Episode 9 – Ask the Leyland Brothers!

Gaius had just spent the worst hour of his life bound to his own torture device, having rotten fruit thrown at him, foreign objects inserted up his nose (they'd taken the gag out, thankfully, so he could breath) and his mind invaded by Camilla, who simply sat in front of him, and reeled off all the nasty thoughts she could find in his brain. Most of them had to do with Merlin, of course, but some concerned Morgana, and even the prince himself. Merlin was disgusted. 'So… all those times you asked us to take our shirts off, it wasn't anything to do with medicine, it was just to get an eyeful?'

'No comment' said Gaius.

'And that time Arthur was bitten by the Gryphon – you had him lying in bed, half naked, and kept insisting on giving him sponge baths! What was that about?'

'No comment'

'You're just a grubby, dirty old man, aren't you?' Merlin continued. 'I can't believe I considered you my mentor for so long!'

'I can explain…'

'I'd like to hear it' Merlin said, scowling. 'But right now, the Prince will be back from the forest and I'm supposed to go polish the knights' armour. If you're really, really lucky, I won't tell him about what's gone on here today'.

'Please, Merlin…'

Merlin walked over to Gaius, removed the caterpillar that had taken up residence in the old boy's nostril, and unfastened the strap around his head. Almost immediately, Gaius's head flopped, his chin hitting his chest. He was exhausted.

'Now you know how your victims feel' Merlin told him. 'That's all we really wanted – just to show you what you do to people down here. It's probably nothing on what you actually get up to – I don't have the stomach for real torture – but I think we've humiliated him enough for now, don't you, Camilla?'

'Oh, absolutely' beamed Camilla. 'He'll think twice about taking pleasure in the pain of others. He's thoroughly ashamed of himself'.

'Can you please stop doing that?' Gaius asked, dragging his head up long enough to glare at Camilla. 'You wouldn't like having someone else in your head all the time'.

'Sorry' said the telepathic pixie. 'It just happens sometimes, I don't even have to switch it on'.

'Oh, speaking of which – did you get my message?' Merlin asked her. 'I sent you a kind of signal when you were locked up. To tell you that I was coming'.

'Um… no' said Cam, sheepishly. 'It doesn't really work that way. I have to be in the same room as the person. It was a nice thought, though'.

Gauis let his head hit his chest again. The last thing he needed was to witness more soppy looks between the two young lovebirds, who'd spent the past hour blushing and averting their eyes every time they passed something to each other, and their hands touched. It was utterly nauseating, like watching Bella and Edward spend the majority of Twilight not kissing each other!

'So, um… Camilla… uh… what are you doing later?' Merlin asked, shyly, as he released Gaius's right hand from the Rack.

The Goddess Eris's makeup artist giggled, and blushed (yet again). 'Well, that just depends, doesn't it? When do you get off work?'

Merlin's entire face turned pink and he chuckled like John Travolta's character in Grease. Dear God, thought Gaius, as his young charge pulled him off the Rack and struggled to get him into a fireman's hold, in order to take him back to his chambers. Please don't let them get busy in Merlin's room! The torture he'd been withstanding would be nothing, compared to having to listen to that!

'It's so awfully good to see you chaps again' said Uther for the umpteenth time, at brunch. The Leyland Brothers, having been sent an official invitation from the king, had joined him in the formal dining hall, and had spent the last hour or so regaling Uther with stories of their travels. Including a rather interesting tale about Mike getting busy with one of their hypnotism clients, a woman who, ironically, wanted to get over her sex addiction. Mike looked rather red and flustered as his brother told of how the woman had shown up, nine months later, and literally dropped a baby girl in their laps.

'So… what happened to the baby?' Uther asked, leaning forward in his chair. 'Did you find a good home for it?'

'As a matter of fact, we did' said Mike. Turning in his chair, he whistled between his fingers, something Uther had always privately wished he could do. Out of the south door came a young girl, around the age of sixteen, with long dark hair, pasty skin and a sullen expression. She wasn't particularly tall, but thin, and instead of a gown, wore breeches, of all things, beneath a dark shirt and an ankle-length black jacket. She was, in short, the strangest looking girl Uther had ever seen.

'Beatrix, meet King Uther of Come-a-lot' her father was saying. 'He, your uncle and I go way back'.

'Fascinating' droned Beatrix. 'Where's my carrot and apple juice?'

'Beatrix's a vegetarian' explained Mike. 'She doesn't eat anything that comes from the slaughter of animals'.

'My name's Bella' the girl retorted. 'How many times do I have to tell you that, Father?'

'What?' Uther was confused. 'She has two names?'

'No. Her mother named her Beatrix. She's just gotten so wrapped up in the Twilight saga she's convinced she's Bella Swan', Mike explained, looking embarrassed. 'She won't answer to anything else. I'm just hoping that if I call her Beatrix enough, it might sink in'.

'It's a terrible name, and I hate it' stormed the girl, crossing her arms over her chest violently and almost knocking over the water jug in the process.

Mal chuckled. 'Oh, the teenage years! I suppose Arthur gave you just as much trouble?'

Uther shook his head. 'Actually, no. Arthur's been my pride and joy from the day he was born'.

'Sounds like a total suck' muttered Beatrix/Bella, under her breath.

As if he heard someone say his name, Arthur appeared from nowhere, intent on visiting Gwen in her chambers for a little early-morning slap'n'tickle.

'Ah, here he is' said Uther, stopping his son in his rather enthusiastic tracks. 'Come and formally meet my guests, Arthur'.

