I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you. You wanna touch me too. Every way and when they set me free. Just put your hands on me...

JUSTIN P.O.V.
Dean didn't come home last night, and I was almost relieved this morning when I woke up to an empty apartment. Long after Brian was gone, I still kept thinking about him. It was not so bad talking to him… well… at least it wasn't so bad until he tried for the millionth time to fuck me. I don't even know why I got so angry at him. Maybe it was because in that moment I really needed a friend, or maybe it was just because I'm fucked up. Too much fucked up. Brian is gorgeous and smart and if I wanted to be fucked, he's the best I could get… but every time he's around, I get irritated, then he leaves, and I think about him trying to understand why we're not able to be civil around each other. It's not always so bad… maybe if he stopped trying to get in my pants, I wouldn't be so grumpy with him.

I sigh and open the diner door. Emmett, Ted, Michael and Ben are already sitting at one of the booths and I wave at them while going behind the counter. Brian is sitting on his usual stool reading the paper spread on the counter. I pick up my apron and tie it around my waist before turning around to grab the coffee pot. Something is off… different…
"If you're waiting for my usual greeting, it's not going to come."
That's it. His "Hey there Sunshine" followed by jokes that make me angry at him. I wonder if he does it on purpose.

I fill his empty cup and look at him and Brian just keeps staring at the same page of the newspaper.
"What's so interesting on the obituaries page?" I ask him and he looks up at me and he looks like shit. Like he didn't sleep or something.
"Nothing. Why?"
I arc an eyebrow. "You've been staring at the same page for the last ten minutes" I tell him nodding with my head towards the page opened in front of him.
He doesn't say anything and even if he would have said something, I was too distracted to hear him. Right there, in the middle of the page, there was my father's picture just under the title "CRAIG TAYLOR DIED LAST NIGHT AFTER A HEART ATTACK."

Is this how am I supposed to feel reading about my dad's death? Because I can't feel anything resentment, sadness… I feel numb and empty and…
"Justin? Justin? Are you ok?" I look at Brian.
"Yeah what?"
"I asked you for a sandwich."
I nod and walk towards the kitchen.
I keep seeing my father's picture in front of my eyes. So the bastard is dead and no one told me. Maybe I should be mad or… I don't know…. I just should feel something different from disinterest.

I put Brian's plate in front of him and sigh.
"Hey Debbie!" I call untying my apron and putting it away under the counter.
"What is it, Sunshine?" she asks serving one of the tables.
"I need to take the day off. Do you think that it's possible?"
I can feel Brian's eyes following me but for now, I don't want to think about him. So I walk over Debbie and she smiles at me.
"What happened?"
"I have a family emergency." Debbie raises an eyebrow and puts her hands on her hips.
"Family emergency?"
I close my eyes for a second and then, looking in her eyes, I say "My Dad died last night. I have to go there."
"When did your mother…"
"She didn't. I just read it in the newspaper."
Debbie pulls me in a tight embrace. "Go Sunshine and I'm sorry for what happened."
I nod and the pull back. "Thanks Deb. I'm going to call Dean so he'll come over."
"Sure."
Without looking back at Brian, I grab my jacket and leave the Diner.

************

I look up while Dean crosses the street to the park.
"Hey" he says sitting down next to me.
"Thanks for coming. Maybe you were doing something important…"
"No it's ok. I was at home when you called. I'd ask how you are, but knowing you and your family…"
"Is it bad that I don't feel sad for what happened to him?"
I turn my face to look at Dean and he sighs and shakes his head. "No. Not after the way he and your mother threatened you. When was the last time you saw them?"
"When I went away with Seth."
"I think that it's right the way you feel. I mean, ok he was your father, but you don't have to feel or react in a certain way just because it's what people would expect from you. We are each our own person. We feel in our own way."
I look at him and then smile. He's back to being my best friend. I thought that since I told him that I didn't want to be with him, not now at least, he would have pushed me away. I thought that maybe things would have been awkward, but I'm happy that now he's just being my best friend.
"Thanks, Dean."
"Not a problem Baby. So, I'll go to the diner now." He stands up and I nod. "Are you going to call me if you need anything?"
"Sure. Later."
I stand up and walk out of the park.

**************

I stood, hiding, just listening to the priest and dad's friends talking during the whole ceremony and I saw Molly and Mom sitting in the front crying. I wondered if maybe it was just because of me that I always thought that he was a bad father. Maybe with Molly he was great all the time, taking her out, playing with her, being proud of her… like he was before I decided to be gay, as my father always put it. And maybe I was distracted and didn't notice what a wonderful husband he was. Maybe I had a distorted image of him in my mind. Whatever it was, it made impossible for me to cry today.

