Episode 4 – Love Potion Number 9

'Damn' Merlin thought. 'That didn't work'.

He was busy trying to come up with a spell to calm the savage beast. The last dragon, Kilgaro, Uther's prisoner underneath the castle for the past twenty years, was getting antsy. And also, rather rambunctious, which on a dragon; is neither fun nor safe. He wanted out, but Merlin couldn't guarantee his freedom just yet. Besides, he was damn handy in a bind. He knew things about Merlin's destiny that no one else knew, and so the young warlock couldn't bring himself to do the deed. Music hadn't worked to calm Kilgaro down, so the next best thing was a sleeping draught, of some sort. But none of Gaius's books seemed to have anything helpful in them.

Until he found a small brown, leather bound book sitting on Gaius's bedside table. Flicking through the pages, he found the spell he wanted almost immediately, but after he finished copying it to a piece of parchment, a light breeze blew in through the window, and sent Gaius's bookmark flying across the room.

'Bother!' Merlin hissed, as the pages flipped over and he couldn't find the spell Gaius had been reading. He thought he had seen the word "Enchantment" in the title though, and when he found the right page, put the bookmark back in. He'll never know, Merlin thought to himself, slipping the book back from whence it came. Now, to go and sooth the savage beast! I hope!

Uther had just seen his third villager of the day when that hell-bitch Mab walked in like she owned the place, throwing his knights around the room with a wave of her hand.

'Off with her head!' he screamed to his royal henchmen, but they didn't move a muscle.

'Oh, I've paralysed them' Mab explained. 'Couldn't have them throwing me in the dungeon, now, could I?'

'You're not supposed to be here. You're a… you're a… a…'

'Go on and say it, old man! I'm a witch! And I'm ten times more powerful than anything you've got stashed around here, let me just get that straight! But I haven't come to put a spell on you, or a curse, or anything like that. Oh – by the way, I see the Leprosy curse worked a treat. Not'. She chuckled to herself. 'Old Maggie's quite the card, but she's totally lost the plot as far as magic's concerned. The old crone couldn't turn water into wine, these days'.

'What do you know of that old crone who visited me the other day? Were you behind that?' Uther asked, his voice reaching an irritatingly high pitch.

'Of course not. When I want to curse someone, I bloody well curse them! I don't send someone else to do my dirty work for me!'

'So who was it?'

'How the hell should I know? Face it, old man; you've got more enemies than you can shake a stick at! Someone's out to get you – and that's why I'm here'.

Uther glared at her. 'You've come to gloat, I suppose?'

'No. Actually, I've come to help you'.

'I'll believe that when I see it. Actually – I won't believe that. Ever. You're from the old ways. The old ways are wicked, and evil. How am I supposed to believe you're on my side, when I seek to destroy you and all you stand for?'

'You do have a point, but hear me out. I have come to warn you that your city is under attack. Your ward, Morgana, has been kidnapped. If you don't believe me, go check her chambers'.

'And how do I know you're not behind all this?' roared Uther. 'If you touch a hair on her head…'

'I won't, because I don't have her' Mab said, calmly. 'But I hear the Druids are responsible for the kidnapping, and they won't hand her back until you've restored magic to the kingdom – or relinquished the throne. If you don't, they will kill her, and war will be upon you'.

Uther's eyes flashed, angrily. 'Don't you dare threaten me, Witch! Men, seize her!'

The king's faithful knights moved to grab Queen Mab, but she threw them off again just as easily as she had when she'd first walked in. They fell about on the floor, one of them gasping in agony as his shoulder crunched sickeningly inside his armour.

'I told you I am more powerful than anyone or anything you've got going around here' Mab reminded him. 'You'd do well to remember that'.

Uther sighed. 'And why am I to believe that you actually want to help? You've given me nothing but trouble over the years'.

'It's not you I want to help. It's Morgana. She's my niece, remember? By marriage, but whatever. She's in trouble and I truly believe the Druids are serious this time. They will kill her if you don't change the law or stand down. The way I see it, you've got no other choice'.

'I'll send my men into the woods to flush out the filthy sorcerers' Uther spat, 'And rescue Morgana! What do you say to that?'