'I've met Mike and Mal Leyland, Father' said Arthur, barely able to resist rolling his blue eyes. 'I was the one who mentioned I'd seen them, remember?'

'Of course, but you haven't met their daughter, Beatrix'.

'BELLA!'

Everyone at the table, and Arthur, who stood at the door, jumped, startled. The precocious teen finally gave some hint of a smile. Then she looked up at Arthur, and her jaw dropped.

'Bella' said Mal, who'd obviously grown tired of the whole trying-to-get-Beatrix-to-accept-her-name-shtick. 'Meet Uther's son, Arthur'.

'Uh-huh' the girl managed to say, her mouth still wide open, her brown eyes nailed to Arthur's impressive visage.

'Hello' said Arthur, politely. Then to Uther, 'I've got to go… I'm taking Gwen out to brunch'.

'Oh no you're not' said Uther, suddenly. 'I will not have you court a mere servant girl! You're going to show young Beatrix here around the castle, and then take her to lunch'.

Mike and Mal swivelled their heads around to take in their young charge, both convinced she was about to let loose with another ball-tearing cry of "BELLA", but she didn't. A very large, blonde cat by the name of Arthur appeared to have her tongue, and most of the rest of her, in his thrall.

'Oh, but Father…' Arthur started to say, but was shushed.

'I will not hear anything further about it. I'll send a message up to Guinevere to let her know that you have been otherwise detained, and you shall do your duty as Crown Prince of Come-a-lot. That is…'

'To conduct myself with the utmost discretion and dignity', Arthur grumbled. 'Honestly, you weren't saying this a week ago, when some photographer took a photo of Gwen and I in the barn…'

'Enough' bellowed Uther. 'You heard what I said. Guinevere is not your future'.

Arthur glanced down at the girl who called herself Bella. 'And she is?' he asked. 'She's a kid! Is that even legal?'

Beatrix/Bella pouted. It was not a good look on her. 'I'm not a kid!' she told him. 'I'm sixteen years old!' The petulance didn't last. 'I've already had one boyfriend' she told Arthur. 'He taught me to French kiss. Do you want to see how I can tie a cherry stalk into a knot using only my tongue?'

'Beatrix! Don't be vulgar!' Mike scolded. 'I'm sorry about her; she's rather got boys on the brain, at the moment'.

Arthur gave his father a pleading look, and finding no sympathy, sighed and held his arm out to Beatrix/Bella. 'Maybe… you should go and change before we head into town' he suggested to her.

'Why? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?' she asked, winding her arm around his in a manner she obviously thought was seductive.

'Well… most women in Come-a-lot wear dresses' Arthur floundered. 'Girls, I mean'.

'I don't own many dresses' Beatrix/Bella admitted. 'I like pants. You can climb trees wearing pants. And ride horses. I absolutely hate side-saddle'.

'Oh well… I guess we'll go then, shall we?' Arthur said, shrugging. Whatever. He'd show this surly lass a good time this morning then find Gwen and have roaring-great makeup sex in the afternoon. It might take another fifteen minutes longer to get her in the mood, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do…

'Who's this Gwen?' Beatrix/Bella asked as Arthur led her out to the courtyard. 'Is she your girlfriend?'

'Sort of', admitted Arthur. 'She would be, if Father approved. Which he doesn't, as you, no doubt, could tell'.

The girl seemed to be considering this, as she had a contemplative look on her face and said nothing for a few moments. Then she glanced up at him. 'Would it be easier to get away to see Gwen if your father thought you and I were an item, maybe?'

Arthur stopped on the steps to the castle doors, and turned to face her. 'Why would you do something like that for me? You hardly know me'.

She smiled, prettily. 'I scratch your back, you scratch mine'.

He raised a blonde eyebrow. 'What do you want in return?'

'Use of a horse' she said, suddenly. 'And the name of your local gardener, or apothecary. Whoever sells your best weed around here'.

Arthur laughed. 'You're a stoner?'

'I prefer to call myself a recreational smoker, actually'.

Arthur considered the deal. 'And you'll pretend we're out together when really, I'm seeing Gwen and you're off smoking pot and doing… well, whatever?'

The girl nodded. 'Something like that, yeah'.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. 'Don't you think it will be a little weird if you rock up wasted after supposedly spending time with me? Your father will think I'm corrupting you'.

Beatrix/Bella's eyes wandered down from Arthur's face to his neck, then further down to the strip of chest visible between the eyelets on his shirt.

'Well, if he already thinks you're corrupting me…' she started to say, 'Why not just have at it?'

Arthur gaped at her. 'Are you saying what I think you're saying?'

She put a hand on his chest, and took a step closer. 'I might be'.

'You're only sixteen' Arthur said, gulping. 'I'm nearly 21, and I have a girlfriend…'

'What she doesn't know won't hurt her' said Beatrix/Bella seductively. 'Come on, Arthur! Bet you've always wanted to deflower a virgin…'

'Beatrix!'

'Bella!' she shouted back. 'For Christ's sake… doesn't anybody listen to me?'

Arthur, a little taken aback by her ranting, waved his hands in front of him.

'All right, all right! Bella it is! But you know, I can't…'

Before he could finish his sentence, the girl reached up on tiptoes, grabbed him by the shoulders and planted a kiss on his lips.

'Arthur Pendragon!'

Arthur pushed the manipulative teenager away from him, and wiped his lips on his sleeve. Gwen stood before them, a horrified – and devastated – look on her face.

