Chapter four

Simon took charge and pointed to the space between the stalls. Everyone moved with him to get out of the way of the fairgoers milling about. Blair rolled his eyes, but went with them and positioned himself with his back to the lights so his face was hidden. Although Jim didn't say anything he was very conscious of how he scrutinised him intently.

"Sandburg, good to see you."

"Really, Simon?" Blair ran his hands through his short curls. "Well, you've caught me at a bad moment. I was on my way out to get some marshmallows."

"But Sandy, where've you been all this time? Me and Joel tried to find you, but…"

"Yeah, we wanted, well…" H came to an uncomfortable stop under Blair's expressionless gaze.

"I think what he's trying to say," continued Taggart, "is that apologies need to be said and we'd really like to know how you've been."

Blair's eyes flashed and he glared at the people he'd thought, a long time ago, had been his friends. "Hell, I know I made mistakes, but I really don't think I need to apologise to…"

"No. No, stop," Taggart lifted his hands to halt the angry man. "We need to apologise to you."

"Oh."

"Look, Sandburg… Blair," Simon tried to keep the frustration he was feeling at the situation out of his voice. "This is obviously not the place for this sort of conversation. We're staying in the hotel at the airport for tonight. We could talk there, if you're up for that?"

"Please, Sandy," whispered Megan. "I've missed you."

He looked around at the pleading and hopeful faces around him then spotted his former partner's stoic look. "And you, Jim. Do you want to talk?" He almost laughed when he saw Jim clench his jaw in typical 'Ellison, hard cop, no bullshit' fashion.

"I think certain things need to be said," Jim finally and reluctantly agreed. "And an explanation wouldn't go amiss."

Simon sighed as he saw Blair bristle under the implied criticism. "I think what Jim's trying to say in his own inimitable way is that a number of errors were committed on both sides and perhaps we could have the conversation that we should have had months ago."

For a few long seconds Blair didn't speak then his shoulders slumped. "You're right. It would be good to clear up certain things." Jim was the only person who heard him say under his breath, "And then, I can try to get on with the rest of my life."

Without noticing, Jim realised that the itch between his shoulders was gone. His senses were humming with energy and he could hear conversations by people high up on the big wheel, smell every spice used in the chilli sauce in a food trailer 20 metres away and see the few fine strands of silver in Blair's curls even though he was standing in the dark. Everything was back in place and he felt better than he'd felt for months. And it got his back up. He'd been doing fine without Sandburg. Hadn't he?

"Look, I can't come straight away," Blair continued, "I've got things to do."

"Still after the women, eh Chief?"

"It's none of your business and I think you've forfeited the right to call me Chief!" He took in a deep breath and turned to Simon. "How long are you here for?"

"Only for one night. We're leaving tomorrow morning."

"Right. I'll be over in about an hour and a half. Is that okay?"

"Fine. We'll be waiting for you."

JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB JBJBJBJB

It was almost 10 o'clock by the time Blair made it into the hotel. It had started raining again and despite his rain slicker, he was wet. Shaking it out he spotted his former colleagues in the lounge. Even from a distance of ten metres he could feel the tension radiating from Jim. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and limped over. He really didn't want to do this, but knew it was the only way he was going to get peace of mind and be able to put the past behind him.

As he approached them, Simon and Joel stood up. Joel pulled up an armchair next to his where they were sitting round a low table and indicated for Blair to take it. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Um, a tea would be good, please. Just sugar, no milk."

"I'll get it." Rafe jumped up and walked over to the bar. Nobody said anything until he came back with a tray holding a small pot of hot water, a teabag in a mug, a bowl of sugar cubes and a teaspoon. "They only had English Breakfast. Is that okay?"

"That's fine, thanks." He poured the hot water into the mug and as it was steeping looked at Simon. "Where do you want to start?"

Simon cleared his throat and ran his hand over his short hair. He opened his mouth to say something when Jim burst out, "Why did you leave without saying anything? I thought we were friends?"

Talk about jumping in feet first.

Simon shifted uncomfortably hearing the pain in his voice. They all knew that Ellison was a very private person and the fact that he was revealing so much meant that he was obviously under a lot of strain.

"Look," said Megan, "I think that perhaps there're things you need to speak about that don't concern us. It's going to be a long day tomorrow and I'm bushed. I'm off to bed. Sandy, it's great to see you. Please, contact me. Phone, e-mail, letter, pigeon post. Anything." She bent down and put her arms around him before quickly walking over to the lifts.

H and Rafe both shook Blair's hand and slapped him on the shoulder.

"Don't be a stranger, Hairboy. I've got some apologising to do myself. Also Rafe here's getting too good at poker. We need you to bring him back into line."

"I need to apologise as well," added Rafe. "Call us when we're back in Cascade. Will you?"

"Maybe," answered Blair. "I'll think about it."

The two detectives grinned and saying goodnight followed Megan into the lift. Joel leant forward and made to get up, "Blair, I should…"

"No, please stay. If you would?"

