Risky Business
"Oh, why? That's what I keep asking,
Is there anything I could've said or done?"
-21-
February 13, 2015
At around 10pm on February 3rd, I fled. I first called Mara to tell her that I quit…everything. Then I hopped on a plane and headed home. My mom and dad were out of town on cruise. Amy was touring in Europe. Jill, on the other hand, greeted me with open arms and nearly killed me when she hugged me with her pregnant belly.
She looked like she was the Octomom on steroids, and she was just carrying one child. (Even though I might be a blubbering mess over Chad, I can still make sarcastic comments, can I not?)
Over Pringles, Oreos, Nachos, Nutella, and Chunky Monkey, I told Jill everything. She took it rather well. At first, she swatted me for lying to her, complimented Chad's ass, asked what I had done with all of the Victoria's Secret stuff (she would), told me that I was a depressing human being, burst into tears, and then started laughing hysterically. Pregnant horny women. Gotta love 'em.
And after she let me mope for approximately one day (enter February 5th – 12:01 am), she started telling me to "fight for Chad".
That confused me.
He's the man.
He's the one who's supposed to fight for me.
He's the one who should have to hop on a plane, fly to Wisconsin, and beg me to come back.
Then again, as Jill so explained, Chad thinks I'm in Paris, and it's entirely my fault, and I'm the one who needs to beg for his forgiveness. She also mentioned something about how much easier it would be for him to forgive if I was just wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie, but I let that slide.
What I hated most though, was that she was right.
And I wanted to do something. I wanted to fight for him, and, at least, have him as my best friend…but I was scared.
I've been scared of rejection, of what he'll say, of confessing that I did keep things from him out of foolish fear, and that I've been wrong. But, no matter what, I'll always remain completely, hopelessly in love with him.
Here's the thing…I've got the whole entire speech written out in my head, rehearsed, and ready to go. I've also been brushing up on episodes of Friends (the Ross/Rachael, Monica/Chandler ones), The Office, and movies like "My Best Friend's Wedding," "Made of Honor" and "When Harry Met Sally."
Here's the thing…Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal got to me at first with the hating each other (kind of like Chad and me), and they of course had all of the, um, sex discussion (not me, maybe a little of Chad), but then they had this tragic thing happen, and fought for each other.
I mentioned that to Jill, and she gave me a thirty minute speech on the movie. Never happening again.
I just… I wish that I'd have the strength to fight. To make some truly amazing speech and win Chad back. But this isn't a movie. This isn't fiction, this is real life.
And in real life, from what I've observed, there is pain. Lots and lots of pain.
But because I received a phone call from Jason this morning, I made a dash for the airport, bought a ticket for California, and have sat in the waiting section ever since, playing absentmindedly with my iPod in between Jill's pee-runs.
"You know, they say that if you listen to things…womanly pleasing…it'll motivate you to win your loved one back." Jill plopped down on the seat across from me again, rubbing her pregnant belly.
I looked up at her, waiting.
She continued. "Robin Thicke, Dierks Bentley, Josh Turner…They all have pleasing voices and really, really sex- I mean, romantic songs." Jill smiled innocently.
I cringed for the baby inside of her, wondering how it would feel to have a mother who talked so openly about "sex" and "lingerie". I wondered if the rest of Jill and Laketon's bunch knew what the words truly meant. Then again, they probably thought that they were in the same category as Legos and Barbies.
"Um, I, um, yeah." Great response, Sonny. I sighed, continuing to thumb my way through my "recently played" list. I had a lot of sad country songs on there.
Depressing, I know.
"It was nice of Jason to call you." I stared at Jill. This was the mother side of her talking now.
"I know."
"Did he say how far Jamie was dilated?" I cringed. What a big word. What a…ick.
"No."
"Did he say if her water had broken yet?" Yet again, I got a disgusting image in my head.
"No."
"Did he say how far apart her contractions have been coming?" Seriously, Jill?
"He said that she was at the hospital, fixing to have the baby, and that she wanted me to be there." And I would be. I'd be delighted to see the look on little Aubree's face when she told me about her little baby brother or sister. I'd be delighted to see Jamie and Jason cooing over their sweet newborn. I'd be happy to see the new baby.
And, I'd be…well, I'd be pretty damn scared to see Chad, I'll reckon.
Excuse the southernisms in the last statement. It just…helps to ease the pain and my scared-shitlessness.
Yee-haw!
"That's so nice. Do you think you'll be able to make it for the birth of my little J-squared too?" Jamie rubbed her belly innocently, while I had a flash of Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles (stars of Supernatural), coming out (of the closet). Thankfully, they both have wives (last time I checked). Which is sad, too. Jensen Ackles is to die for.
Anyway.
I gulped.
"Of course."