'I can't believe you'd do something like this! Right in front of the castle, too! I knew you had your doubts about us, but to flaunt another girl in front of me…'

'I didn't…' Arthur tried to tell her. 'She kissed me'.

'Likely story!'

'Guinevere! I'm not interested in her! I'm interested in you…' Arthur broke away from Beatrix/Bella and followed Gwen to the servant's quarters, all the while protesting his innocence.

Left alone, Beatrix/Bella smiled to herself. Now to find some of that wicked green stuff, and a horse, to get her out of this dump!

While Camilla and Merlin were making the beast with two backs and Arthur was supposedly showing their daughter/niece a good time, Mike and Mal Leyland, having slipped a sleeping draught into Uther's glass of wine, were making their way down to the cellars.

'I hear he's got Kilgaro, the last dragon hidden down here, somewhere' Mal was saying. 'Chained to a rock'.

'I heard he's got the entire family jewels of ten generations of Pendragons locked down here, somewhere, and that's worth a great deal more to me than some bloody overgrown lizard' Mike replied. 'If we can find the jewels, and sell them, we'll be rich beyond our wildest dreams! No more of this snake-oil salesmen crap! No more peddling dreams for me, Brother. I want to live them'.

'But if the dragon is down here, suppose he's guarding the jewels? How do we get past him then?'

'If Uther chained you down here for twenty years, would you feel obliged to guard his precious jewels? No, I think not'. Mike said. 'And come to think of it, didn't Arthur say there was a dragon in the woods, last night? If Kilgaro was indeed the last dragon, then that would mean…'

'That Kilgaro's gotten loose, somehow' Mal finished for him. 'Well, that's one problem out of the way'.

'And another problem to take its place' said Mike, coming to a door made of iron bars. Beyond it were riches, as Mike had said, well beyond their wildest dreams. If only they had a way to get through the door…

Mike growled and rattled the cage door, in frustration. His brother, in contrast, stood silently, as he usually did when he was hatching a plan.

'Wait' he said, suddenly. 'I think I know how to get the key to that door'.

'How?' Mike asked, turning toward him, his round face flushed. 'I must know'.

'Why, my dear brother' said Mal… 'The power of persuasion, of course'.

Morgana stared out the window, away with the fairies, as usual. It was strange – despite her recent romance with Galahad, all she could think about lately was that skinny, bumbling manservant of Arthur's! Ever since Gwen let it slip that Merlin had the hots for her, his toothy grin had been taking up space in her brain. But it didn't make sense – why would Merlin be interested in her when he already had a girlfriend?

Just as Morgana decided to go and wash her hair, the door to her chambers was flung open and Gwen raged in, eyes streaming with tears. 'I hate Arthur' she declared. 'He just can't help himself!'

Morgana sighed. Didn't anyone in this god damned palace believe in knocking? You can't have a decent daydream around here without being disturbed! She frowned at Gwen. 'Why, what's he done, now?'

'I caught him, red-handed, on the palace steps, making out with some pasty Emo! I mean, seriously, the girl was lucky to have been sixteen years old! Oh, I was warned they like 'em younger and younger these days, but I wasn't expecting this'.

'Calm down, Gwen! Arthur adores you. Why would he do something like that? Did he have an explanation?'

'He says she kissed him! Likely story' Gwen huffed, pacing the room with her arms straight as arrows by her sides, fists clenched. 'I feel like hitting something!'

'If Arthur says she kissed him, she probably did' Morgana reasoned. 'Do you know how many girls lust after him in the kingdom? I've been his adopted sister since he was eight years old. I've seen how girls get around him. It's ridiculous. If they saw him in the morning, with his bed hair, and heard him belch at the dinner table, and heard how he bosses around Merlin sometimes, they'd soon change their opinions of him'.

Gwen stopped pacing for a moment, and bit her lip. 'Do you really think he might have been telling the truth?'

Morgana gave Gwen a "what do you think?" look. 'I don't think it, I know it. You're all he ever talks about these days. Go and make up with him, will you? Because when you guys are fighting, he's even more insufferable than when he's happy and in love'.

'Okay' said Gwen, going from furious to nervous excitement in seconds flat. 'I'll admit – I love make-up sex. Especially with Arthur. He…'

'Gwen, Gwen, I don't want to hear it' said Morgana, covering her ears. 'That's way too much information, already'.

As Gwen sailed out the door, Eris sailed in. Or rather, scampered.

'Oh – Morgana, I'm glad I caught you here'.

'What do you want? I thought Uther took you and Camilla prisoner?'

'He did, but Merlin helped us escape. Plus, now Uther's completely sidetracked by his guests, the travelling sideshow he's got going for the feast tonight. Did you know they're going to hypnotise someone at dinner?'

Morgana looked impressed. 'Wonderful! Dinner and a show! So… what can I do for you?'

'Well…' Eris took a step closer, and Morgana could see a wicked glint in the goddess's lavender eyes. 'I was wondering if you'd join me for a spot of mischief on the prince's behalf. He's been wanting to be king for a while, get rid of all those pesky laws involving magic, but he can't do that as long as his father holds the title of king, and since he can't kill him…'

'Why can't he kill him? Arthur's been plotting Uther's untimely demise for years' Morgana mused.

'Oh since he started up with your servant girl he's gone as soft as a pensioner's turd when it comes to affairs of state' Eris grumbled. 'Can't trust him to do anything but sit around with a foolish look on his face, talking about Guinevere 24/7. But then, if you want something done…'

'Do it yourself' Morgana murmured. 'Yes… you're right. Uther must be dethroned. But how?'

