Episode 6 – The Lady in the Lake

Gwen was in her element having Morgana back to wait on, but she still couldn't get Arthur's strange behaviour of the morning before out of her head. 'He was totally ignoring me, My Lady' she told her boss. 'That just isn't like him. He's normally a real flirt – always trying to cop a feel – but yesterday, it was like… nothing. It was really weird! Do you think he's tired of me, already?'

'I doubt that, Gwen' Morgana said, trying to reassure her handmaiden. 'You probably just caught the bloke in one of the four annual minutes where he's honestly too preoccupied to think about sex. That's all'.

'Four minutes a year? Really?'

'Yep' replied Morgana. 'Every other minute, they're like horny little toads, running about, just trying to get their end in, any way they can'.

'Speaking of horny little toads; how's that servant of Mab's? He tried to grab my arse after dinner last night! And he's got real strong hands, too' Gwen said, rubbing her butt. 'Honestly, I wish someone would tell that woman she's persona non grata around here, now that everyone knows it was her that held you hostage! Why she keeps hanging around when everyone hates her guts is beyond me'.

'That's just what Mab does. Gaius told me' Morgana said. 'She's like the world's worst houseguest. Never knows when to leave, and would bum your last cigarette'.

'And you can't stop her, either, because she can turn you into a coat rack, if she feels like it'. Gwen added. 'It's such a pity she's like, the one remaining pure-blood representative of the Old Religion. With her sort running around in the old days, it's any wonder Uther doesn't like magic'.

'Speaking of Uther, it's his birthday tomorrow' Morgana reminded her. 'I think we should do something, you know, big, to prove to him that we're not all trying to kill him. He's been rather depressed lately, with all these attempts at trying to pull his throne out from under him. I think we should give him a party'.

'Wow' said Gwen, 'Haven't you changed your tune'.

'Not really' Morgana said, shaking her head. 'I still believe he's being unreasonable when it comes to magic, but he is my guardian, and he's brought me up since I was ten years old. And barring the whole megalomaniacal dictator bit, he's actually been like a father to me'.

'Fair enough' said Gwen. 'I'll talk to Arthur about it. Maybe we could throw him a surprise party, or something?'

'Brunch!' said Morgana, excitedly. 'We could have one of those ritzy brunches, like they're always having on Gossip Girl! Oh, I've always wanted to go to one of those'.

'I don't know' Gwen said, turning up her nose. 'The idea of dressing up for breakfast might not appeal to a lot of people who like to sleep in on Sundays'.

'It's Brunch, Gwen! Sort of like elevenses, but more swanky! Oh, I'm going to have such a ball organising this! Who do you think I should invite for entertainment?'

'Oh, Uther rather likes that blonde bird with the really thick American accent – I forget her name. She sucks, but I think he wants to bang her, so I'm pretty sure he'd be chuffed if she showed up' Gwen suggested. 'Either that or that fat bloke who sings opera, but I'd lay odds he'd prefer the slapper, instead'.

'Which slapper is that? Britney Spears, Kesha or Christina Aguilera?'

'Kesha! That's the one' Gwen said. 'She puts a money sign where the S should be. Silly bint'.

'This is going to be great' beamed Morgana. 'Uther's going to have the best fiftieth birthday brunch, ever!'

And he's going to get the surprise of his life afterward, too, she thought to herself. If I manage to free Kilgaro; we'll be celebrating the king's birthday and death within twenty-four hours!

When the boys rode back into town that morning, Merlin broke off from the main riding group and headed straight home. Shaken and totally freaked out, he thought if he spent another minute in Arthur's company he'd regurgitate his breakfast! The scene in their tent last night was bad enough, but then Arthur had decided to join him at the lake when Merlin went to wash up, and had suggested that the both of them skinny-dip! It was too much for poor Merlin, who used to shower in his underwear after PE at school!

'Gaius' he blurted, as he made it to the safety of his chambers, 'Arthur's acting really weird! I think someone's put a spell on him! He keeps making these lewd suggestions to me – and last night he tried to kiss me in our tent! I really think magic's involved, or else my Gaydar has been way off, because I'd never have picked him for a queer'.

