Justin's P.O.V.

I can't explain myself at all. And all the wants. And all the needs. All I don't want to need at all...

I know that I've been a shit to Brian. The truth is that he's right. I'm afraid and while I know that it's an excuse, I can't help it. Sometimes I just feel the need to run away. When he told me that he liked me, I was frightened and I felt like I was in a room where the walls were closing in around me. I felt suffocated and I needed to stay far away from him. Then I went back into Babylon and Dean told me that he was going back to Seattle and I've done it again. I got myself drunk and went over to Brian. It's like he's my pain management. Every time I feel things slipping away, I want to be with him and that me scares even more.

I thought that he didn't care and as long as he wouldn't care, I was ok, but then he told me that he did care and I felt every thing change. It's wrong, I know this, but isn't part of being human doing something even knowing that it's wrong?

I have my eyes closed as I lay on my bed. I hear the door being opened and a second later, the mattress sinks. I sigh. "Dean?" I whisper. I feel his hand stroking my cheek and I lean into his touch. His thumb brushes my lips and I sigh again. I feel him moving closer until he's on top of me and I open my eyes and find myself staring in a pair of light green eyes, shining with... I swallow... love...

While he pushes back the hair that is falling in my eyes, I ask, "Are you really going back?"

He looks away and I put my hands on both sides of his head and turn his face. He looks suddenly sad. "Dean?" I whisper. He leans down and kisses me lightly on the lips and then I put my hands on his back to keep him close. "Are you really going back?" I repeat.

He nods, and hides his head in the crook between my neck and shoulder before kissing my cheek.

I stroke his back as he leans on me. I wrap my arms around him and he fists a hand in my hair. I close my eyes before kissing his shoulder. Dean sighs and then pulls up, looking down in my eyes and then he kisses me again, but this time with a lot more in it... passion... love... sadness... And for a few seconds, I actually welcome the kiss. I put my right hand on his neck pulling him closer and deepening the kiss while my other hand rests on his lower back. I feel his tongue massaging mine and we moan into the kiss before he pulls back. His eyes are now a deep shadow of green and with the love that I saw there a few minutes ago, there is also lust.

"Justin..." he whispers in a deep husky voice. "I love you."

I stare straight into his eyes. "I know... I love you too but..."

"Not in the same way." He gives me a slight sad smile. "That's why I'm going back home."

"You don't have to..."

"I have to," he says gently. "We both know that you're going to fall for him and... it's a stupid thing to say, but I can't stand the idea of that... of seeing you with him, knowing that you're his. When you were with Seth, it was different. I knew it the second I saw you with him that it wouldn't have lasted, but this time is different."

"Dean..."

"I talked to him last night."

"You did what?"

"I talked to him," he repeats. "He really likes you. Don't throw it away."

I turn my head away but he puts his hand under my chin and forces meto look at him in the eyes. "Listen to me."

"I don't want to..."

"He's going to give you a chance" he says. "I know his type and I know that it's going to cost him a lot to let you even remotely in... I know it because I did the same with you, but you can't love me and I accept this. I know that you can love him and you were my best friend before being the guy that I love... I want you happy and I know that Brian can be the guy that makes you happy. I told him that you're fucked up but aren't we all fucked up?" he smirks. "I told him to give you some time and I know he's not going to give up so just know that whenever you're ready, he's going to be there. Just don't make him wait too long."

I stare at him letting his words sink in. After a while, I nod. "Why are you doing this?"

"I told you. I love you and you're my best friend. He's the right guy for you..."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because anyone else would have told you to fuck off a long time ago. Now, stop playing hard to get because you're just wasting time. I know you, I know that you have feelings for him just like he has feelings for you... work on this and stop using sex as a form of pain management. I know that last night you went to him and you two fucked, but it has to stop. You can't keep doing this to yourself…or to him. Be sure that the next time you two fuck it's because you're together and not because you're drunk."