Eris walked over to the door and closed it behind her. 'Remember those hypnotists I told you about?'

Merlin sat up and searched for his pants as Camilla smiled happily, lying back in his single bed, totally satisfied. 'Do you really have to go?' she asked.

'Yes' he said, 'Sorry. But Uthur is hosting a feast tonight for the Leylands, including a spot of jousting this afternoon, and I have to go and polish Arthur's armour, water his horse, blah blah blah… I wish I could stay here with you, but I really can't'. He leaned over and kissed her tenderly. 'I'll be back later'.

'I'll be right here' giggled Camilla. 'What else have I got to do? I have no idea where Eris is…'

At that moment, just as Merlin was pulling up his breeches, in burst Camilla's boss.

'Oh, for God's sake, put that away' she said, averting her eyes and holding her hand over them, at the same time. 'I don't need to see it'.

'Well try knocking next time' Merlin grumbled. 'I'm out of here, anyway'.

'Good. Because I need a word with my trusty assistant… as soon as she gets dressed, that is!'

'Trusty assistant, eh?' Camilla commented, as she draped her silk robe over her shoulders and pulled it tight across her chest. 'You weren't singing that tune, down in the dungeon'.

'I'm over that' Eris said, waving a dismissive hand. 'Besides, you were right. I haven't done anything remotely worthy of being called a God since I've been here. But all that's about to change. I'm going to make sure Uther Pendragon never gets to rule Come-a-lot, again'.

'And how are you going to do that?' Camilla asked, getting out of Merlin's bed and searching the floor for her underwear. 'Your magic doesn't seem to work, here'.

'I've got a plan' Eris told her. 'Just you wait and see. The Leylands are going to help me stage a coup, the likes of which no one has seen since, well… the last one in Fiji'.

'Do the Leylands know this?' Camilla asked. 'They're good friends of Uther's. What makes you think they're going to align themselves with his bitter enemy?'

'Because they're greedy, that's why' Eris answered. 'I've had dealings with them in the past. That Mike Leyland would sell his own grandmother's burial plot for a few measly bucks. And the daughter… Jesus , what a piece of work she is'.

'There's a daughter?' Camilla asked. 'I didn't see one when their wagon rolled in, this morning'.

'That's because she has a slight tendency to sleep late' Eris said, smirking. 'Typical teenager, really. Except completely evil. I knew there was something I liked about that girl'.

'What's she like?'

'Bella Swan with a set of big, hairy balls, that's what' Eris replied. 'Oh, don't worry, the balls are metaphorical. Word is, she's already got Arthur in her sights. I overheard a conversation between Morgana and Gwen earlier. The little skank – Beatrix, I mean – actually had the audacity to kiss the prince on the palace steps'.

Everyone knew that laying one's hands on royalty in a public place was a social no-no in Come-a-lot, except on those rare occasions Uther had himself a girlfriend. Somehow the rules of etiquette – even ones that have been around for centuries – didn't seem to apply to the king.

'Wow' said Camilla. 'So what's the plan?'

Eris rolled her eyes, dramatically. 'Honestly, Camilla! Sometimes you have no imagination! What do you get when you cross a distracted king, a hypnotist and a couple of scheming bitches?'

'Hey, I'm not a bitch' Camilla protested.

'I was talking about myself and Beatrix, you nong' said Eris. 'I see the next queen of Come-a-lot as a young Kristen Stewart lookalike, with plenty of attitude to spare'.

Camilla frowned. 'What about Gwen? She's Arthur's one true love'.

'Gwen's going to find herself distracted, soon enough' said Eris, mysteriously. 'Trust me'.

'Hm' said Camilla, doubtfully. 'You've said that before – and nothing good's ever come of it'.

Eris tilted her head to the side. 'You're getting awfully full of yourself since you started humping Big Ears the stable boy! Looks like I might be in the market for a new Girl Friday, soon enough'.

Camilla threw herself at Eris's feet. 'Oh please, please my lady' she begged. 'Don't cast me out. I didn't mean it…'

'Oh, get up and stop slobbering all over my Manolos' said Eris. 'I was just kidding. But I'd get a major attitude adjustment, if I were you. Pretty soon your head's not going to fit through the door'. Speaking of the door, Eris turned and walked back through it, her mind on the sales pitch she was going to hit the Leylands with. Everything was going to run like clockwork, or Eris would damn well make it so!

Arthur was moping about up in his chambers, not really feeling very hungry, although lunch wasn't far away. He wondered briefly what Beatrix/Bella was up to, and whether he'd get into trouble for not escorting her around the palace. His father had not seen him sneak in through the front entrance after Gwen had slammed the door of the servant's quarters in his face, no, the old man was too busy playing gin rummy with his guests and toking on a huge Stogie. Arthur was willing to bet he'd order in a couple of exotic dancers for later on, to thank the Leylands for the night's entertainment. The old boy might have a lot of faults, Arthur thought, but you couldn't say he wasn't generous when the mood struck him. Pity it didn't strike him more often. Especially on the topic of royalty boffing their servants…

Suddenly the door to Arthur's chambers flew open, and Gwen rushed in.

Arthur got to his feet, immediately. He had pulled off his red vest and brown work shirt, and was naked to the waist, planning on climbing into bed and sulking for the remainder of the day. Until now…

'Where is the little slag?' Gwen asked. 'I thought she was with you'.

'In here?' Arthur looked insulted. 'With me? Is that what you really think of me?'

