Van Helsing Parody! Part2
Drac: Oh audience...oh audience...welcome back to the parody!Me: Shut up drac,that was supposed to be my enterance! Anyways,welcome everybody...I am back...and soo is everyone! Yes,it is that time again to laugh...so be prepared...and get an extra pair of pants (you'll piss your pants!)...Grab your popcorn...IT IS TIME! Enjoy...and I DON'T own any VH characters...or anything...EXCEPT for the Midgit...lolz Oh and btw my computer is being retarted...so when there is only two dots...or the sentence doesn't make sense, fill in the blank with the name,Mr. Hyde... just warning you!
Film starts again...We are in Paris,France...One year later...
Van Helsing: *whistles the tune of The Hunchback of Notre Dame* Gee...I wonder if there really is a hunchback in Notre Dame...welll...while I am here...
(Screams and an evil laughter in the distance)
Van Helsing: Well, I wonder who that must be...*sarcasm* I had travel soo much just to fricken find you? That's green...so green...*sees dead body on ground* Hm...a prostitute...*searches her pockets...pulls wallet out,puts it in his pocket..* At least I have to get something outta this...
(In the distance, is seen jumping in the church.)
Van Helsing: *runs inside the church...then scans a room* Come out,come out wherever you are...*snifs the air* Geez...it smells like shit in here...
: BOOOOO! Did I scare you?
Van Helsing: Wha-Oh ummm not really...but can you just close your mouth? It smells like a freaken sewer in there... *looks away...about to gag*
: *breathes in his hand,smells it,scrunches his nose* Hmmm...must have been that chicken...it had a serious case of diareha...
Van Helsing: Ugh...that's gross,man...seriously...
: *rolls his eyes* So,you're the great Van Helsing...
Van Helsing: And you are a deranged psychopath...
: We all have our little problems *breaths smoke in Van Helsing's face...,then eats cigar*
Van Helsing: Ughh...what the hell? Why in the world would you eat a cigar...don't you even know that smoking is bad for you? Sorry audience but I may have to stop this...just for a sec...
We now interrupt this program with the words of Van Helsing
Van Helsing: Hello,audience. I welcome you to Stop Smoking You Worthless Piece of Shit. With our guest... !
(Booing occurs in the audience)
:*growls in anger,sits down in a childish pout*
Van Helsing: Alrighty then...so you have split personalities...is that correct? *sits down in a chair*
: Yes...
Van Helsing: And you have murdered a few women,children,a group of faggots,and a massacre of poultry...How do you feel about that?
: I feel pretty damn good! What does this have to do with anything?
Van Helsing: Well...it might help us all with a solution...
: And what would that be, pretty boy? *lights a cigar*
Van Helsing: *rings a bell*
Mr. Hyde: AHHHHH the bells! THE BELLS! *cigar falls out of his mouth* Its soo damn loud!
Van Helsing: Exactly! That's the point! This stopped you from your problem...and that is...
Audience: Smoking!
: *a wtf look* F*** this! I am getting out of here! *starts running*
Van Helsing: *gets tojo blades out,throws it at 's arm*
: *screams* Gaw damn it! You little booger!
Van Helsing: Woah,woah,woah,woah booger? Is that all you got?
:I'll kill ya ,ya know. Slowly,and I won't regret it...*grabs Van Helsing,and throws him at the audience*
Random old lady: *gasps* Are you okay sir?
Van Helsing:*nods,nurses his head*
Old Lady: *walks on stage* You are a very nasty man...*hits with her purse* Take that! and that!
(audience cheers the old lady)
: *can't take it anymore,and throws old lady at the wall*
( The stage walls collapse,and the scene is back to Notre Dame)
: *pushes Van Helsing out the window.*Bye bye sucka!
Van Helsing: *grabs the grabber gun...thingie...whatever its callled...and it pierces * I am not gone,yet!