'I say you'd be crazy' Mab replied. 'The Druids have a magic shield over their area of the forest. No weapon forged can pierce it. They'll see you coming from a mile away, and they'll kill Morgana right in front of your eyes! Is that what you want?'

'No… No' Uther croaked, sounding defeated. 'Let me think on this'.

'Well, don't take too long' Mab advised. 'You have a deadline – midnight. If the laws against magic in this land are not abolished by then, Morgana's body will be delivered to your doorstep, and all hell will break loose. And if I know the Druids; that is not something you want to have happen'.

Uther stared at the tall blonde woman who dared to challenge him in his own throne room and, seeing that he couldn't do anything to her, at least not right in front of her face, sighed in resignation. 'Give me some time, woman. Clearly I have to come up with a plan to defeat the Druids. This kingdom will play host to magic over my dead body'.

'Well… It may well be over your dead body' Mab told him. 'And I promise you, I won't come to your aid. I'll save Morgana if I can, but you… Come-a-lot would be better off without you'.

The second she'd said those words, the heavy double doors burst open, and a young man with wavy dark hair and very strange, off-putting clothes ran in, panting.

'Giles!' he called, looking straight at Uther. 'You've got to come and help Buffy!'

Mab rolled her large blue eyes, and turned on the intruder. 'You've got the wrong sound stage, buster! And by the way, what are you, in a time warp? Buffy's been over for years, and you're still wearing that god-awful Hawaiian shirt'.

'Seize him' Uther roared. 'He's in consort with a witch! Two witches!'

His henchmen, still under Mab's trance, didn't move an inch. 'Oh bloody hell' Uther groaned. 'Will you take that spell or trance or whatever you've done, off them?'

'Sorry, no can do' said Mab, inspecting her fingernails, which were more like talons. 'It'll wear off, eventually'. To Xander Harris she said, 'I'd get out of here, if I were you. He's not a humble librarian, these days'.

Xander almost fell over his own feet trying to leave the room, but finally the doors of the throne room closed behind him.

'Well' Uther said, settling back down in his throne, 'That was weird'.

'Just remember what I said' Mab repeated, ominously. 'Morgana will die if you do not step down and allow your son to take the throne; or abolish the laws making magic punishable by death. It's your choice, Uther'. She turned and walked toward the doors as if she had all the time in the world, then swivelled back toward him, as if she'd forgotten something. 'You know, it might sound like a paradox, but you really were cooler when you were the fuddy-duddy librarian' she told him. 'At least then, you liked magic!'

'Get out of here, hag, before I have you drawn and quartered' yelled Uther, who obviously didn't like being reminded of his pagan past. 'And don't let the door hit your fat arse on the way out!'

'I just don't understand it' Eris complained. 'It's as if… none of my magic works in this place! Uther was supposed to go mad; he was supposed to be hideous, with awful pus-filled boils all over his face by mid-morning yesterday, and what's happened? Nothing, that's what! Yet Mab can fling people around like they're made of paper! What the hell's going on with me? I'm a God, and I'm as useless as… as…'

'A cock-flavoured lolly-pop?' suggested Camilla. 'Sorry – always wanted to use that one'.

'Worse' Eris sulked. 'A booger-flavoured lolly-pop. Or some other flavour no one wants, like ginger, or aniseed'.

'Cheer up; Boss' Camilla said, putting a hand on the goddess's shoulder. 'At least you have your looks. Mab doesn't even have that'.

'That's true enough' Eris conceded. 'She's really let herself go to seed, hasn't she? I suppose she can just do a glamour and look like Michelle Pfeiffer whenever she feels like it, though. You'd think she would, with that face. I've seen better heads on a mug of beer'. She sighed. 'Nope – not even plain old bitchiness is making me feel better today! I think I'll go look for Arthur. Maybe he can make me feel better'.

'I bet he will' grinned Camilla; then remembered something just as her boss was leaving the room. 'Oh! Um; Eris? Your Excellence? Your Wondrous, Guiding Light? I forgot to tell you…'

She stared down the vacant hallway. Eris was nowhere to be seen. Oh shit, Camilla thought. I better warn Gwen and Arthur!