Gaius then did the one thing Merlin never would have expected – he shook with laughter! 'Oh… Oh I'm sorry' he said, wiping his eyes minutes later. 'It's just… it's just… so funny'.

'It's not funny, it's bloody awkward! How am I supposed to follow my destiny when my destiny wants to follow me, just to check out my rear view? It's sick, I tell you! Please, do something!'

'Well, if Arthur's truly gay, there's not really much I can do' Gaius said, shrugging. 'But if, on the other hand, he's under a spell…'

'Is there any way you can find out?'

'Yes' said Gaius, laying a hand on Merlin's shoulder as the boy sank into a chair. 'I can talk to him. Don't you worry your pretty… uh… your head about it, my boy. I'll fix this'.

Merlin watched Gaius leave the room, then threw his head back and groaned. He hadn't missed Gaius's slip of the tongue. And all he could think was, not Gaius, too!

Gwen threw herself at Arthur the moment he walked into his chambers. 'Oh – steady on' he said, catching her by the arms. 'I've been riding all morning! I really need a rest'.

Gwen's face fell. 'But… didn't you miss me?'

'Of course' he said, and kissed her on the forehead, dismissively. 'How could I not miss my little Cinnamon Buns?'

Gwen giggled, feeling a little bit better. If he was using his private nickname for her, he must still be thinking about her, that way!

'But right now, all I want to do is collapse' Arthur told her. Then he frowned. 'Wow, that's weird! You didn't even ask if we found Morgana'.

'That's because she's back' said Gwen, grinning. 'It wasn't the Druids at all – it was Queen Mab who had her locked up in one of the cells underneath the castle! But she managed to escape, and now she's busy organising Uther's fiftieth birthday. By the way, she wants to talk to you about that…'

Arthur's jaw dropped. 'She's back? She's been here the entire time?'

'Yeah. Why?'

'Bloody hell! I've just spent the last twenty-four hours looking for Her bloody Highness out in the woods, and she's been here all along! Way to send someone to find us and let us know'.

Gwen bit her lip. 'Well… it was very late when she turned up – we figured you'd have camp all set up and everything! Didn't you boys have a good time, roughing it?'

'Well, I wouldn't call what we did "roughing it" exactly' said Arthur, uncomfortably. 'But we did do some quality bonding! Just ask Merlin'.

Gwen raised an eyebrow. 'Why? What happened to Merlin? You boys weren't teasing him, were you? You know you can be a real bully sometimes, Arthur Pendragon! Just because you can give atomic wedgies, doesn't mean you should'.

'No' said Arthur, unable to hide a grin. 'No wedgies. I promise'.

'Then what?' Gwen asked, balling her hand into a fist and putting it up under Arthur's nose. 'You know how protective I am of Merlin! He's like, the brother I never had, so if you blokes have been giving him a hard time…'

'We haven't. I promise. I taught him to dance, that's all' Arthur laughed. 'That boy has two left feet and absolutely no rhythm, by the way'.

Gwen relaxed her fist. 'As long as that's all it was! If I find out later you did anything worse, like make him strip and steal his clothes, or use him for target practice…'

Arthur grinned, salaciously. 'You're gonna do what to me?'

Gwen's face lit up. This was more like it! She narrowed her eyes. 'Wouldn't you like to know?'

Morgana was busy choosing between two designs for the invitations when Arthur caught up with her in the dining hall. 'Which one is better?' she asked him, holding up the samples. Arthur gave them a quick glance then pointed at the one with the Pendragon crest at the top. 'So, how are the Druids?' he asked.

Morgana stopped in her tracks. 'Oh… you know about that'.

'Yes… I know you weren't with the Druids at all. That it was Mab who was holding you hostage! What I can't figure out is how you got past that witch'.

'I didn't use magic, if that's what you're inferring. Magic isn't allowed. Uther might think of me as a daughter, but he'd have me strung up if he knew about my… gifts'.