"If you're sure?"

"I'd like you to."

"All right, I'll stay."

"Thanks." Blair fished out the teabag from his mug, dropped in two cubes of sugar and stirred his tea before looking up at Jim. "Will you allow me to tell my story without interrupting? I don't think I can get through it otherwise."

"Don't worry, I'll make sure that he doesn't interrupt. All right, detective?" Banks gave Jim his patent 'I'm the captain, you have to obey me' glare

"Agreed. But we all get to have our say after."

Blair took a sip of his tea to buy time and hoped that no one noticed his shaking hands. For three months, since his departure from Cascade, he'd relived, analysed, dissected and questioned what had happened since he'd found his sentinel and how his friendship with Jim had unravelled to the point that it had. At long last he was able to have his say, so why was it so difficult to start? He looked up at the three men sitting around him. Simon looked exasperated, but also a little uncomfortable. He couldn't tell whether it was from guilt or unease. Joel merely looked encouraging and he nodded when Blair caught his eye. And Jim. Jim looked almost hopeful or was that simply wishful thinking?

"I was blown away when you offered me the badge. I was amazed that you had so much confidence in me after the mess I'd made with my dissertation." Blair stared into the middle distance not wanting them to read how much that whole time had cost him in his eyes.

Ellison opened his mouth, but closed it when Simon put a warning hand on his arm.

"I mean, I'd just called myself a fraud on television and here you were offering me the chance to become a detective. I knew it wasn't going to be easy – hell, deep in my heart I knew that it was impossible, but I really wanted to be Jim's partner. So, I accepted. I mean I'd died, so how hard could it be?" He didn't notice how Jim flinched at those words. "But God, it was hard. The cold shoulders, the gun training, the little notes left in my locker… I expected that, but the physical hazing… they were training to be cops! If they were treating me that way, how were they going to be with the general public?"

Jim couldn't hold himself back any longer. "Why didn't you say anything? God, I'd've…"

"What? What would you have done?" Blair for the first time looked Jim directly in his eyes. "This was my battle to fight. And… I…" he almost whispered the words, "I wanted you to notice. I wanted you to SEE me. But you carried on as if nothing had happened." He took another sip of tea and ran his hand through his short curls.

Jim's eyes glazed over as he thought about his behaviour while Blair had been in the academy and then as his official partner. He'd been so happy that he'd finally had Blair at his side and that he and Simon had found a way to help him after he'd thrown away his academic future. He'd not lied when he'd told him that he was the best cop he'd ever known, and Blair had proved him right. But had his pleasure blinded him to the real situation? Had his desire to have everything 'right in his world' meant that he'd totally missed what had been going on under his own nose? But why had Blair said nothing? Then the answer hit him - Alex… Ever since that whole debacle Blair had been withdrawing within himself. Jim could recognise that now, but did this knowledge come too late?

"And then I started at the PD and for a while things were okay, apart from the times you told me to stay in the truck." He grinned sardonically. "I could ignore the nasty comments, the fact that I was pulled into IA five times in six months, that my expenses took ten times longer than anyone else to be reimbursed, the fact that the DA wouldn't allow me to be mentioned on any case unless he absolutely had no choice. That I was suffering from depression, crippled by debt and facing possible prosecution by some of the people who'd awarded me grants," Jim's head jerked up at that, "was merely something to get through. I could even ignore the fact that I wasn't really a part of Major Crimes despite carrying a badge…"

"Now, hold on a minute, Sandburg," Simon blustered. "How could you even think that?"

"The postal bombing case – 'What do you know about bombs, kid?' The Fondsville rape case – 'Just grow up, Sandburg.' Even though I was the one who made the connection you congratulated Jim for the bust. The school theft case – 'When I want your opinion, Sandburg, I'll ask for it.' Remember those comments, Simon? In all the time I spent in the PD not once did I hear you denigrate the others like you did me. I know all about entering into closed societies and I knew it was going to be difficult to break four years of behaviour and conditioning. In spite of my training, cutting my hair, dressing differently you still saw me as the irritating, know-it-all grad student.

"And I let it happen, man. I thought as long as I was Jim's partner, as long as he trusted me I could put up with anything. I didn't pull you up on your behaviour. I allowed my guilt over the dissertation to control my actions. Then you, Jim, picked a fight with me and threw me out of the loft." He lifted up his hand, palm out, as Jim started to object. "And after those long weeks it was revealed that you were undercover, I finally realised that you still didn't trust me. And probably never would. It's just beyond you."

"I do trust you," the words were almost whispered.

"Then why didn't you tell me? Why did Daniels know and not me, your partner? Why, when the shit hit the fan, did you accuse me of releasing the diss? Selling you out when I thought you knew I'd never do that? Why…"

"Daniels?" Simon butted in. "What's Daniels got to do with this?"