The Goddess's tiny, pixie-like beautician didn't have any particular magic gifts, other than to give and to take away beauty, so she couldn't just click her fingers and be wherever Gwen and Arthur were. She had to actually go look for them. 'Great' she grumbled. 'Please don't be doing anything gross when I get there. Please? I'm only young. I don't need that kind of image burnt onto my retina for all eternity'.

'Who are you talking to?'

Camilla spun around to see Merlin coming out of the first floor bathroom. 'Oh, hi' she said, feeling awkward. After all, she had dumped him the night of the Ball. He was all kinds of cute, but she could never date a man who danced like a retarded giraffe.

'Hi'.

'You don't… know where Gwen and Arthur are, by any chance, do you?'

'No. Why?'

'Oh… nothing. Forget it. Look – I hope you don't hold what I said the other night against me. I'm just… not looking for anything long term…'

Merlin smiled, and for a second there Camilla almost changed her mind about him. It was those dimples. They could really do a girl's head in! But she caught herself just in time. 'No, of course I don't' he said. 'I had a good time; I hope you had a good time. That's all there was to it, wasn't there?'

'Oh, yes, absolutely' said Camilla, relieved. 'If you see Gwen and Arthur, please warn them Eris is looking for Arthur. And I don't think she knows about them yet, so it's going to come as somewhat of a surprise'.

Merlin rolled his large blue eyes toward the ceiling. 'Well, that's just typical of Arthur! I suppose he expected you to tell her she's dumped? Or me? Yes, that sounds like him! Make the man-servant do the dirty work…'

'I've got to go' said Camilla, amused. 'I have to find them before she does'.

'I'll come with' Merlin offered. 'You might need backup'.

Gaius carried a small bottle of the mixture he'd been working on for the past few weeks down the hall under his robes, so none of the king's guards would see it and guess – rightly – that it was a magic potion, not a perfectly legal healing draught or tincture. That would be disastrous. He had waited a long time to work this kind of magic, too long to let certain death stand in the way!

Knocking on a door in the village, he waited until a smallish man answered the door, wearing what looked like a nappy.

'What?' the giant man-baby spat, when he saw the way Gaius was staring at him. ''Aven't you ever seen a bloke wearin' a nappy, before?'

'Actually, I can't say that I have' Gaius replied, trying not to laugh. 'But whatever floats your boat, as they say'.

'Are you suggestin' that I wear this for some kind of role-playin' thing wiv me Missus? 'Cause I'll tell you…' he seemed to stop and think for a second or two; then grinned. 'You're absolutely right. But it's not my kink, you understand; it's 'ers. I wanted to see her with another woman, but oh no…'

'Um… Pardon me for interrupting, but are you Cupid, the town's premier archer? I'm looking for someone who's an expert with a bow and arrow. This has to look like an accident' Gaius said quickly, before he could hear another word about the strange little man's sex life. And people think I have odd predilections, he thought. At least I don't get off on dressing like an infant!

'Oh, so this is business' said Cupid, looking relieved. 'Thank Christ for that'. Over his shoulder he yelled, 'Eh, Bu'ercup, I'll be back in a tic, right? Got some work to do'. Throwing a cloak over his shoulders, he motioned for Gaius to follow him. 'Down the back' he said. 'We'll be safer discussin' this in me office'.

Uther had gathered his knights at the Kind of Round but Slightly Oblong Table in the conference room, all but Arthur, whom no one seemed to be able to find. Oh well, he thought, I'll have to get Galahad or one of the others to hunt him down after. This is simply too important to leave until Master Pendragon has finished polishing his sword, or whatever the heck he's been doing all morning! He faced his loyal protectors with a grim expression. 'War has come to our great kingdom' he began. 'The Druids have kidnapped my dear ward, Morgana, and they're threatening to kill her if I don't meet their demands'.

'So, meet their demands' said Galahad, who looked pained to hear of Morgana's absence. 'What's so hard about that?'

'What's hard about that, you dolt, is that the Druids are asking me to either stand down as king or abolish the death penalty for magic! And I utterly refuse to do either'.