'And that's why I haven't told him' Arthur reminded her. 'We might not see eye to eye on a lot of things…'

'Plus I think you're a total prat' Morgana reminded him

'There is that. But regardless, you're practically family, so it's not like I'm going to go running to dob you in! Speaking of which… Gwen said you were throwing some kind of party for the old man. What's this about?'

'Well… it's all but done. I just need to write out these invitations and have someone deliver them door to door by this evening! It's brunch, so I need to know numbers by about nine tonight…'

Arthur gave her a doubting look. 'What's this really about, Morgana?'

'Nothing! I just thought Father could do with a party in his honour, to prove to him that we still care about him. I'm even inviting one of his favourite singers! I've heard she's in the country, and she loves big, manly, scarred, battle-worn men in chain mail, so the old boy might even get lucky'.

'That would be a great birthday present' Arthur conceded. 'Okay… I'll deliver the invites if you want'.

'Oh, thank you, Arthur! That would be great! A load off my mind, anyway! I've still got to finalise the menu with the caterers, get the servants polishing the silverware…'

'Merlin could do that'

'But I've still got to write out these darn things! Oh, and we're going to need some valets to park the carriages…'

'Morgana, Morgana…' Arthur sighed. 'Calm down. You'll give yourself a stroke'.

'I'm trying to' Morgana said. 'Hey – maybe Gwen could help with these invites? She's got great penmanship! Could you ask her? I've got to run; I've got sooo much to do…' She grabbed her cloak and took off before Arthur could say another word. Oh yes, she thought. I've got bigger fish to fry. A small matter of finding a spell to release Kilgaro on the unsuspecting king on his birthday! With that on top of everything else…Why oh why don't I learn to delegate?

Meanwhile, Merlin was standing at the opening to Kilgaro's cave. 'It's really making me sick' he told the dragon. 'First Arthur, now Gaius! You should have seen the way he looked at me! I feel like a piece of steak on show at the butcher's'.

'Oh, don't talk to me about steak' said the dragon. 'I've been eating bats for the past two days because you were off on your little camping lark! Where's my food?'

'Here' sighed Merlin, and threw the dragon a freshly killed and plucked chicken from the market. Kilgaro gobbled it up with relish, and licked his non-existent lips. 'Aagh – now that's hit the spot' he said. 'So… what exactly do you want me to do about all this?'

'I'm sorry' said Merlin. 'Nothing really… I'm just venting. I just wish there was a way to… I don't know… change myself somehow. Make myself… less attractive to pervy old men – and Arthur! I'm getting really sick of walking with my back against the wall whenever he passes me in the hallway'.

'There is a way' the dragon said, suddenly. 'But if Camilla Everhart performs magic in the realm of Come-a-lot, she's likely to be executed! So you'll have to go to the source of her magic'.

'Which is?'

'The Lady in the Lake. There's a rumour she used to be Nimueh before her sister Mab drowned her. But she's of the Old Religion, and her magic is very powerful'.

'Where is this lake?'

'In the fields beyond the White Mountains – but beware, Merlin! She will want something in return'.

'Like what?'

'How should I know? I just know she'll want something in return' snapped Kilgaro. 'It's kind of a thing with these Wiccan chicks'. He yawned. 'Well, now my stomach's full, I'm getting sleepy. Off with you now, boy! You better make haste, if you're going to get to the Lake and back before the celebrations'.

'Ah yes' said Merlin, rolling his eyes. 'Uther's fiftieth birthday brunch. Terrific'.

'Yes' said Kilgaro with a sly smile. 'Terrific'.

Morgana found sneaking into Gaius's quarters easier than she'd imagined. The old boy was nowhere to be found. Probably off in his dungeon, torturing some poor soul with his rotten vegetables, she thought. I wonder what he does with them, exactly? Although I'm not sure I want to know…

She wasn't prepared, however, for just how many old volumes of potion books and non-magic texts Gaius had strewn about the place. 'Damn it' she said aloud. 'How am I supposed to find a spell when I can't even find a spell book?' She knew that the old boy would have to hide his magical texts really well, so that in the event Uther's guards did a sweep of the city, they wouldn't be found, but this was ridiculous! Morgana searched every nook and cranny of the main room; every cupboard, spare inch of bench space and under every item of clothing on the floor (most of them being Merlin's) – but no cigar. She was seconds from giving up when all of a sudden, a loud creak sounded from the floorboards. She looked down and saw that the board under her foot was raised slightly.

