Part 4
He lies there beside her for awhile, and he doesn't sleep either. He's too aware of her, pretending to sleep, drifting in and out on him. He thinks she's getting some actual rest, a half hour or so here and there, in odd snatches. But whatever she's seeing in her head is damned distracting, because she inevitably stirs, flinches a little, flexes her hands into and out of a fist. Sometimes, she turns over, kicks the sheets away, can't get comfortable. And other times -the worst times, for him- she just lies there, staring at the ceiling and stoically enduring.
He feels a little cheated, that he got so little out of the one conversation she deigned to allow him. But maybe Violet is right and that is the point where a therapist comes in. And really, what can he expect her to say? A bad thing happened. She has memories and she has injuries and her life will never be the same. Is there anything she can say -anything he could say- that would make any of this feel better right now?
Somewhere in the vicinity of two a.m, he senses her shift beside him, turn her attention his way.
"Coop?"
"Char?"
"Can I say a few things?"
"Of course you can."
"Okay. So, it does help, what you're doing now. Wanted you to know that before we did anything else."
"I'm not doing anything except just laying here with you."
"I know. And that's a comfort, feeling you there. I know you have this caveman side that just loves doing..."
"Cro-magnon," he smiles.
"Yeah. Well, this just being here, that can be enough too."
"I'm glad."
"Coop, if you do want something to do, you can tell me...well, it's a big ask. But I feel...well, a lot of things, actually. But one of them is guilty, because I know this is not the relationship you signed up for, and..."
"Don't even think that."
"But I do think it. I know it, Coop. I know what we had before. And I can't give you that right now. So I guess I need you to either forgive me and promise to stick around, even if it takes awhile, or else just admit it's never gonna be the same and leave me now, before I start leaning on you."
He's stunned she's saying this. Stunned Sheldon or Violet didn't warn him this would happen...
"I am not leaving you."
"So tell me that you forgive me. And promise me that even though it'll be different, it could still be good again. Promise me you'll stick with me until we get it there."
"Charlotte..."
"Say it, Coop. One way or the other, say it right now."
"I promise you. Charlotte, sweetheart, I promise you. I'm not leaving."
"It might take awhile."
"I know it might."
"I might be nasty. Might not always treat you right."
"I'm ready for that."
"Might not touch you. Might not want you touching me."
"I know."
"And if you do promise, and then you leave me anyway, you'll ruin me forever. You know that, right?"
"Char..."
"Fine, that's not a fair one. You said it. I accept."
"So, anything else you want to tell me? While we're talking like this?"
"Yes. I'm having a bit of a problem right now."
"Okay..."
"I've been lying here all night watching this all play out over and over again, and I should be sad or I should be scared, but I think I'm not anymore. I'm angry, Coop. I'm so angry I feel like jumping out of my skin cause I want to hit something so bad, and I don't know what to do with this."
"Oh, sweetie..."
"So, you got any brilliant ideas? Cause honestly, right now, I feel like I'm going a little crazy..."
She sounds like she's almost crying, and his heart melts. "Okay. Can I call someone? Violet, maybe?"
She flinches. "Not Violet. No."
"Can I call Sheldon? He's been...he's very soothing. I've been seeing him some."
"You have?"
"Just trying to be there for you. Deal with my end of this. It's helping."
"Fine. Sheldon."
He calls now. He knows what time it is, but he calls now. He's less than a minute into the story before he has Sheldon in a car, on the way over.
He's gotten Charlotte dressed, and while he can't quite get her settled enough to eat, he eventually manages to get a bottle of water in her hands, and he has her sipping it through a straw while she frantically paces. She's full of this weird nervous energy he's never seen in her, and she can't keep still. Even when she stops, when he makes her stop and have another sip of water, her hands shake and her fingers curl into fists that look like they're about to pop off of her.
This is how Sheldon finds them when he finally gets there and lets himself in.
"Good morning," Sheldon says pleasantly.
Charlotte scowls, but puts down the water, stops the pacing. "Hi, Sheldon."
"Good morning, Cooper."
"Yeah. Thanks for coming."
"I'm always happy to help a friend. Well, Charlotte. Did you want to sit in here? Or is there somewhere else we could go?"
"Can't sit," she says.
He turns to Sheldon. "She's, um, been a little jumpy..."
Sheldon nods, tugs his arm. "You holding?" he asks in a low whisper.
"A little freaked out."
"That's perfectly understandable. Her first, then you, okay? I won't leave you with this. But I have to see to her first."
"Absolutely."
He goes back into the bedroom, starts picking things up. That's one thing he has in common with her right now, he has to stay busy. He strips the bed, remakes it with different sheets. Puts the rest of it in the laundry basket. He walks around and picks up other stuff, a discarded sweater, loose socks, a tie. He hangs what can be hung. Puts the rest of it in the basket with the sheets.
He's picked up her pile of magazines -medical journal and otherwise- and is sorting them into neat piles, when Sheldon comes in. Alone.
"Charlotte?"
"She's better."
"How much better?"
"Cooper, you know this is not going to be instant."
"Did she tell you? What we talked about today?"
"I had my hands full with the immediate situation, Cooper."
"She's worried I'll leave her. She made me promise I wouldn't."
"That's a natural reaction. Did you do it?"
"Without hesitation. So, what does that tell you?"
"It tells me that you love her, and that you recognize this is going to be a process here. One you'll both have to work for."
"Okay. So, what next?"
"Well, I've given her some phone numbers. I did not volunteer myself for therapy, since I'm seeing you already, and she didn't fish for it. I did ask if she would speak to Violet. She most emphatically said she would not."
"Really? But Violet is..."
"Violet is someone who's pushed her on this, who tried to say she understands. That hasn't gone over very well. She's angry, at a lot of things, a lot of people. Right now, I think Violet is one of them."
"Damn."
"She has a plan for today. She's going to a meeting with Amelia, and then she'll check out of a few of the names on that list I gave her. There are some therapists who specialize in this sort of thing. Support groups. Outlets for people in her situation. She'll do it, if it helps her."
"And the anger thing?"
"Expect that to keep popping up. She may lash out at you, Cooper. You need to be prepared for it. It'll probably be something insignificant that sets it off, and you'll have to do your best to not take it personally. But eventually, something will trigger it, and you can expect her to lash out."
"And what do I do when that happens?"
"Hope that she's had enough therapy by then to have learned some relaxation strategies."
"And if she hasn't?"
"Keep her away from Addison and Violet as much as possible, and keep things as generic and routine as you can here at home. Work on re-building that safe space for her again. Think about the things that have triggered her so far- they've been all about people or situations who were there for her that night. The exam that Addison did. The intrusion of Violet trying to confront her with what's happened. You want to keep things here as far as possible away from anything that happened on the night of her rape."
"But Sheldon, I was there too. That night of her...I was there too. So where does that leave me, in her hierarchy of people to be angry about?"
"That's the part you won't figure out until you trigger her, and she tells you. And she will. This will come out, Cooper, one way or the other. And won't be your fault and there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening. She has to work through this, and as she does, it will come out. This won't be easy for you."
"It's not about me."
"Well, with me, it can be. Remember that, will you? Cooper, I care about her. About both of you. I'm here, whenever you need me. Don't hesitate to call."
"I don't know what to say. Thanks, man."
"You'd do the same. Now, can you hook me up with some coffee? Least you can do after dragging me out of bed at this hour..."
They share a smile, and he sends Sheldon on his way a few minutes later. Charlotte's back in the bedroom again. Hiding out, he supposes. He braces himself, then goes in to see what the day will bring.