Spoilers: None
Feedback: Love it.
Beta: So much thanks to Ellex. All further mistakes are mine.
Summary: Where lessons lead to decisions.
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Nothing was right, Rodney thought, as he threw himself into bed that night after dealing with several minor disasters throughout the day. They were minor in that only a small portion of the city would have been destroyed, instead of the entire planet they were residing upon. And while Rodney was used to his minions cowering before his incredible intelligence and rapier wit, it was another thing entirely to see stupid mistakes made because they were afraid of seeking his help.
Radek had been cool and distant, not just with him but with the entire staff, keeping everyone at a physical and emotional distance. It was a punch in the gut to Rodney, to see the walls his friend had built around himself to keep others out. Over the years, they had worked out a system of Rodney yelling at the staff and Radek soothing tears – a kind of good cop/bad cop routine that drew the best performances from their staff.
Everything was a damn mess, everyone was so obviously hurting emotionally and Rodney had no illusions as to his ability to fix the damage he'd inflicted. A part of him wished to return to the disdainful indifference he'd wrapped himself up in and to not care how anyone felt. For a long time, a very long time, that had been his shield against a world where everyone felt a pressing need to belittle and dismiss him both professionally and personally. He had thrown himself into his work because it was something he understood, it was something he excelled at. Science had a rhyme and reason, unlike the unfathomable landmines of human emotions that more often than not blew up in his face whenever he attempted to interact with them.
The problem was, these people had become friends and family to him, and their volatile and often unpredictable eruptions of emotions could hurt him far worse than any physical wound. Ironic as it was, Rodney found himself right back where he started as his gaze fell upon the now hated letter on his nightstand. Did he raise his shields to prevent anyone from hurting him again or did he open himself up, make himself vulnerable once more to those whose opinions mattered to him?
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The sound of laughter and friendly back slapping felt like a knife in Rodney's gut as he watched from the shadows. Sheppard looked relaxed and happy, playing a game of basketball with the team's newest scientist, the rough and ruggedly handsome Dr. David Baskill. Dr. Baskill had, from the rumors that flitted around Rodney on any given day, taken to firing weapons, running for his life and various other military activities with the ease and grace of a swan to the air.
They played two on two, Sheppard and Baskill against Ronon and Teyla. They were all very athletic, very beautiful, and enjoyed each other's company. Rodney could see the activity as the team bonding moment that it was meant to be.
It was hard to breathe, hard to take in the scene of a 'stranger' fitting into the team so much easier and more welcomed than Rodney had ever felt. Emotions clawed at him under his skin, trying to break free as the laughter and friendly competitive banter filled the air.
His memories had returned a few weeks ago after a particularly daunting dream, but it had taken him a while to sort through all the feelings those memories brought forth. Trying to put a perspective on all that had happened, he'd waited too long, took too much time to come to the decision that had led him to search out his team. His former team. Even Ronon, who had hung on the longest, had finally moved on with his life.
There was nothing here left for him now. He turned and walked out, never noticed by those he left behind.
--tbc