I nod again. "Maybe we won't fuck anymore."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Yeah right. Now listen to me. Give the guy a chance." He kisses me lightly on the lips before getting up from the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to pack my things."

"You're leaving already?"

He nods and smiles at me. "I have a flight tomorrow."

"What's the rush?"

He shrugs. "Don't really know." Dean hesitates for a second and then says, "Look, I don't want you to come to the airport."

"But Dean..."

"No. I don't want you to. It would be too much like a goodbye. I'm going to pack and say "Later Baby" and you'll say "Later" and I'll head towards the airport and that will be all. I don't want you there crying like I'm leaving for the war."

Before I can say anything, he smiles and heads out of my room.

Brian's P.O.V.

I realize, I'm loosing and this is my real life. I'm half asleep, and I am wide awake. This habit is always so hard to break. I don't want to' be the bad guy, been blaming myself and I think you know why. I'm killing time, and times killing you, every way that I do. I can try and suck it up. I just can't suck it up. Make me feel like someone else. Please just follow me. I just can't decide what I'm running from. This isn't what, I wanted but, I can't keep my filthy fuckin mouth shut. It's not enough, it's never enough. I wish I could breathe without getting it stuck. I can't focus it, but I try it.

"So, what are you really going to do?"

I look at Mikey and shrug. "I'm not sure. How can I earn his trust?"

Michael smiles. "What's so fucking funny?"

"Do you really like him. Wow."

"Don't sound so surprised. He's hot."

"And we both know that isn't the reason why you want to earn his trust. Let's face it Brian." He puts his hand on my shoulder and looks at me seriously. "This is it. This is the time when you grow some balls and grow up."

"Don't make it sound so definitive."

He rolls his eyes. I sip on my beer and wave to the bartender to bring another one.

"You want something serious with him or at least that's what you said."

"I didn't..."

"I could see it in your eyes while you were telling me about last night."

I sigh and look down at the bar counter. "I may want him for more than just a fuck," I admit and I don't need to look up to see Michael smiling. I sigh again.

"Then what you have to do is to show him that."

"How?"

"You might need to revise your rules. Like the one about dates for instance."

I look at him disgusted. "I don't want to take him out on a fucking date."

"Then what the fuck are we talking about here? If you don't want to take him out on a date then nothing is going to change. He'd still think that you only want to fuck him."

"He said that as long as I didn't want something serious, we could hook up again."

"So this is what we're talking about. Hooking up, fucking again... that's all?"

"What else?"

"For God's sake Brian, stop trying to fool me and you. If you just wanted him to fuck, then you'd get him drunk and fuck him. If you asked for my help, then it's something more and if you don't start to admit this to yourself, then sure as hell Justin is not going to come around and believe that is more than a fuck. Even if he says that he doesn't want something serious with you, you might want to reconsider believing him. You should take the first step."

"But I fucking did it," I tell him exasperated. "I told him that I like him and he ran away... he freaked out."

"That's because he doesn't trust you. C'mon you, better than anyone else, should know that someone would say anything to fuck."

"I don't need to make up excuses."

Mikey slaps me in the head like he's Debbie. "What the fuck?"

"Maybe you should start to put some sense in that head of yours." He stands up from the stool and puts on his jacket. "He's not going to let you in as long as you don't show some true interest in him and not with words but with actions. I'm not talking about telling him that you want to fuck him. Try something else."

"Like what?"

"I told you. Ask him out."

"When hell freezes over."

"Then you better go buy Lucifer a pair of skis because you're going to ask him out!" And with that, Mikey storms out.

Michael's P.O.V.

It's been two weeks since I've heard from Brian. He refuses to come to the Diner. The truth is he's in denial, so he's trying everything to get Justin out of his mind. It's not working.

Justin acts like he doesn't care one way or another if Brian comes or not.

Ma told me that Dean went back to Seattle the other week so Justin isn't very friendly lately and I'm not totally sure if Dean's departure is the only thing that is bothering him. I just know that I'd like to shake some sense in both his and Brian's head.

"What's up with Brian?"

