My Notelet: I knowww, I've been away for EVER. I feel so bad too O: Stupid GCSE's. I mean, they're ONLY exams, right? xD Oh man. I dunno. I've just been listening to t.A.T.u whilst eating Mikado and drinking Diet Coke, and watching Friends. Duh, haha. Anyhoo, yesh, now didn't Harry sound weird there? Lmao. Well, there are many events. And in the words of Severus Snape, we should 'Let them unfold'. Unfolding goes here….SML94
I looked right at Harry. "What? How, how could you possibly help? Do I even want to know? Oh God oh God oh God, don't tell me—"
"Hermione!" he shook me, and I stared calmly.
"Yesh?" I lisped.
"This is serious. I can't have a scare like that again. Anyway. There are, uh, several ways to uh, you know, make yourself…feel, erm, better."
"Harry, I don't like what I'm hearing!" I gasped.
"I don't like saying it, but first of all you could—"
I stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, "Somewhereeee, out there, beneath the PALE MOONLIGHT!"
"Hermione!"
"From Paris to Berlin and every disco I get in—"
"HERMI-"
"You're the best, around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down, you're the best, around!"
"HERMIONE GRANGER!"
So then I dared to sing a horrible song. "Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore, I left my head and my heart on the-"
"Hermione, I am warning you—"
"No way, no, it's not me, not right, I wanna get rowdy tonight!"
"What the—"
"THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET US!" I began to shout, because I didn't want a sex lesson from Harry Potter. That was just not right.
"Look, I don't want to drag you out of the bath again. Now, what exactly were you doing in there?" he probed.
"I was in the bath. Washing my hair. That is it."
"You were curled up on your side."
"I wasn't doing anything that you're probably thinking of."
"What am I thinking of?"
"I don't want to think about it."
"Hermione," Harry grasped my hands. I stared at my feet. "It's not, you know, bad for you or anything. It's a perfectly natural way of exploring your body and discovering what feels good for you."
I raised my eyebrows. "I know. I just…are you sure you should be discussing this with me? I feel a little…and anyway, how do you know what I'm going through? You don't want to—"
"Not with Malfoy!" he amended hastily. "But everyone does it. Some people do it every day."
Oh no.
Did that mean that during the camping trip so far, that Harry and Ron, in their beds at night….had….oh….
"Oh crap. You mean, you-you-you-you-" I stuttered.
"I'm trying to help you." He took my hand gently. "Like I said, it's normal, everybody does it. Now, what happens tonight, we're gonna keep it a secret, right?"
"But the story-supposed to be rated Teen…..this too much?" I rambled.
"Hermione, I want you to look at me. Imagine. Imagine it's, uh, him."
I looked at Harry. His shirt was torn, and he was shaking. I was as still as granite.
"What?"
"I'm trying to teach you how, how to…"
I raised one eyebrow. He reached towards me, and I jumped away. "I didn't sign up for this shit!"
"You know Hermione, sometimes your whole life boils down to one insane move." He points out.
"Yeah, but you're trying to make me, you know…"
"Can't you even say it?"
"There's no point!"
"Say it."
"Prostye Dvizheniya." That's what I go for, since it's true. "You and your bloody t.A.T.u. They deal with it though!"
"Yeah, but you're trying to make me do it in front of you!"
"Not necessarily!"
"Well you implied it!"
Harry sighed, looking at me, tenderly. "Hermione, I care about you. And I know you care about Malfoy, but you can't be with him now. Just… I know you want to *cough* with him, but erm, that's not really possible. I mean, I'd help you out but-"
"WHAT?!"
"Jesus! My ears, they bleed!"
"DID YOU JUST SUGGEST THAT YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME BECAUSE DRACO ISN'T HERE?!"
"Not necessarily!"
"Oh not necessarily. Not bloody necessarily. Potentially, that would be stupid. No, not even potentially. It would be! It is!" I shriek. What is he playing at?