Gwen stopped for a moment and looked around. 'Then where is she?'

'How the hell should I know? Little vixen went off to get herself some quality ganja, and a horse, last I heard from her. Do you know she hates riding side saddle? What a tomboy'.

'Arthur' said Gwen, calming down. 'All girls hate riding side-saddle'.

'Really?'

'Yes! It's incredibly difficult, for one thing! And what do you do when the horse bolts? Fall backwards and get clobbered by horse-hooves? No thanks! Anyway, don't change the subject'.

Arthur looked puzzled. 'What was the subject, exactly?'

Gwen bit her lip. 'I think I owe you an apology'.

Arthur smirked. 'Really? What for?'

'For jumping to conclusions, earlier. I should have known that you would never knowingly hurt me like that. I had a D&M with Morgana, and she…'

'Oh I see' said Arthur, suddenly. 'You couldn't come to the conclusion that I wasn't lying to you, by yourself. You had to have someone point it out to you. Great, Gwen. That's just great'.

'That's not what I mean! I…'

'Forget it, Gwen. If you can't trust me, then what's the point?'

'Arthur…' Gwen pleaded, tears running down her cheeks. 'I love you'.

'You've got a fine way of showing it, haven't you?' the prince ranted. 'You'd rather accuse me of cheating on you with some little Bella Swan wannabe, than face up to your feelings about me! You know, Beatrix might be a manipulative, scheming little troll, but at least she's honest about what she likes and doesn't like'.

'And she likes you, from what I saw' Gwen managed to remind him, amidst her tears. 'I just don't have a chance against someone like her, do I? After all, her father and yours are buddies from Eton! I'm sure Uther would much rather you marry a Leyland than a lowly servant girl, like me'.

'Marry? Beatrix? You've got to be kidding, don't you?'

'You can bet that's what your father's thinking' Gwen told him. 'She might be young, but she's of noble blood, and that's far more acceptable to Uther than his only son and heir marrying a commoner, much less a palace servant'.

'Gwen' Arthur crossed the wide expanse between them in a few short steps, and tilted her chin up to face him. 'The only woman I'm even considering marrying is you. Even if I have to wait until my father is dead and buried, it's going to happen. Got it?'

Gwen blinked away her tears and managed a smile. 'Yes, My Lord' she said, happily.

'Now come here' Arthur ordered, 'And give your Lord a big, sloppy kiss'.

Gwen giggled. 'Oh Arthur' she said. 'Gross!'

Meanwhile, Morgana had gone looking for Merlin. She simply had to know, one way or another, what his feelings were. It was driving her bat-shit, sitting around all day, combing her hair and looking out the window like some damned Rapunzel waiting for her man to show up. Sure, he had a girlfriend, but if his true feelings lay somewhere else, wasn't it kinder to Camilla to dump her now, rather than later?

Knocking on Merlin's door, Morgana tried to appear calm and in control, but it was hard. She knew now what she wanted. Her destiny was to let Merlin unlock her chastity belt. Why else would Gwen have slipped up and told her the truth? It was fate, plain and simple!

So when Camilla opened the door in her best lacy camisole and knickers, Morgana almost fainted in shock. She didn't know the pair had gotten that serious with each other!

'Yes?' asked Camilla. 'Oh… Hello, Morgana. Were you looking for Gaius?'

'Actually, I was looking for Merlin' Morgana replied, once she'd recovered from the shock of the knowledge that Merlin and Camilla were lovers. She couldn't, however, recover from the stab of jealousy she felt, just thinking about it!

'He's out, preparing Arthur's armour for the jousting tourney later' Camilla informed her. 'Was there something I could do for you?'

'Uh… No, it's fine' Morgana lied. 'I'll just come back later'.

'Okay' said Camilla. 'I'll let him know you were looking for him'.

You do that, Morgana thought, bristling on the inside. Unless I get to him, first!

Arthur won the jousting tourney, of course. Gwen wondered whether there was any real point to holding one, since everyone knew Arthur was going to win. She smiled to herself, thinking about the make-up sex they'd had earlier, and blushed, then remembered she was sitting among lots of people who might wonder what the hell she was thinking, so she decided to go to Arthur's tent, just outside the arena to congratulate him in private. When she got there, a most unwelcome sight greeted her. Beatrix, or Bella, or whatever her name was, was standing outside the tent pigsucking a hand-rolled joint and looking rather pleased with her self. 'You're Gwen, right?'

'Yes. And you're the skank with her hands all over my man this morning' Gwen replied, icily. 'I've a good mind to tell the king you've been shoplifting. He'll have you in the stocks, in no time'.

'Just on your word?' sneered Beatrix. 'I doubt that, somehow. He's not too keen on you two shagging like rabbits. Which is where I come in'.

Gwen frowned. 'Why would you want to help us?'

'An alibi, you daft twat! I tell our fathers that Arthur and I are seeing each other, they'll be so happy, they'll bend over backwards to give us alone-time. Then, you can sneak away whenever you get the urge – and I'll bet that's pretty often, with that gawjuss, hawt piece of meat in there…'

'His name's Arthur, and he's worth more to me than just what he can give me in bed' Gwen replied. 'But go on'.

Beatrix rolled her brown eyes; then continued. 'Anyway, Arthur's my cover, all right?'

'Cover for what?'

Beatrix leaned in close. 'Don't tell anyone, but I'm in a gang'.

Gwen's eyes widened. 'What sort of gang?'

