Sequel/Series: Yes, this is the fourth in the Lessons Series.
Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Penny and Ellex. Any further errors are my own.
Warnings: UST, angst, and suicide attempt
Summary: It's John's turn to learn a lesson.
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The gentle scent was faint but still lingered upon the pillow and blanket beneath his body as his fingers gently stroked the soft materials with reverence, longing and despair. Darkness gave the illusion of time held still, if only for the briefest of moments, and allowed memories to spill forth, welcomed and treasured. The joyous wonder of exploring the treasures to be found on Atlantis, the laughter and fun of playing with Ancient toys, the adventure of exploring new worlds, the companionship that turned to into a steadfast friendship, the accompanying snarkiness that reached levels no one else could understand.
So he waited every night for the last three weeks, waited for the door to open and McKay to lumber in, bitching and griping about privacy and wayward colonels with nothing better to do than bother those with real work. He held watch over this sanctuary, protecting it, keeping the others out, knowing there would be hell to pay if anything was out of place or disturbed when that door did, finally, open.
The door suddenly opened and his heart leapt into his throat but the form in the doorway was the wrong height and the wrong size.
Elizabeth remained in the doorway and did not enter. Despite the distance and the shadows, he could tell she had been crying. "It's time, John. It's time to let go."
The days had been spent sending out one team after another, contacting allies and enemies, and searching the area of space the alien ship could have traveled in the time prior to the bomb going off. Six days too late, the Daedalus had arrived and been sent out to search as well.
All base operations had been suspended for the last three weeks as they searched the galaxy for the scientist who had saved Atlantis once again. McKay had saved them from a hostile alien race and from their own stupidity.
"Tomorrow."
Elizabeth hesitated, then nodded and left.
This time the memories were haunting and painful. The anger at being questioned, the resentment at interference in his personal life, the disillusionment of his faith in McKay's abilities, the distance that grew between them like a spawning black hole. He'd built up walls to keep McKay out under the misconception that he couldn't afford to allow anyone to sway his opinion and put people's lives in danger.
No one had told him the truth, no one had pointed out his errors. It was only during the shocking silence after the alien ship disappeared off their screens did an inkling of the truth begin to bleed into his consciousness. Life without McKay was wrong. Up was down, the sun froze everything within its grasp, the universe tilted at a bizarre angle, and reality took on the surreal characteristics of a nightmare.
Tomorrow would arrive and he'd be forced to deal with the ugly details of a life snuffed out before it's time, deal with memorial service arrangements, write a letter to McKay's sister, and pack up the lifetime that existed in this very room.
He'd lose what little he had left of McKay.
Curling up into a ball, he heard something crinkle and searched the bed. Fingers skimmed over folded paper and he pulled it out, recognizing it as a letter. Sitting up, he read it and felt a cold shiver rush down his spine. McKay had been offered a prestigious position from the Chinese Government. Scanning through the pages, John came to the end and stopped breathing altogether.
The last two pages included drafts of an acceptance letter and a resignation letter. The harsh, cutting reasons shattered the last of John's shields and he bolted from the room.
"..become clear my authority is questionable at best…"
The halls of Atlantis passed in a blur as he ran from the room he'd taken comfort in for the last three weeks, but the words followed in his wake.
"…a lack of faith in my abilities…"
He could hear the blood rushing through his veins and his harsh breathing as he tried in vain to escape the accusations.
"…my presence is a continued security concern…"
The balcony loomed before him, spacious and inviting, while the ocean twinkled under the moonlight. His pace didn't slow, didn't falter, and just as he reached out to vault over the railing, hands grabbed him and threw him to the ground. Looking up, he was surprised to find Ronon glaring at him, and with a roar, he threw himself bodily at the former Runner.
The fight was bloody but John didn't care, driven by pain and rage and heartbreak as he struck out again and again. He wanted to wipe away the words with his fists, make the voice in his head stop, and rip his heart from his chest. It had to end, all this pain and misery, it simply had to end.
Thick arms wrapped around him, taking him down to the floor despite his wild thrashing, and held him tight against a hard chest.
"Why?" Ronon demanded, easily keeping John pinned down.
"He was going to leave! That bastard! He got a job offer and he was going to leave Atlantis, leave us all behind!" The words erupted with hate and bitterness as he continued to struggle. "He was my best friend, my best friend and he never said a word. Not one damn word! That self-centered, egotistical bastard! I hate him! I hate him!"
"No." Ronon's voice rumbled low in his chest. "No, you don't."
And the truth of those simple words broke John.
--end