Chapter 22

Author Note:

Whoa, another post so soon? I am so generous haha. Actually I just feel like an arse for making you wait so long for an update before....arse is a word right? British people use it? Yeah, I think so. They also call parking lots "car parks", which I find incredibly amusing for some reason.

And as long as we're indulging in random facts: did you know that all the swans in England are property of the queen? Also Socrates was a really big arse apparently. Anyway, read on :)

"Miko, may I ask you a question?"

"Huh?" Kagome jumped - she had been very busy worrying the ends of her kimono and enjoying the peace and quiet of this lovely day...this lovely day that could be her last. She was desperately trying to forget about that though, that tomorrow she might be taking the first step towards becoming organic fertilizer. She chose to refer to her possible death as "becoming organic fertilizer" rather than "being eviscerated in a bloody, horrific mess" because it made her feel better. It also made her feel less like throwing up.

"What offense has that kimono dealt you?" Sesshoumaru asked lightly, indicating the wrinkled mess you had reduced her hem to.

Looking down, Kagome noticed the mess she had made of the magically reinforced yukata gifted to her by a god. She almost felt accomplished at managing to ruin such an impervious garment, but mostly she was just annoyed that Sesshoumaru was calling her out on her rapidly increasing anxiety.

She scowled. "Oh, shut it you! I'm nervous, okay? Are you happy now?"

He lifted a brow. "Nerves will not aid you in battle, miko, I suggest you discard them."

"Yeah, well...that's easier said than done," she muttered, wondering if anything EVER phased him. Not even the possibility of death seemed to have any affect on him, so what did? Though, now that she thought about it, perhaps his unwavering indifference made sense. Everyone always asked the rhetorical question "who's afraid of the big, bad wolf?", yet no one ever asked the wolf whom he feared for there was no one bigger or badder than the wolf.

And Sesshoumaru was definitely the big, bad wolf of the demon world...even if technically he was a dog. Whatever, the point was that maybe the reason Sesshoumaru was never afraid or even nervous was because he truly had no one to fear. Though, Kagome found such fearlessness incomprehensible: in her experience everyone was afraid of something even if they tried not to show it. Maybe death just wasn't one of Sesshoumaru's fears...maybe it was cats?

An image of a fully transformed Sesshoumaru, in all of his youkai glory, whimpering with his tail between his legs as her cat Buyo licked himself came to mind and nearly had her snorting with laughter. She snickered under her breath, but was quickly silenced with an icy glare was quickly leveled in her direction.

I swear he can read minds sometimes, she thought with a shiver. It was terribly disconcerting to think that he could peruse her thoughts, especially when lately a great deal of them involved Sesshoumaru himself in a none too g-rated manner. She blushed as a few of her more...detailed fantasies came to mind.

Clearing her throat, Kagome turned her quickly reddening face away and started fiddling with her sleeves again.

Misinterpreting her distracted behavior as further signs of distress, Sesshoumaru sighed and stopped in his tracks. Kagome, who was far too concerned with getting her complexion under control to notice anything less than a category 5 hurricane, suddenly found herself being taken by the shoulders and turned to face the very object of her fantasies she was trying so hard to forget.

"Eeep!" Kagome squeaked in surprise, her deep, brown eyes going wide and searching frantically until they found his.

"Miko, I have never known you to shy from a fight, no matter the adversary," he said, returning her gaze with an added intensity. "Why now do you shake with fear?"

"Wh-what?" Kagome stuttered, trying to remember what he was talking about. Oh yeah, the whole "I might die tomorrow" thing.

"Miko, what worries you?" He reiterated, his concern evident only in his golden eyes.

Kagome shrugged defeatedly, looking so pathetic it almost sickened him. "I don't know, it's just...I'm scarred, I think - what if I die?"

"You have never shown much concern for your own life in the past, miko," he said, confused. "One of your greatest faults is that you rarely value your own safety and I do not believe you have seen the error of your ways. So what, miko, are you truly afraid of?"

Using all of her self control to not chew him out for basically saying she was stupidly reckless, Kagome shook her head in frustration. "No, you misunderstood me, I'm not really worried about me dying, more like what will happen if I do," she said slowly as if unsure that her words truly made sense in that order. "I mean, if I'm dead, who will stop Naraku? Who will put the jewel back together?"