I look towards the back door of the kitchen, wondering if I should go inside or not. What would it change?
I sigh. Nothing. It wouldn't change anything.

"Justin, is that you?" I hear the voice behind my back and I turn to see my sister standing there. We look at each other for a couple of minutes before she runs to hug me. I'm actually stunned at this display of affection. It has been almost seven years since the last time we saw each other and back then, she thought that Daddy was right kicking me out.

Molly pulls away and looks at me again with teary eyes. "I can't believe you came."
"I…"
"I know. You thought that I still hated you."
"Kind of. I though that I'd never been your brother again."
She seems even sadder for a second, but then just hugs me again. "Dad didn't know, but my best friend is gay. He took me to Prom last year. Dad thought he was my boyfriend but he was going out with the quarterback."
I smile at that. Little Molly fag hag.
"So now you're gay friendly?"
"I'm sorry for what happened when we were kids."
I shake my head. "It was natural for you to be on their side. You couldn't understand."
"But I do now and I want you to know that I don't agree with what Mom thinks."
I frown. "What do you mean?"
"She thinks that it's your fault—what happened to Dad."
"What?"
"Justin!" I hear my mother's cold tone calling my name.
"Mom, Justin is here! I told you that he would…"
"Molly, go inside. I need to speak to your brother."
Molly nods but hugs me again and whispers in my ear, "Tell me where I can find you."
"Liberty Diner on Liberty Ave" I whisper back.
"I'll come see you."
She kisses my cheek and then goes inside what was once my home.

I look at my mother and I see all the hate still there in her eyes. I thought that it wouldn't have hurt after all this time. Well, I was wrong.

"What are you doing here? This is your father's…"
"I know. Why didn't you call?"
"Why would I? You made it clear years ago that you didn't want to be part of this family."
"I wanted to be part of this family, you were my family… it was you that pushed me away just because I wanted to be me."
"You knew that you had to choice. You made your choice and you can't come here today, on your father's funeral day, trying to make a scene."
"I'm not making a scene, mother. I'm in the backyard see? Your guests won't see me or hear me."
She takes a deep breath and then closes the door behind her coming closer to me.
"What are you doing here?" she asks again.
"I just wanted to see you and Molly. I wanted to know why you didn't tell me. I thought that after all these…"
"It was your fault."
"Yeah Molly told me that you think…"
"It's not what I think, it's the truth. You had to come back. After all these years, you had to come back. Why? We thought that we wouldn't have to be exposed to your lifestyle anymore…"
"What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't expose…"
"Don't use that language Justin. You knew that your father was ashamed of what you do…"
"What I do?"
"Yes. And you knew that he didn't want his friends to find out. Then you had to come back and kill him."
"And how did I do it?" I ask her getting angry. I can't believe that my own mother could say those things to me.
"Coming back!" she almost shouts. "Why did you have to come back here? We've spent the last years in peace with everyone and now you decided to come back without thinking about anyone but yourself. His friends saw you with some guys come out of a club some time ago and working in a gay diner and they started questioning and your poor father wasn't strong enough…"
"Are you fucking serious?"
"Justin, I told you…"
"You said that I wasn't part of your family, so you don't get to tell me how I have to talk. You're saying that I killed my father because his friends saw me with some guys? What the fuck were they doing on Liberty Avenue?"
She takes a step back and still staring at me in the eyes, says "I don't care what you say to justify yourself…"
"Mom, you're being unreasonable."
She ignores what I say and opens the door and before stepping inside, she turns to glare at me. "I hope that you're happy with your life and I hope that you have some friends because we're not your family" and then she slams the door.

*****************

I'm not sure how long I stood there staring at the door but when I looked around, it was getting dark. So I went home and sat on the couch, just looking at the wall and then I started drinking one beer after another. I needed Dean, but he was covering for me at work, so I was alone and I needed to distract myself from everything so here I am now. At Babylon, looking for a fuck when I swore to myself no more casual fucks.

I look among the dancing men and I can't shrug off the feel of emptiness that I've been feeling since my so-called-mother slammed the door in my face after accusing me of killing my father. I can't… that bitch…

"Hey baby!" I turn around to see Emmett.
I try to smile, but I'm not sure if I'm actually able to do it since I'm already half drunk.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Em."
"Well, why don't you come to have a beer with me?"
"Sure." I need to get drunk, so alone or with him, it doesn't really matter.