'You're so stubborn!' cried Galahad. 'You're willing to risk her life for your unreasonable prejudices! It's ridiculous, that's what it is, and I won't let you do it!'

'And what exactly do you think you can do to me?' Uther said, narrowing his cold grey eyes. 'Kill me? Your fellow knights would drop you before you could draw your sword'.

'Actually, Sire…' Lancelot put up his hand. 'I wouldn't. He's a mate'.

'You're supposed to be loyal to myself and Arthur alone!' Uther roared. 'I want you out of this castle, and out of Come-a-lot, Traitor! And might I suggest you be quick about it; before I decide to have you executed for treason'.

Lancelot jumped as if someone had shoved a red hot poker up his arse, and ran for the doors as quickly as he could, armour and chain mail be damned!

'Hey that's not fair, Sire' said Pellinor, whose face was pale despite being the colour of chocolate. 'Making him choose between a good friend and his allegiance to the throne'.

'Silence' said Uther, in a voice no one dared argue with. 'Now. We must address this very real threat to our kingdom. I want four of you to go into the woods with Arthur and hunt down these so-called Druids. The other half I want to stay here and get the rest of the townspeople prepared for battle. They may come at us with magic; I want us to fight back like men. Hit them, and hit them hard, before they can utter a single enchantment or incantation'.

'That's it then' said Gawain, in a low voice. 'We're as good as dead'.

'I know' sighed Galahad. 'And so is Morgana'.

'My Lady'.

'Who are you?' The beautiful ward of the King was lying on a stained mattress in one of the many dungeons underneath the castle. Stupid Uther, thought Alfie, if he had a brain in his head he'd realise she was right here under his own roof, instead of out in the woods where she was supposed to be. But Uther was not a man to whom rational thinking came easy. If she'd left the building, one of his sentries, knights, henchmen or other hired goons would have known about it. Hell, they had to open the gates, in order for her to leave, or be carried out, didn't they? Fools!

'My name's Alfric' he told her. 'Wow, you really are a regulation hottie. Mab said you'd be pretty, but jeez…'

'Thank you' said Morgana, sitting up. 'Where am I?'

'You're underneath the castle' he told her. 'Oh don't worry – no one's going to hurt you. You're part of a plot that's going to bring magic back to Come-a-lot. You want that, don't you? I mean, I heard the Druids say you've got magic in you'.

'What do you know of the Druids? Have you seen Mordred? Can you get a message to him?'

Alfric shrugged. 'Don't know no Mordred. All I know is, my Lady wants me to keep you down here until we get what we want. The Druids, the Wicca – all the magic people in the village want Uther gone. And this is the best way to do it'.

'How do I come into it?' Morgana asked, frowning. 'I don't get it'.

'Uther thinks you've been kidnapped by the Druids. He thinks they'll kill you if he doesn't change the laws that keep magic from the kingdom; or stand down. Either one will suffice'.

'Uther will never do that. He might stand down, but only on his death bed! He doesn't think Arthur is ready to rule yet! And as for letting magic back in…' Morgana shook his head, 'No – I'm afraid he'd sooner see my dead body on his doorstep than have that. As much as he cares for me, he hates magic more'.

'Why? That's stupid' Alfric said, a sneer on his face. 'It doesn't make any sense'.

'Magic killed his beloved wife, Ygraine, in childbirth', Morgana explained. 'A life for a life, you understand. She could not have children, so Nimueh gave him a son. But the rules of magic meant that…'

'The balance must be kept, I know. I'm pretty well-versed in magic lore. I'm a fairy, in case you didn't know. I work for Queen Mab'.

'Queen Mab! Now I understand' Morgana gasped. 'Uther hates her! He won't let anyone mention her name within the castle walls! To do so is treason, and you know what the punishment is for treason…'

'I know, I know, you lose your head' Alfric rolled his dark eyes. 'I'm well aware of that. Uther's bloodlust is famous, or rather, infamous, where I come from'.

'So you know this isn't going to work' Morgana told him. 'Please tell Mab to back off, and let me go! This isn't going to get you what you want. If anything, my death will bring war on your lands. I'm sure you don't want that'.

