Episode 5 – Don't Stand so Close to Me!

Gwen couldn't figure it out. All morning she'd been playing Florence Nightingale for Arthur, and he didn't seem to be taking the bait. Not even the mention of a sponge bath could raise his… ahem, interest! What was going on? Was he tired of her, already? Feeling rather at a loose end, since Morgana was still missing, Gwen left Arthur's side and went to try to find Merlin. Maybe he'd have an idea what was wrong with his master. She knew men weren't particularly big on discussing what's going on in their heads, but surely if there was a problem, he would have discussed it with the bloke he spent the most time around?

Gwen found Merlin sitting at a table in his chambers, reading a large book, which he quickly shoved under some papers when she walked in. You're kidding if you think I didn't see that, Gwen thought, but didn't say. Let him have his secrets. He's probably reading something naughty, like the Karma Sutra. Not that he really has anyone to practice on, now that Camilla's dumped him. Poor Merlin. Will he ever get himself a real girlfriend?

Just thinking about relationships reminded Gwen of her own problem, and she crossed the threshold into Merlin's room. 'Hi – I hope I'm not intruding. I just had to ask you something. Woman to man. About men. One particular man, actually... It's for a friend. She's worried about her boyfriend. He's acting all weird and aloof…'

Merlin grinned. 'You wouldn't be talking about Arthur, would you?'

Gwen pretended to be insulted. 'Of course not! This is my friend we're talking about…'

'Uh-huh. Right. Well… I don't know why you're asking me for love advice' Merlin said. 'If I knew anything about love, I'd be out there making it, instead of sitting here like a friendless dork, studying spe…special books'.

'Aha! I knew it! You're looking at porn, aren't you?' Gwen crowed, triumphantly. 'Really, Merlin… you don't have to be ashamed. All men do it from time to time…'

Merlin turned scarlet with embarrassment. 'Oh. I thought you wouldn't guess'.

'Can I see?' Gwen asked, coming further into the room.

'See what?'

'What book you're looking at? I want to see if it's the same one I caught Arthur with. Arabian Nights, I think it was called. Had some pretty graphic pictures inside. You wouldn't believe what Arthur wanted to try out…'

Merlin put his hands over his ears. 'Whoa! Way too much information'.

Gwen reached out for the book under the papers but Merlin got to it first, slamming his hand down on it, just barely missing her fingers. Gwen frowned at him. 'You didn't have to do that! Seriously, I won't laugh at you! I'm curious'.

'You won't like this stuff, seriously, Gwen' Merlin said, quickly. He had to keep her from opening his spell book at all costs. If she saw he was studying magic, it would be all over for him! Merlin trusted Gwen with his life, but one slip of the tongue around Arthur and he'd be thrown in the dungeons, a certain dead man walking. Arthur may not agree with the laws against magic, but while it was law, he was honour bound to ensure no one broke it. Plus what Daddy said, usually went.

Gwen crossed her arms over her chest. 'And why not? Honestly, Merlin, after seeing some of Arthur's kinks, I think I can handle anything you've got to throw at me'.

'Somehow I doubt that'.

'Now you're just making me more curious!'

'Gwen! Guinevere!'

Merlin sighed with relief on hearing Arthur's voice. 'His Nibs must be feeling better if he's up and out of bed' he said to Gwen. 'He's calling you. You better go see what he wants'.

'Isn't that your job?' Gwen replied, arching a brow.

Merlin grinned. 'I know what you're trying to do! You want me to leave the room so you can look at my book! Well it's not going to happen'.

Gwen sighed. 'Fine. Whatever. Be like that. Just know that you've piqued my curiosity, and once you've done that, you won't hear the end of it'. She gave him a knowing smile and turned toward the door.

'Animal husbandry' Merlin called out.

Gwen spun around. 'What?'

Merlin's face was deadpan. He shrugged. 'What can I say – I'm curious, too?'

'You're sick!' Gwen cried, disgusted. 'Ugh! I'm out of here'. With that she headed out the door as fast as her legs could take her, presumably to get away from the mad manservant, before he started showing her photos of farm animals bumping uglies.

Merlin leaned back in his chair and wiped his brow with his shirt cuff.

Phew! That was close!