We walk over to the bar and order two beers but after I drink mine in less than two minutes, Emmett gives me his and orders a cosmo for himself.
"Something bothering you?"
"Don't really want to talk about it."
He nods. "I see. You just want to get drunk."
"And laid."
He smiles a little and I shake my head. "I don't fuck my friends, Em. I did once and it's going to shit now."
He seems disappointed for a minute, but then nods and puts a hand on my shoulder.
"It's ok. It would be awkward. So, do you want to have another one?" he asks pointing at the now empty bottle of beer that I put on the bar.
"No. I'm going to dance."
"Ok, see you later."
I nod and walk on the dance floor.

BRIAN P.O.V.
I've been watching him all night. He just danced, drank and danced. Debbie didn't want to tell me what happened at lunch or why suddenly, Dean took over Justin's shift, but looking at him now, I can see that something happened in the ten seconds that we saw each other at the Diner.

I swallow my second beer and put it down, ordering another one while Justin stumbles towards me.
He gives me some sort of smile and then grabs my beer and drinks half of it. I take it back and push him away but he just puts his back against my chest and starts to swing his hips in time with the music.

"What are you doing?"
"I'm dancing."
I push him away again. "You're not dancing."
He hugs my waist and kisses my shoulder. "Justin, stop it!"
"Nope. Not in the mood to stop."
"You're drunk."
He shrugs. "So?"
"Stop it, or you're going to be sorry."
Justin smirks and arcs an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Really."
He cups the back of my head and in a second, his mouth is on mine and his tongue is pushing its way inside my mouth. His lips are just as soft as I thought they would be.
I try to push him away, but he just tightens his hold and I sigh and give in and as soon as I'm kissing him back, Justin pulls away still smirking.
"You're playing with fire."
"Don't care," he says before turning away and heading off to dance. What the fuck is he trying to do?

I've been in the backroom twice and Justin was dancing every time I came out of it. At least, I'm sort of relieved that he isn't going to fuck while he's so fucking drunk.

I look down at my watch when I notice that the guys aren't here anymore and it's past three. I go over to the bar and order a beer and after a couple of minutes, he gets back. He's even more drunk then early and seems a bit high too.
What I've learned in the last three hours, is that a drunk Justin is not depressed or sweet. A drunk Justin is horny as hell and fucking hot for me.

"Hey there, Sunshine" I tell him when he orders JB this time.
Justin puts his fingers in my waistband and smiles. "Wanna dance?"
I smirk. "Stop it, Justin."
"Stop what?"
"You look at me like you want to fuck."
"I know."
"But then you're going to want a boyfriend and I don't do boyfriend."
"Don't care."
We look each other in the eyes and he looks suddenly sober and something in his eyes makes me give in. "Nothing is going to change."
"Don't care." Why the fuck does he keep saying that?

******************

When we get inside the loft, I look at him. "Last chance," I warn him.
"I came, didn't I?"
If he wants to play, I'm not going to say no to him. This time, it wasn't me who tried to fuck the other. "Get off your clothes."
He takes off his t-shirt, keeping his eyes locked with mine and I can't help but just stare at him. In the moonlight, his white skin almost glows. He really is beautiful.

He starts to undo his belt and open his jeans and then kicks away his shoes before pulling down his pants along with his underwear. "Are you going to just stand there staring at me or are you going to fuck me?"

Now, normally I don't fuck people drunk out of their minds, but even if it seems all quite crazy, he seems pretty lucid. He just keeps staring at me with an arched eyebrow.

He looks like a totally new person. It's almost like he's not even the bus boy from the Diner or the model from that ad for Calvin Klein. He's this new Justin who looks and acts like a slut and seems to like it. I know that I should stop all this because it's wrong. I'm not what he wants, he's going to act all lovely on me in the morning and he's drunk and sure as hell high. But he's not a kid, so if he wants to fuck, I won't say anything about it.

I walk towards him and looking him in his eyes, I put my hands on his waist to pull him closer to me and then I start to kiss him. I don't want him to see how much he's not like the other tricks, so I decide to treat him like one of them. No affection. No love. No feelings. Just simple fucking. And I'm going to kick him out as soon as we've finished, so he's not going to believe that he's someone special to me.
I'm going to have what I wanted for two months. I'm going to fuck him and then I'm going to take him out of my head and I'll be able to leave him alone and act like he's no one. Just another trick I tell myself once again.

I'm going to pretend that I don't care when I see him at the Diner and he's sad or when I see him at Babylon and he's drinking or dancing like he's going to die and he got just one last chance to do something like that.

I'm going to pretend that I don't care when Dean kisses him and I'm going to pretend that I don't feel like shit when every night I come back to the loft wishing he was with me, but I'm alone or with someone that I don't give a fuck about and I'm going to pretend that I don't think about him right before going to sleep or right when I get up in the morning.

