So I figured I had no excuse not to finish this seeing as exams are over. So just warning you that Alex has lost his mind. Very dark last chapter.

Enjoy!

Ben shook his head to bring himself out of the memories. The cold itchy sheets placed him firmly in reality. Ben put wolfs card down on the table beside him; he remembered every detail of that mission even his – what he thought was his- last words to Alex. The doctors told him that he very nearly died; he had been shot in the stomach and if he hadn't gotten out when he did then he probably would have.

But Alex did die. Ben's stomach ached when he tried to clamp down on the threatening tears. He would have adopted him, he could have saved him. If only Alex had lived, they could have healed together.

"A break in at the Royal and General bank leaves police baffled. The break in was so efficient that no traces were found, nothing looks to be taken. It was thought to be a highly organized team of terrorists." Ben glanced at the news that was playing above his bed. MI6 was broken into? That's impossible.

"...A man who goes by the name Alan Blunt was found brutally raped and murdered at his home. The police have no suspects..." Ben stared at the screen, who would do such a thing? Bens mind briefly landed on the broken boy at SCORPIA. But that was silly.

Alex was dead and Ben had never felt so alone.

I don't know whether it was hours, weeks or even months. But I coasted through a numb veil of awareness that kept me both vigilant and protected. A part of my mind – the MI6 part- kept careful track of what was going on around me. I couldn't afford not to. But mostly I coasted in and out of the grey fog, just wanting to give in and embrace it.

I was often pulled back into that waking reality after a particularly strong ache of my injuries or the stench of my soiled bloody clothes. This time it was my vigilant part waking me, telling me that we were ready to go. I knew I had been crouched behind the small thicket of bushes for quite some time. It was the only small triangle of space that just missed detection from the MI6 building looming in front of me.

I had never tried to break into MI6 before, well that is if you don't count getting into my uncles office. But that was exactly my plan; thankfully with MI6 efficiency came predictability. I had been consistently returning to this spot for a few days now, trying to find a way in. The only time there was the slightest chance was during the guards switch. Normally this was when there would be the most guards, but a small glitch in timing often occurred and guard EAST often came hurriedly a few seconds late.

I watched as this happened for the third night in a row, leaving a very pissed off guard waiting for his shift to end. I knew his hands would cross over his civilian clothes that hid a very effective gun.

I had three seconds. As soon as the guard looked at his watch, I darted from the bush and all but dived just out of his immediate line of vision. Unfortunately this meant that the cameras could see me. Luckily, during the exchange no one really watched the camera. But that was a slim few seconds of time. The next second, guard EAST turned his body predictably to face the direction the new man was sure to come. A quick jab to the temple later and he was out for the count.

I had only a second left, tearing the guards' walky-talky from his belt I turned it on. "Intruder, running WEST, he is armed, all security to pursue." I said, making my voice husky, something I had been practicing since I first heard the guard.

I was in the building before anyone thought to check on the person who made the report. I went immediately to the plain looking bank desk. Everything screamed normal, but to me it just screamed allusion. I hoped over the desk making sure to step only on every third tile, lest I activate the motion sensors. And as tempting as that was, I knew I had to do one more thing before I was allowed to be sloppy.

I bent down and removed hidden tile, beneath there was a tangling of wires that could have been for the automatic doors. Grabbing two, I cut them with scissors I didn't realize I had. Why didn't you use those to get me out Alex? I nearly screamed when I heard Jacks desperate plea in my ear. I'm so sorry Jack, I thought. I snipped the last wire and the "Bank" went dark.

I don't remember how I got into the elevator shaft or when I had started climbing the wires. But the auto-pilot soon stopped and I was stuck to pulling myself up. Each wrenching haul up the sharp wire left my arms screaming and my chest aching. My lungs felt like they were on fire. I'm on fire now, because of you. I choked on a sob as Jacks voice reappeared. Maybe it was because everything was so dark and my desperate mind needed to see something, but soon Jack was there in front of me. Her bushy red hair was torn and heavy with blood. Her terrified eyes that once held such warmth were bearing down on me with such betrayal that I looked away. Ashamed.

She's not there Alex, you killed her, you deserve this, I thought to myself. The pulling seemed to have more purpose now, I wanted to drag myself up the shaft to escape from what was surely my mind.

How could you do this to me Alex, we were friends. You swore I would never get hurt. Look at me, LOOK AT ME DAMNIT. Tom screeched with such fury that I literally shook, my gaze traveled to the left of me where a boy was so burnt his face was drooping. Burnt flesh was dripping off of him, sending waves of smelling over cooked meat in to my face. I began to weep. They were right, I deserved this. I knew how high I was in the shaft, just letting go would mean sure death.

But I gave my life for you. I couldn't stand it; I stopped in the shaft very aware of the minutes ticking by.

"Ben" A normal looking Ben faded into Alex's view. "I'm so sorry Ben", I left my tears fall freely and glanced and the terrifying faces of those I had killed. The only ones who had every cared.

I gave my life for you Alex, he repeated, voice as firm as though he was truly right there, I gave my life so you could live.