Ah, she is concerned about her responsibilities, Sesshoumaru concluded in his head. "There is no need to concern yourself with such trivial matters, miko. The only creature that will lose his life is the southern lord."

Confident that his reassurances had been enough to put any of her remaining concerns at ease, Sesshoumaru released her and began to walk away.

"I mean, I guess someone else could take care of those things. Kikyo maybe, or another priestess, but what about everything else?" Kagome continued, ignoring Sesshoumaru's words as if he had been as silent as a rock. "Will my family even know if I'm dead, or will they just keep waiting for me to come back through that well until the day they die? Who will take care of Shippo, and who will keep Inuyasha from being fatally stupid? Who will keep him from turning into a full demon if something goes wrong? Who will help him realize that he shouldn't become a full demon when the jewel is complete? If I'm gone, who will love him?"

Sesshoumaru stopped dead in his tracks as he felt something in his chest lurch. He knew the feelings she held for his brother - they were so brutally obvious - so why did hearing them confirmed make him feel as though he could no longer breathe?

"And what will you do?" She asked, sighing and walking to stand by his side. "Will you miss me?"

The image of Kagome's lifeless body flashed in his mind and nearly made him shake with an intense feeling of anger and loss. He remained starring ahead, still as an ivory statue for a full minute before the slow blink of his golden eyes marked the return of his composure. When Sesshoumaru spoke his voice was devoid of emotion, it was not even indifferent, it was just dead. "You will not die, Kagome. I will not allow it. Do not fret over that which cannot occur."

Kagome frowned. Sesshoumaru's stony glare gave the impression that he wasn't really there with her, that he was somewhere far away. And indeed he was far away, deep within his thoughts and emotions, trying desperately to decipher whatever it was that had suddenly made him feel as though he would never feel again. Like he was so light he could float above his very body. Like his chest was empty.

Kagome was freaked out. Okay...what's gotten into him?

Deciding to act like nothing was out of the ordinary in hopes that it would return everything to normal, she sighed. "Sesshoumaru, I just don't know how you do it. How can you be so calm and collected all of the time? I mean, you're the lord of the West! You have thousands of people relying on you, you have a legacy to uphold, not to mention a little orphan girl who would be lost without you. So how do you do it? How do you handle it all without going crazy? It's kind of amazing."

Slowly his eyes shifted to give her a sidelong stare, his painfully stiff posture relaxing slightly as he took in the snaky smile she threw him.

Kagome shook her head, her smile broadening. She noticed with relief that he seemed to be regaining his awareness of the world around him, "not that I should expect any different really: you're always amazing."

Sesshoumaru took a few moments to process what she had said to him. He didn't quite know why, but her praise seemed to fill him with warmth. His chest no longer felt so empty.

"Miko, do not think that these responsibilities do not always linger in my mind," he said in his usual calm manner. "But to worry is comparable to watering a plant that has long since died: it occupies your time, but it will accomplish nothing. It is pointless and I am not in the habit of wasting my time"

He's back to normal, thank the gods! She mentally cheered.

"I know," she laughed, regaining some of her usual spark. "Maybe I'm just so worried because you seem so calm about it. Like I have to worry for both of us or something."

Thinking that he had never heard anything so nonsensical in his life, Sesshoumaru simply scoffed and flicked his long, silvery hair over his shoulder as if dismissing her and her ridiculous reasonings."

The miko smiled, "well, I'm going to worry about you so get used to it. I would miss you if you were gone, Sesshoumaru. I mean, who would carry my back pack?"

The taiyoukai resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "We shall get you a horse," he replied.

Her laughter rang like chimes on the wind as she grabbed his hand and pulled him onward towards their journey's end.

***

"So, we're really almost there?" Kagome asked for the twentieth...no thirtieth time? Sesshoumaru had lost track after the first hour.

"Tomorrow our quest will reach it's end," he confirmed.

Tomorrow...tomorrow could be the last tomorrow I ever see, the miko realized. It was a real kill joy, Kagome decided, to know what your possible expiration date might be. She imagined waking up tomorrow and finding a date stamped on her forehead like you would find on a container of perishable food.