: *is pulled down* My turn! *pulls string up..van helsing goes up with string, crashes through a window...string brakes*
: Huh? NOOOOOO! *falls to the ground*
Van Helsing: Woopsss...
Vatican City
Van Helsing: Sorry,Father for I have...*crosses himself*
Cardinal Jinette: Sinned...Yes I know! you are very good at that! *looks really pissed off, slaps Van Helsing in the face*
Van Helsing:Ow! What the hell did I do?
Cardinal Jinette: Don't blaspheme and use the devil's home in this sacred church...And you are sooo stupid..you know...
Van Helsing: why?
Cardinal Jinette: You shattered the rose window!
Van Helsing: Ohhh...that...woops...But wait! Hold on...that wasn't me,that was !
Jinette: *slaps Van Helsing again* It doesn't matter who did it! You picked the wrong place to fight him! But you are indeed sent to do God's work...
Van Helsing: *rubs his face* Why can't He do it himself?
Jinette: Once again,stop blaspheming...it is not very nice...
Van Helsing: Then, why can't you and the Order do something about it?
Jinette: Stop being so lazy...The reason is that we do not exist...
Van Helsing: Well then neither do I...
Jinette: *opens a hidden path* We have been doing this thing for a long time...we have protected earth and the people without them knowing it...now we have a new assignment for you...
Van Helsing: *sighes* What is it, now?
Jinette: So anxious now,huh? Well,here it is: You need to go into the wilds of Romania...well you need to go into Trannsylvania,at that...and uh...get rid of this a-hole...I cannot cuss..so a-hole it is...
Van Helsing: *sees a slide of a man* Hmm...looks familiar...What's his name?
Jinette: Count Dracula...You haven't dealt with anyone like this before...He is...anyway..EVIL! He is a vampire...the undead
Van Helsing: sounds horrible...* yawns...almost falls asleep* Is that all?
Jinette: Do not think that this is a game...this is probably the hardest mission you have to do! There is another part to this...though...A family..the Valerious has been trying to kill him for over 400 years...there are only two left,.Prince Velkan,and Princess Anastasia...or she is known as ''Anya'' or ''Anna''.
Van Helsing: *sees a slide of Anna...and drools*
Jinette: Soo..uh will you do this?
Van Helsing: *wipes drool* Uh...yeah..I guess...
Later...
(The priests start dancing the macarena in the backround)
Van Helsing: *starts dancing..but stops hearing Carl's voice*
Carl: So did you kill him at all? i noticed that everyone is quite mad at you...so I assume you have...since you..uh
Van Helsing:*ignores Carl and eyes a machine gun* Can I have that?
Carl:Umm...no You haven't gone after vampires before,have you?
Van Helsing: Vampires,warlocks,gargoyles,they are all the same...best when cooked well
Carl: o.0 What do you mean by cooked well? You eat monsters?
Van Helsing: No,Carl I was just kidding...
Carl: Well, anyways vampires are not the same...my granny could kill a warlock...
Van Helsing: Oh...speaking of grandmas...I saw your grandma last night...
Carl: Really? how is she?
Van helsing: ummm fine...I guess
(old lady in the audience has a bunch of casts on from throwing her)
Van Helsing: *turns Carl around to face him* Soo umm...I want you to come with Trannsylvania with me.
Carl: *nervous* The hell I am
Van Helsing: Carl,aren't you a monk...You know very well that monks do not curse at all..
Carl: Actually,I am just a friar..I can curse all I want...*starts saying a bunch of cuss words*
Van Helsing: o.0
Carl: *smiles* and I am not in the fricken world going to Transy-
Van Helsing: *grabs Carl by shoulder* Lets go CARL! *grabs a bunch of other weapons with him..and a crossbow*
To be continued...
Well, thats the end of chappie 2! I know that the first chap was better,but i think this was two boring parts of the movie...sooo it will get better..and DRACULA just might take his shirt off! Yay! Review and I'll update!