Morgana had spent an uncomfortable night on the lumpy, stained mattress down in the dungeon and wasn't feeling particularly up to visitors. She ached for a long hot shower and her favourite silver brush for her lustrous black tresses, which probably weren't looking too lustrous right now. In fact, she'd spent the night worrying that she'd developed a tangle, and so had woken up every couple of hours to rake a hand through her hair, just in case!

Yawning from her night of broken sleep, Morgana thought she heard a noise at the top of the stairs, and sat up quickly, running a hand over her hair (again) and checking to make sure her bodice was still tied securely. The thought of that male faerie, Albert or whatever his name was, checking out her wares made her stomach churn. He was enough of a lech as it was!

But her visitor was not What's-His-Face. A tall woman with long, brassy, bottle-blonde hair and a chin to rival Brendan Fevola's stepped down from the landing and surveyed her prisoner's digs. 'Wow' she whistled. 'I heard this place was like Auschwitz but the brochures didn't do it justice'.

'I take it you're Queen Mab?' Morgana asked, in an icy voice. 'Your little servant told me you were ugly but his description didn't do you justice, either'.

'I beg your pardon?' screeched Mab. 'What did you say?'

'If you're thinking I'm going to suck up to you to try and get out of here you're mistaken' Morgana replied. 'I've pretty much given up on the idea of freedom. I'm not even sure how long I've been here, considering that this place doesn't have any windows to show the passing of time'.

'You've been down here exactly a day, now. You were kidnapped yesterday morning' Mab informed her, still looking indignant about being insulted – and by some floozy she barely knew. 'But I understand how time could pass more slowly here, being that there's absolutely nothing to do. Would you like some magazines?'

'Actually, yeah!' said Morgana, in a scornful voice. 'And a big screen TV so I can watch The Bold and the Beautiful! I'm getting awfully behind just being down here!'

'Oh don't be ridiculous' Mab scoffed, waving a hand dismissively. 'You could miss a year of daytime television and catch up in a single episode! Like, would you believe, Taylor's still being held hostage by that mad Iranian who planted the bomb at Spectra Fashions?'

Morgana yawned. 'I know how she feels, then! To be a pawn in someone else's game – at the mercy of their whim! Are you going to kill me, or what? Because I'm really getting a backache from lying on this crappy mattress'.

'In time, my dear' said Mab. 'Right now, you're more use to me alive than dead'.

'That's comforting' said Morgana. 'But how's the king supposed to know I'm still alive? Why don't you let me send him a message, begging him to consider your terms? It might work'.

'And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his arse when he hopped' said Mab, dryly. 'Nice try, dear, but I doubt it will work'.

'Why don't you let me try, at least?' begged Morgana. 'Come on… I'm so bored! At least it will give me something to do! And if you don't like what I've written, you can make me write it again'.

'Hm' said Mab, thoughtfully. 'That might just work. Not! No, I think I'll stick with my original plan. Sorry'. She turned and started to walk away, but was stopped when she heard the exhausted sobs of her prisoner. Turning around, she saw the girl kneeling on the hard, cold floor, her dark hair in oily clumps, mascara running down her cheeks in rivulets. For once in her charmed life, Morgana La Fey was a complete mess.

'Oh, all right' Mab said, crossly. 'I'll get some paper and a quill and you can write to your heart's content. Won't promise you anyone will read your letter, but at least it will keep you quiet, for the time being'.

'Oh thank you, thank you'. Morgana walked on her knees over to the queen of the faeries and threw her arms around the older woman's legs, putting her off balance. Mab found herself falling backward, down, down, until the back of her scone hit the stone floor and she saw pretty little birdies flying around her head. The edges of her vision blurred. Oh no, she thought. That little bitch… she meant to do that! She planned it all along! I must stop her… I must….

But before she could raise a hand to freeze Morgana where she stood (or rather, ran, because she was at present taking the stairs two at a time), Mab lost consciousness.

Arthur led his troops up the hill into the woods, his bad arm strapped into a sling, and as he reached the crest of the first rise, turned and waved his good arm and whistled. 'Come on, you jumped-up dung beetles! We don't have all morning!'

'Actually, we do' grumbled Gawain to Galahad. 'The Lady Morgana's been missing for over twenty-four hours, now. The local constabulary says that the odds of her being found alive after that time are considerably worse…'

Arthur glared at his taller, bulkier cousin. 'And the local po-lice are usually right, are they? What do they know about Druids?'

