Just Keep Breathing: Chapter Four

Alice,

What on earth makes you think I'm dying? I'm not dying...

However, on the subject, I do feel obliged now to tell you that my father has a disease called cancer, and it's not looking good for him. He's in hospital at the moment having treatment, but I still don't think he's going to make it until Christmas. But, I have been wrong before, so don't quote me on that. I read every single one of your letters that were unopened when you visited. I should have read them earlier – you're brilliant at putting a smile on my face, and that would have been exactly what I needed.

Anyway, my dad being sick is the reason I'm staying home at the moment, but I do think I'll return to Hogwarts eventually. I actually feel really guilty as well, I think I mentioned that in the last letter.

Professor Kadan? I think I recognise the last name from somewhere, but if you don't like him, then I probably won't either. Which is a shame. I find that people learn better when they have a nice teacher, and that's not just because my parents are teachers!

How is everybody at Hogwarts? I hate finding out people miss me – I mean, I know, it makes me happy to know that I'm important enough to somebody to be missed, but it also makes me feel guilty for not being there.

And no, I'm not really enjoying my job. Mr Dursley, my boss, keeps talking about drills, and other tools, and he keeps bragging about his kids. I wouldn't mind it if we actually had something in common, but the only thing I can talk about when mentioning tools is Potter, and I don't have any kids! It gets really annoying, because he's all like "so, what's going on with your life?", and I'm just sort of like "... Work?"

Hopefully things will get better over here. Please continue updating me on what's happening at Hogwarts, I really miss it there.

I love you, very mcuh,

Lil.E

Alice read the letter awkwardly at the Gryffindor table on the morning of the second Thursday of school. Had she known that, she wouldn't have been so mean. But then, Lily hadn't told her, so how was she to know? Feeling a little bit guilty regardless, Alice tucked the letter into the inner pocket of her robes.

"Letter from Evans?" James asked eagerly as he sat down beside her.

"No," Alice lied, convincingly though.

"You haven't heard anything?" Sirius asked, sitting down opposite them. Frank was sitting on Alice's other side.

"No, I haven't," Alice said, trying to tell them that the conversation was over.

"But you sent the letter over a week ago!" James complained. "Do you think she's slumped into depression again? Should we go and visit her? Maybe she was dying, and she's already dead!"

"NO!" Alice yelled, and the entire population of the Great Hall turned to stare at her. She lowered her voice and whispered, "James Potter, you will stay away from Lily Evans, is that understood?"

James glanced down nervously, and Alice's eyes followed: she had unknowingly grabbed his tie and was tugging on it, suffocating him. "Yeah, I understand," he choked. Alice dropped the tie, and, grabbing the copy of The Daily Prophet that had been delivered this morning, she stormed out of the hall, everybody looking after her. She may have snapped at James, but she felt that at this point, it would be better for him to stay away from her.

Lily had reached her breaking point. Her new routine of going to work in the morning and coming home at night was driving her insane. Despite her need to organise things, and the need for everything to be planned perfectly, Lily desperately hoped that something would go wrong; she needed it. It was as strong a need as water was. The only reason she loved to organise things was to test herself when they went dreadfully wrong.

And this new job of hers was exactly the same every single day. Send out letters to other companies and clients, file invoices, answer phones and patch them through to the boss. There was too much sameness in her life at the moment. She was being deprived of her learning experience.

This didn't go unnoticed by Petunia, who went to her own job everyday. But Petunia, unlike Lily, had no need for things to be unexpected. What Petunia needed was sameness and she was the one that was unable to handle it when things went wrong.

"Lily," Petunia said while they were eating dinner one night. "You know what I realised? We've sort of switched personalities."

Lily glanced at her, pausing in the middle of cutting a roast potato. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know, you're usually good at dealing with things when they go wrong. I'm not."

"Your point?" Lily asked, resuming her activity.

"When we found out about dad, you broke down, and I was the one that was better at dealing with it."

Lily thought about it for a moment. What Petunia said did have an element of truth to it, but Lily knew that it was guilt that was the difference. Petunia had gone to the public school and come home from it every day. She was always here for her parents, and even if she stayed over at a friend's house, she was still nearby. Lily went to a boarding school, in Scotland. Even if Lily found out about something, it had probably happened one or two days before, and then by the time she left school, it would still take her approximately four hours to get home (via Knight Bus) because there was no way she was going to take a Portkey. And not only that, but for nine months out of the year, Lily was at Hogwarts, which meant that there was only one quarter of the year that she was there for her parents.

She expressed this to Petunia. "So, you see," she finished, "this is a completely different situation."

"Did you start feeling guilty before or after you decided to leave that school of yours?"

"Before, of course," Lily replied.