Harry apologises. Again and again. Then, he gets a bottle and a glass. I hear a clink and he offer it to me. Idiotically, I take it. I drink.
"Screw this." He sighs as I sip shakily, my teeth clanking. Ice cubes painfully connect with my teeth and I push them away with my tongue.
"Screw what?" I murmur, putting the glass to one side.
"Look, I'm sorry for trying to push you into that stuff before. I mean, not everybody does it. It's just; I know how it feels..."
"Right. I know you like Gin. I am not blind. But that doesn't mean that just because you do, but can't see her, and I like Draco, but can't be with him, that doesn't mean we should take comfort in each other." I exclaim.
I mean, really. It's not Harry I want, it's Draco. You know, Draco Malfoy. The blond one. The one that I once asked wittily, "I like your bed Draco…can I Slytherin?"
The one who truly put up with my t.A.T.u madness. The one boy who had sex with me. On a Potions table.
See? I didn't say he released me of my virginity, or showed me the ways of the world, or even that we made love. I'm not one for romanticising stuff when it's just….just no, basically.
"I'm not suggesting that we, ahem, 'do it', or kiss, but you know, just, I dunno. Whatever helps."
"Harry James Potter, you openly suggested that I get naked to make myself feel better about Draco-"
"Hermio-"
"Don't deny it. You told me it's a way of exploring my body, and what else could that mean? Getting a magnifying glass and peering where-wherever and going, 'Hmm, yes, I notice that I am unusually aroused' or whatever! I don't know!" I argue, and he winces.
"Oh, oh, shut up. Just, I dunno. Hug?" he suggests. I shrug. A hug is innocent enough, and just then, my glass apple starts humming. A guitar. Oh no, not this song! It's made for Draco. He's human, and he needs to be loved, just like everybody else does. I flick my wand to quieten it.
"Harry, I want to make it clear that we are just hug-"
"Shoosh your lips up!"
"Shoosh my lips up?"
"I know. Sorry. Anyway. Hugging, yeah." He mumbles.
Right. Yes. So, we moves onto the chair, which he managed to expand so we can both sit comfortably. What exactly does Harry have in mind? Hugging me and then imagining Ginny? Imagining what, exactly? That's the part I'm concerned about. Well, we're friends, right? He's my best friend. If we're just, you know, helping each other out and only hugging, what harm can it do?
So we shuffle down, I take off my robe because I'm getting uncomfortably warm inside it. It's just as Harry wraps his arms around me I realise I'm not wearing my bra anymore. Because. Pyjamas. Oh no, this could be awkward…
So I close my eyes and breathe him in, slowly. He doesn't smell like Draco, he smells different. Already he's in a different state of consciousness. I've got doubts that this has any sense. Anyway, I should be imagining Draco, right?
So I squeeze my eyes shut and pretend I'm in Draco's room, that the bed is there and so are we. Pictures are in my head. Draco's inside my head. Fading softly, no, don't play dead! I pull him back and There's his delicate endless skin, fingers running down my back. Eternal senses. Just let anything pop into your head, Hermione. I tell myself.
Wake up in the morning feeling like Voldemort,
Grabs his glasses, he's out the door, gonna hit that Horcrux,
Before he leaves, brush his teeth with a bottle of Felix,
'cause when he leaves for the fight, will he come back?
I couldn't take it anymore. "When is this supposed to feel good?" I ask.
"Well, you could at least act like you're enjoying it!" he protests, flushed.
"You are? You're getting something out of this?"
He goes even more flushed, and he's slightly sweaty. This is fucked up. I stare at him, hard. Then the paranoia dances up. Has he been imagining me, what's he been imagining me doing?
Cue internal screaming on my part, but Harry stays calm. "I was imagining that I was hugging her, that's all. I mean, I uh, I liked it."
Then he's got hold of me again and then it's back again, Harry is moaning slightly and oh no oh no oh god no!