'Okay, okay' sighed Gawain. 'Jeez, touchy!'

'My adopted sister's missing' Arthur pointed out. 'Regardless of the fact that she was a terrible dobber as a child, and was always trying to get me into trouble for the slightest thing, I don't want anything to happen to her'.

'Neither do I' said Galahad, wistfully. 'We were supposed to go on our first date last night'.

'I thought the Ball was your first date?' Lancelot asked. 'Great waste of time that turned out'.

'Yeah, for you, maybe' Gawain chuckled. 'I however, managed to get the number of this cute little blonde bird. She was looking rather freaked out, so I bought her a drink, and the rest is history'.

Merlin gasped, insulted. 'So you're what happened to Camilla! She went missing after our dance, and was gone for like, an hour, then came back and dumped my arse! It was most humiliating'.

'Maybe if you'd learn to dance properly, you wouldn't scare the lassies off so much' laughed Gawain. 'She told me it was like watching a giraffe have a grand mal seizure'.

Merlin pouted, and Arthur's heart went out to him. 'Oh, leave him alone, Gawain' their fearless leader said. 'He can't help being a total mong when it comes to the ladies. After all, he's only had Gaius to show him how to behave'.

'Oh yeah' Gawain nodded. 'That's right'. Remembering something from his recent (and hastily buried) past, he shuddered. 'He might be a great healer, Gaius, but when it comes to the womenfolk, he knows about as much as a prefect from an all-boy's school'.

Arthur laughed. 'You've got a point'. To Merlin he said, with a conspiratorial wink, 'We'll turn the boy into a man, won't we, fellas?'

'Righto' said Lancelot. 'I'll teach him how to handle a sword. Girls love a man who can defend himself'.

'And I'll teach him the manly art of wenching' said Galahad, grinning. 'Spout a few lines from my buddy, Will Shakespeare, and the ladies go gaga'.

'Nah, forget that' Arthur said, waving a hand, dismissively. 'The key thing here is; knowing how to kiss. If you can turn a girl's knees to jelly with a touch of your lips, the rest is easy'.

Merlin looked pained. 'And how do you suppose you're going to teach me that?'

Arthur shrugged. 'I haven't figured out that part yet. Give me time. Right now, we've got to look for the Druids' camp. Boy, I hope they haven't put an invisibility shield up. It will make the going that much harder…'

Merlin made sure he fell to the back of the group of horses and cast a glance on the clearing ahead. Suddenly, his eyes glowed yellow, and he whispered a chant he'd practiced the night before. If the Druids were hiding their presence in the forest, his little spell should find them!

But there was nothing but more trees, ferns, fallen logs and shrubbery in front of them, and in the middle, a well-worn track. 'Let's go down there' Arthur said, pointing. 'It looks like it leads somewhere, at least'.

Morgana, meanwhile, was tiptoeing around the catacombs underneath the castle, looking for a way out. 'Blast those damn architects' she muttered. 'Had to get all fancy, didn't they? Why couldn't they just dig a tunnel, and stick a big fat sign saying "This way out" on the wall? Really'.

The dim hallway seemed to get narrower and narrower as she went along, until she came to an archway. Morgana stared this way, then that. 'My kingdom for a White Rabbit to come and show me the way' she said, her voice bouncing off the stone walls. 'Even one of those annoying double-headed sentries in that movie, Labyrinth would be something'.

She sighed and sank to her knees. 'Oh… I'm so tired, and thirsty, and hungry…'

Suddenly she heard a booming voice. 'Merlin! Meeeerlin'.

Morgana frowned. Who would be down here, looking for Arthur's servant? Oh – sorry, man-servant? She rolled her eyes. The day that boy's a man's the day I get this fricking chastity belt off! And we all know that'll never happen!

'Meeerlin'

'Who is that? Where are you?' Morgana stood up and headed in the direction of the voice.

'I'm over here…. To your left' the voice replied. Even though she hadn't seen a human face for several hours, Morgana wasn't sure she wanted to run into the owner of the voice. Something about it just felt… Hinky. And she usually trusted her own gut feelings.

Nevertheless, her curiosity was getting the better of her. Who, down in the bowels of the castle, would be calling for Merlin, of all people?

