so she turned him into a lame ass, just for the fun of it'.

'That's nothing' Alfie mocked. 'My Lady got so mad with her sister, she drowned her, and now her sister's ghost haunts the lake where she died, and she can't leave. How's that for nasty? Her own sister'.

'You seem quite impressed' Camilla pointed out. 'By the way, who does your eyeliner? It's totally the wrong colour for you'.

'I told My Lady that, but she wanted me to wear something other than black' Alfie grumbled. 'So charcoal grey was as close as I could get'.

'I could do your make-up for you' Camilla offered. 'I'm quite good at that. What foundation do you use?'

'Oh, Max Factor, of course… It's the make-up of make-up artists…'

'Oh', Camilla giggled, 'Don't believe everything you hear'

'Camilla! Get over here' Eris barked, interrupting their conversation.

'And you too, Alfie'

The two servants grabbed their drinks and headed over to their superiors in the corner.

'You two' Mab said, casting a critical eye over both, 'Can do a job for me'.

'But I'm not…' Camilla started to say, but a glare from Eris cut her short. 'Okay'.

'Come here. Sit down. Here is what I want you to do…'

Next on Misadventures of Merlin…

Mab puts her nefarious plan into action,

Gaius puts his nefarious plan into action,

And Merlin has a not-so-secret admirer!