~oOo~

It's dark and quiet, and my last session's in ten minutes. As soon as it's over, Cally's promised me enough soma and adrenalin to help me forget for at least seven hours. She's now gone to get something to eat before we start - now that I think of it, she probably hasn't eaten since we started. Maybe none of us have.

Orac says Blake will be all right now.

We can't go back to where we were. I'm having trouble remembering where we were three days ago, apart from on course for Del 10 and our dose of the vitas, but I know wherever it was, we're a long way away now. Especially Blake. But I think I've really, truly overdosed on being scared for once, and even the thought of this last session doesn't raise more than a few thousand cold shivers.

I cross to look down at him, my mind a muddle, all sorts of nasty, misery-and-swampwater-flavoured thoughts getting snarled up and stinging. He looks like he'd died inside and someone had forgotten to tell him - and it wasn't just the therapy, though that would've been enough.

I've seen him as mad as hell, I've seen him grim, happy (well, happy-ish), obsessed, mocking, triumphant, warm and caring, sour and brooding. I've seen him turn colder and scarier than deep space. I've even seen him one step from despair after that empty room on Earth and Gan's death. But I've never seen him hurt this badly.

Cally isn't here, however, and while she's not here, I need to tell him something. Need to deal with one last thing before I get too drunk and it gets too stale to bother with.

"You lied to me, Blake."

He looks up, and his eyes are so haunted that I nearly turn and run. Nearly... nearly. Not quite. I want to say this now, before my nerve fails, or Cally comes back, or Avon comes in and kills me for hurting Blake.

"You don't remember, do you? You still don't. You lied to me, told me Avon and Cally had turned on us. Mutual affinities or some such thing."

"No." Still soft and dull, so unlike him it hurts, it really does. "I don't remember... that. I have to believe it."

"So why lie like that?"

"Vila, if I don't know what I said, I can hardly know why. Why did you believe me?"

"Sorry, maybe I won't any more. You're just the leader here, you're supposed to being doing the right thing by the rest of us. I know that Glynd character made you do all this, but you didn't have to say that. You didn't have to lie to me."

"I must have thought I had to," he answers, and it isn't what I want to hear, but it looks as if it's all I'm going to get.

Damn.

Still, be fair, Restal. If what Blake did was wrong - and I gave up trying to work out what's right and wrong round about the time I lifted my first hundred credits - he's paid for it. Oh yes, he's paid for it. And it's not as if I've been as honest as a Federated penny ever since I landed on this ship.

He's more honest than most, and far more honest than me. Not that that's saying a lot, but it's enough, I guess.

"How do you feel now?" I find myself asking. "Want a drink?"

He looks up again, startled by the change of subject, but shakes his head slightly.

"Then we'd better get ready. Orac says the last few rides will be rough ones." I sit on the table beside him. "But then we'll go to Del 10, yes? For a rest. For scenery and vita particles and lots and lots of sleep."

"I suppose, if Orac says so..."

"Orac says so. So do Avon and Cally and Jenna. So do I."

A faint smile, and suddenly I feel a hell of a lot better. "All right, we'll go to Del 10, then, for a few days at least."

I make a note to persuade Orac to make it a couple of weeks at least. Then a rest stop at Space City when the mountain scenery gets a little too much. Bars and casinos, fancy gaming shops and fun. Just the ticket to get us all back to normal.

But there's still something else. I look at Blake again. "So why didn't you want me to do it?"

"Do - what?"

"The monitoring. You wanted me left out of it. Not that I would have complained, Blake, but I wasn't any worse than the others. After all, I'd been through all that when I was..." I can hear my voice run down as it hits me.

Avon was right, Avon did insult me... and I missed something.

"I'm an idiot," I say blankly.

He seems amused. "Any particular reason this time, Vila?"

"Not really. Here I've been thinking..." I shake my head. "Thanks, Blake - for not wanting me back there with you."

He looks at me. There's a trace of light in his eyes - and none of the nothing - and just for a while, that's enough to make it all right.

"And thank you, Vila, for going there."

-the end-