Risky Business
"I've been spending all my time just thinkin' 'bout you,
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you"
-10-
November 28, 2014
Being unrequitedly in love with Chad Dylan Cooper is a bitch, let me tell you.
And it's not really that kind of nice bitch feeling that you get used to; it's that cruel, heartbreakingly bitch of a feeling that knocks you upside the head at random hours of the day.
Take this morning for instance.
I wake up in the crook of Chad's arm to find him leaning over me, staring at me. My first thought is to lean forward, kiss him, and keep the kisses going. (I was wearing Victoria's Secret, after all.)
Instead, Chad decides to slap the palm of his hand against my forehead, ask me if I'm feeling okay, and tell me that I was sleeping too damn long. (This would be coming from the short-headed Fabio leaning over me, shirtless and in his boxers. Bitch best friend.)
So, brushing my nice fantasy of him away, I slap the palm of my hand against his forehead, and tell him he has a temperature. Or he will, if he doesn't get the hell off of me.
Chad, of course, hurries up, gets off of me, and strides into the bathroom. Let me paint the picture for you.
Chad. A relatively good looking actor. In boxers. Walking away at a nice, slow pace.
I needed to wash both my eyes, and my mouth with soap.
I mean, since when do I ogle over Chad Dylan Cooper's ass? I mean, no one on the planet does that. Oh. Wait.
Hi, Ryan Seacrest, interview me now. I can talk to you for at least an hour about how damn swaggerific my best friend is. Him and his ass. I mean, I know I was after Chris Pine and Ryan Renolds for a while, but I think that Chad is totally the bombdiggity now. I think that I'm falling for my best friend. I'm totally Taylor Swift in her 'You Belong With Me' video. Chad Dylan is totally my Lucas Till. So, Ryan Seacrest, what gives?
I groaned, sat up, and threw my pillow across the room, then flopped back down. Who was I kidding, anyway?
Ryan Seacrest is totally happy with Abilene Ames. They probably had a smoking hot make out session the night I introduced them, are on their way to best friend land, and will be married within the month.
The thing is…Ryan and Abilene, Nick and Shae, Jill and Mother Lover are all happy. Are probably all best friends. But, unlike Chad and me, they can make out with each other any time they want, and ogle over each other's asses as much as they want, without faking a single thing.
Me?
I'm totally, ridiculously jealous, and it sucks.
"Sonny, it's your turn now." Oh. Sweet. Lollipop.
Whilst I was having Taylor-Ryan-Best Friend thoughts, I didn't realize that Chad Dylan Cooper was in my bathroom, showering.
But, about ten minutes later, he stepped out, a towel hung low over his waist, giving me a nice little heart attack.
Hi, are you there, God? It's me, Sonny. Thank you for making Chad. Thank you for giving man the power to make too-small towels. But seriously? A heart attack before I've sipped any coffee? Not cool.
I mean…Chad was wet. He was tone, and he was wet, and his hair was wet. And, in truth, I had no idea what to do. I mean…I could've sat there, gawking at him for forever and forever's mother, but still…Yum.
Chad sauntered over to his suitcase in that slow, painful way, turning his back to me. I licked my lips, feeling ridiculously creepy for staring at him…But then again, I didn't really care.
Believe me, if you saw him, you wouldn't either.
(Side note: I've kind of wondered how Shae and Nick's wedding night went. I never really understood how she found any hotness in him. But, with Chad, Chad's ass, Chad's wetness, and his towel, I completely and totally understood.)
Beside the point, Chad was digging through his suitcase, pulling out his clothes for the day (we were flying back to Cali), and I was still there, impatiently waiting for him to drop his towel and change in front of me.
But nooo.
After he finished grabbing his clothes (which there were…clearly, too many of), he turned around to face me, folded his arms, and smirked.
Ahem, Chad, you keep standing like that. Just wiggle around a little more and just…You know…
Never mind.
Realizing that I needed to wake up and face the music (you know, I eventually figured out that Chad wouldn't be dropping his towel in front of me any time soon), I gave him an innocent shrug, threw the covers off, and stalked off to the bathroom.
About fifteen minutes (and me, soaking wet later), I figured that two could play that game (y'know, Chad's Towel Temptation one), so I wrapped a towel around myself and walked out of the bathroom.
