Van Helsing Parody! Part 3
Hey everybody! I am back! Grab your popcorn,and get ready for the show...AND! I do NOT own any VH characters...
Vaseria Forest
(Velkan is tied up on a pole for bait)
Velkan: *sings* I am a little teapot short and stout- *starts whimpering* here...is...my handle...here..is my...
(Werewolf growls can be heard)
Velkan: *sweats,then pees in his pants* Oh...oh dear! ANNA! Get me the hell outta here!
Anna: *from the bushes* Stop being a sissy,Velkan! Just sing on the freaken pole,and relax! Geez...*mumbles in Romanian*
Velkan: *to self*O.k.,Velkan,calm down,be a big boy...yes! You are a man. A man who had just...*says discouraged right now* peed his pants...*pauses, then whines* I AM A TOTAL FAILURE!
(werewolf bursts from trees)
Velkan: *screams like a girl*
Werewolf: o.0 *in werewolf language* This man is a weirdo! *shrugs and leaps for Velkan*
Velkan: *gets out of rope, flips over to top of pole* Woah! I made it! *raspberries :p* You can't catch me!
Werewolf: *looks annoyed and pissed off*
Velkan: Oh shit! Help me! Pull me up! Pull me up!
Random villager: *listens to Ipod*
Anna: *pulls out sword,heroically,making her enterance*
Velkan: Is anybody listening to me? Help me! *pulls out a twig,hits werewolf on head with it* Take that,you stupid puppy! Bad dog,bad dog! Stupid Great Dane! (apparently Velkan thinks that the werewolf is a dog...o.0)
Anna: *sees villager with Ipod,knocks earphones off by hitting at head* You idiot! Help Velkan!
(villagers try to pull lever)
Random villager: Ah well the mother f-er is stuck
Villager#2: Yup...That's not good...
Midgit: Who wants to go to Hooters?
All villagers: I DO! *runs away*
Anna: WAIT! What the hell are you guys doing? *rolls her eyes* Men...
Velkan: *jumps on tree branch,hands on knees,sings nervously* There was a dog who had a bone,and Bingo was his name-oh! B-I-N-G-O...
Anna: *tries to find gun,sees it,but then werewolf sees her* Oh shit! what to do...ummmm...Good wolfie...away with you...away... RUN!
(Werewolf runs after Anna,chases her to cliff)
Anna: Crap! I forgot that fricken cliff was there!
(werewolf pounces)
Velkan:* finally is brave,shoots at the wolf* Don't mess with my sissie!
(Velkan fails epically and falls in water with werewolf...a slight chance of a bite on him...)
Anna: Oh my God...Velkan's dead...*sobs for a second* Ah well... No more annoying brother,huh...*sighes* I am getting a drink...
Vaseria Village-Van Helsing and Carl's arrival...
Van Helsing: I wear my sunglasses at night *has sunglasses on,sings this as loud and obnoxious*
Carl: Umm...Van Helsing...I don't think the villagers quite like your singing...
Van Helsing: Why wouldn't they? I am so fabulous! You know,Carl,after this mission,I wanna be...*starts singing* A billionare so fricken bad...buy all the things i never had...
Gravedigger: Excuse me,sunglasses dude, but what in the hell was that?
Van Helsing:*turns around with a smile on his face: * It's the song,Billionaire,by Travie Mc Coy
Gravedigger: I know that,you idiot! You just sang like a jackass
Van Helsing: But,that doesn't make any sense...And,if you enjoy insulting me,then I oughta...
Gravedigger: No,you sing like that jackass over there *points at donkey with a MJ wig*
Carl:o.o
Van Helsing: Hmm...you do have a point there. All the monks back at the Vatican think I sing horrible
Midgit: The Vatican,eh? What was your purpose there,pretty boy? *pokes Van Helsing with a stick*
Van Helsing: *flinches* What the hell was that? *looks down,then picks up midgit*
Midgit: Hey! hey! Put me down you son of a bitch!
Van Helsing: Oh yeah,and what are you gonna do about it?
Midgit: *pulls out gun* I would want you to meet my little friend. Hey Frankie, wanna meet pansy boy? *pokes gun at Van Helsing's chest*
Van Helsing: Uh...nice to see ya,Frankie *gulps,puts midgit down*
Gravedigger: So,you say you wanna be a billionaire?
Van Helsing: You talking to me?
Gravedigger: Yeah,Robert DeNiro,I am talking to you
Van Helsing: Umm...well yeah I do...
Gravedigger: *pulls out stereo* Well, then it starts here! *puts on ''Rasputin'',by Boney M*
(Everyone starts dancing)
Carl: Um,...I think I don't like this at all..
(Carl gets grabbed by bartender lady to dance)
Anna: *walks in with a shocked face* What the-
Midgit: Come on,Anna, DANCE!
Anna: o.o No thank you *gets lost in crowd,sees Van Helsing breakdancing* And who are you supposed to be?
Van Helsing: *looks up to see Anna* What did you say?
Anna: I said,who are you? *says this louder*
Van Helsing: Oh, I am here to help you *says this as loud as he can over the music*
Anna: What?
(Anna gets grabbed by many guys who wants to dance with her)
Meanwhile...in the sky
Verona: Alright,so we have to find Anna,right?
Marishka: Yup
Aleera: Wait can you hear that?
Marishka: Hear what?
Aleera: *shouts* Just listen!
Verona: Sounds like music... In the village? Are they celebrating something?
(All three shrug,they are now descending on a rooftop in the village)
Aleera: Wow...they are dancing...
Marishka:Let's join them!
(Aleera and Verona look at Marishka as if she was a lunatic)
Marishka: Oh come on...we at least need some fun while we're here...
Aleera: Yah,but that Valerious brat is there...