'Hallelujah' she said, to no one in particular. 'I think I've found it'.

But leaving the room with the enormous book bound with string that had been stashed under the floor was going to be more difficult than entering without. She'd have to find the right spell first and copy it. But she couldn't count on Gaius or Merlin walking in on her and catching her in the act. She bit her lip. This was proving to be a lot more work than she'd bargained for. And she still had all that preparation to do, before Uther's brunch tomorrow. What was she going to do?

Gaius found Arthur and Gwen writing out invitations in the prince's chambers. 'Well – this is not exactly what I expected to find you two doing' he said. 'Can I speak to you in private, Sire?'

Arthur put down his quill and stretched out his hand. 'Oh, thank god for that! Do you know Morgana's invited half the kingdom to this thing? We'll never get them all written out in time to deliver them, and wait for everyone to RSVP! The girl's gone obsessive-compulsive with this whole brunch thing'.

'She's just trying to show the king her allegiance' said Gwen. 'I think it's kind of sweet. Although, she did mention the words "Kesha" and "classy do" in the same sentence; which, frankly, worries me'. She stood up and put her quill back in its ink pot. 'I'll leave you two alone, shall I?'

'Thank you, Guinevere' said Gaius, gravely. 'It's really quite a serious matter I have to speak to the prince about'.

'Uh-huh' said Gwen. 'Say no more. I'm out of here'.

As soon as Gwen was gone, Arthur turned to the court's physician. 'What is this about, Gaius? Is Father sick?'

'No… it's nothing to do with the king' Gaius replied. 'It's about you, Arthur'.

'Me? What about me? I'm fine. Aren't I?'

'That remains to be seen' said the old healer. 'Can I check your shoulder wound? Merlin told me you were acting rather… strangely while you were out looking for Morgana'.

'Oh he did, did he?' Arthur fumed. 'I don't remember anything like that! He's lying to you, Gaius! Can't you tell when Merlin's lying? He gets all flushed and sweaty, and his eyes glaze over, and he gets this funny little tic in his left eyelid…'

'That's rather an elaborate description, don't you think?' Gaius pointed out. 'You've been paying extra attention to Merlin, by the sounds of things'.

'No I haven't!' cried Arthur, in protest.

'Take off your shirt'

'Why?'

'So I can check your wound, you silly boy!'

Arthur sighed and pulled his canvas shirt over his head. 'It's been itching like a bitch' he complained. 'Is that normal?'

'Of course it is. It's healing' said Gaius, unravelling the bandage around Arthur's shoulder. 'And it looks fine. Which means…'

'I'm fine' Arthur grumbled. 'I told you so'.

'Are you sure about that?' asked Gaius.

'Yes'.

'So… you'd normally go around kissing Merlin and trying to cuddle up to him in the middle of the night, then?'

Arthur knew the jig was up. 'Oh… all right. I admit, I have been feeling kind of weird, the last couple of days. Thinking things…. Feeling things I normally wouldn't. I mean, Merlin's an idiot…'

'And not a girl' Gaius pointed out. 'He's starting to think you're gay'.

'I'm not gay!'

'Then you've had a spell put on you' said Gaius. 'I'll have to work out which one exactly, and who's responsible, but I think I can rustle up a potion to help block the effects, in the meantime'.

Arthur clenched his jaw. 'Oh, now that makes sense! But I have no idea who would do something like that to me! The Goddess Eris was a little miffed that I dumped her for Gwen, but not enough to…' he stopped short. 'Wait a minute! I don't think the spell was meant for me at all'.

'What do you mean?'

'Well – when I was shot with the arrow, it was because I jumped in front of Merlin. The arrow was meant for him! The arrow was probably dipped in the potion that caused this spell. Which means that someone wanted to put the love whammy on Merlin! But why… and who?'