Turning the corner she found herself in a short passage, at the end of which was a large cavernous… well, cave. She picked up a stick and lit the end with one of the wall torches; then thrust the stick into the darkness.

'Arrgh! Watch where you're jabbing that thing!'

Morgana jumped and screeched as a large dragon flapped its wings in front of her. He'd seemed to come out of nowhere. The Lady's jaw dropped. 'So you're Kilgaro, the last dragon! Uther used to boast that he had you holed up down here somewhere, but I thought he was just big-noting himself'.

'No, unfortunately, he was telling the truth' said the dragon, settling himself down on a tall, thin ledge of rock and lowering his reptilian head to look at her more closely.

'And who might you be?'

'I'm the Lady Morgana' she told it. 'Queen Mab had me imprisoned down here, but I managed to escape'. She caught sight of the chain on the dragon's leg. 'Looks like you haven't gotten so lucky'.

'My dear, I haven't gotten lucky in forever and a day' the dragon sighed. 'Most of my kind are gone, and sometimes I wish Uther had just killed me along with them! I've been so lonely down here…'

'I don't want to hear about your sex life… or lack thereof' said Morgana. 'I just want out of here! I don't suppose you know the way'.

'Even if I did, it's not as if I could do anything about it, is there?' Kilgaro pointed out. 'The only thing I've got to look forward to is catching the occasional bat for a snack, and waiting for Merlin to come and feed me Kibble and dead chicken carcasses'.

'Ew' said Morgana, shuddering. 'Your diet is disgusting'.

'So is yours, I imagine' the dragon said, sounding insulted. 'Those macrobiotic diets you women live on! I don't know how someone could subsist on a couple of carrot sticks and a sprig of parsley'.

Morgana raised an eyebrow. 'Macrobiotics? That's so, like, last season! I'm on the Atkins Diet, at the moment. No carbs, just pure protein'.

'I've heard that gives you really bad breath' said the dragon. 'Don't stand too close to me, then'.

Morgana put a hand over her mouth and blew into it. 'I haven't got bad breath' she said, indignantly. 'You should talk! You're a dragon, for Christ's sake!'

'Whatever. The point is… Actually… I'm not entirely sure there is a point'. The dragon did one lap of his prison; then sat back up on his perch. 'Have you seen Merlin? He was supposed to feed me breakfast this morning, but that lazy git hasn't shown up'.

'Well, no' Morgana said, rolling her large green eyes. 'I've been imprisoned down here, like you, remember? And Merlin's not behind that. As a matter of fact, I'd lay bets that Arthur's got everyone out looking for me, as I speak – Merlin included'.

'Terrific' Kilgaro spat. 'Nothing but bats to look forward to, for the time being; at least'.

Morgana narrowed her eyes, thoughtfully. 'But if someone released you, you could go and eat whoever you like – I mean, seek revenge on those who had you imprisoned for so long, right? People like Uther, for instance'.

The dragon's head retracted in surprise. 'I thought you were Uther's ward. Surely you wouldn't want any harm to come to him'.

'I couldn't care less, personally' said Morgana. 'He stood by while my father died, and he's been a tyrant ever since. It wouldn't be a terrible tragedy if something… happened to him'.

'Oh! Well, that's interesting' Kilgaro murmured. 'Very interesting, indeed!'

'How about this' Morgana said, suddenly. 'If I can find a spell to release you, you can get your revenge on Uther. You'd really be helping us out. Arthur and I, I mean. We've been conspiring against the old boy since we were teenagers, and he wouldn't let us go to Rave at The Cave'.

'Yes… the king certainly doesn't play well with others, does he?' the dragon said, seeming to consider her offer. 'All right! Merlin's been promising to set me free forever, but it seems I'm more use to the little scab in chains! If you can come up with a way to set me free, I promise you, I'll rid Come-a-lot of Uther Pendragon, forever'.

Morgana smiled, evilly. 'Sounds like we have an accord'.

'Shall we shake on it?' the dragon asked.

Morgana stared at him. 'But you don't have any arms' she said; then realised what he was getting at. 'Oh, gross! I think I'll pass'.

'Damn' said Kilgaro. 'I thought I was in, there'.

The knights had been riding for most of the morning when Arthur groaned and stopped them with a single command. 'I think it's time we set up camp and had some lunch' he suggested. 'I brought the Fully Loaded cans – anyone think to bring a can opener?'