I turn my attention from Justin who's cleaning the counter to Emmett. "I don't know."

"I haven't seen him lately. Well...outside of Babylon at least. And when he's there he doesn't even come to say hi to us," Ted says. "He just fucks everything that crosses his path."

I nod. He's been an asshole lately. Well...a bigger asshole, that is.

"I think that has something to do with Justin," Emmett admits.

I look at Emmett. "Why would you say that?"

He shrugs. "They're very irritable lately. Yesterday, for example, a blond twink went up to Brian at Babylon and Brian told him to fuck off and that he wasn't into blond twinks. Now, we all know that Brian is, at least, into one blond twink."

I see Teddy nod and I can't help but smile. Brian thought that he was being so cautious with his questions about Justin and the way he was always looking at him at the Diner or at Woody's or at any other place. I feel both Emmett and Ted's stares on me and I look at them. "What?"

"What do you know?" Ted asks.

I shrug.

"Oh oh oh! Do tell!" Em says, clapping his hands.

"I'm not sure that Brian would like for me to talk about this."

"I knew it!" Em screams. Ted and I look at him. "What? It was obvious that he had a soft spot for the boy."

"Sure, obvious and totally crazy. I mean, we're talking about Brian Kinney" Ted says and I have to agree. If I didn't see first hand how Brian reacts to Justin, then I would have thought that it was the craziest thing ever to think about Brian with a crush on someone or maybe having something more important than just a crush.

Emmett looks out of the window and up to the sky. "Em, what the hell are you doing?"

"Just checking to see if the sky was falling down. Brian Kinney in love with someone. That's the end of the world."

"The end of the gay's world, at least," Ted says smiling and I roll my eyes.

Justin's P.O.V.

I keep passing the dishtowel on the counter and for the millionth time I sigh. Debbie snorts. "Care to tell me what has been bothering you lately, Sunshine?"

"Nothing."

"Sure. Now, tell me the truth."

I look at her sighing again. "You look like someone just killed your puppy."

"Dean went away..." I start.

"I know that. It was two weeks and half ago."

"Yeah and I miss him..." I trail off and she gives me a knowing smile.

"Uh-huh...But there something else isn't there?"

I nod and turn back to the counter.

"Has this something to do with someone that we both know that has been avoiding this place and the family dinners?"

I shrug.

"That's answer enough," she tells me sighing and putting her hands on her waist. "What did he do?"

"Nothing."

Debbie comes over to me and pulls the cloth from my hands before putting her index finger under my chin, making me look at her. "What did he do?" she asks again.

"He didn't do anything," I repeat. "I got drunk and made him fuck me and when he tried to be nice and to tell me to stay, I freaked out and left. Then, as if that wasn't enough, Dean fucking told me that he was going back leaving me here alone..."

"You're not alone."

"I am. I don't have anyone that knows me here. Sure Michael is a great friend but it's not the same and I..." I stop myself from finishing the sentence but Debbie nods and let go of my chin. "And you think that it would be better to do the same and go back to Seattle."

I nod. "I was thinking about doing it."

"Don't."

"Debbie..."

"You freaked out because you don't trust Brian, right?"
I nod again.

"You should trust him. You see, even if he's an asshole, he's loyal to his friends and to people that he cares about."

"Why do people keep telling me that he cares?"

"Who told you?"

"Dean."

She smiles sadly and I look at her confused. "He really loves you, Dean I mean..."

"I know." I look away unable to think again about that look that he gave me that evening while we were in my bedroom.

"Do you trust him?"

"Yeah."

"But he's an asshole."

"I know," I say smirking.

"But he's different with you, isn't he?"

"Always has been, even when he makes me mad."

She smiles this time happily and I can't help but smile back. "And do you care about him?"

"Yeah."

"And do you love him?"

"Yes just not in the way..."

"That he wants." I nod.

"Tell me, do you think that it could be possible for the two of you to be together? That maybe one day you could love him back?"

I shake my head. "There was a time when I thought it could have been possible, but not anymore."