'I don't think that matters' said Gaius, quickly. 'There are so many sorcerers mincing about the castle these days, it could be anybody. What matters is I find you an antidote. In the meantime, try to stay away from Merlin, will you? You're really starting to freak him out'.

'Will do' Arthur replied. 'He's not the only one getting freaked out, let me tell you'.

Merlin arrived at the wide, shimmering lake at around an hour before dinnertime. The sun was starting to dip below the horizon, and made the water in the lake turn all sorts of pretty colours, like orange, purple and pink. As he was staring at the beauty of the scene, the surface of the water began to ripple, and something started to rise from the deep. Merlin watched as one of the most beautiful beings he'd ever set eyes on rose until she looked as if she was standing on water. She smiled at him and said, 'You'll catch flies'.

'Huh?'

'Your jaw is hanging open'.

'Oh… Sorry! Merlin said, flushing with embarrassment. He couldn't believe he'd been ogling her so obviously, but who could help it? Apart from the Goddess Eris, and maybe Morgana, he'd never been in the presence of such a luminous beauty. Her hair was long and dark with auburn streaks, and her eyes were big and brown like a fawn's. Her skin was like cream. She wore a long, shimmering dress that made her look like a mermaid. Merlin had to stop and reconstruct his thoughts before he could get to why he had arrived here in the first place, seeking her help.

She laughed. 'It's okay. I don't mind. I don't get many visitors, so it's not as if I can afford to piss anyone off, can I? Stare all you like'.

'I – I've actually come to ask your help' Merlin stammered. 'My name is Merlin'.

'I know who you are' the girl said. 'My name is… or rather, was, Nimueh'.

'Yes. Gaius told me what happened to you. You must hate Mab's guts'.

'Life is far too short to spend it hating people, Merlin' Nimueh advised him. 'But yes, I don't exactly see eye to eye with my sister anymore. Especially not after the fugly slut drowned me and forced my ghost to haunt this place for all eternity'.

'I've met Mab' said Merlin. 'It's hard to believe you guys are related'.

'That's what everyone says' Nimueh laughed, humourlessly. 'I look like Mum; she looks like Dad. Luckily for him, that face works much better on a man. Alas, there is one flaw to my beauty'.

'There is?'

'Dishpan hands' said Nimueh, holding up mitts that looked like giant prunes. 'They're so waterlogged, my dream of being a hand model is totally ruined. Yet another thing to hate Mab for'. She sighed, and hid her ugly, misshapen hands behind her back again.

'Yes well… I kind of wish Arthur would hate me again. At least it would be marginally easier for me to take, than having to put up with him hitting on me every time I walk in the room'. Merlin complained. 'He doesn't even ask me to polish his armour anymore. Unless he's wearing it, at the time!'

'Wait a minute' said Nimueh, chuckling. 'You're telling me that Arthur Pendragon has been putting the hard word on you? Haha… Now that would be worth seeing! He's such a…'

'Prat?'

'I was going to say macho homophobe, but yeah, prat will do just as well!'

'How do you know him?'

'Oh, I've had my dealings with the Pendragon clan. Just as I've met your friend, Gaius. And you telling me he has the hots for you doesn't surprise me one bit. Gaius has always had a thing for pretty boys like you'.

'And that's exactly why I've got to change my look' Merlin pleaded. 'Please… can you help me?'

'Okay' said Nimueh. 'But nothing too severe. Maybe some extra lines around the eyes, and maybe I could make your ears stick out more…'

'More?!'

'…And you can have a bit of a beard, but not too much! You don't want Uther to realise magic's responsible, because participating in sorcery carries the same punishment as practicing it' Nimueh reminded him. 'Unless you want to lose your head, you don't want a major change. Have you seen Uther since you got back from your camping trip?'

Merlin frowned. 'No… but how do you know about our camping trip?'

Nimueh threw her head back and laughed; a sound that was like heaven to Merlin's ears. 'I know more than you can ever imagine, Merlin' she told him. 'Go home, and by the time you reach the gates of Come-a-lot, you will have what you wished for'.