I jump away, wrapping my arms around my chest for obvious reasons.
"So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!" Harry complains. My eyes widen.
"Harry…what were you imagining?"
"I'll tell you what I was fantasising about if you tell me what you were fantasising about."
"I just need him, Harry." I whisper.
"Well, I need Ginny, but she's not here, either! So, what do we do?" he says, knocking back more of his drink. I shrug. "I just don't know."
Even though I know, there's something I can do.
Harry is moving closer, his mouth is slightly open, and his hands are wringing. I'm backing away. "Harry, it's not what you want."
"Two friends, helping each other out?" he pleads, his eyes are big and shiny, and I know he wants this so much. He wants Ginny though, not me. Also, if Draco found out he'd kill him. I tremble, in a dilemma. Do I help Harry, or just get the hell out of here and help myself? I can make a working copy of the candle, I know I can.
"Some nights, I just want to be held, to be hugged." Harry presses, and oh god, is he going to cry? Oh no oh no. I'm feeling so terribly guilty, but I'm scared of what he'll ask me to do. So scared. Don't cry Harry, it'll tear me apart.
I love him like a best friend. But I love Draco in a different way.
I've got to just grit my teeth and do it.
"Harry…" I utter soothingly, and his head leans against me, like a child. I hold him, and I sigh softly. "I don't blame you, I really don't. But, why don't you work it off [what else was I to say?] or-or something? I'll come back. I just need to go do a thing. You know." I glimpse at him, and his eyes are full of understanding.
"I know I let you down, it's just, I've never needed a friend like I do now." He admits, in the voice of a little kid. I stopped myself from doing anything stupid, and I tell him, "I'll be back, I promise. I'm taking my wand. I'll be alright…we both will."
A small nod allows me to extract myself, and he sits down in the chair, staring at the floor. I make an escape, with the new candle and I stand outside, light it and I'm gone.
It's half eleven. I learn that much. I am at Hogwarts. Draco is still at Hogwarts, at school? He's in the common room. The Slytherin common room. There's Blaise, and Luna. Déjà vu!
I'm in for a night of arguments, madness, witty conversation, and then some more.
It's just us four, as usual. Then, a question rises into my head. How'd I get into Hogwarts? You can't Apparate in or out. Something tells me not to pursue the question though, especially as I'm standing there in front of people.
Luna blinks. Blaise lets a book slide out of his hands, and Draco, he asked me, "Hermione, what-how-I…" and then he begins to splutter.
"Why should I listen to explanations?" I ask him.
"I'm not pretending to make it simple, Granger! He moves towards me, but I push him, hard. "Keep yourself away, far away from me!"
Blaise has a look of wonder on his face. Luna is calm. As bloody usual.
Forget confusion, Draco was baffled.
"But-the other night-"
"You don't…just, stay away. Death Eater." I throw the words at him, and then he shakes his head, and seems disappointed, if not offended. "That was low, even for you, Granger." "This was an accident. You still have doubts, don't you?"
"No! How can you even think that?"
"Killed anyone yet? Used any Unforgivable curses? It must be second nature, by now." I snarled at the boy with the silver eyes, hating him for leaving. If he said it was me that had left, I would murder him. Luna had slid over and tugged at me ineffectually.
"You were the one who left me." He points out with a twist of spite.
"I had to make sure Ron and Harry didn't get themselves killed!"
"It's always those two pricks, isn't it! Always them, not me! Have you ever thought what I might be going through? I've not seen you since August, and that for your information, is three months! It's been three months without you! I've been going out of my fucking head! Wondering if the Dark Lord would bring you in, you have no idea what goes on Granger, what they've made us do, what they've made me do!"
"Malfoy, if you don't shut up right now, I swear I am going to kill you, I swear I will!"
