DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer, along with Little, Brown and Company, owns all the rights to the Twilight Saga. I own nothing and profit nothing from this story.
I blindly drove, not having a destination in mind. I didn't want to go home because I knew Charlie would be there. I would never get up the stairs without having to sit down and talk. Knowing I couldn't drive forever, I settled on First Beach.
This was when having a best friend would be handy. I needed to talk with someone and the list of options was anything but perfect. The first logical choice would be Kim, but I knew she and Jared had whatever special plans they'd planned for. I didn't feel comfortable calling Angela. Yes, we were friends, but we hadn't been as close since she first started dating Ben and I began dating Edward. I could call Edward. He knew everything to know about the situation, even having been inside Sam's mind. But I chose against him as an option. I had to consider how it might hurt Edward if I came to him for relationship advice with the man I chose over him. Then there was Alice, my once best friend. Alice being a force to be reckoned with, might, as much as I loved her, give me advice that would lead me back to Edward. I knew she was hurt that I left her family, and she had a need to have things her own way.
My next thought was of Jacob Black. Ever since he learned of my relationship with Sam he took to avoiding me. So I didn't think he would be any more interested in seeing me now than he had been the last couple of weeks.
That left me alone to deal with my problems. Why couldn't Sam just tell me why he loved me? Why couldn't he reassure me that he loved me on his own freewill? I loved him so much and it hurt to think of not being with him. But how could? Could I lower myself to being in a relationship based on a lie? His love for me was a lie. Magic or fate or whatever it was made him love me. It wasn't real. Then there was the knowledge that taking me away from Sam would hurt him. I didn't know if I could knowingly hurt the man I loved.
At some point in my thoughts I had put the truck in park in one of the spots in the parking lot at First Beach. I looked out the window to see it raining buckets. No surprise there, I thought bitterly. My plan to walk on the beach dissipated in front of me.
A sudden tap on the window caused me to jump in my seat. I turned to see a very wet Jacob standing at my door.
"Are you okay, Bella?"
I debated on lying, but settled on the truth. I shook my head.
"Open up the other door. I'm coming around." He disappeared from the window and I reached over to unlock the passenger door. Jake yanked the door open, flew inside the cab and shut the door quickly.
"Wow, it's really storming out there. Which brings me to question what you're doing sitting her."
"I needed to think."
"Couldn't find a more peaceful place?" he teased.
"The rain sort of ruined my plan."
"Yeah, it tends to do that around here. So what did you need to think about?"
"Some things that have come up with Sam."
Jacob took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What did he do?"
"Why do you assume he did the doing?"
"Because he'd be stupid not to forgive you instantly for anything you could have done. Plus, you're too sweet and kind to ever hurt anyone, at least on purpose. And if it was an accident, then there would be nothing to apologize for. Though, knowing you, you could be here thinking and punishing yourself for something that's not even your fault. Which in turn means it would be his fault. So pick your reasoning, but my bet is that he did something."
"Well…" I began, avoiding eye contact.
"See, I told ya." I looked over to see him grinning like a mad man.
"Don't get too cocky there, Jacob."
"Seriously, Bella, you can talk to me. I'm sorry I've been a jerk the past couple of weeks. I'm just not in Sam's fan club and to know that you would date him, even after what I told you…upsets me."
"He's a good person, Jake. In all honesty, you see only the surface and none of the underlying reasoning. And don't worry about the past. That's where it lies, so let's leave it there."
"I like the way you think, Bells. Though, you might be too forgiving. I definitely deserve some whiplash from deliberately ignoring you so much. But if you insist we move on, I won't complain. So back to the person you evidently haven't forgiven, if Sam's such a great guy, why are you sitting in the pouring rain alone in an empty parking lot?"
"You know about his past relationship with Leah."
"Sure, I was the one to first tell you, wasn't I?"
"Yeah, you did. I thought they were over and done with completely. But apparently she has a knack for finding herself in the same place as him. Plus he still thinks of her as a friend, one he, from the sounds of it, plans to keep in his life indefinitely."