"I don't think you did," Petunia said, but so quietly that Lily couldn't hear her. "You got a letter today," she added, this time so that she was audible.

"Oh, really? Where is it?"

"I put it on your desk, along with all your other unopened ones."

Lily groaned. Unfailingly, Severus had sent her exactly one letter every two days, even though she thought she'd made it painfully clear that she wasn't talking to him anymore, whether face to face or through letter correspondence. Now feeling slightly sick, Lily left her dinner unfinished on the table and went up to her bedroom to read.

She placed her bag on her bed and sat down at her desk, dreading what she was about to do. Then she looked, really looked, at the stack of letters from Severus Snape.

"Crap," she said, and pulled out a piece of paper.

Dear Sev, she wrote.

I know, you're trying to apologise. I'm not going to forgive you. You know, if we were really friends, then you wouldn't have said something like that. So I have two muggle parents? Does that really change what kind of person I am, or how talented or untalented I am at magic? And, if things like parentage do somehow come into the equation, maybe I should inform everybody about your parentage. I would do it, mark my words, Severus.

Please, stop writing to me. I haven't even opened one of your letters, and as a matter of fact, I'm saving them up to burn them in the fire when it gets too cold.

Leave. Me. Alone.

From Lily.

Sighing, glad to have that off her chest, she picked up an envelope and slipped the letter in, writing 'Severus Snape' on the front, and left it on her desk for when the next owl came from Hogwarts. Then she started sorting out the things on her desk – she'd neglected everything lately, so it all needed sorting. When she was done, she had a small in-tray labelled 'firewood', with three stacks of letters from her former best friend, and three other letters.

Two were from Hogwarts – one was the customary booklist and ticket for the train. She started reading this one, and when she was done, she posted the booklist to an old pin up board above her bed, which also housed the Gyffindor flag, and moving pictures of her and her friends. She took down the ones with her and Severus. They weren't friends anymore, so why did they need to be there? Everything in her room that had something to do with Severus Snape was getting destroyed in one way or another.

The second letter from Hogwarts was a personal letter from the Headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore.

Miss Evans,

It has been brought to my attention by several of your teachers that you have failed to return to Hogwarts for the school year. Your friend, Miss Prewett, has informed me that it is because of a family-related issue. I understand your position, and I hope everything goes well for your family in this time.

If you wish to continue your magical education in your absence, I am more than happy to let you do so, all you would be missing is the practical aspects (which, in your case, I am not worried about in the slightest). I wish you a safe and happy return when you decide the time has come.

Professor Albus Dumbledore.

Lily beamed: she knew that a genius like Dumbledore wouldn't let her get away with something like that. This opened up a new opportunity to her. Not only could she stay at home with her family, but she could also continue learning magic!

Then she remembered something, and her confidence deflated. She was still unsure whether she was in control of her magic, or if it had left her completely. She took out her pen and paper again, and penned a reply.

Professor,

About magic – I was wondering if you could give me an answer to a question I have. Can it ever truly leave you? I mean, does there ever come a day when it just decides to get up and leave, and it never comes back? It's just that, ever since I got the news that my dad was dying, I've noticed that I haven't been completely... there. And I was wondering if that was it.

Either way, I would be delighted to continue learning from home. Just tell me what I need to do, and I will do it.

Thank you very much,

Lily Evans.

She put this letter to the side as well, and pulled out another pice of paper, on which she wrote 'go to Diagon Alley', and stuck this to her pin-up board. She would make a special trip tomorrow.

Now, Lily turned her attention to the third letter. This one, unlike the other two, had come through Muggle post, so was stamped and addressed correctly. Confused, as there was no return address, Lily ripped it open, to find an invitation staring up at her from the desk.

"A birthday party?" she asked herself, bewildered. She scanned through it, and afterwards, she felt even more confused than she had before. Her boss had invited her to his son's seventeenth birthday party.

Hey guys! It's currently one in the morning while I'm editing this, ready for it to go up on the site, so excuse any mistakes I might have made. And for those of you that read the last chapter before I changed it - I'm sorry! I just mixed up a name and age, so I changed Kimberly to Marjorie, and they're not five, they're eleven. I was just sitting there, and I was like "... Vernon has a sister called Marge... shoot!" and scrambled to change it before any lasting damage was done.

Enough about me though! Big, big thank you to my lovely reviewers, You're a fish ass and Jessluvsharry. Also thanks to Jessluvsharry for her belated review on Chapter Two, but you reviewed it anyway, instead of waiting!

Just one more small question - has anybody ever received a mosquito bite in their belly button? Is that even possible? o.O

Oh well. Leave any questions, comments, criticisms and thoughts in my inbox by pressing the 'review' button.

Love always, gabiellexx