'A girl gang! Don't tell my dad though, 'cause he'd go mental, and want to move again. We're always moving. A week is the longest we've stayed in one area, and now I've made friends here, I don't want to leave. But if he found out what we've been doing…'

'What have you been doing?' Gwen asked, intrigued.

'Well, our gang's called the Pussycat Molls, see, and…'

But she couldn't finish her sentence because Arthur walked out of the tent, free of his chain mail and looking hot and sweaty, just the way Gwen liked him. She put a possessive arm around her man and glanced at Beatrix/Bella meaningfully. 'We'll have to continue this conversation later' she said. 'Nice to meet you, Bella'.

Beatrix/Bella's hand-rolled joint fell out of her mouth as she watched Arthur and Gwen join the festivities inside the arena. Did she just call me Bella? Maybe she's not so bad, after all…

Mike and Mal Leyland waited until Uther had finished his fourth shot of Jack Daniels on the rocks, and was nice and relaxed. There was an hour to go until the dinner feast and official demonstration of Mike's hypnosis skills, but they couldn't risk trying to place the king under hypnotic suggestion with so many witnesses. Besides, there was the unfortunate side effect of putting the rest of the audience under, as well. It required a delicate balance of skill and organisation to pull off a show like those of famed hypnotists around the world – the kind who make random audience members cluck like chickens. No, this was a delicate operation, indeed!

Mike sat in front of a sleepy looking Uther and pulling out a watch on a fob chain, swung it in front of the king's eyes. 'You are getting veeeeeery sleepy…'

Morgana spotted Merlin in the crowd. He was standing by the cake stall, sampling some of the local bakery's new range of snot blocks. Despite the fact that he had custard dribbling down his chin, Morgana thought he looked quite cute. Handsome, even. Oh crap, she thought. What is happening to me?

'Merlin' she said as she approached, and smiled as Merlin almost dropped the vanilla slice in alarm. 'I didn't do it!' he cried.

'Didn't do what?'

'Uh… whatever I'm being blamed for?'

'You're not being blamed for anything, Merlin' Morgana laughed. 'Actually… I was looking for you because I wanted to talk to you'.

Merlin shoved the last of the snot block into his mouth, chewed a couple of times and swallowed it whole. In seconds, his face had turned from a pale grey to a faint purple, and he was holding his throat.

'Oh dear!' said Morgana, panicking. Then she remembered something she'd seen the Lifestyle Channel, and, standing behind Merlin, wrapped her arms around his skinny torso, and performed the Heimlich manoeuvre on him. She had to do it three or four times before the last of the slice fell out of his mouth onto the ground, and the poor guy collapsed beside the mess, tears streaming from his eyes. 'Thank you' he tried to tell Morgana, before passing out.

Gaius, Arthur and Gwen ran over. 'What's wrong with Merlin?' Gaius asked. 'Is he sleeping on the job, again?'

'He almost choked on a vanilla slice' Morgana informed him.

Arthur had to stifle a laugh. 'How do you choke on a vanilla slice? Although I suppose, if anyone's going to manage it, it'll be Merlin'.

Gaius checked Merlin's vitals, then took a small bottle out of the little drawstring bag he always carried. 'What's that?' asked Gwen.

'Smelling salts' Gaius replied. 'It'll wake him right up'. He held the open bottle under Merlin's nose, and the boy sat up like he'd been hit with a bolt of lightning. 'What?' he exclaimed. 'Who? Where? When?'

'You've had a nasty spell, Merlin' said Gaius. 'You nearly choked to death. Morgana here probably saved your life'.

'Huh?'

'You don't remember any of it?' Morgana asked. 'Probably a good thing'. She turned to Gaius. 'You're probably really busy, with the festivities and all. Why don't I see him to his chambers?'

'Okay' said Gaius. 'I do have to see to a few of the villagers, as a matter of fact'.

Morgana and Arthur helped Merlin up, and saw him to his room. Once he was laid out on his bed, Uther's ward turned to his son.

'I'll see to him' she promised. 'I needed to speak to him about something, anyway'.

'Okay' said Arthur, shrugging. 'I'll see you at dinner?'

Morgana nodded. 'Oh' she said, 'If you see Camilla, could you please stall her? I really need to talk to Merlin, and frankly, it's none of her business'.

Arthur nodded. 'Be careful, Morgana' he said, with a grin. 'Any more subterfuge and you'll have me curious. What do you have to talk to Merlin about so urgently?'

'That would be none of your business, Arthur Pendragon' said Morgana, with a Mona Lisa Smile. Arthur walked to the door and just before closing it, spotted his adoptive sister take Merlin by the hand. Realising the door hadn't been closed yet, Morgana looked up. 'Out, Arthur' she commanded.

Arthur closed the door, and went back outside to find Gwen.

'Merlin'

He opened his eyes slowly to a blurry vision of Morgana sitting on the side of his bed. 'Morg…'

'Don't try to talk just yet' she advised him. 'I was just worried. You fell asleep again. I had to wake you up. You hit your head pretty hard when you passed out, earlier. I thought you might have concussion.'

'I'm fine' he assured her. 'Where's Camlla?'

'Busy' Morgana said, quickly. 'Merlin… I need to ask you something, and I need you to answer me, honestly. Can you do that?'

Merlin tried to sit up, but Morgana pushed him back onto the pillows. 'Just relax' she said. 'So, will you answer my question?'

'That depends what it is' Merlin said, cryptically.

Morgana bit her lip. 'See… the thing is… I've been told… well, it's just a theory, really, but you never know with these things…'

"Morgana?'

