Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Ellex and Laura. Any further errors are my own.
Warnings: Mention of suicide attempt
Summary: John's lessons continue…
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The heavy weight of silence echoed in the gym as Ronon and Sheppard finished their sparring match and packed their gear away. It was a silence that had been born after Sheppard's attempt to leap to his death, just days after they lost McKay. Oppressive and menacing, the silence hung over them like a dark cloud. And if Sheppard didn't talk about his earth-shattering epiphany and Ronon never mentioned his own brooding, hovering presence, then both could accept existing without words.
Sheppard started when strong, lean fingers, hardened from years of fighting, caught his hands as dark eyes glared at him accusingly. He watched without comment as Ronon gently probed the badly bruised knuckles and ugly cuts Sheppard had been able to hide until now. In quick, efficient movements, the former Runner withdrew a first aid kit from his gym bag and set about tending to the injuries.
Shocked by this act of kindness, Sheppard whispered hoarsely, "Why are you doing this?" He realized, at that moment, that one of his mistakes was believing nothing could break the hardened, quiet man before him. Because, as Sheppard watched, the hard-won control over emotions that Ronon exercised broke, and for a moment guilt and loss played across the Satedan's face.
"I can't do it for McKay, but I can do it for you. He'd want me to."
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It had been that simple exchange of need and comfort, not any sense of duty, that kept Sheppard from trying to take his life again. However, three months after the loss of Rodney, everyone was still unable to put it behind them. Zelenka grew harder and colder in his dealings with the Science Department, as if keeping them at arms length would somehow lessen the blow when any one of them died. The other gate teams had developed paranoid hypersensitivity to the dangers facing their team's scientists and the soldiers redoubled their training sessions with a vengeance.
Today found Sheppard's team escorting a group of scientists through an unexplored section on the far end of the city. Though Weir had never found out about his suicide attempt, she'd seen enough of his unstable behavior to ground him until he was cleared by both Heightmeyer and Beckett. Reluctantly, after several sessions, Heightmeyer had cleared him, though Beckett had been harder to convince given how much weight Sheppard had lost. It was only recently that Sheppard had been cleared by the doctor, and this was their first mission without Rodney.
The misty, gray day was heralded by a thick fog around the city and visibility outside the ancient walls had dropped to mere feet. Large drops of condensation ran down the windows that normally allowed light to pass through. Anyone venturing onto one of the many balconies throughout the city found themselves quickly covered in a fine sheen of moisture, their clothing punctuated by fat splashes of rain.
So, when Ronon scowled at the damp state of Sheppard's uniform, his pain clear through the anger, Sheppard sighed in resignation.
"There was a water leak in the last room Dr. Simpson checked."
Ronon cast a glance at the busy, female scientist, noted her uniform was in the same condition as Sheppard's, and nodded darkly. Months after Rodney's death and Sheppard's narrowly diverted swan dive off a balcony, the Satedan was still over-protective of the rest of his team. No amount of intimidation, bullying, threats of his removal from the team or physical violence in the form of sparring would make the solemn warrior back down from constantly shadowing his team leader. Teyla, Ronon's co-conspirator, took turns watching over Sheppard.
So Sheppard put up with Ronon's glares and tried to ignore Teyla's chronic habit of looking around as if they'd forgotten something or someone. He took enough ammunition to start a small war with him and cleared each room himself before allowing anyone else in. And if his thoughts were constantly exploring potential dangers, possible escape routes, and various other military strategies, at least it kept him from examining the gaping hole in his chest.
"Col. Sheppard?" Dr. Weir's voice broadcasted over his radio.
"Yes, Dr. Weir?"
"Colonel - " her voice broke, "John - you need to come to the infirmary. Now."
Sheppard threw a glance towards Ronon and Teyla who nodded, indicating they would watch over the scientists, as he keyed his radio. "What's going on?"
"John - John - " Weir sounded as if she were trying to catch her breath, "Major Lorne's team just returned. They found him. Rodney's alive."
/Rodney's alive/ Those two words echoed through Sheppard's mind as the sound of running footsteps filled the hall, reverberated through Sheppard's skull, and left him with no recollection of the trip to the infirmary. Every nerve in his body tingled, he registered the sharp smells of the disinfectant, heard every movement of equipment, every soft swish of fabric when someone moved.
Weir greeted him but he couldn't hear her words over the sudden sound of rushing blood in his ears, so he kept moving to the curtained-off bed and reached it at the same time his hearing returned.
" - don't need your sheep-herding voodoo to tell me what's happened!" Rodney's voice bellowed out, his face thin and pale but alive, Rodney's alive. Those blue eyes snapped in his direction and Rodney made a face. "Called in the Marines, have you, Dr. Beckett? Honestly, given that we're living in a city in the middle of the ocean, just where to do you think I'm going to go?"
Too shocked to correct Rodney's mistake on the branch of service he was in, Sheppard felt his voice crack as he spoke and prayed this wasn't another dream. "Rodney?"
"It's Dr. McKay to you and I don't answer to any military hoodlums! Dr. Beckett, I swear if you think you can - "
It was all wrong, the sharp, biting tone Rodney used as he attacked Beckett once again and the instant dismissal of Sheppard as just another nameless grunt. Rodney's face was set and closed off, giving nothing away aside from the obvious anger and disdain. Sheppard felt certain he had never met this man before, and something cold twisted in his gut.
"What's going on?"
That brought a look Sheppard's way that he hadn't ever seen directed at him before, the 'you're-so-stupid-I-can't-be-bothered-to-explain' look.
"It appears Dr. McKay has lost a little over two years of his memories, Col. Sheppard," Beckett began.
"Hey! What the hell ever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? Or do you commonly spout off highly confidential information to any bystander who asks?" Rodney was warming up to a good rant.
"Rodney, enough!" Beckett snapped.
"It's Dr. McKay to you too!" Rodney spat back.
Beckett looked like hell and sighed in defeat. "Col. Sheppard, perhaps it would be best if you leave."
Stung by the entire exchange, Sheppard backed away until he caught sight of Weir. "He doesn't remember."
"No. It would appear his memory stops several months prior to us finding the location of Atlantis. Dr. Beckett is running tests to make certain it is Rodney but - " there was little question on her face about this being Rodney. "Major Lorne's team found the wreckage of what appears to be a section of a Sheelian ship on PXD-596. Preliminary reports indicate that it's of the same design as the one left behind here." Her throat momentarily threatened to close up on her, the memories still too sharp. "Dr. Zelenka has theorized that Dr. McKay was somehow able to separate the section of the ship containing the hyper drive engines and make another jump before the explosion. The locals reported that the crash occurred about three months ago and they found Dr. McKay barely alive when they went to investigate."
Sheppard sat down heavily, his ears ringing as if he'd been too close to an explosion. "Will he remember?" When he didn't hear a reply, he looked up to see the sadness on Weir's face and it was all the answer he needed. "But it's still him. It's still Rodney and he's alive and he's here. That's all we can ask for."
Weir looked away from him but not before he saw the pain on her face.
"Right?"
--end