'I did' said Merlin, pulling his Swiss Army Knife out of his jacket pocket. 'We'll need a fire, though'.

'I'll organise the fire' Lancelot offered.

'I'll set up the tents' Galahad suggested.

'Merlin, you can go and find some firewood' Arthur suggested. 'That'll build up those puny little arms of yours'.

Merlin gasped indignantly, but went to do as he was told. Maybe Arthur had a point. Maybe the reason he couldn't keep a girl's interest for more than a few minutes was because he was so weedy. He made a silent pledge to do some push-ups and sit-ups before hitting the sack this night.

When he got back, three tents had been set up in the clearing, and Lancelot was busy rubbing two sticks together to try and get a fire going. Merlin had an idea. 'Um, Lance' he said, 'I think I heard something! Off in the woods, when I was looking for firewood! It sounded like a girl calling for help'.

'Why didn't you go help her then, Numb-nuts?' Lancelot asked. 'Are you a man or a mouse? It could have been Morgana'.

'I don't think so' said Merlin. 'She sounded younger. And hotter'.

'Hotter than Morgana? Wow… I'll be back in a tic' said Lance, grabbing his sword and racing off before Merlin could add anything further about what a fine swordsman he was, and how the girl would probably rather be rescued by a gallant knight wielding a sword than by… well, a humble servant. Man-servant, Merlin thought, having to correct himself, now! He turned to the carefully thought-out arrangement of sticks, dry leaves and paper surrounded by a circle of small stones, and, checking no one was looking, waved a hand over them, murmuring the word "Incendiare"

In seconds the twigs caught alight, and by the time Lancelot got back, looking mighty aggrieved that he hadn't found Merlin's damsel in distress, there was a merry fire crackling, but it didn't serve to improve his mood, at all! To add insult to injury, Arthur was now standing with his hands out toward the flame, so he didn't dare accuse the king's precious manservant of doing sorcery!

'I didn't hear any girl' Lancelot told Merlin. 'You must have forgotten to take your meds, again, Merlin'.

'Oh yeah' said Merlin, slapping himself upside the head. 'Sorry – I must have been hallucinating'.

'Who got the fire going?' Lancelot asked, pouting. 'That was my job'.

'I did' said Merlin and Arthur, simultaneously, both wanting to take credit for a job well done. As Gawain, Pellinor and Galahad joined them around the fire, having put up the tents and done a lap around the perimeter of camp to check for any sign of the Druids, Arthur called a general meeting to talk tactics. Then it was Merlin's favourite part of camp – dinner!

As natural light grew dim around them, the knights of the Kind of Round but Slightly Oblong Table grew sleepy, and cold, and gathered around the fire for warmth.

'Who knows a decent ghost story?' asked Arthur. 'And not the one about the couple out in the woods, who get carved up by the escapee from the nearby lunatic asylum with the hook for an arm! I've heard that one like, a zillion times, and it's not even scary anymore'.

'I know one' said Gawain. 'I hooked up with this bird last week, right, and she looked great when I got her home, but when I woke up the next morning, blugh!' he shuddered. 'She looked like she'd fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down'.

'Those must be some beer goggles' giggled Lancelot. 'If you think that's scary…'

'Guys, guys…' Arthur moaned, 'I don't want to hear about the dog you had to gnaw your own arm off to get away from, I'm talking about real ghost stories. The ones that make you have nightmares'.

'But I don't want nightmares' said Galahad. 'I'm already freaking out about what the Druids might be doing to my beautiful… I mean, the Lady Morgana'.

'Oooh' said Gawain. 'So I take it you've managed to solve that whole chastity belt dilemma?'

'No, not yet' admitted Galahad. 'But I won't get to if we don't find her! What are we doing sitting around here like a pack of Girl Scouts on a camping trip, anyway? We've got to find her!' He jumped up and pulled his axe from its case behind his shoulder. 'I'll make them rue the day they stole my sweetheart and tried to use her in their plot to overthrow the king!'

'Steady on there, old chap' laughed Arthur. 'We won't get very far in the dark'.

'But she could be dead already…'

'I doubt it, somehow' said Arthur. 'Remember when Morgana ran away that time? She was shacked up with the Druids, for Christ's sake! They won't hurt her'.