Marishka: She won't see us...she is hidden in the crowd...Everyone looks drunk..sooo...they won't notice either...
Verona: It is a big risk,Marishka...
Aleera: Verona,Marishka is right...it's our time to shine!
(The Brides swoop down to join the dance party...luckily no one noticed their attendance..)
In Castle Dracula...
( Dracula arises from his coffin...his shirt is off and is wearing black boxers...interesting detail)
Dracula:*sighes* What is taking them so long to bring me Anna?
(Dracula then decides to go to the village to see what is going on)
Back in the village...
(Everyone apparently is having fun...the song is almost ending...sadly)
Van Helsing: Carl,I don't think this is such a bad place at all...Everyone's partying,having fun,smoking,drinking. Even the abinsinthe is excellent! Boy,was Cardinal Jinette wrong about vampires...
Carl: Hmmmm...I don't think that's the case...Vampires sleep during the day...But it is rather dark outside...I guess they aren't...*spots the Brides*
Van Helsing: Woah just look at those babes...
Carl: Umm...Van Helsing...
Van Helsing: *isn't listening to Carl* God,they are soooo sexy...I am gonna talk to them..
Carl: Van Helsing...i think they are...
Van Helsing: Yeah that is what I am gonna do...well...manly pose,Van Helsing,manly pose.. *walks away*
Carl: vampires...* sighes* He never listens to me...
Anna: *had enough with this* Ugh...what the hell is wrong with people these days?
(Dracula is here...like the Brides no one seems to care or notice)
Dracula:o.o What the heck is this? Dancing? No screaming,yelling,attacking? I think I am gonna like this..
Random dude: Want some beer,sir? *gulps the bottle like crazy,hiccups*
Dracula: I never drink...beer
Random dude: *walks away,mutters under his breath* pussy...
Dracula: Damn the smell of alcohol is too strong...Perhaps it is time to make my moves...sometime..better music must come on
(Oddly,there is a DJ there,and Drac requests a song,tango music comes on)
Dracula: *looks around for a dance partner* Hmm...aha! What a pleasure there is to see the princess again...
(Anna tries to get through crowd, and sees Dracula)
Anna: Dracula? What are YOU doing here?
Dracula:*grins* why to see you my dear,care for a dance...
Anna: I think I rather not...*makes retching sound*
Dracula: I think you rather...*grabs her hand*
Anna: Let me go...*barely struggles from grip*
Dracula: *looks with loving eyes* why would I? I finally have the beautiful princess I wanted in my grasp...*pulls her gently to the center of the dancefloor,takes off his jacket,spins Anna*
(Crowd watches as the two dance)
Anna: *frowns* I am only doing this once,don't ever talk about it again...
Dracula: As you wish...but I may never forget it...
(Van Helsing chats with Brides for a while,and then turns to see Anna with Dracula)
Van Helsing: Is that...
Aleera: *looks where Van Helsing is looking at,shrieks in jealousy* THAT WHORE!
Verona: That bitch!
Marishka: That...that...FLABERGASTING PIECE OF PEANUT!
Verona and Aleera: o.o
(the Brides then start to attack)
Dracula: Ladies,now do stop!
Anna:*gets thrown by Aleera*
Van Helsing: Vampires! *takes out crossbow*
Carl: I told you!
(Villagers get out of drunkines...somehow and freak)
Anna:*gets up* EVERYBODY INSIDEEEEE!
Woman villager: Get the chickens!
Cow: *whistles,eating grass* So you know,I am sitting here minding my own business...and...*gets thrown in the house by a bride* this really sucks!
Dracula: Brides,please STOP YOU BRATS!
Verona: Marishka,Van Helsing was against us,he's the enemy...kill him!
Marishka: Love to!
Aleera: *has her lesbian moment,trying to rape Anna...lolz j/k* Hello...Anna...YOU BITCH!
Anna: You're a bitch!
Aleera: No you are a bitch!
Anna: You
Aleera:No you
Anna: NOOOOO YOOOUUUUU
Verona: Shut up you are both bitches...
Anna: Well, guess what Verona you are a bitch too
Verona: No I am not!
Anna and Aleera: Yes you are!
Verona: AM NOT!
(Van Helsing kills Marishka)
Verona and Aleera: AHHHHHHHHH MARISHHHHKAAAA OUR DUMBASS IS GONE!
Dracula: oh...well she really was a dumbass anyway..*flies away,apparently he didn't notice who Marishka's killer is...*
Cow: Moooo! I am ok,people,ok...
Audience: YAY! Five stars for the cow!
cubanagurl: Yupp he did good,right? Now...SHUT UP! Alright,on with the film!
Van Helsing: Welll, that was a rollercoaster
Carl: I think you just missed your enemy,Dracula...
Van Helsing: Is that who what's -her-face was dancing with?
Gravedigger: Omg,you killed a vampire,you bastard!
Van Helsing: And that's bad,why?
Anna: Well,it means they'll kill for revenge...I am Anna by the way...you did manage to save our lives though..
Van Helsing: Why were you dancing with fancy pants?
Anna: Oh...you mean Dracula right?
Carl: Yes...why in the world were you dancing with him? He is your enemy
Anna: *lies* He-uh put me in a trance...
Van Helsing: oh...well you're okay now..
Anna: So what is your name,kind sir?
Van Helsing: I am Van Helsing
(Everyone gasps)
Anna: the monster hunter,huh? Well, you are worthy...no one has killed a vampire in over one hundred years...I'd say that earns you a drink...
Van Helsing: *nods follows Anna to house* YES! more liquor!
Carl: Don't you think that you had enough liquor?
Van Helsing: Shut up,Carl,just shut up...
Annnnndddd CUTTTT That's the end for now! Review and I'll update! OR NO COOKIES! MWAAHAHAHAHA!