Deciding to give up on her fanatically morbid thoughts, Kagome rolled onto her side and propped herself up with her arm to look at her companion. He was actually sitting beside her, silently star gazing with her, which surprised her. He usually just stood with his back to her, standing guard until she fell asleep, but tonight - for some reason - he had seen fit to join her. Since she couldn't fall asleep anyway, she welcomed his company...no matter how unsociable it may be.

Her back was mostly healed by now, which meant she no longer needed help applying the healing salve, and not having to concentrate on pain or embarrassment left ones' mind free to wander. And like Kagome herself, when her mind wandered, it traveled to the strangest of places.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru?" She asked, the melancholy edge to her usually cheerful voice rousing his curiosity.

She saw his eyes flick to hers and knew that was as much acknowledgement as she was going to get. She had come to find that he was even less sociable in the evenings. "Do you ever think that...that maybe we've missed out on something?" She asked him.

He racked his brain for any clue as to what she could possibly be talking about, but once again he had no idea. He should probably just stop trying to figure out the miko already, he didn't seem to be very efficient at it, and he loathed failure. Perhaps if he merely remained quiet she would explain herself and he wouldn't have to speculate.

Kagome fumbled with her thoughts for a few more seconds before the silence became too much. "I mean, you're a lord and I'm a reincarnation of a famous miko," she said, worrying her lower lip, "we've had so many things that we've had to do that others would ever even have to think about...don't you ever feel like you've just skipped over parts of your life that you weren't meant to skip?"

Ah, so that was what she meant. Sesshoumaru thought for a moment, remembering a time when he was but a pup and had to attend diplomacy and war strategy lessons instead of running in the fields like the other demon children. At the time he had not minded, he would've rather been learning something important than playing frivolous games anyway. But now, he realized, he would never be able to reclaim those years. His childhood was gone, and it had not been much of a childhood at all.

"Perhaps," he conceded, "but what is in the past is in the past, there is no reason to dwell on that which we cannot change."

She gave him a calculating look and sighed a defeated sound that made him shift uncomfortably.

Kagome wasn't sure what she expected his answer to be, but she was vaguely disappointed that it had been so...mature. He was always so mature, always had the logical answer to everything. Sometimes she really appreciated this quality about him, but sometimes she loathed it. Why couldn't he just sit back and pout with her for a few minutes! The nerve, not feeling miserable about his life like she was at the moment. Would it kill him to whine a little bit?

Probably, she decided. The indignity of whining would probably cause him to self destruct or haven an internal hardware malfunction.

Kagome sighed and sat up. "I know, I guess I'm just a little bitter. At least you knew what to expect, all the things you would never get to do. You knew you weren't going to be normal," she said, ignoring his raised brow at her unintended insult.

"But I was normal, just your average teenage girl, and then I got sucked down a magical well and ended up here. Now I fight demons, and save villages, and get kidnapped by gods, and travel with youkai lords to find legendary spears," she ticked off on her fingers in rapid succession until she was forced to take a breath and calm herself. "And tomorrow it all might end and I'll never have had the chance to do any of the things I should have done."

"We have discussed this, miko," he snapped impatiently, "you will not die."

Kagome narrowed her eyes, "you don't know that for sure."

"I know that you are being ridiculous."

She scowled and her tired eyes dropped to the ground. "Well, that may be true, but there's a reason I'm so stressed about this. I mean everyone expects me to be this extraordinary priestess when all I really am is an average school girl with a nasty habit of getting mixed up in things she has no business getting mixed up in. But I have to be a priestess, I have to fulfill this duty. I don't have to be a school girl, even though it's what I should be doing. It's what I would be doing if I was average."

The inuyoukai watched as his hand inched towards her. He watched as he placed a deadly, clawed finger under chin with a carefulness he had not known he had possessed, and lifted it, forcing her to look at him. He watched as her sad, teary eyes flickered to his with confusion and fear and hope swirling in their midst. And he listened as he spoke words of comfort to the miko with such sincerity he barely could believe it was his own voice.

"You are not average, Kagome," he said with such conviction that she couldn't help but believe him. "And I do not believe you ever were."

"But sometimes I just want to be average, Sesshoumaru," she whispered as though telling him a dirty secret meant for his ears alone, "sometimes I just wish I had a normal life like all the other girls my age."