'Sorry… Can't do that, I'm afraid' Alfric said. 'My dark mistress, my black goddess… she won't stop until magic is restored to Come-a-lot and its surrounds. You, my dear, I hate to say, are a means to an end'.

Morgana slumped on the mattress. 'So' she said, in a flat tone, 'If I'm to die, Alfred, or whatever your name is, can I at least get something to eat? I'm starving'.

'Certainly' said Alfric. 'And it's Alfric. But I prefer Alfie. What does her Highness request?'

'Oh sod off with the royal talk, I'm sick of it' said Morgana. 'A ham sandwich will do'.

Alfie clicked his fingers, and before Morgana's eyes, abracadabra'd up a ham sandwich on a silver plate. He leaned over and handed it to her, watching in amusement as she wolfed it down. 'Steady on, Princess' he said, 'You wouldn't want to choke'.

'Actually' said Morgana, with her mouth full, 'I don't much care if I do'.

Arthur rolled off Gwen and grinned as she giggled and tried to uncurl her toes. 'That was brilliant' she told him. 'Better than the first five times, even'.

'I'm glad you're satisfied with my performance' he said. 'However, I think it might be time to get up and join the rest of the world'.

'Oh, do we have to?' Gwen asked, turning on her side and running a hand over his manly chest. 'I could stay here forever'.

'I know, my love – so could I' Arthur replied, kissing her forehead. 'But as prince and future king of Come-a-lot, I have responsibilities'.

'I know, I know' Gwen sighed. 'But don't you ever get a day off?'

'Every second Sunday of the month, usually. Unless there's a war; or some other emergency'.

'And with Uther as King, there's always a war going on' Gwen groaned. 'Seriously, does the man actually have any friends left?'

'Now, come on! You can't expect me to trash-talk my old man behind his back' Arthur laughed, and Gwen, narrowing her eyes, dug a finger into his ribcage, making him collapse onto the mattress, helpless with laughter. 'Oh, don't! Don't, I hate being tickled'.

'I know. And you know you trash-talk your old man all the time!' Gwen chuckled. 'Go on, off with you! I have things to attend to, as well. Morgana's probably wondering where her loyal handmaiden is'.

'Morgana's a smart girl' Arthur said, grinning. 'She could probably guess where you are'.

Gwen blushed. 'I suppose so. I did tell her I was going to sort things out with you about Lancelot'. She pulled her petticoat up and laced the front, quickly.

'And from there to a marathon sex session is not exactly taking a great leap of logic' Arthur laughed, pulling her into an embrace that would make a Mills and Boon reader swoon. 'I'll see you later, Gorgeous'.

Gwen was barely out of his arms before the door swung open and Merlin, followed by Eris's handmaiden, Camilla, burst in. 'There you are!' Camilla sighed, relieved. 'I've been looking for you guys everywhere!'

'Why?' Arthur asked, puzzled. 'Has Father called a meeting, or something?'

'Well… Yeah' said Merlin, 'But that's not why we're here. You missed the meeting – it was an hour ago. We've come to tell you that Eris is looking for you, Arthur. She thought you'd be in your room, but since she doesn't know you two are together, she hasn't checked here yet… and on that…' he added, 'It was awfully nice of you to let the poor girl know she's dumped before you moved onto Gwen, here'.

'Oh, crap' said Arthur, slapping himself upside the head. 'I forgot all about Eris'.

'You forgot about me?'

Everyone turned toward the door, and Arthur turned six shades of pale. Eris did not look impressed. Especially not when her lavender eyes took in his state of undress (he was wearing his Jockey shorts and a big grin) and Gwen's coy smile!

'You… forgot…about… me'. She repeated. 'That's great. That's just bloody great!

Everyone, have a ball, do what you like, and forget all about little old me! I'll be all right! After all, I'm a God, aren't I?'

'Uh… well… Yeah' said Arthur, looking confused. 'What's your point?'