'Thank you, My Lady' Merlin gushed. 'Thank you, so much'.

Gaius took the bubbling mixture off the heat and poured it into the dry ingredients in his mortar and pestle. If this antidote worked, Arthur would no longer be at the mercy of that love spell. It would be a huge relief to the prince, but it would be an even bigger relief to Gaius, who didn't need the younger, better-looking competition for Merlin's affections!

As soon as the antidote was mixed and allowed to cool, Gaius took it to Arthur, who was staring out the window in his chambers, into the distance. 'Merlin didn't come home tonight' he said. 'I'm worried'.

'I'm sure he's fine' said Gaius. 'Maybe he had a date? Here, take this'.

Arthur turned around and stared at the potion in the mug. 'I'm not drinking that! It looks disgusting'.

'But you asked me for an antidote to the spell… Here it is' Gaius said, pushing the mug at Arthur's chest. 'Just pinch your nose, and drink it up'.

'Oh fine, whatever' sighed Arthur, and took a long swig of the antidote. Then he turned all kinds of bright colours, and spat it back out! 'Christ! What's in that?'

'You're probably better off not knowing' Gaius replied. 'Herbs, mostly'.

'It's revolting'.

'Still, you'd better finish it, or Lord knows how long you'll be mooning over your servant'.

'Man-servant'

'Did you call me?'

Arthur and Gaius turned toward the door, simultaneously. Gaius blinked. 'Merlin… what have you done?'

'Have you seen Merlin?' giggled Gwen the next morning, as she was preparing for Uther's fiftieth birthday brunch. 'I don't know what kind of beauty products he's using – or not using – but he looks like Methusulah! Beard down to here, and so many wrinkles, he'd give a Sharpei a run for its money!'

'Oh dear' said Morgana. 'I wonder if it's a curse?'

'Nah! Who hates Merlin enough to curse him?' asked Gwen. 'I bet it's an attempt to get Gaius off his back. You do know Gaius has had the hots for Merlin, like, forever? I do think he's gone a teensy bit overboard, though'.

'Still, if Uther suspects magic's involved…'

'He'll have Merlin up on the gallows as soon as look at him. I know. I'll go and see if I can find Camilla Everhart. She might be able to undo the spell. Or at least, tone it down'.

'Don't be late for brunch, will you?' Morgana called after her. As soon as Gwen was gone, Morgana slid a pair of bolt cutters out from her long purple gown and said a quick chant over them. Hiding them again, she went to the door, looked both ways, then headed downstairs to the dragon's lair.

'That looks like the work of my dear sister' said Queen Mab, rolling her eyes as she flicked the end of her cigarette out the window. As ever, Alfie was taking his time getting ready for the king's special brunch, while she was already dressed and good to go. She didn't know why it took him half an hour just to choose the right cravat to go with his many fancy waistcoat and trouser suits, but it did. It wasn't as if anyone actually took any notice of him, except when he applied his squirrel grip to their nether regions!

'What does?'

'That out there. I'm pretty sure it's Arthur's manservant, Merlin. He looks like he's aged about 60 years overnight!'

Alfie peered out the window at the courtyard. 'Wow! Why would anyone do that to themselves?'

'I don't think that was his intention' Mab replied, dryly. 'More like, he just wanted to grow a distinguished, Errol Flynn moustache and goatee for the brunch, and my silly-as-a-wheel sister fucked up the spell. Ever since I drowned the wench, none of her spells or enchantments seem to work out right. Must be all that water to the brain'.

Alfie snorted. 'Gee, do you think?'

'I should really fix the situation' said Mab. 'That poor boy doesn't deserve to die, and that's just what's going to happen if Uther sees him! He's got magic written all over him'.

'But your Excellence… Remember what happened last time you tried to undo one of your sister's spells? It went horribly wrong' Alfie reminded her. 'Shouldn't we leave it to someone like Camilla Everhart? After all, that's what she does. That's all she does'.

'Oh, all right! Damn it, you're always spoiling my fun' said Mab, crossly.