I scrunched up my face and took a ragged breath, my arms ached and my head hurt and I was sure I was going crazy; but they were right, it would be selfish if I stopped. I had to finish what I started.

The rest of the way up, Ben, Jack and Tom followed whispering the horrible truths of my betrayal. Sometimes they were encouraging, other times they made me just want to drop if only to stop their voices.

I finally pulled myself up the last metres of wire and barley managed to open the elevator doors. By now I could hear voice's downstairs and I knew I didn't have very long.

I walked calmly down the hallway to Mr, Blunts office. Breaking down the door and stepping over the shattered pieces, I picked my way through the documents. I grabbed the one on blunt and as an afterthought the one on me as well.

"There are signs of forced entry, backup requested." Way down the hall I picked up on a voice. I didn't think, I already knew what I had to do. Running into my uncles once locked office, I tore open the window. No use trying to jump through because I knew it would be bullet proof and therefore boy proof. I shimmed out the window and without a thought stuffed the files under my shirt and jumped.

I always wondered what I would have looked like, a bloody boy diving out a window only to just barley grab the national flag. It tore quickly though so I had only just managed to grasp onto the pole before it fully ripped. I slid down, trying to ignore the burning in my legs and hands. Almost comically, while plunging down a 2 story pole, I realized I was hungry.

And I laughed. I laughed because of the absurdity of it all. I laughed because I was happy, because I was sad. I laughed because I was desperate and so filled with terror that the feeling of euphoria really didn't belong. And I laughed because I was hungry, because after everything I've been through my body could still think about food.

I can't eat anymore, I didn't bother trying to figure who had said that but it just made me laugh harder. When I landed I kept laughing, running as far away from the baying hounds behind me.

I'm not sure when I stopped, or how I lost MI 6 but soon I was in an abandoned old shack. It smelled like someone recently urinated in here, but then again that could have been me. Stiff muscles and tired dry eyes were the least of my complaints as I adjusted myself gasping in agony.

My body had decided it had enough, no more running or Alex. Jack, Tom and Ben weren't there anymore and I didn't know whether or not I was happy about that. I was currently sitting in a dusty old corner, which, I noted, was a vast improvement on my previous locations. At least there was a roof. I was too tired to check outside to see where I was or if I was being watched. Instead I simply slept.

He was in his bed, sleeping peacefully as if he had any right to. It was Blunts fault for so efficiently ruining my life, in some ways he was worse than SCORPIA. In fact, in most ways. His plain white room and simple furniture left little to the imagination.

There were no photos on the wall, no keys on the table or magnets on the fridge. But I barely noticed these things. I had only just come out of my grey fog and into the waking reality. Hours or days had passed and I hadn't noticed. But I fully recognized what I was about to do and it made no difference.

Blunt only had time to open his eyes and see me before I had knocked him out. I was scared by my body next actions, wasn't I only going to kill him? Instead my body moved on its own accord, pulling rope from a backpack I didn't realize I had on. I knew I got his address from the file I had stolen. It was the whole reason I had taken it. A life for a life. But this was an entirely new level. And I couldn't bring myself to feel remorse.

Blunt came to when the cutting started. The bloody rag in his mouth stopped any screams and his being tied to the bed, spread eagle kept him from hitting back. I had never before felt such save glee or such a feeling of being detached and amused. The dominance the power!

I started on his chest, dragging zigzags down the contours of his body; his muffled screams were pure pleasure. He deserved this, I couldn't stop laughing. I knew I sounded insane.

"This is for all the times I have been forced through torture, all the times I have been shot at. It was all because you bloody fucking git, sat behind your comfy desk and told me to go."

I cut deeper, circling his nipple and pulling it away from his body leaving a gory circle of flesh. I took the nipple and shoved unmercifully up one of his flaring nostrils.

I owed this man nothing.

But it wasn't enough, soon I was slashing, carving up his ugly body like it would bring my loved ones back. Because of Blunt I lost my childhood, never got to have those adolescent experiences. Never got a normal first kiss, a normal date. I would probably die a virgin.

That was when I truly new my sanity was past returning. I watched Blunts terrified eyes, showing more emotion than I had ever seen. No I wouldn't die a virgin.

With that thought I slowly took off my shirt, watching his eyes widen in surprise and terrified understanding. When I stood fully naked before Blunt, I took my knife and cut his clothes off. He really was ugly inside and out.

"This is for Jack you asshole", I crouched over his head and tore off his gag. Before he could get a word out, I shoved my cock down his throat. I laughed when he started gagging.

"This is for tom." I screeched in his ear, laughing as he flinched again and again.

"One bite and ill cut yours off" I whispered to his clenched face.

"Suck it you slut, you deserve this, you deserve to be treated like scum. Like I have." I laughed.

It wasn't enough though, It wasn't just the humiliation I saw on his face. No, I really wanted to hurt him. I tore away from his face and shoved the gag back in. Then I lost my virginity. Not to someone I love, not even to a girl. But to my greatest enemy. And boy did he scream.

There was so much blood, I cried but kept going when the voices came back and cheered me on. And when I finally came, I had never felt emptier.

I stood up and whipped myself off with Blunts clean clothes. Not looking at him, I said the only words that could ever express my feelings towards the man.