"How did you know that you couldn't?"

"I just did."

"And let me ask you something... do you think that you could never love Brian?" I stare at her shocked. I don't want to talk about this. I don't like what Brian makes me feel... how he makes me feel...

"Sunshine?"

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"Nope."

I take a deep breath. I'm glad that the diner is empty except for a couple too busy making out to care about our conversation. "I think that I could fall for him. Dean says that's the reason why I don't allow myself to let him in."

"And what do you think?"

"That he's right."

She nods and hugs me. "Brian is a good guy…no matter what he likes people to think."

"I wish I was able to give my trust easily to people."

Debbie pulls back and shakes her head. "You're right about being the way you are. Every time you trusted someone, except maybe me and Vic, you have been stabbed in the back, so it's more than right for you to ask people to earn your trust."

I smile at her. "Thanks Debbie. You know, most of the time, you feel like a mother to me."

I can see her eyes starting to water and she pinches my cheek before heading back into the kitchen.

*************

It's a couple of days later when I see Brian for the first time in weeks. When my shift at the Diner ends and I step out of the backdoor to have a smoke before going back home, Brian is standing there, with his back against the wall and with a cigarette between his lips. He barely looks at me before fishing for something into his pockets and then hands me a cigarette and his lighter. I stare at him trying to read his expression but he's just half illuminated by one of the street lamppost so I can't really see his face. I decide to take the cigarette and see if he wants to tell me something and I don't have to wait long to find out. As soon as I'm standing next to him with my back against the wall, Brian turns his head and looks at me for several seconds before taking a breath and talking.

"Mikey told me that Dean left," he simply says and I look at him with an arched eyebrow before taking a puff from the cigarette.

"Three weeks ago," I tell him and he nods.

"I know. Mikey told me a couple of days later."

"Took you long enough to come talk to me then." We both stay in silence after that, just smoking our cigarettes.

"I could have fucked you," he suddenly says and I turn my head towards Brian bewildered.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"After Dean left. If you had come to me like you did when your father died and after whatever the fuck got you upset last time, I would have fucked you."

I toss away my cigarette and Brian does the same before turning his body towards me and looking straight into my eyes. I'm not sure if he's looking for something or if he wants for me to look for something, I just know that we stay like that just staring at each other until he decides to speak again.

"I said that because it looks like I'm some sort of pain management for you."

"And you figured that out, how?"

"I had a slight suspicion about it after Michael told me that when we fucked the first time you had just gotten hurt by your mother. After last time, I'm pretty sure."

"I was ok."

"You didn't seem ok to me."

"So what? You fucked me out of pity?"

Brian shakes his head. "I don't do pity," he says and I don't know why, but I start to get angry at him.

"Of course not. Just write me a fucking list of the things you don't do."

I turn my back to him to walk out of the alley and go home when he speaks again and this time, his quiet voice makes me stop. Without turning around to face him, I let him talk.

"I don't do pity. I don't do relationship. I don't do love, holidays and birthdays." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "But most importantly, I don't fuck anyone twice. I'm not nice with my tricks and I don't want them to stay for the night so we can sleep together, regain some strength, and fuck again. I don't talk with my best friend about a trick and I don't spend my time thinking about him because he won't get out of my head. I don't do comforting and I don't go after anyone..." he trails off and I'm about to turn around to see what has him stopped when I feel an arm coming around my waist and then Brian's chin is on my shoulder. He looks straight ahead of us.

"Do you see a pattern there?" he says quietly in my ear.

"Maybe," I whisper and despite myself, I smile a little. "But I don't know about talking with your best friend about me or being nice."

"Well then, you must talk with Michael. I've been pretty much talking about you every time we got together and as for being nice, I can recall a couple of times when I've been almost civil with you," he tells me and I find myself nodding.

"And there is another thing..."

"What is it?"

"I don't do dates," he says and I try to turn around in his arms to look at him, but he holds me tight. "But I thought 'What the hell? Why don't break another rule?' because I told you last time we were together that you couldn't talk about my rules since you were making me break all of them."