JUSTIN P.O.V.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Ok, my asshole father is dead and my mother said that it was my fault because I decided to come back. But I don't want to think that just because of that I'm here now, about to fuck the only person that I truly hate. I should go back home. I should call Dean and talk with him. I shouldn't have played the slut at Babylon and I shouldn't have come here with Brian.

He's just going to fuck me and throw me away. But now he's kissing me and I can't think straight. When I kissed him at Babylon earlier, it was different because even if it was something amazing, I pulled away as soon as he started kissing back but now it's totally different. He was the one who started the kiss and I'm naked and he's dressed and I'm pressed against his toned body and he's kissing me fervently and I just want to be fucked right now. Hard and fast. I don't want to think about anything so I do it. I start to undo his jeans and before he could say something, I pull them down but when I go for the shirt, he pulls away from my hands and the kiss and smirks.

"I lead the play kid."
I should push him away but I can't bring myself to care now, that he thinks of me like a kid, a trick… no one special. Like I said, I just wanted to fuck. He can do whatever is it that he wants.

"Just fuck me, Brian. You picked me at Babylon; you took me here to your loft, now we just have to fuck. Isn't this what you do with your tricks? So stop talking and fuck me." And then I pull away and head to the bedroom without waiting for him to say something back.

I'm already on the bed when he arrives. I look straight in his eyes. "Took you long enough."
"Why are you playing the whore?"
"I want to fuck. That's all. I'm not here for conversation."
Brian looks at me for a while before walking towards me and then he kneels on the bed, between my bent legs, stroking my thighs 'till he reaches my waist and going back before pushing my legs further apart. Then he let his hands travel on my stomach and then on my chest before going on to my neck and continuing down my shoulders. It's almost like he wanted to imprint my body into his memory.

When he gets to my hands, he takes them in his and stretches my arms above my head, pinning them into the mattress and then he bends over me to whisper in my ear. "You're noone special. As soon as we've finished fucking, I'm going to throw you out."
I'm already on a sort of auto pilot, so without hesitating, I whisper back "I'm not asking for anything else. Just a fuck."
Brian nods keeping his head hidden in my neck and when he starts to lift his head, I take it between my hands, looking into his eyes. "Hard and fast."
We look at each other for a couple of seconds before he nods and then bends his head to kiss me but I turn my head. He tries to cup my chin in his hand, but I stretch out to reach for a condom and the lube on his nightstand and pass them to him rolling on my stomach.

No more kissing… when I kissed Brian earlier at Babylon or just five minutes ago, I felt something that I don't like. I felt myself loosing control and in a different way… for a second, I felt that it was possible for me to fall for Brian and I don't want to… this is the last thing that I want…

I feel his fingers circling my hole before he pushes inside the first one followed soon by the second one. He surely took me seriously when I said that I wanted it to be hard and fast.
I hear the sound of the condom ripped open and then Brian bends over me again and says "Roll over. I want to see your face when you come."
"I don't..."
"If you want to fuck, then you have to roll over."
I sigh, knowing that he's serious and roll onto my back.

Brian takes my legs from under the knees and leads them around his waist before covering his sheathed dick with lube and starting to push inside me.

"You're tight!" he breathes out closing his eyes. That's probably the most frequent thing I've heard every time I fucked with Seth or Dean. It has been months since my last time, and it hurts like hell, so I close my eyes trying to breathe.

After a couple of seconds, I open my eyes again to look at Brian and stroke his face with my fingers. When Brian opens his eyes to look down at me, he stills his movements and pulls away a lock of sweaty hair from my forehead before bending his face over mine and trying to kiss me again and as I turn away, I say "Hard and fast, Brian" and he does something I wasn't expecting. He just kisses me on my left cheek and lets his forehead rest on it before starting to push in and out of me faster and harder every time.

I sink my nails in the skin of his back and push him deeper in me tightening my legs around his waist. We let out a yell at the same time and Brian takes my hands in his while I raise my hips to meet his thrusts.

"Fuck!" he groans and then closes his eyes for a second before opening them again to look down at me.
"Bri…an…" I breathe out moaning and he starts to go faster and harder and when he goes to reach for my dick, I slap his hand away. "Don't need it" I tell him and he just nods and after a couple of thrusts, we're both coming. Spent, Brian crushes down on me and I automatically close my arms around his shoulders and close my eyes.

In the next seconds, I briefly imagine asking him to stay for a shower so we could have the second round later, but then he slides down on the mattress lying next to me and I know that I have to go away.

When Brian stretches an arm towards the nightstand and picks up a cigarette and lights it up, I sit up in the bed and take a deep breath before getting up to go gather my clothes. I can feel his eyes following me around and I choose to ignore him and as soon as I have my jeans and shirt on, I walk out of the loft. Suddenly, I don't feel drunk anymore. I feel even more empty.