I wanted children desperately. I wanted to have Chad's babies. But, looking on the bright side, if Chad doesn't take me back, maybe witnessing all of these births will ease my want of having children.
Or maybe not.
Before I knew it, the boarding call sounded. My cousin pulled me in (yet again, had me praying for air) for another hug, and I walked with shaky steps to board the plane.
In a couple of hours, I'd be in California.
And in a couple of hours, I would be desperately trying to avoid Chad Dylan Cooper.
Ooo000ooO
Little Colton Maddux Smith stared up at me with wide, shockingly blue eyes, and opened and closed his mouth as if he was determinedly drinking something (which he wasn't).
Clearly, he wanted Starbucks.
Clearly, he was going to grow up to be one awesome dude.
I stared down at the sweet baby boy swaddled in my arms, and grinned, praying that my tears would stay back. In the meantime, Colton's little fist (with the tiniest fingers I had ever seen), shot up in the air and waved around for a few seconds.
He was clearly trying to express how glad he was to be held by such an awesome person (me). And I was all too happy to hold him.
He was definitely, definitely an awesome little guy. Because, not only did he appreciate the awesomeness that I am (he doesn't know about me breaking his uncle's heart yet), but he wants Starbucks (the mouth popping), and his name is Colton.
Colton.
It's like the Colts and Peyton (Manning) all in one!
If Jamie and Jason hadn't produced such a sweet little man after my own heart, I would've decked them for stealing the name.
I sighed, the baby closed his eyes, and I shuffled quietly over to the seat.
When I arrived at the hospital, Chad was nowhere to be found, Jamie was exhausted looking and trying to force Colton to breastfeed, and Aubree was telling her dad how badly she needed to pee.
Now, thirty minutes had passed, Colton was in my arms, Jamie's out like a light, and Aubree went off with her father to pee.
Here's the thing.
Peeing does not take thirty minutes.
Here's the other thing.
I'm pretty sure that Jason escaped with Aubree to go and get some decent food. I can't blame him, though. Hospital food sucks.
With the thought of things that "suck" I got a little pang in my chest, and Chad's image filled my mind. I missed him.
I miss him way too much. I know that I deserve his silent treatment. I know that he has every right to hate me. But still, he was my best friend for years. And it's hard to let that go.
I wondered if he missed me too, or if he just hated me so much that his hatred overwhelmed any sympathetic feelings that he had for me.
But, he said that he loved me. You just can't fall out of love with a person that quickly, can you?
Because, no matter how much someone hurts you, if you truly love them, wouldn't it take months, even years, to get over it?
I swallowed, and looked down at a now-yawning Colton. His little eyelids, beneath thick red eyelashes fluttered multiple times, before he decided to look up at me with a really, really wide-eyed expression again. Seconds later, the flutters began again, and his eyes closed, his breathing steadied.
I shook my head, amazed at how this little miracle, only a few hours old, could be so…entertaining. Amazing.
I was truly grateful that he possessed the ability to take my mind off of Chad, if only for a few moments.
Sighing, and running my fingers gently through Colton's downy-soft red hair, I moved over to place him in his crib. In the meantime, Jamie snored loudly, lightening the tension that I was feeling, but I held back my laugh.
"I guess it's a good thing you're napping along with your mom, huh, little guy?" I softly stroked his cheek, and gulped, attempting to swallow the pain down that was bubbling up.
"Sweet dreams, dude." I leaned in and kissed his cheek, before I could stand up though, a shadow of light from the door opening and then closing crept in the room, and I spun around, prepared to silence Aubree and Jason from any exclamations, etc.
However, instead of Aubree and Jason, the man who I needed so desperately to see, but so terribly wanted to avoid was staring at me.
As my eyes locked with his, I realized that Colton, Jamie, and Chad had the exact same eyes. Yet while Colton's were filled with sweet innocence and Jamie's with joy, Chad's were a mix of emotions. They contained sorrow, pain, and something else that I couldn't quite replace but I wanted very much to mean love.
Lyrics: Mathes, R; Shamblin, A – Why by Rascal Flatts
A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I could give you all of my excuses, but I'll just leave you with: friends, company, relatives, Christmas, Kindle. Seriously though, I got a Kindle for Christmas, and I'm obsessed with it. And I do love writing, but I just haven't had the time. Seriously, if I could take a year off, move to London, and eat, tour, and write – I'd be content. But anyway, I hope all of you had an extremely wonderful, blessed Christmas. And I promise that I won't take a month to update. I already have the next chapter written, and I'm working on the epilogue (which is very, very exciting!).
The one sip of champagne I had for New Years is officially getting to me as I write this note.
Last but not least, I would like to thank each and every one of you who reviewed, and have read this story! You really have no idea how much I appreciate it! I would've replied to all of the reviews, but I thought that you'd prefer an update instead. But seriously, thank you!
-Aly