'Then why are we even out here?' wailed Gawain. 'I'm missing the V8 Supercars!'

Arthur sighed. 'We're out here, you nong, to bond as a group and reaffirm our loyalty to Come-a-lot. Think of it as one of those retreats big companies are always sending their employees off to. It's an exercise in roughing it, braving the elements, survival instincts…'

'Who wants another bowl of Fully Loaded Chili?' asked Lancelot, eyeing the last can.

Arthur sighed. 'You can have it. I'm stuffed'. He rubbed his belly, and glanced at Merlin, who was staring into the flames with a vacant look on his face. 'Oh – I've got an idea' said Arthur, suddenly. 'Let's burn off dinner with a tacky training montage, backed by dodgy 80's music'.

Merlin looked up then. 'What about dodgy 80's music?'

Arthur reached for his ghetto blaster and threw in a tape. Suddenly the hills were alive with the intro to Laura Branigan's "I need a hero", and Arthur grabbed Merlin by the wrist. 'Come on, Merlin! It's time you learned to dance like a man'.

As they swept across the clearing in a swarthy foxtrot, Merlin couldn't help but ask, 'So if I'm supposed to be learning to dance like a man, why do you keep leading?'

Morgana, meanwhile, had left the dragon to his own devices (whatever they were) and had decided to sneak back to her chambers and get some sleep in her own lovely, soft bed. Her back was aching from the lumpy mattress Mab and her slimy offsider Alphonse or whatever his name was had expected her to lie on. Added to that, her recurring nightmares and premonitions meant that she didn't get much sleep at all, at the best of times. I might go visit Gaius, she thought, and see if he has any of that brilliant sleeping draught he calls Rohypnol around. Yes, that's what I'll do!

As she crept up to Gaius's door, however, it was pretty clear the old man wasn't planning on having visitors. Peering around the door, which had been left slightly ajar, Morgana watched as Gaius mixed something at his lab table, waited til it stopped bubbling, then picked up the bowl in both hands, holding it head-high as he chanted Druidic verse. Oh My freaking God, thought Morgana, he's doing a spell! He's a sorcerer! She kept watching as the old healer lowered the bowl, dropped in a few more ingredients and stirred them with a wooden spoon, all the while humming "Love is in the Air" with a dopey, dreamy look on his face.

Morgana put a hand over her mouth, trying not to giggle out loud. So the old fool's in love, eh, she thought. I wonder who with? Poor them, whoever they are!

Then a thought occurred to her. If Gaius knew magic, and if Gaius was otherwise occupied with his little crush, then maybe she could find time to sneak into his chambers and look for a spell to release the dragon! Now that's a plan, she thought, feeling more proud of herself than she had when she'd outwitted Queen Mab. But first, for the sleeping draught! She knocked on the door, tentatively.

'Oh, is that you, Merlin? I didn't expect you back until tomorrow' said Gaius, hastily pouring his potion into a decanter and closing his spell book with a loud thwack.

'No… It's me'. Morgana emerged from the shadows.

Gaius's eyes widened. 'Lady Morgana? Uther told us you were being held prisoner by the Druids…'

'I was being held prisoner' Morgana admitted. 'But not by the Druids. They wouldn't do that to me. It was Mab, and her scabby little Emo boy-toy, Alawishus, or whatever his name is'.

'Ah… well, that makes sense' Gaius nodded. 'How did you get away?'

'I tripped her' Morgana giggled. 'You should have seen her face, she was furious'.

'Well, I'd stay well shot of her, if I were you' Gaius advised. 'She was in a terrible mood at dinner, and now I know why'.

'She had dinner here?' said Morgana, incredulous. 'Who invited her?'

'Nobody. But then, nobody has to. Mab does what she likes. Always has. That woman's got no idea when she's outworn her welcome, I can tell you'. Gaius held out a bottle filled with red liquid to Morgana. 'Here… I assume this is what you're looking for? A good night's sleep in a bottle. Anyway, Mab's one of those people who get invited to stay for the night and end up camping on your couch for a month and a half, mooching your smokes and drinking all your hard liquor'.

'Sounds like a right old pain in the arse' Morgana mused. 'How do we get rid of her?'

'I suppose when Uther's been knocked off his perch, and magic returns to the realm, she'll shuffle on back to her cave, but until then, I guess we've got no other choice but to endure her' Gaius said, with a sigh of resignation. 'Not to forget the Goddess Eris and her handmaiden'.