Gwen hurried Camilla out to the courtyard, away from where Uther was sure to be having his breakfast and reading the morning paper, and over to Merlin. 'Can you do something?' she pleaded. 'He can't look like this! King Uther will kill him'.

'Wow' said Camilla, looking Merlin up and down. 'This is a fair bit trickier than the glamour I used to rid you of your scar, but… here goes'. She waved both arms at Merlin, and to the horror of both women, the young manservant disappeared completely, and in his place stood a duck!

'He's a handsome duck' Camilla said, sheepishly, but seeing the look on Gwen's face, waved her arms again. Thankfully, Merlin reappeared, but this time with two pairs of hands!

'Oh this is no good' sighed Gwen. 'Okay, so he'll be twice as fast at his chores, but it's still obviously magic at work, here!'

'Damn' Merlin said, glancing either way at his extra limbs. 'This feels really weird. But cool'.

Camilla narrowed her eyes, trying to conjure up the correct enchantment in her mind; then waved her arms, yet again. Finally, Merlin as Gwen knew him best stood in front of them both, young, wrinkle-free, but with about five days' growth of reddish brown hair on his chin, and over his top lip.

'Hm' said Gwen. 'Nah… It doesn't suit him. But it's still better than the duck. And miles better than the old man'.

Merlin put a hand up and felt the fuzz at his chin. 'Wow' he breathed. 'I've got facial hair! This is so cool! I've got a beard!'

Gwen giggled. 'I don't know if I'd go that far. I'd call it a goatee, maybe?'

'Nah' Camilla decided. 'Designer stubble'.

'I'm going to find a mirror' said Merlin, excitedly. 'Thanks, Camilla!' He leapt forward and gave her a huge kiss on the lips; then took off for his chambers.

Gwen had to give Camilla a nudge to remind her to continue breathing.

'Wow' the pixie-like girl said, 'If I go to the gallows now, at least it will have been worth it'.

'So you still like him?' Gwen laughed.

'Yeah' said Camilla. 'He can't dance, but he can sure as hell kiss!'

Morgana was getting frustrated. Why weren't the enchanted bolt-cutters getting through the chain around the dragon's leg? Kilgaro tapped his foot impatiently.

'All right, all right, I'm going as fast as I can' grumbled Morgana. 'But it seems these bolt-cutters aren't going to do the job'.

The dragon let out a frustrated yawp, making Morgana jump out of her skin.

'I know you're eager to get out of here, but jeez!' she said. 'I'm doing the best I can'.

'Well your best isn't good enough' said the dragon. 'I have an idea I know exactly what will cut through these chains, but you're going to have a helluva time getting hold of it'.

Morgana looked up at him. 'Whatever are you talking about?'

'Excalibur' the dragon said. 'Arthur's sword. Only a weapon that has been burnished in a dragon's breath can break chains like these. I'm just sorry I didn't think of it earlier'.

'So am I' said Morgana, pouting. 'I've got a brunch to put on, guests to greet, and a king to kill. What did you have planned for this morning?'

'That's enough of that, Missy' said the dragon; raising what passed for an eyebrow on his scaly face. 'I heard you were feisty but I didn't realise you had such a twisted sense of humour. I like you'.

'Oh, well, that's good to know' said Morgana. 'So you'll spare me when it comes time to escape and wreak vengeance on Come-a-lot?'

'It depends on my mood at the time, but yes, I think I can promise you that' Kilgaro said, nodding. 'You and Arthur. It is his destiny to rule these lands, after all'.

'And you'll save Gwen, Merlin and the Knights of the Kind of Round but Slightly Oblong Table? Oh, and Gaius?'

'So you pretty much just want Uther dead, then?'

Morgana paused for a second; then brightened. 'Oh… and if you can manage it, Queen Mab; as well. That chick is getting on everyone's nerves'.

'Uther; Queen Mab. Check. How about you go and find that sword, now?'

Morgana bit her lip, and looked at her watch. 'Does it have to be now? My VIP guest will be arriving any minute'.

'NOW!' roared Kilgaro, his patience well and truly worn thin.

'Okay, okay…' said Morgana, ducking in case the dragon decided to get a little too hot-headed. 'Gee, I wonder if he means now?'

