Part 3
He's on his third cup of coffee when Violet finally comes in.
"Hey, Coop."
"Is she..."
"Sleeping."
"On the couch?"
"In the bed, but she might not stay there. I have to warn you, this might be a bad night."
"What happened, Violet? What the hell happened to her today?"
"Well, this patient who came in, this girl, it triggered her. And she's reliving it."
He winces. "I knew it. As soon as Addison told me what the injuries were, I..."
"No, Coop, not the attack itself. She's reliving what happened after. Pete finding her. Addison coming in. The forensic nurse, the exam that Addison did. Everything that happened that night, she's playing it through in her head over and over again, and she couldn't stop the loop."
"Oh my god..."
"Cooper, she's an incredibly strong person. But she was triggered, and on stuff she's been repressing for a good couple weeks here, so it hit hard. Flashbacks, they aren't just pictures. They can be sounds, they can be feelings, they can be sensations..."
"Sensations? Like pain?"
"Like pain. Like panic. Like craving..."
He absorbs that for a moment. "Is she still...right now?"
"Maybe. Hard to say. She wasn't completely with it for the entire conversation, and as soon as she got her footing again, her defenses kicked in and she shut it all down. She's good at putting on the brave face. But Cooper, I need you to understand just what it is that's happened. This is like the psych equivalent of a heart attack or an aneurysm here. If you'd brought her to the ER like this, they would have admitted her."
"You're scaring me, Violet."
"You should be scared. I'm sorry. I know how hard this is for you, believe me, I do. But she's the patient here, Cooper. She's priority number one. So I am telling you straight, because you have to deal with this."
"She is absolutely priority number one. Violet, just tell me what to do. I'll do anything."
"Well, I'm guessing she won't let you have her admitted."
"Hell no."
"And she's refused medication, which would be option number two. Not much you can do except let her rest and encourage her to do something stable and relaxing. This Addison thing could be a problem."
"She told you about that?"
"No, Addison did. And it does explain why what happened today was such a strong trigger for her. But it worries me, because I think there's more to it. I'm worried that there might be some transference going on."
"Some what, now?"
"Transference. Look at it this way. They aren't filing charges. Right?"
"Right..."
"So, the rapist, he won't be punished. He caused all this pain for her, and she won't get to see him have any consequences. But then, we have Addison, who was there too, who hurt her too- albeit with good intentions, but still..."
"And she can still be punished," he realizes with a sick feeling. "And she can still have consequences."
"Exactly."
"Geez, Violet. They work together."
"Well, they can't right now, if this is what's happening- it would be hell for Charlotte, and no picnic for Addison either. It'll have to be dealt with, though. Their specialties at the practice intersect, and Charlotte is her chief of staff at the hospital. They may need some mediation on this. We'll have to bring in some other people."
"She'll hate that."
"Yes, she will. We're not quite there yet, though. Look, just focus on the moment, for the time being. You may have a tough night, but she'll be steadier come morning, I think. If she's not, you'll need to call me. Or someone."
"You," he decides. "I know it's not optimal, given your...your history with her, and with me. But you know the deal already, so that's easier, isn't it?"
"Well, that's a conversation you have to have with her, Coop. What's setting her off is feeling like she's having choices imposed on her by other people. She's already been violated, in more than one sense. She has to start feeling like she can control this process. And Cooper, it would help you -help both of you, actually- if you could start saying the actual word."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm hearing 'the deal' and 'the situation' and 'what happened' an awful lot from you two. There's a word for it, Coop. And you won't start coming to terms with this until you say it."
He flinches, not quite sure he can go there yet. "Like you said. Let's just focus on the moment for the time being."
"Coop, do you...do you want me to stay tonight? For her? For you?"
He does, he really does, but he senses that Charlotte really needs just him right now. Whatever he's feeling about this is secondary. He'll square up his own issues with Sheldon once Charlotte is back on her feet.
He goes into the bedroom, and sees at once that Violet was exaggerating when she said Charlotte was 'sleeping.' She's in the bed, that's the only truthful part. And she isn't still. She's on her back when he comes in, but then her body twitches and she falls to her side, hands grasping at the side of the pillow, fingers squeezing around it as she tries to stop shaking…
"Babe?"
She's crying, underneath the clenched eyes, and he lies down beside her, careful to position himself so that nothing touches.
"Charlotte? I'm here, sweetie, I'm here."
She's still shaking. He holds out a hand, gently strokes the side of her finger. "I'm here," he says again. "Where...are you?"
She takes a deep, shuddering breath, then rolls onto her back again, the moment over. "I'm fine," she says.
"Okay. And a second ago?"
"I wasn't fine."
"Can you give me a little more to go on here?"
She sighs, props herself up on her elbows. "Okay. We do this once. And that's it for tonight, you get me?"
"Char..."
"No. Promise me. We talk once, and then you leave it. No matter what I do."
"It helps. It helps to talk sometimes."
"And sometimes, it doesn't. Sometimes, all it does is make you feel guilty and weak and sick about what's happened. I can't...can't deal with that, on top of the rest of it. Please, just promise me. One night without all that crap."
"Whatever you need. I'm here for you, Char."
"I know you are. And that's real chivalrous. So. What did you want to know?"
"I want to know where you're at right now, in your head and everything. Charlotte, Violet told me...she said..."
"Violet says a lot of things."
"Did she tell you? What she thought was happening here?"
"She said a lot of things to try and make me think she knew how I was feeling. Then she said a lot of other things to try and get me taking medication. I set her straight."
"I bet you did. But was any of what she told you maybe true? About the rest of it?"
She sighs. "What do you want me to say, Coop? You want me to tell you this is about Addison? You want me to tell you it's about the rat bastard DA? You want to hear that this is about you and me and how I feel like you're gonna leave me if just one more thing sets all of this off again? What, Coop? What do you want to hear? Cause I'll say it, if that will make this end..."
"I am NOT going to leave you."
"Let's not talk about that now."
"You're right," he says. "You know what, you're right. This, us, tonight, right now...it's not about any of these other, bigger issues. We can deal with those, later. But right now, what I'm worried about is you, in this moment, being in a place in your head that's scary for you. Or feeling any kind of pain right now, or cravings, or fears..."
"All of those things."
"Okay. So, can you tell me? Can you tell me what's happening, just in this moment now?"
"Just playing it, I guess. Hoping that when I get to the end of the loop, it'll stop this time. But then that girl comes in, and it starts all over again, and she's there, and I'm there, and it's all mixed in..."
"That girl...you mean the patient you and Addison had? The one who came into the ER today?"
"Amber. Her name is Amber."
"She had the same injuries you did."
"Uh huh. And she had Addison too, putting her through the rest of it. Coop, it doesn't matter that she's gentle. It doesn't matter that she's not him. It still hurts, what she does. Hurts worse, when you're still aching from the rest of it..."
He winces, but soldiers on, suddenly getting an idea. "I understand. Char, would it help a little, if I went in tomorrow, checked on the girl? I could probably worm my way in as a pedes consult, see how she's doing..."
But he's lost her again. She's gripping the pillow again, fingers squeezing tight, eyes squeezing shut even tighter,,,
"Baby? Char, are you..."
"Wait," she says.
Then her hands fall free and she turns over again, drops her face into the pillow. He puts his head back down too, lies with her. Waits for her to look at him again. Waits for her to breathe.