"Every one?"

"I still have some of them intact."

I frown a bit and turn my head so I can look at his profile. "Brian?"

"Mmmh?"

"You didn't take me out on a date."

"That's because I still have to ask you out. The problem is that I'm not sure that you'll say yes and I have a reputation. I can't ask for the first time in my life to go out to someone and risk being turned down."

Brian lets go of me and I turn around, looking up into his eyes. I don't know why, but I think that maybe I should do what Dean suggested and give Brian a try. "You might want to take the risk," I reply before I can have second thoughts about it. Brian gives me a small smile that turns into a smirk.

"That's a yes?"

I shrug. "You haven't asked me, yet."

He rolls his lips into his mouth and looks away for a couple of seconds before putting his hands on my waist and pulling me closer to him. "What do you think about coming over to my place and ordering take out?"

I burst out laughing and when I have my breath under control I tell him, "That could hardly be considered as a date."

"Why the fuck not? I'll tell you 'Justin, I'll be waiting for you around seven this Saturday evening to have dinner together' and it sounds like a date to me. We'll be somewhere together, eating, watching a movie..."

"I guess it's your version of a date?" I ask him and he nods.

"So, Justin I'll be waiting for you around seven this Saturday evening to have dinner together and then maybe we could watch a movie," he says and I tell myself "Why not?" and nod.

"If I don't have any other plans, I could say yes," I tell him smiling and Brian looks at me strangely, intensely, like he's about to say something really important. But then his lips curve into a grin and I look at him confused.

"What?"

"I'm going to have to behave myself. I'll have to think about hetero sex all evening on Saturday."

"Hmmm?"

"See, I have a problem. Every time I see you, ever since the first time, I want nothing more than rip off your clothes, bend you over, and fuck the shit out of you. Now, I'm sure that Michael wouldn't approve of me telling you this. He has these ideas about perfect dates that make me want to puke, but I thought that I had to be honest with you so you don't think that I suddenly turned into the perfect boyfriend because I don't know what the hell I'm doing or why you make me want to do it. I just know that I found myself asking Michael for advice about relationships and how to let you know that I kind of think about you all the time. This is so fucking strange. I swore to myself that I wouldn't have been caught dead on a fucking date; that I'll just fuck everyone I liked without second thoughts and it worked but fuck…" Brian shoves his hands through his hair and I put my hands on his and make him look at me.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want Brian. You don't do relationship, never thought about having one and never wanted to have one and I'm not going to force you into anything. I'm not even sure why I'm here talking to you about these things... I mean... fuck Brian... until three weeks ago, I could barely stand you, but then Dean made me think about you and I don't know... I'm kind of confused too and I don't know what the hell I'm doing either... and..." I stop to search the best words to make Brian understand what I'm feeling, but I'm pretty sure that he knows all too well how I'm feeling so in the end I don't say anything. After a couple of minutes, Brian sighs.

"I know that I don't have to take you out but, God I can't believe I'm saying it out loud, but I'm going to tell you what I told Mikey. I might want you around for more than just a fuck. I'm just not sure what I want you around exactly..."

I nod understanding what he's saying. Just before I talked with Dean, I thought that Brian was a prick and that the further away I was from him, the better. But it feels like it was a million years ago when we had that conversation. Now, I feel like I should give this thing with Brian a try... whatever the fuck this thing may be, but I don't want to rush things because I don't want to fall in love with him and risk being hurt like what happened with Seth. I want us to take things one step at a time.

I look into Brian's eyes again and offer him a smile. "I'd like to come over. I'm not really in the mood to go out somewhere so I like your... hem... idea of a date. And," I take a deep breath before going on because I want to be sure of having Brian's total attention. "I meant what I told you the last time we fucked. I don't really want to jump into a new relationship and risk being hurt again, but if... God and to think that I hated you not so long ago," I say more to myself than Brian. I see him smirking so I smirk back at him. "What I'm trying to say is that I don't need you down on one knee declaring your undying love and I don't need flowers, dates, presents, shallow words and romantic crap... so you don't have to worry or explain how you work. Just be yourself and… I'd like... to... you know... as Dean said, to give this a try. Take one step a time."