"Oh, no you don't have to. He will probably do it soon. I can wait! I can wait five minutes." he says bitterly. I moved to kill him, or curse him. But Blaise dragged me back by grabbing the top of my jeans. Luna gazes at me with her huge eyes. "Hermione, I know you're very angry at Draco right now but-"
"But what? You don't know what's happened my end do you!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Blaise began.
"For your information, I almost got, I mean, if it hadn't been for, oh for Christ's sake, it was Harry!"
"Har—what?"
"He walked in on me, in the bath!"
Luna sings, "Ohh, awkward scene, for the wiiin!"
A small silence. Blaise raised his eyebrows. "He did? I'm guessing by your tone he didn't run straight back out again?"
"And Ron's left us, too. If there are gods, they're pissing on us and not even giving us the courtesy of calling it rain. No, he didn't! Ironically enough, I was thinking of you at the time-" I hurled the word at the silver eyed boy. "And he used his wand—BLAISE! NO! His magic one. He used it to put me in pyjamas and then you know what he says?"
"What?" Luna asks with genuine interest.
"He asks me to let him 'help me out'." I used my fingers to sketch quotation marks. Draco's up and out of his seat with a furious expression. The silver is so boiling it's melted. How can his eyes not hurt with the fire? Luna has her head on one side and Blaise is concerned. "What did he do?"
"What did you say?" Draco begs of me.
"I told him I didn't like what I was hearing. And well, he said it was perfectly natural to, erm, 'explore' my-"
"God, he really must be missing freckle face." He sighs.
"You know, I've been thinking of getting my legs double glazed." Luna announces, and it's like I'm back in sixth year, all over again.
"Why?" Blaise queries.
"I don't know. But I think it's good to try things you've never done before."
He nods. "That's a good point, you know."
"You might as well baptize a melon." Draco says, but in a caring way.
Luna simply laughs. "That would be completely mental."
"At least we're not in a story, though." Draco looks at me knowingly and I long for him again.
Luna gracefully glides towards Blaise. "I don't know what the Slytherins told you about me, but I don't care. I'm happy with the way things are now. I can remember how I knew you as the guy who tripped over a Bang Ended Skrewt . Like the guy everyone said you were. Now I know you're a lot more than just that. "
I sigh in bliss at the romance as Blaise simply replies, "You let me see life differently, in a good way. Happiness is what I feel when I'm with you. It's like other things don't matter anymore, and there's only you and me."
I'm hoping for Draco to say something back to me, but he cheerfully tells me, "You know, masturbation is just like procrastination. At first it feels good, but in the end you realise you've just fucked yourself."
I snort, because it's true, and I stare at those eyes of his, never rusting, always gleaming. "Oh, you. Listen, if I say something romantic, will you say something back?"
"Sure." He agrees. I have a quick think, and then I speak.
"You'll always be in my heart, you're the perfect boy. You actually will have a place in my heart for the rest of my life, and I hope it's the same over there. No matter what I'll ever say or do, I love you and I always will. Even though not all of our time was spent together, it's been a great time, and I hope a lot of days, months, maybe even years, will pass by for you and me together." I don't whisper it in his ear, or even whisper. I tell him proudly, because I don't need to pretend with him, Blaise or Luna.
He nods, takes it in and smirks without the nastiness. I nudge him. "Now you. You said you would."
"Oh yeah, I did. Okay. Something."
"Draco!"
"Right, right." His eyes crease up, and the words work through his brain.
"You've got a great face, and a great body. A great personality, and even a great smile. I love to be with you, and I love to just be around you. There's a world full of opportunities for us, as long as we stay together – something I even dream of." He admits, but not with shame. He's glad of me, glad of us.
And right now, that's all I need.
[Well whaddya know! I've got some Cherry Coke, I'm going to have some damn good chocolate pudding, it's the weekend, and also, I did my French speaking exam! I did a thing about homework, then I spoke about Emma Watson for the 'famous person' thing, and then some general conversation, and wahey, there was a microphone! Anyhoo, I hope you lovely lot like this, and thank you to all the unusual usuals! SML94]