"I hate you." There were no other words, Blunt just shut his eyes and nodded, like he knew what was next. I grabbed his gun from under his pillow and put it right to his forehead. The man didn't move, didn't try to plea. I ripped the gag from his mouth but he remained silent.

"This is for Ben."

I cocked the gun and tightened the trigger slowly.

"Wait, Ben's a..." He stammered with urgency.

BANG

Time elapsed again and I found myself back in the floating mist. I just couldn't bring myself to care, outside Alex could take care of himself. But my escape was brought to a quick end and I was pulled back to the forefront of m mind.

I found myself walking into a shabby little pub in the bad part of town. It must have been late because the place was packed full of drunken men sloshing their drinks around. Some kids in their twenties were grinding on each other by the entrance, wild hair flailing much like Jacks used to.

It was like the very thought of them brought them back, because there at the far corner, well out of the way of others, sat my family. Jack, Ben and Tom all beckoned waiting fingers towards me and I felt obliged to go. With my chin resting on my chest I noticed I wasn't wearing my old clothes, in fact they were clean and didn't reek. I probably stole from Blunt, or maybe I just mugged someone. I honestly couldn't care. I had hurt so many people already, what was one more?

I noticed several drunken stares find me as I limped slowly to the back corner. I collapsed into the booth, my back to the wall. Old habits die hard. My three dead friends stared at me, watching me carefully through their weary, drooping eyes. A new wave of burnt flesh met my assaulted nose.

I just couldn't take it anymore, all this pain. I felt so trapped inside my own mind. I was filled to the brim with guilt, remorse, and pure agony, and it was all I could do to not just burst into sobs. It was too much, just too much. I drew In a ragged breath and slipped a mask on. I wouldn't bother anyone else with my pitiful emotions. I refused to do anymore harm.

"What can I get you sir?" I held my breath in surprise when a pretty young waitress stopped at my secluded booth.

"Double whiskey." She didn't even pause as she left to get my drink. I wasn't surprised really, just bitter. To think I must look so beaten and torn that fourteen year old body no longer matched my world weary mind. It seemed others noticed. When the whiskey arrived, I raised it in mock solute to the three in front of me then tossed it back. The liquid left a scorching trail down my throat. I had never had alcohol before but I felt like I was entitled to. I raised my hand to the bartender to get another.

My uncle always swore up and down the drinking was the worst way to solve your problems. But it seemed the only way to numb the pain. Four shots later, my already exhausted body began to complain. Everything hurt, I was hungry, I was sure I had a fractured rib because breathing hurt like hell. And my body was still recovering from my first ever sex. Let's be honest: rape.

My heart clenched, I was going to hell. I had killed so many people, I had raped someone, I had murdered my only support in the worlds who still watched my every move with grim pleasure. It just wasn't fair, I felt like I was drowning. My hand ghosted to the backpack beside me.

I knew there was a gun in there. It would be so easy, to just give up like he had been promising himself. Just one-shot and all the pain would be gone and it would only be fair. What had he said earlier? A life for a life? But I wouldn't do it in here, too many people. I wouldn't upset them. No more hurting others.

My hand slipped into the pack, just to feel the reassurance; yes it would all be over soon. But on the way I felt the file. The one I had take from Blunts – the name brought up bloody images of a man just as broken as I was- office. It was my file. I pulled it out, not caring who saw, nothing mattered anymore. My young innocent face stared back up at me and I felt immediately nauseous. I slammed the file closed and threw my head down on the table.

The world had taken my life. It was always planned out for him, from the very beginning there was always a plan. Uncle Ian trained me from the time I could walk, and then when he died MI6 took over. Even SCORPIA had a plan for me. But it was never my choice.

I imagined a life where I had a normal family, a normal upbringing. A place where I could make decisions and not be blackmailed, where I could live without hurting others. And it was so tempting to just give in to that illusion. The want to just run off and make a new life, a new name, a whole new family. And the world would never know. But it seemed like the easy way out, to hide from death when I had delivered it to everyone else so willingly. They didn't get a choice, so why should I?

Jack, Ben and Tom just watched me, like they knew I was about to make a life altering decision. And that's what got me the most, it was my decision. The gun or the file?

I threw back the fifth shot of whiskey and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. No, it's not my decision; I don't deserve to make it. It seemed right when I pulled out the coin, only fair to let the world, to let chance decide what it wanted to do with me. Either way I knew I would leave this pub, where I sat at rock bottom, and leave everything behind.

Heads I shoot Tails I runaway.

Either way I would leave Alex behind. I took a deep breath and tossed the coin in the air. It's shiny metal caught in the light, mocking my darkened soul. It landed with a clatter spinning once, twice, a third time before gently sliding to a stop. I stared at the coin, it was the worlds will. I left some money on the table and scooped up my things. I watched as my three fallen comrade's rose from the table and drifted out the pub. I knew I had to follow. Almost as an afterthought I wondered if anyone would ever know that that coin changed a man's life.

But it didn't matter, chance had decided. I slipped quietly out the pub, not once looking back. I left Alex in that pub and gave in to fate.

FIN