'That's enough smart-talk from you, Missy' said the dragon, chuckling to himself.

'Where the hell is Morgana?' Arthur wanted to know. 'She's supposed to show the caterers where to set up the banquet table, and oversee the decorations! How are we supposed to know whether it's two gold balloons to one red; or vice versa?'

'I think you can work it out' Gwen laughed. 'The streamers are red, so it might be an idea not to overdo the red motif. I'd say two gold to one red'.

'You're brilliant' said Arthur, giving his girlfriend a peck on the cheek. 'I'm going to help the others set up'.

Gwen turned toward the huge dining room and bit her lip. Where was Morgana? If she buggered up the arrangements for the brunch, her Lady would never forgive her. Actually, that was a slight exaggeration, but it would take a week of major sucking up and Gwen hated brown-nosing! Spotting Eris in another one of her many purple gowns, she called the Goddess over. 'Have you seen Lady Morgana this morning?'

'Um… No' said Eris, refusing to meet Gwen's eyes. 'I've been… ahem… busy'.

'Oookay' said Gwen, giving Eris a funny look. 'Well, I know it's not Arthur, because he spent all night with me, so who have you been getting busy with?'

'Sex, sex, sex… that's all you people think about' said Eris, stiffly. 'I've actually got bigger fish to fry! Oh yes… I've discovered a way to knock Uther off his throne, once and for all! And when I do, guess who's going to take his place?'

'Arthur?'

'No, you silly bint! Me!' said Eris, her lavender eyes flashing. 'It's about time this dump had a woman running things, instead of a man! And maybe then I'll get my powers back, because everyone will be able to believe in magic again…'

'You can't take the throne!' cried Gwen. 'It's Arthur's. It's been his since birth!'

'Yes, well… I knew you'd say that' said Eris. 'But I'm afraid you can't stop me. You see, I have a contingency plan. And it involves ridding Come-a-lot of not just the king, but his arrogant, self-serving twit of a son'.

Gwen's mouth dropped open. 'You touch a hair on Arthur's head, and I'll… I'll…'

'You'll do what?' Eris crossed her arms over her chest. 'Go on, what will you do to me? You're just Lady Morgana's servant. You don't have any power of your own'.

Gwen stood, seething, speechless. Until she heard a voice behind her, and turned to see Merlin standing at the door, talking to none other than Morgana's VIP guest, the singer, Ke$ha! Wanting to get Merlin alone so she could warn him about Eris's plans for Arthur and his old man, she turned to the Goddess and said, 'Look – I'll say nothing about your plan to kill Uther if you leave Arthur out of it, and help me out, here. Morgana's done a disappearing act, and this is her show. That's Ke$ha, over there, talking to Merlin. Can you go and keep her busy while Merlin and I get everything set up? She's Uther's favourite recording artist, so it's the least you could do for him, if you're going to kill him, later'.

Eris seemed to consider this; then nodded, rolling her eyes, dramatically.

'Okay. Whatever. I'll play sitter to the rock star who looks like a baby prostitute as long as you don't mention a word of what I said, to either Uther or Arthur'.

'Thank you' said Gwen, relieved. She headed over to Ke$ha and Merlin, with Eris in tow. The blonde pop princess was hanging all over Arthur's cute manservant like a cheap suit. Stroking his newly minted goatee, she winked and said, 'I like your beard'.

'See' said Merlin, to Gwen and Eris in a superior tone, 'She thinks it's a beard'.

'It's a bloody goatee, you silly nerd, and barely that' blurted Eris. Taking a shocked looking Ke$ha by the arm, the goddess peeled her off Merlin like a starfish from a rock, and lead her away. 'I'm Eris, the Goddess of Chaos, and you're going to listen to me, right? First of all, there will be NO TIC BLOODY TOC! I'm sick to death of that bloody song! You so much as hum it 'n' I'll smash yer face in…'

Coming up on the Misadventures of Merlin…

Uther's Birthday Banquet Bash;

Eris's plan goes haywire and…

Gaius finally has Merlin where he wants him!