'Yes?'

'Spit it out'. Merlin smiled at her. 'You look really nervous'.

'Do you like me, Merlin? I mean, are you in love with me? Because it would be okay if you were…'

Merlin's brow puckered, puzzled. 'Where would you have gotten that idea?'

'Um… Nowhere'.

Merlin narrowed his blue eyes. 'Are you sure?'

'So it's not true, then?' asked Morgana, feeling a funny sinking feeling in her stomach.

'Well… no, but that's not to say that I don't think you're beautiful! I do, I just… don't want to do anything about it. I'm with Camilla, you see…'

'Of course' said Morgana, struggling to make sure her voice didn't betray her feelings. 'I don't know how I could have gotten it so wrong…'

'Are you okay, Morgana?' Merlin asked, concerned. 'Your voice has gone all funny'.

He looked so concerned for her, and so sweet, that Morgana just couldn't stand it. She threw her hands over her face and burst into tears. 'It's never going to happen' she managed to sob. 'I should just accept it'.

'What's never going to happen?'

'What do you think? My chastity belt, you buffoon! It's never going to come off! I've been waiting my entire life for a man good enough to crack the damn thing open, but so far they've all been lecherous pretenders, who've been too scared of Uther to try and save me from eternal virginity! Galahad included!'

'I thought he was right in with a chance' said Merlin. 'Why would you think I was the one? I'm not even a knight'.

'You don't have to be a knight. Just brave' said Morgana, wiping her eyes. 'Arthur's practically my brother, plus he's got Gwen, and Galahad's not really my type. Gawain's a complete tosser, and Lancelot's gone – somewhere. Plus he's lusting after Gwen as well! Why won't any man fight for me? Am I so terrible that no one wants me?'

'Of course not' said Merlin. 'You're beautiful, like I said'.

Morgana was sure she heard hesitation in his voice. 'But?'

'But…' Merlin said, biting his lip, 'There is just one little thing'.

'I knew it!' said Morgana. 'What?'

'Your pet dragon' said Merlin, taking Morgana by surprise. 'After most of the knights heard that you'd set him on Mab and Henry, not to mention the king himself, they've been a little… well, reluctant to approach you. You're not exactly down-to-earth, you know. Plus they're kind of scared shitless of being turned into a dragon shish-kebab'.

Morgana sighed with relief. 'Is that all? Thank god! I was starting to think I had some major flaw, like bad breath or BO or something'.

'Of course not' said Merlin. 'But the dragon sure as hell does'.

That did the trick. Morgana wiped her eyes and laughed. 'Okay' she said, 'I'll send him on a long errand! I just really want a boyfriend. You understand, right, Merlin?'

'Uh… well, maybe not the boyfriend part, but I get that you're lonely'.

Morgana leaned forward and kissed Merlin on the cheek. 'You're a doll' she told him. 'And I'm officially cured'.

Merlin sat up on his bed after she left, his cheeks warm from being kissed by the gorgeous Morgana. Cured? He thought. Cured of what?

The dinner crowd were getting rowdy. The main course had been served and there was no sign of the Leyland Brothers, nor any indication that they were going to put on a show. Uther, who was more absent minded than usual lately, was too busy counting his peas to realise his guests of honour were missing, until Gawain got up and whispered in his ear.

'That's what this whole dinner is about, Sire' he finished. 'Remember?' He couldn't believe the state of Come-a-lot's king. The guy was acting like monkeys had performed a half-arsed lobotomy on him. Counting his peas and reciting (in an off-key voice) "Sing a Song of Sixpence". Gawain was starting to wonder if the king had been at Gaius's secret stash of happy plants!

'Ah, here they are' said Galahad, tugging on Gawain's sleeve. 'The Leylands have arrived'.

'Finally' exclaimed Gawain. 'I was starting to think we'd have an angry mob on our hands'.

The slightly disgruntled (but not angry) mob settled down once Mal Leyland started his spiel about hypnosis and how his brother could make grown men suck their thumbs and crawl along the floor like babies. Then he asked for a volunteer from the audience.

Of course this had to be the point where Uther put his hand up. 'Oh, me, me' he said, like an excited five year old. 'Hypnotise me'.

'We already have, you moron' said Mike Leyland, from between clenched teeth.

'We can't do it again, can we?' Mal asked, in a low voice. 'Won't that bugger up the first suggestion?'

'What do you mean, we?' Mike hissed. 'And yes, anything's possible. I am not going to publically hypnotise the king! Who knows what he could divulge while under? Like the fact that we asked him for the location of the keys to his dungeon safe!'

'Ssh' warned Mal. 'The crowd are settling down. They'll hear you'.

'I think you might prefer to sit and watch, My Lord' said Mike, quickly. 'After all, we wouldn't want you giving away any state secrets, now, would we?'

Uther smiled mindlessly. 'Oh, yes, of course. I forgot about that'.

Over to the left of the king's table, Eris had heard this comment and was filthy mad. Those two-bit conmen, she thought, bristling. They're no better than a couple of amateur magicians! They promised me… Eris was getting so mad that all her plans to dethrone the king had been dashed that she didn't realise she was glowing a bright lilac colour. People on either side of her turned and stepped back, shocked. A few women started to scream like obsessed Edward Cullen fangirls. Uther turned to see what the commotion was, and then all of a sudden, something even stranger than the purple hue started to happen. All of Eris's anger and frustration about her complete magical impotence in Come-a-lot seemed to ignite a power in the Goddess that was like watching pure lightning strike. People averted their eyes, threw arms across their faces, even ducked under the tables. Uther didn't, though. He was staring up at the Goddess with wonder on his face. He looked like a kid at Christmas time, waking up to find half of Toys R Us sitting under his Christmas tree. 'Pretty' he said, putting his hands together and smiling inanely. 'Pretty like a star'.