Except, Chad wasn't in my bathroom.
He was probably downstairs smoozing my dad.
Bitch best friend.
Ooo000ooO
"Don't forget, when you feel the least like making love, wear the zebra print. When you feel spiciest, wear the solid color sets. That way, your personality and lingerie will balance each other out." These would be Jill's departing words for me. I mean, who in the whole wide world has relatives like this? Just me?
Well, if anyone wants to take Jill, please do.
Her other kids are fine, but I always can't help but to wonder…will the one she's currently harboring be as perverted as she is?
Let's hope that the kid is more like Jill's husband.
Then again, if the kid is at all like Laketon, he'll be calling Jill so many times a day, that his horny mother's personality will finally catch on and… Ew.
"Bye, Jill." I pulled away from our little embrace, waved at Laketon (who was talking to Chad…probably about his mom), and dashed in the airport.
I already had a tearful goodbye with my mom and Amy, and a sarcastic one with my dad. Jill's just that little, horny ray of sunshine that makes everybody look forward to bigger and better things.
Somewhere in the background of Jill's life, is a Michael Scott making constant jokes off of the things that she says. No pun intended.
And if you don't get what I just did there? Sucks for you.
Anyway.
Ooo000ooO
You know that myth about a cat having nine lives?
Meet Nathan, the cockroach that I supposedly killed upon the minute I entered my dwelling. Actually, after Chad dropped me off (without coming in), I stumbled into my bathroom, because I really, really had to pee. And there Nathan was, on my toilet, probably taking a leak.
I screamed, grabbed my bottle of Bath and Body Work's Moonlight Path shower spray, and sprayed the sucker.
It ran around for a little while, paranoid by the fumes, but finally gave up, crawled into a corner, and waited for Cockroach Heaven.
I'm a girl, so I of course refused to pick it up. Chad could handle that job tomorrow, when he brought my Starbucks by.
Then an hour later, as I was in the kitchen grabbing a bowl of Cheerios, Nathan flew by.
I know what you're thinking…But no, it couldn't have been another cockroach. Because, when Nathan flew by, he simply reeked of Moonlight Path.
As he flew back and forth in front of me (probably pacing…debating on how to murder me), I didn't know whether to grab a frying pan and run after the pest or just let him go.
Chad would never love me. Maybe Nathan would.
Nathan then landed on my counter, and started walking backwards. I'm really not sure how he managed, but he did. And then, he took off, aiming straight for me.
It was like Attila the Hun, let me tell you. Out of instinct, I grabbed the sink spray thingy and aimed for him.
In a few seconds, he was dead.
Or so I thought.
Two hours later, I was on my couch, in sweats, downing a pint of Ben and Jerry's when Nathan flew by.
This time, he smelled like a watered down version the spray.
This….This frightened me.
Reflexes kicking in, I reached for my cell phone on the coffee table and pressed '3' – my speed dial for Chad.
I'd call the police…but they might claim me as crazy, so, yeah. No thanks.
"Chad…could you please help me?" I was sure that Chad perceived me as scared and frightened on the other end.
"Sonny, I'm-wait, what's wrong?"
"Just. Hurry."
It really was an emergency. This really was a killer cockroach. And it really was out to get me.
Nathan…Oh, screw it, his name is now Lazarus…landed on my coffee table, causing me to gulp, clutch my cell phone closer, and utter silent prayers.
I mean, how many deaths do you hear about where people get killed by cockroaches? None. Nada. Perhaps because the little pests have a secret tactic.
You know, once they bite you, they give you a heart attack, so when the doctors do your autopsy, that's all that shows up. The disgusting bugs walk away free and clear.
You don't hear about cockroach jails or anything like that.
Nathan-turned-Lazarus belonged in one.
Nathan-turned-Lazarus was backing up again, probably getting ready to pull out all the stops and finally put an end to me. I whimpered, thinking about all of the things in my life that I hadn't done.
I mean, Chad would never know that I'd fallen in love with him. And even though he probably doesn't feel the same way back, he'd at least know how I felt. I mean, who doesn't like to hear that someone loves them? Seriously.
I wanted life. I wanted to live. I wanted Lazarus to let me be. I wanted Chad's comfortable arms around me.