'My point is, I was summoned here by you, Arthur Pendragon, in order to do a job. Sure, I'm having a little trouble with that job, but does that mean I need to be kicked to the curb the moment something better comes along?' She eyed Gwen, suspiciously. 'Okay, it wasn't meant to be a major relationship; or anything like that, but the least you could have done was let me know you're keen on someone else! Here I am, running around like a chook with its head cut off, looking for a booty call, and you're already spoken for!'

'Oh' said Arthur, red-faced. 'Sorry 'bout that'.

'No matter' said Eris. She spotted Merlin standing by the window and a sly smile appeared on her face. 'It's been fun, Arthur, but I need my space! You' she pointed at Merlin, 'Come here'.

'Uh… Er… Me?' Merlin asked, looking flustered. 'Are you talking to me?'

'Yes, I'm talking to you. Have you got some little floozy tucked away in your chambers? 'Cause I want to know before I waste my time…'

'Well… uh… no, but…'

'Merlin's got chores to do' said Arthur. 'Haven't you, Merlin?'

'Actually… so have you', Merlin informed him. 'Your father wants you to hunt down the Druids in the woods. They've kidnapped Morgana, and…'

Gwen gasped in horror. 'Morgana's been kidnapped? When did this happen?'

'Sometime between your first and third roll in the sack, I'd expect' Eris snapped. 'It happened this morning. I was the one who discovered her missing'.

Arthur grabbed his undershirts off the hook on the wall. 'Enough said. Merlin, get my armour ready! And get some chain mail for yourself, while you're at it. You're coming with me'.

'But why?' Merlin asked, glancing back at Eris, wistfully. 'You don't need me to help you'.

Arthur smirked. 'It's a little less about helping me and a little more about helping you not get yourself into a world of hurt! Have you ever had… ahem… relations with a God?'

'He's right, you know' Eris admitted, sheepishly. 'The word is Stamina'.

'She'd ride you into the ground, my friend' Arthur grinned. 'You're safer coming with me'.

No sooner as had he said the words, than an arrow soared through the window, heading straight for Merlin! Arthur saw it first, and in a split second, threw himself in front of his loyal manservant.

'No!' shrieked Gwen, as the arrow pierced Arthur's right shoulder. He collapsed against her, and with the help of a shell-shocked Merlin, she laid him on the bed. 'Go get Gaius' Gwen ordered Merlin. 'I'll look after him'.

Merlin nodded and took off, Camilla close behind him. Back in Arthur's chambers, Eris leaned over the prince, a strange look on her face. 'I've seen these arrows before' she said, finally. 'See the quiver? It's painted red'.

'What's that supposed to mean?' asked Gwen, who'd grabbed a washcloth from Arthur's bathroom and was mopping his forehead. 'Who do you think it belongs to? Who could be trying to shoot the prince?'

'I don't think he was aiming for Arthur, whoever he was' Eris said, distractedly. 'I rather think Merlin was his target'.

'Merlin? Who would want to shoot Merlin?'

'That's a good question' Eris replied. 'I have no idea. He's just a servant, after all'.

'Man-servant' Gwen reminded her. 'And he's the best there is'.

'Ooh' said Eris, with a sly grin. 'Do I detect a soft spot for the prince's dogsbody?'

'No!' said Gwen, hotly. 'I mean, I did have a thing for him when he first came here, but then Arthur flashed his pearly whites at me, and I was as good as gone'. She leaned over her man and kissed his feverish brow. 'Will he be okay?'

'Of course he will' said Eris. 'Might have a bit of nerve damage from where the arrow's landed in his shoulder, but it shouldn't keep him from being able to wield his sword'.

'Oh, good' said Gwen, relieved. 'Because I wouldn't want him to be unable to wield his sword'.

'Not that sword, you nympho' Eris chortled. 'His actual sword. Excalibur?'

'That's the sword I was talking about' said Gwen, defensively.

'Yeah, right' scoffed Eris. 'Oh… Here's Gaius. Stand back and cover your ears'.

'Why?'

'Because he's got to take the arrow out, that's why! Do you think he's going to leave it in there?'

'Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger… and bugger it all!' cursed Gaius, as he headed back to his dungeon. Thankfully Merlin had decided not to join him, but had stayed around to help look after his boss, who, when injured was a harder taskmaster than when he was at full strength! The rest of the knights were fulfilling their sacred duty to the king, and Arthur was impatient to go and help despite his current invalid status. Gaius was careful to dispose of the arrow quickly, the moment he'd pulled it from Arthur's flesh, as he didn't want the Goddess Eris to see the strange colour of the arrow's tip. It was of course, dipped in the potion he'd been concocting for the past two weeks. The potion that had been meant for Merlin!

Cupid was waiting for Gaius in the dungeon. 'So… 'ow's the prince?'

'Fine, no thanks to you' grumbled Gaius. 'I thought you were supposed to be an expert marksman?'

'I am! But I can't help it if the prince decides to be an 'ero, can I? Had a clear shot on me target, too, 'til Pendragon got in the way'. The short balding man, who was still wearing the nappy underneath his cloak, squinted at Gaius in the dim light of the dungeon. 'Ere, what'd you want to shoot the skinny kid for, anyway? What's 'e ever done to you?'

'Nothing, nothing' said Gaius, quickly. 'It's a private matter'.

Cupid shrugged. 'Whatever. As long as you pay up, who cares, right? No real 'arm's been done'.

'Pay up? But you didn't even do the job I asked of you!'

''Ey, steady on! I lined up the shot; 'n' I took it! It ain't my fault if it 'it the wrong bloke! This is breach of contract, this is! I'll 'ave you in civil court'. Cupid's face was flushed and his voice was starting to carry. Thank God for the shagpile soundproofing, Gaius thought. The last thing I need is for someone to hear this imbecile cough up my plan!

'Okay, okay' he relented. 'I'll pay you. But only half of what I promised, since the job wasn't done to my satisfaction'.

'Two thirds' bartered Cupid.

'Fine' Gaius sighed, sifting through the bag of coins he'd prepared to pay the archer. 'Here. Two hundred pounds, right there in your greedy little fist! Does that suffice?'

'It most certainly does' Cupid beamed. 'Pleasure doing business wiv ya, Guv'.

'My name's not Guv, and it was most certainly not a pleasure' sniped Gaius. 'This whole mess has only proved one thing – that if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself'.

'What, you're gonna shoot the wing-nut wiv a crossbow? I'd like to see that' Cupid said, following it up with a big belly laugh that caused his robe to fall open.

'I couldn't do a worse job than what you did' Gaius replied, trying not to look. 'And he's not a wing-nut. He's got perfectly lovely ears'.

'Whatever you say, Doc' Cupid replied, winking knowingly. 'I'm gonna get me out of 'ere and go and buy a nice new fishing pole wiv this, before the Missus claps 'er peepers on it, 'n I never see it again! Smell ya la'er, Guv!'

Hideous man, thought Gaius with a shudder, the minute Cupid was out of earshot. I suppose I'd better go up and see what the damage is. Let's hope Arthur's not showing any symptoms of the potion, just yet – at least, not until I can prepare an antidote. Botherations! I was really looking forward to testing out the mind-controlling qualities of that one, too!

The old healer took up his medicine bag and turned the light off in the dungeon. 'Oh well' he said, to the empty room, with The Rack standing silent at one end, 'I suppose if I've waited this long; I can wait one more day'.

'How are you, Arthur?'

Merlin stood over his boss's sick bed, a box of the prince's favourite candies – liquorice allsorts – in his hand. 'I brought some of these along with you… I know they're your favourites'.

Arthur was sitting up by now, shirtless (as per Gaius's instructions) with a bandage wrapped around his injured shoulder and across his chest, like a bandolier. Merlin bit his lip. 'I can't tell you how much I appreciate your taking a bullet for me like that. Oh, I know it wasn't technically a bullet, but…'

'Oh stop your yammering, Merlin' said Arthur, good-naturedly. 'How many times have you saved my life, in the past? I was just returning the favour'.

'And like I said, I appreciate it'.

'Point taken. So – have they found Morgana yet?'

'Nope' said Merlin, frowning. 'There's no sign of the Druids in the forest, either! It's like they've upped stumps and just disappeared! Something's fishy about all this. It doesn't add up'.