"Being friends with an ex doesn't sound like a crime, Bella. Are you maybe overreacting a bit? You know I'm not an enthusiast of the guy, but you've got to give him some room. Some guys go for the jealous girlfriend type, but not many. And to be honest, I don't see Sam being that type of guy."
"I give him room!" I said affronted. "And I'm not jea–" I stopped mid-word, because the truth stood that I was jealous, extremely jealous. "Okay, I am jealous, immensely so, but I have good reason. You haven't heard me out completely. Her showing up isn't what bothers me so much; it's what happens when she does."
"And what exactly happens?"
"She flirts shamelessly with Sam. And he does it back, though I'm not sure that he realizes that he's flirting. He thinks he's just acting how one should with a friend. Only she's not just some friend, she's a friend that's seen him in ways I haven't."
"We're talking about sex, right?" he asked through narrowed eyes.
"Yes, but let us not anymore. Moving to a different issue, they have pet names for one another and they still use them."
"All right, I can see how that might make you feel uncomfortable. Do you have names for one another?"
"No, not really. I only call him Sam. And when I questioned being able to call him 'Sammy' like Leah does, he freaked out. Told me not to use that name, not that I would because she came up with it, but it still hurt that he won't even allow me use it."
"And Sam doesn't call you anything? Not even 'Bells'?"
"Nope, he usually calls me 'baby'. But as I told him, half the male population uses that. I bet some even use it so that they don't accidently say the wrong name."
Jacob snorted. "I'd be willing to bet you're right about some guys. I'm sure that's not why Sam uses it though."
"Perhaps not, but still, he calls her 'Lee-lee'. It's so cute I want to vomit. He does on rare occasion call me 'mé'oonna'."
"See, I know what that means and I know that some of the male population uses it, but not in that form."
"I know and I do value the difference, but he hasn't used the name in awhile. I miss him calling me 'mé'oonna'. It made me feel special."
"Okay, so the issue is that you feel he puts more emphasis on Leah with the usage of nicknames."
"Yeah," I said, feeling like it was such a minor thing spoken aloud to some else.
"So it's an easy fix then, nothing to end a relationship over. The flirting though, that might be a bigger deal. Did you point out what things were flirting specifically to him?"
"No."
"Next time you should. Like you said, he probably just doesn't realize it. He has to make a more conscious effort, but he'll need you help and direction. That dated for a long time, and old habits die hard. Just give him a bit of time to relearn how to act around her. Okay, so any of Leah related problems?"
"It's not just about Leah, it's the whole tribe."
"The whole tribe, huh?" he chuckled. "What did we do?" he teased, though I didn't laugh.
"No one likes me, Jake," I whined, sounding like a five year old.
"Everyone loves you, Bella; you're hard to dislike. Kind of like how people love kittens, even if they're not fans of cats, people naturally like you."
He tried, he did. But sometimes he was too nice and too naïve. People did not naturally like me. In fact, some naturally disliked me. Point in case: Paul and Rosalie. Though both had their reasoning, each disliked me immediately upon meeting me, if not before.
"Not true, Jake. Plenty of people don't like me, but maybe I should reword myself anyway. Everyone disapproves of me."
"Disapproves?"
"No one thinks I'm right for Sam."
"Oh, because you're a pale face and he's the closet thing this tribe has to a chief besides my dad, right?"
"Yes, everyone thinks he should marry Leah."
"Obviously not everyone thinks that."
"Why do you say that?" Did he know something I didn't?
Jake rolled his eyes before answering, "Sam clearly doesn't think that way or else the two of them would be married already."
"He's stuck with me," was my explanation for that.
"Stuck with you? You do realize that you keep saying things that make little to no sense, right? Why would any man feel stuck with you? Sam should feel honored to have your affection. I know I would."
Cue blush. I hated when Jacob made such comments. I would have thought with me now dating Sam, even with our current problems, Jacob would have lay off the lines.