Blair tore himself away from his memories and focused on what Simon was asking. He rubbed his forehead and lowered his hands into his lap. "He showed me the notes Jim left in his locker at the gym. The notes he left for the DA. He said that he'd been told not to tell anyone until the op was over."

"Jim?" Simon turned towards Ellison a frown on his face.

"I didn't leave any notes for anyone. As agreed, I had contact with no-one from the PD. What did they say? How'd you know they were from me?"

"Um, they listed bank accounts and names and things like that. I didn't really read them, but I recognised your writing. I was a bit upset at the time."

"What the hell was he playing at?" Simon turned to Taggart. "Do you know anything about this, Joel?"

Joel was frowning and looked up at Simon's question. "Doesn't Daniels have a cousin in the DA's office?"

"And?"

"It was well known that he'd been trying to get into Major Crimes for a while and he'd stated many times that he'd love Ellison as a partner. Unfortunately, Jim already had a partner. Maybe this was a way of coming between them. He could have got the notes from anywhere. It wasn't as if Blair would question where they came from."

"I shall be having a strong word with him when we get back. I think he'll be finding himself on the short track to a disciplinary action if not outright dismissal."

"But why didn't you say anything to me? Why didn't you confront me over this? It'd never stopped you before," Ellison sounded completely confused.

"I wasn't in a good place mentally!" Blair jumped out of his chair and stood with his back to them facing the large windows and staring at his image reflected in them. He tended to avoid looking at his reflection not willing to see how the last year had changed him from an enthusiastic grad student with a bright future before him to an embittered nobody with nothing but a painful past. "I was confused, hurting. I didn't know what to do. Then karma really showed me the way." His laugh was hollow as he wrapped his arms round himself and then fell silent.

The other three looked at each other anxiously as the silence dragged on.

Eventually, Joel quietly asked, "What happened, Blair?"

At first, they thought he wasn't going to answer, but after dragging in a ragged breath he started to speak, "I was walking up to my front door that same evening you revealed the op when I was jumped from behind. There were at least three men, but they'd put something over my head so I couldn't see. I'm sure they were cops, though. They dragged me indoors and started beating on me, nothing worse than I've had before, but I couldn't defend myself, there were just too many. And all the time they were calling me a fraud, and a dirty Jew and that Cascade didn't need a cop like me and I shouldn't hope that Ellison would come and save me as he'd obviously decided enough was enough."

Simon and Joel looked on horrified while Jim was clenching his teeth hard enough to hurt.

"Then… then… they said I'd need a permanent reminder of my sins. They carved the word 'liar' in my left thigh with a knife and held me down while they shaved my head. They laughed when they poured vodka over the wound saying they didn't want me to die from infection. That I should live to suffer as I'd made other people suffer. I passed out. When I woke up I was in my car somewhere, I don't know where. It was packed full of my clothes and books and stuff. Just shoved in any old how. My leg was bandaged and I… I just… lost it."

Joel had tears in his eyes as realised what this gentle, intelligent man had gone through. All he'd ever wanted to do was find a sentinel and do good in the world.

"So, I just drove." He didn't describe how he'd thrown up at the side of the road. How he'd dosed himself with painkillers and how he'd had to stop every few hours when the pain and the remorse or the shaking had just got too much to continue driving without endangering others. "I don't know how I did it or where I was going and when the car broke down I walked. I'm still walking, or rather limping. I pick up jobs here and there, send money to pay off my debts when I can and live each day as it comes." Taking a last final breath and not knowing what to expect, Blair turned round. What he saw brought a lump into his throat.

Joel was looking at him with pained compassion on his face. Simon was staring at him with a mixture of anger and shame while Jim… Stoic, never show weakness, hard ass ex-ranger Jim had tears in his eyes and such anguish on his face his own eyes teared in sympathy.

"God, Sandburg. Blair," Simon's uncharacteristic hesitancy would have made him smile in other circumstances, "I'm sorry that you felt that you were on your own, that I made you feel inadequate, that God," he pinched between his eyes, "that I failed to give you the support that I should have given you both as your captain and your friend."

"Thank you, Simon. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"San… Blair, I want you to think about coming back. You were, are an excellent detective and I would be honoured to have you back in my team."

"I don't know. A lot of bad things happened and I don't know if I can go back there."

"Think about it." Simon stepped forward and awkwardly patted the smaller man's shoulder. "As soon as we get back, I'll be the one responsible for getting those bastards who hurt you." Blair looked into his eyes for a moment and then nodded.

Joel stood up as Simon stepped back and enfolded the friend he thought he'd never see again into his arms. With tears in his eyes and a pointed look at Jim telling him not to listen, he whispered long into Blair's ear. The emotionally charged man at first stared at the floor then jerked his head up. Blushing, he shyly smiled at the man who had quietly supported him both while he'd been an observer and then as a detective. With a final hug, Joel caught Simon's eye and the two men made their way towards the lifts.

Which left just Jim and Blair standing awkwardly avoiding each other's eyes.