'What the hell happened to your old man?' asked Gwen of Arthur. 'He's acting like a two year old'.

'I don't know'

Uther stood up and moved toward Eris. 'I like the pretty lights' he said, his eyes growing wider the closer he got.

'Father' cried Arthur, worried about what would happen when his old man got close enough to touch the electrified Goddess. Gawain bravely threw himself at the King, as he was the closest knight at hand, but Uther just swatted him away like a fly. Arthur stared at the phenomenon, shocked to the core. What the hell was going on? What had that third rate deity done to his old man? And while we're on the subject, what was happening to her?

The young prince's eyes scanned the room. The only people not watching Uther were watching the bright, dazzling form of Eris, who was not only shining but floating about thirty centimetres from the floor. Camilla, sitting beside Merlin, was the only person who didn't seem surprised. Arthur left his seat and rushed over to her. 'You know what's going on, don't you?' he asked, through clenched teeth, as he grabbed her upper arm and pulled her to her feet. 'Don't you?'

'Yes' Camilla admitted. 'I know what's happening'.

'Well – what is it? And more importantly, how can we stop it? My old man's acting like a five year old. He can't stay like that. It'll totally ruin St Patricks' Day'.

Camilla sighed. 'Eris has found her powers. I don't know how – someone here must have started believing in her. That's the only way her abilities can work in an all Christian environment. If we were all pagans, she'd be unstoppable. But we're not… or rather, you're not'.

'So… who started believing in her?'

Camilla glanced over at Uther, who was standing mere inches away from the still catatonic, shimmering Eris. Every now and then a burst of light like a lightning strike would go through her, making her shake.

'What's that light?' Arthur wanted to know. 'And what's she doing to my father?'

'He started believing in her' Camilla explained. 'I'm not sure how, but I'm guessing hypnotic suggestion might have had something to do with it'.

'Hypnotic…' Arthur started to say, and turned to face the Leyland Brothers, who looked like they wanted to be anywhere but here. The future king of Come-a-lot strode over to his father's former Eton room-mates.

'Did one of you two hypnotise my father and turn him into the village idiot? Speak up, now, or you'll be both forever being holding your pieces – between your hands, in your coffins'.

Mike closed his mouth and stared down at his feet, but Mal was more forthcoming. 'We uh… just wanted him to have a good time' the pudgy illusionist stammered. 'He didn't like our friend Eris, so we thought we'd uh… fix the situation. We didn't think we were harming him'.

'You two could have done untold damage' Arthur raged. 'What if this can't be undone? I'm not having my old man grinning like a cretin and singing nursery rhymes for the rest of his days! Fix it! Now!'

'Arthur' Gwen said, grabbing her love by the arm. 'Can we talk?'

'Not now, Gwen. Can't you see I'm busy' Arthur snapped.

Gwen narrowed her eyes. 'Talk to me now, or miss me forever'.

Arthur could see that she was serious, and allowed her to drag him out of earshot. 'Honestly, Gwen, this is not a good time' he started to say, but she put a finger up to his lips to shush him. 'Think about it, Arthur' she said. 'Your dad is truly happy for the first time in years! I haven't seen him smile so much since Ke&ha sang to him and sat on his lap! Do you really want to turn him into the grumpy, combative tyrant we've always known, or do you want to see him innocent and happy, forever?'

Arthur chewed on this for a few minutes. Tortured by indecision, he glanced around at everyone in the room. Most were gazing in wonder at Eris, but the others were watching their king, probably wondering what the hell he was on, and where they could get some.

Finally he looked back at Gwen. 'What if he stays like that forever? What if he no longer recognises me as his son?'

'Ask him if he knows who you are' said Gwen. 'He's right over there'.

Arthur approached his father, hesitantly. 'Father?'

'Arthur' said Uther, in a daze of excitement. 'Look at the pretty light! And the pretty lady! She looks all lit up, like a firefly…'

'Yes, Father. It's… very pretty' said Arthur. Turning back to Gwen, he winced. 'I can't leave him like that'.

'Well, if you can figure out how to change him back to his old, grumpy, hate-filled self, go ahead' said Gwen, shrugging. 'But he's happy for the first time in years, Arthur. And… this could be a good thing. Not only for him, but for everyone! What would you prefer; a cranky, warmongering old man with no sense of humour, who has people executed for the slightest thing, let alone using magic – or a peaceful, happy father, who finds the simplest things in life a joy? Think about it, Arthur. Really'.

Just as Arthur was about to answer, Merlin interrupted the silence. 'Uh… just in case no one's noticed, the Leyland Brothers have taken off! They're gone'.

Arthur, Gwen, Morgana and the knights of the Kind-of-Round-but-Slightly-Oblong-table all glanced at the centre of the room at the same time. It was true. The Leyland Brothers were gone. All that was left in the place where their trick table had been were a few spilled gems…

Next…

Will justice catch up with The Leyland Brothers?

Will Arthur have his father restored to his normal, narrow-minded self?

And will Gaius and Morgana ever find true love? (Although, not with each other, because that would be both creepy and wrong… not to mention gross!).

Stay tuned for the final instalment of The Misadventures of Merlin, where all your questions (and hopefully mine) will be answered…