'Oh well – whatever it is, I'm sure you'll sort it out. You're smart that way, Merlin' said Arthur, and Merlin stared down at his boss. 'Are you all right, my Lord?'

'Yeah, why?' asked Arthur, opening the box of Allsorts and holding it out to Merlin, who declined.

'I feel fine. Other than the nagging ache in my shoulder, that is. Why?'

'It's just that… You don't think I'm smart. You're always calling me an idiot' Merlin reminded him. 'I think this is the first time you've ever admitted I've got a brain'.

'Of course you've got a brain' Arthur said, looking up at Merlin with a curious expression on his face. Merlin couldn't quite put his finger on it. Was it…Could it be… respect?

'The trouble is, Merlin, I've been far too hard on you in the past. Putting you in the stocks for silly things like forgetting to clean up the dinner plates! Getting the villagers to throw rotten fruit at you – it's just so… so… mean'.

Merlin couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'I think I better go get Gaius' he said. 'You've probably got a fever. You sound delirious'.

'I'm fine, Merlin! If you don't believe me, check'. Arthur grabbed Merlin's hand, and put it against his forehead. 'See? Cool as a cucumber. I'm getting better, and Father says as soon as I can hold a sword in my right hand I can join the others in the hunt for Morgana! You can come too, if you like'.

Merlin's face practically shone with excitement. 'You mean, I can go riding with you and the knights of the Kind of Round but Slightly Oblong Table? That would be smashing!'

'It certainly would' said Arthur, beaming back up at him. 'Like going on a wilderness camp, or something'.

'Um… Yeah' said Merlin, still thinking Arthur sounded a little strange. 'I'll remember to pack the marshmallows'. He pulled his hand away from Arthur, who was holding it rather firmly now.

'You do that' said Arthur. 'And I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning, to saddle up the horses for the trip'.

Merlin frowned. 'You don't think they'll find Morgana before then?'

Arthur shrugged. 'Even if they do, I feel like heading outdoors, you know? Roughing it; being at one with the elements, with my faithful servant – sorry, man-servant - at my side! And you are a man, you know, Merlin! In fact, why don't you try growing a beard? Might make you look more rugged; dangerous. The girls love a man who looks rugged and dangerous'.

'They do?' Merlin asked, uncertain. 'I didn't know that'.

'They do' said Arthur, yawning.

'I better let you get some rest' said Merlin. 'We've got a long day tomorrow'.

'Bye, Merlin' Arthur said, sleepily. 'Sweet dreams. I'll see you tomorrow, early, with bells on…' and he was out like a light.

Well, thought Merlin; that was weird! He's never been so nice before!

Running into Gaius in the hallway, the old man nodded a greeting. 'So how is the prince?'

'He's just fallen asleep. Listen, Gaius… I wonder if you could give him something for his fever. He's not sounding like himself. He actually said I was smart, and that he wanted me to go camping with him! I think the wound might be infected, or something. Maybe he's delirious'.

'Now, my boy, let me do the diagnosing, and you can go study your spell book' said Gaius. 'I'll catch up with you at dinner'.

'Okay' said Merlin. 'Bye'.

'Bye' Gaius stepped into Arthur's chambers, and closed the door. Hopefully, if this antidote worked, Arthur wouldn't be under the thrall of the Mind Enchantment Spell for much longer, if at all. Gazing down at the prince, he considered waking him, and pretending the antidote was a preparation to ward off infection, when Arthur suddenly started talking in his sleep.

'Oh… oh Merlin' he murmured. 'Keep doing that… oh yeah…'

Gaius's mouth dropped open. 'Oh no' he said, aloud. 'What have I done?'

The potion wasn't supposed to be a love spell, and yet Arthur – the most manly, masculine and totally hetero bloke in the kingdom was having a hot dream about his manservant! It could only be magic… but how?

Gaius took the arrow head out of his pocket and stared down at it. He had a terrible feeling he was going to be up all night checking and rechecking the contents of that potion…

Next on the Misadventures of Merlin…

Arthur and Merlin go camping,

Gaius tries his hand at archery,

And Morgana faces off with Mab