Of all the ridiculous things he had ever heard her say, this was by far the most absurd.

"You could not bare such a mundane existence," he told her.

She looked up at him then, her eyes capturing his in an unbreakable hold and they were so sad and full of burdens unshared, and tears uncried that he wanted to pull her to him and take her away from everything that had haunted her so.

"What I can't bare is this," she disagreed. "I'm almost seventeen and I've never driven a car, never gotten a job, never done something adolescent and stupid...I've never even been kissed," she admitted sheepishly and finally looked away from him, a blush rising on her cheeks.

"And after tomorrow it won't matter if my existence is 'mundane' because I might not exist at all," she murmured.

Well, she had kissed Inuyasha that one time, when he had been threatening to turn into a full demon, but he hadn't even been in his right mind. She had been too terrified to truly even register it as a kiss anyway. No, she had never had a real kiss, a kiss where one person's lips took another's and danced with them in a passionate fury.

She wondered if it was as amazing as she always imagined it to be, or if it was simply just wet and disappointing.

But she didn't know, did she? And by gods did she want to know! Even disappointment would be better than this ignorance. And now, in this moment, as she admitted her shortcomings to the last creature on earth she would have ever thought would listen, she wished more than ever that she had just plucked up the nerve and done it. She wished that for once in her life she wasn't the scared, innocent girl that blushed at anything remotely intimate and swooned over heroics.

She wished she wasn't such a coward. She faced demons and danger and death on a daily basis, but when it came to her heart, there was a fifty foot wall around it and she refused to open the gates. She hid inside her insecurities, safe from the wounds rejection could inflict, safe from the scars that an unrequited love would leave. But as much as she was safe, she was also trapped. And until now she had been happy to be a prisoner to her own cowardice, happy to be blissfully ignorant, but she could not hide forever.

And he didn't think she was cowardly. He wasn't afraid to look her in the eyes and tell her exactly what was on his mind even if she didn't want to hear it. The idea of him had been banging on the gates to her heart, refusing to be denied. And here he was, perfect and untouchable to anyone but her, and she wasn't afraid anymore.

Very slowly Sesshoumaru realized what Kagome was about to do. She had looked up at him with that determined look he had come to both admire and loath, and then she was leaning towards him, her eyes never once leaving his. There was a fire in them that told a tale of heartache and loneliness and of longing and resolve and of need and want.

And even though he knew what she was going to do, he could not bring himself to believe it. Or perhaps he didn't want to admit he knew what she was about to do, for if he did, he would have to stop her.

What is she doing...

She was getting closer, her scent washing against him like the tides against the shore. He could hear her breathing, hear her heart beat, hear the blood pulsing through her fragile, human veins.

No, I should pull away, she is much too close.

And she was. She was right in front of him, her nose almost touching his, her small, soft hand coming up to cradle his cheek. It felt like silk, or like water flowing against him, though he remained dry.

She is a human! A Miko! My brother's wench! She is Kagome!

Yes, she was Kagome. A human. A priestess. An enemy and an ally. And somehow she was the only creature in this world he found himself unable to refuse - even this.

If she leads me down this path, will I be able to turn back? Will I want to?

And then she kissed him. Not a deep, passionate kiss, just a quick meeting of lips. A soft pressure against his mouth as she leaned into him and he couldn't stop himself from leaning too. It was innocent and yet intimate - just like her.

He felt warm.

Her lips moved against his like a feather on the wind, so light and free and unsure. And he moved with her, letting her guide them both, fighting the urge to pull her to him and crush his mouth to hers. But before the impulse became too strong to ignore, she pulled away.

He felt cold.

Kagome hovered in front of Sesshoumaru for just a second longer, her light breath brushing his cheek as she leaned away. She sat there for a moment, wrinkling her forehead as if in concentration before lightly smirking as though she had just confirmed some long pondered suspicion.

She started to pull away, but paused. "I would say I'm sorry...but I don't think I am," she said as though confused by her own words.

He watched her as she smiled to herself and then lay back on the ground to watch the stars.

Funny, but he wasn't sorry either.

Chapter Notes:

Kagome got some action

Don't you think it's about damn time?

I think Sesshoumaru enjoyed it.

Almost as much as this rhyme.