"He doesn't feel stuck with me, he is stuck with me." God, how do I explain this without all the mythical creature hoopla? "Sam has this idea that we're meant to be together. That he and I are soul mates."
"Do you believe that too?"
"Yes," I answered automatically. "We are soul mates, I firmly believe that. But the problem is that I don't want Sam to be with me for only the reason that he thinks he's supposed to. I want him to…"
"Want you for you, no outside influences."
"Exactly, I know why I love Sam. I can list off everything I love about him."
"And you doubt his love for you, that his love for you is true?"
I nodded my head solemnly, "Yeah, I do."
"Why?"
"I asked him why he loved me; he said because we belong together, that I complete him."
"Not sure if he could have been a little vaguer," Jacob mumbled, but I caught it.
"My point exactly. His lack of an answer leaves me believing that it's just the imp– I mean soul mate thing that keeps him with me. I don't want my entire life based off of some false love."
And you shouldn't have to, Bella. Maybe he's just stupid."
"That's your answer, he's stupid?"
"Not actually, just that he's a guy, Bella."
"Thank you, Jacob; I'd never realized that before. Here all this time, I thought I was in a relationship with a girl. My mistake," I said sardonically.
He ignored my comment, continuing, "Guys don't think like girls."
"Again with the obvious, Jake."
"See, right now is a perfect example. I think I'm being clear in my answer, but you clearly don't. There's a communication barrier between the sexes. Perhaps Sam has more trouble than most getting over that hurdle. He's not exactly a teddy bear kind of guy, Bells. He's mom has high expectations of him, he's dad split when he was young. Sam has no siblings or close cousins."
"Your point?"
"He probably doesn't know how to open up. You know, with his feelings and junk. Most of us guys generally suck in that area."
"So you're saying he may love me for me, but he just doesn't know how to express that properly."
"Precisely what I'm telling you."
"Well, that's stupid."
"I apologize on behalf of my entire gender that we, too, are not perfect."
"What's this 'too' you speak of? Females are perfect as far as I know," I teased.
"There's a lot you don't know, Bella. That is why you have me, your best friend, to help you out on occasion."
"I guess I'll keep you around."
"Gee thanks, Bells," he said rolling his eyes. His face turned serious before continuing on, "Seriously though, you should just give him a chance to tell you how he feels. Don't get flustered if he doesn't catch on right away. Just explain your position like you did to me and see what he says."
"I would think you would be telling me to just dump his ass."
"That's what I would say if I didn't really care about you. You clearly love him or you wouldn't be so torn up now. And so the best thing I can do is to give you the best advice to keep and better your relationship with him. I just want to see you happy, Bells."
"You're too good of a friend, Jake. I don't deserve you."
"Well, it's a good thing your opinion doesn't matter then. I decide who my friends are and I say you qualify with flying colors."
"You're also a big dork," I laughed.
"You must be one too to have a best friend that's a dork."
"I suppose I am."
I cranked up the truck and started for Jacob's house. It was getting late and I needed to head home. Charlie would be worrying. I didn't want him sending out the hounds looking for me.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, I voiced a question that had been bothering me, "By the way, why were you walking in the rain before you tapped on my window?" Jacob gave me 'are you kidding' look. "What, it's a reasonable question?"
"Do I look stupid, Bella? Walking in the torrential downpour called rain does not appeal to me. No, I was driving by with Embry; he just got his license. I made him stop after I saw your truck sitting there."
"Oh, well, I'm glad you stopped. I really needed to talk to someone. I even thought of you as someone to talk with, but I figured you wouldn't want anything to do with me still."
"Bells, I'm really sorry about ignoring you. My dislike for Sam shouldn't interfere with our friendship. I won't let him get in the way of relationship. You should know, no matter what you decide with Sam, you always have me as a friend to stand by your side."
"Thanks, Jacob. I hated thinking I'd lost you. I need my sunshine. I do really value our friendship."
"Me too."
He hopped out of the truck and ran up under the porch overhang. Before opening the front door, he turned to wave and grin at me. I had my friend back. At least one good thing came from today.