With that thought, my apartment door swung open, causing Lazarus to bolt off the coffee table, rush by my head, by Chad's head, and out the door.
Thank. God.
In the midst of it all, I heard Chad let out a slew of cuss words followed by a "what the hell was that?"
"A-Attila the Lazarus." I stuttered out as Chad finally stood in front of me. Then, my eyes widened.
Early this morning, (when he was on top of me), Chad was wearing boxers.
A little after that, he was wearing a towel.
During the plane ride, he was wearing jeans and an Abercrombie T.
Now…Now he was wearing slacks and a white button down. Since when did we have a date?
"Attila the Lazarus?" Oh. Right. I looked at Chad (who was looking at me dubiously) and shook my head.
"It was a cockroach. The reason why I called you."
"That," Chad's blue eyes were widened to their fullest extent, "was not a cockroach. It was a bat that smelled a lot like you." Chad walked over and sat down on the couch beside me, while I bit back a nervous laugh.
Half nervous because of the cockroach. The other half nervous because Chad looked really, really good. And I wanted his lips on mine.
"I tried to kill it with that spray stuff you bought me."
"That Bath and Bodyworks stuff?" Chad nodded. It was sickening how calm he was being about this whole situation.
"Yep." Change of subject. "You look nice." He looked edible, but I wouldn't say that to his face.
"I had a date with Taryn." Chad shrugged it off like it was no big deal.
My heart leaped inside of my throat, and smattered into a thousand pieces.
Way to break a girl's heart, here.
I mean…Taryn's blonde and Paris Hilton-like. How could he honestly go out on a second date with her? What did he see in her?
He belongs with me.
She's a slut, and I wear sneakers, she's slut captain and I'm on the bleachers…
Damn you, Taylor Swift.
(Side note: We ALL know that that's how the original, non-edited version of that song goes.)
Damn you, Taryn.
…And, blondes aren't more fun. If you don't have Victoria's Secret, you're no fun at all. And thanks to Jill…
It's been a really, really long day.
So what should I do?
Clearly, I should apologize. Because, clearly, Chad wants to be with Slut Bitch instead of Cute Bestie (who's longing for him).
Instead:
"You-You walked out on your date for me?" came my whining voice. Way to sound totally cool and totally casual, Sonny. You totally deserve a freaking Oscar for that one. Blah.
"Um, you kind of sounded desperate." Chad laughed it off, and I merely felt a glare coming on.
Way to be nice to your Cute Bestie, Bitch Bestie. I mean…seriously? Slap me in the face, why don't you, Chaddywhack (literally)?
I held my tongue.
I kind of wished that Chad was holding my tongue. Or massaging it…with his.
Like I said…long day.
"And I completely understand why. That thing was totally humongous! I mean…Grand Canyon huge. Sonny, I would've been out of the apartment, how'd you do it?" And there's the best friend I know and love (like…really…love).
But…we can't dwell on that now, can we?
"How'd your date go?" Why did I have to ask that question? I mean…have you ever felt your heart break? It's totally not an exaggerated saying. I felt mine break at that question…because Chad likes Blonde Bimbo Bitch and not Cute Bestie.
Why?
I'd like to know why.
"It was..." Chad shrugged, and bit his lip (looking adorable, might I add), "okay."
And just like that, one tiny, pathetic piece of my heart fell back into place. Feeling bold, I held my arms out, crawled into Chad's lap, and let him engulf me in his famous bear hug.
I mean…being besties is totally the best. But, y'know, if Chad could throw in a kiss, make out session, make-love (session), and the L word every now and then, that'd be pretty great too.
Oh…
I'd also take an engagement ring, wedding ring, and about five cute kids if he was offering…But that's just…yeah.
Snuggling up to him after his date with Bimbo was enough for now.
At least, that's what I wanted to make myself believe.
Lyrics: Cailliat, C; Nowels, R – Falling for You by Colbie Caillat
A/N: Hey everyone, I'm SO sorry that it's taken me so long. Lots of things came up, I started classes again, and life got hectic. I promise that I'll never take this long to update again, though.
On another note, Chad dropped his date to rescue her from a cockroach! And no, I have no idea where the cockroach scene came from. :)
So, if you're still reading, thank you! And I'd love to hear what you think. :)