Brian stays silent for several minutes and I think that maybe he's going to re-think everything he said, turn back and forget all about this last twenty minutes. But then his mouth his suddenly on mine, kissing me slowly and his hands are back on my waist, pulling me closer. I sigh and start to relax into his arms, when he pulls back laying his forehead against mine.

"Thank God," he whispers and I laugh. "I'm not ready to jump into all that shit. I'm not even sure if I'm boyfriend material... but at least I'll get to kiss you and fuck you whenever I want to, right?"

I laugh and nod. "Yeah if the first date goes well, you'll get to kiss me whenever you want and don't worry about the boyfriend material, I'm not ready for a new relationship just yet."

"And what about the fuck whenever I want?"

"You'll have to earn that part."

He seems to think about it for a second before nodding and saying, "And another thing."

"What is it?"

"I'm not the kind of guy who brings roses, takes baths with his lover, makes love under the stars, has picnics on the floor or does something romantic as a surprise."

I look around us, we're standing in a dirty alley, near the dumpster, with the smell of greasy food in the air and the cars going by just five feet from us and I start to laugh. Brian just looks at me like I went suddenly nuts.

"You definitely don't do romantic stuff. Look at where the hell we are standing trying to figure out what the fuck we want from each other." Suddenly, Brian is laughing too with his head hidden in the crook of my neck, his arms around my waist and I find myself putting my arms around him, pulling him tighter against me. "I swear that if someone would have told me when we met that we'd be standing, hugged together in a dirty alley talking about dates and relationships I would have laughed in their fucking faces."

I feel Brian nodding before pulling back with a small smile still on his lips. "I'm kind of relieved that you're nuts enough to want to try something like this with me."

I just nod and Brian bends down to kiss me again but I step out of his embrace. "Wait. Were you waiting for me?"

"No, I was admiring the beautiful sights," he replies sarcastically and I just roll my eyes. "Yes I was waiting for you. Satisfied?"

"Yep," I tell him smirking. "But it took you long enough to gather up the courage to talk to me."

Brian nods. "Better late than never."

"Right." I sigh and look around. "I finished my shift and I was going home, want to come?"

Brian shakes his head and smiles. "I can't. I'd fuck you against your door the moment we got there. Well, I'd fuck you against the wall right now, but it wouldn't be nice to fuck you before our first date."

"We already fucked so..."

"This is different. We start new now. You were drunk both times we fucked before, so they don't count. I'll just wait until Saturday evening."

It's my turn to shake my head and laugh. "Whatever you say Kinney."

"Be on time," he tells me and I nod.

Brian takes a step away from me. "I'll go now. Well I'll see you later." And just like that, he gives me a small smile and then turns and leaves.

I start to walk in the opposite direction and I can't help but think that it feels so fucking crazy what just happened. I was mad at him when I first saw him, but then I kind of decided to listen to what my gut was saying, which was "it's going to be great. Give him a chance." The voice sounded suspiciously like Dean's but for once, I'm kind of happy that I listened to Dean rather than myself.

Brian's P.O.V.

I can't fucking believe it. I just went to the diner because I was in the mood to see Justin and the next thing I know, I was fucking asking him out. Well, Michael would be proud of me now. I asked a guy out and I don't think I'm going to die because I did it. If I have to be totally honest with myself, I'll have to admit that I kind of like the idea of spending my evening with Justin. I just hope that I won't screw things up all over again. I'm surprised, totally surprised, that Justin accepted, even more than I'm surprised that I asked, but I'm sort of happy that I finally found the courage after three weeks to talk to him and take the risk. I'll have to say thank you to Mikey tomorrow.

I throw myself onto the bed and within seconds, I fall asleep.