Morgana raised an eyebrow. 'She's a goddess? You're kidding! She doesn't act very godly. You'd think she'd be able to just lift Uther up and drop him on his head with the power of her own mind, but she hasn't managed to do squat'.

'That's because Uther doesn't believe in her' Gaius said, quietly. 'She is of the Old Religion, and Uther's God is a Christian God. If Uther believed in her kind as he believes in the Old Testament, and Jesus and Moses and so forth, she'd be able to whip up a tornado and send him to Kansas to live with Dorothy, but he doesn't. So she can't'.

'He believed in Nimueh, though, didn't he?' Morgana asked, enthralled. 'Her magic worked on him, once'.

'Once. Not now. And she's not a God, either. Just a powerful sorceress. There's a difference'.

Morgana took the bottle of sleeping draught, and leaning forward, kissed Gaius on the cheek. 'Thank you, Gaius'.

'It was my pleasure, Lady Morgana' said Gaius. 'Now go and hop into bed, before Queen Mab and that sidekick of hers find you in the hallway, and decide to kidnap you all over again!'

Merlin was just sliding into between his blankets when Arthur crawled into their tent on his hands and knees. 'Shit, I'm buggered' he yawned. 'All that riding, and then the dancing, and then Galahad and Gawain's impromptu comedy act…'

'That was comedy?'

'Yeah well, anyway… we should sleep well tonight'. Arthur ripped off his chain mail and threw it into the corner of the tent, followed by his boots. Slithering in between his blankets, Arthur propped his chin on his elbow and stared at Merlin, who was lying on his back, gazing at the roof of the tent as if he could see through it to the stars. The prince didn't know why he kept thinking about Merlin all the time; he just did. It had been happening all day. And even worse, he kept sneaking glances at the bloke, when he thought no one was watching. A couple of times Merlin had almost caught him, but he'd looked away just in time. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he get his skinny manservant out of his head? Arthur tried to turn away, but couldn't. He was transfixed by the big blue eyes (which were dark inside the tent); the high cheekbones; the full, shapely lips…

'Merlin?'

'Yes?' murmured Merlin, who was already half asleep.

'Remember how I told you I'd teach you how to kiss?'

'Huh?'

Before his servant could utter another word, Arthur was on him - lips locked against Merlin's, hands in his dark hair. When he finally had to come up for air, Merlin gasped in horror. 'Arthur… what are you doing?'

'Teaching you how to kiss! Girls do it with their friends all the time. Gwen told me that's how she learned'.

'Well, we're not girls, and you're never going to do that to me again!' Merlin threw both arms across his face. 'Ever!'

'Oh… you can't say it was that bad' said Arthur, winking at him. 'Can you? I mean… I could have sworn you started kissing me back, for a second, there'.

'I did not! I was trying to move my mouth away from yours!' Merlin protested.

'It didn't feel like that to me' said Arthur, running a hand down the front of Merlin's shirt. Merlin pushed his hand away, only to have it back where it started!

'Arthur! If I have to sleep outside, I will!' whispered Merlin, furiously.

'Oh, you don't have to do that' said Arthur, moving over so that his body was up close and personal with Merlin's. 'I know its cold, but we can use our bodies to keep each other…'

Before he'd finished that sentence, Merlin was up and out in a flash, dragging his blanket behind him. Arthur pouted and sank back down on his side of the tent, tense and unfulfilled. If that was the way Merlin wanted it, he could sleep out there in the cold! But Arthur wasn't put off completely. Oh no. Merlin, he thought, I'm going to get me some of that servant-boy action, if it's the last thing I do! Turning over and closing his eyes, he groaned aloud. What am I thinking?

Back at the castle, Gaius made sure Morgana was safely out of sight before he lifted a finely crafted crossbow from under his lab table, and headed down to his favourite dungeon. Pulling the cord to turn on the light, he smiled at a life-sized cut out of his secret crush on the wall. 'Now' he said to the empty room, 'Time for some target practice'.

Next on the Misadventures of Merlin…

Will Gaius cure the love spell before Arthur makes Merlin his bitch?

Will Morgana find a way to release the dragon?

And who is the famous guest invited to Uther's fiftieth birthday brunch?