I feel like such a bastard for putting Munk and Alonzo through of all of this. I'm truly horrible.

Alonzo and Munk come to terms with the aftermath of their kidnapping.

A year in the life of the black and white toms

Chapter 12

Scars

Munkustrap jolted from an awful nightmare. As he had slept the lingering memory of Macavity kept coming at him and the dream felt so real that it seemed he had come back from the dead. The silver tabby stared straight ahead from his upright position on his bed and watched the fiery eyes of Macavity slowly fade away from his vision. He sat panting fiercely as the remnants of his dream lingered; he knew he was afraid of something but as with most dreams he couldn't remember what it was that had given him such a fright or left him in a cold sweat. As he slowly calmed down he flopped back down onto the bed and screwed his eyes shut while covering his face with his paws. He winced as he touched the bruise Macavity had left him with and quickly remembered the events of the previous night. The memories made him feel lousy and he brought his knees up to his chest as he tried to hide himself away from the world. His body felt stiff and ached exhaustedly as he moved. He felt like a kitten as he curled up and knew he was behaving utterly stupidly – at least in his eyes. He had instilled within himself the principles of never being afraid and never hiding away years ago; so how could it be that all he wanted to do at that moment was disappear? Munk remained silent as he lay alone in the gently illuminating den. Morning was here and was encouraging him to get up.

Across the junkyard in another den Alonzo's eyes cracked open. His vision was blurry and he took in a deep breath as he stirred. The first thing he noticed was that he was laying on his front and wondered how he had ended up like that. The second thing he saw was that he was not in the same place as he last remembered. It was warm here and the familiar, welcoming smell of the junkyard had replaced the smell of death in Macavity's lair. He began to raise his head up and look around and soon laid eyes on a bright but tired looking face. A tabby queen looked back at him and as she became clearer he recognized her as Jennyanydots. After a few more seconds he realized he was in her den and felt a wave of relief wash over him. He was safe and in a place where that evil tom couldn't hurt him anymore. He closed his eyes as he basked in the feeling of security. The emotion didn't last long as he remembered what he had been through in what must have been the past few hours. He gritted his teeth as he remembered the sound of his mate hacking away at the tom that had abused him so much and then the same cat holding him tightly on the floor of the prison. He nearly felt a twinge of hope in his heart until he recalled how he had felt as Munkustrap hugged him. A sickness filled him as he thought of how disgusting he surely appeared and lay his head down in remorse. He instantly figured out why he had been lay down on his front in the first place: Macavity had concentrated most of his handiwork on his back and Jenny must have already treated the numerous wounds there. Alonzo shifted slightly and felt the restricting pull of gauze covering most of the surface of his body and experienced a strange mixture of sadness and comfort. The good feeling came from knowing Jenny was making him better but the bad came from realising just how bad the inflictions must have been. He sighed gently as he thought of how he would soon have to see how badly he had been cut up. It was sure to be a hideous sight but at least he would know firmly the reason why Munk didn't want him. The tabby hadn't rejected him yet but he knew it was only a matter of time.

He didn't feel like crying; what was the use? He had surrendered to Munk eventually discarding him what now seemed like a long time ago and had done a lot of his grieving during his imprisonment. The pain still didn't dampen at all and he still felt a sharp stab at his heart. His eyes shot open when out of nowhere he heard the sickening laughter of Macavity echo in his mind. He quickly pushed himself up and started fearfully looking around the den and working himself into a panic. As he started hyperventilating Jenny rushed forward and put her paws on the tom's shoulders. She looked deep into his eyes and did her best to calm him.

"Alonzo, it's okay. You're safe. Calm down, dear. No one can hurt you."

The patched tom stared back at her but couldn't see her. In his mind's eye he only saw the dangerous claws of the tom that had kidnapped and tortured him only a few hours ago and he began to shake and yelp with terror.

Jenny kept reassuring him he was safe by speaking slowly and softly. As her words slowly broke through the wall of fear Alonzo had within him his breathing slowed and his eyes relaxed. His stiff body gradually started to go limp and it wasn't long before he started to collapse. Jenny shook him and spoke loudly to try and keep him awake,

"Alonzo, come on. Stay awake for me, dear. Alonzo!"

It was no use; after a few seconds the tom fell forward completely out cold and Jenny held his entire weight in her arms. She shifted him back into a comfortable position only this time on his back and made sure his bandages hadn't come loose. She sighed as she stepped away and looked at the tom; that was third time he had bolted awake terrified since he had arrived in her den. She wondered what on earth could have happened to him to put him in such a state and felt deep pity for him. She returned to her seat and resumed watching Alonzo hoping the next time he awoke he wouldn't be haunted by whatever it was that was sending him into these episodes.

The morning light crept silently into the den and showed the rusty tinge of the bandages wrapping the afflicted tom.

Munk - despite protest from his aching body – stepped stiffly out of the den he shared with his absent mate. He squinted in the crisp morning sunshine and did his best to stretch out his body. It was an uncomfortable process but he welcomed the feeling of looseness he regained. He was emotionally exhausted for sure and the turbulent rest he had taken since he had brought Alonzo back hadn't really recharged him as much as he would have liked. Internally he was still cut up about having killed Macavity and he didn't feel worthy enough to be tasked with protecting the Jellicles anymore. He always knew that fighting a cat to the death was a last resort but this hadn't been a fight. He had thrown the evil tom to the floor and ripped him apart and no matter which way he looked at it he hadn't fought a fair fight. A clear-thinking cat would have known that he was purely protecting his mate but Munkustrap didn't see it that way – he felt like a murderer and was deeply ashamed of himself.

Munk looked around and saw some of the cats come out into the morning and they smiled and ran up to him when they noticed him standing on top of the junk. Pouncival hurried up to the silver tabby and threw his arms around the tom's waist. The kitten was overjoyed to see his protector again as the he and his companions had fabricated many stories detailing his condition during the short time he had been missing.

"I knew you weren't eaten by a Peke!" squealed the freckled kitten happily

"I beg your pardon?" replied Munk

"Tumble said you had probably been eaten by a Peke and that's why you didn't come back. But you weren't!"

"Pekes don't eat cats, Pounce" assured Munk

Pounce let him go and scampered off to find the other kittens and tell them the good news. The tabby's attention was diverted to Bomba who had followed the kitten and waited for her turn patiently.

"Munk" she said simply before rushing forward and hugging him. He gently hugged her back but felt rather empty inside. He knew he should have been feeling glad to be back with his mate but recent events overshadowed that. Bomba let him go and smiled at him,

"We were so worried that whatever had happened to Alonzo had happened to you too when you didn't come back. We're so glad you're both safe"

"Thank you" replied the tabby neutrally

"You gave us a scare when you collapsed last night, you know. What on earth have you two been through?" she asked concernedly

The silver tabby looked at her and tried to tell her the tale. Something stopped him and he stood gawking at her with his mouth open. He shut it after a few moments and looked away with his face darkening,

"I'd rather not say right now" he replied quietly

"It was that bad?"

"Terrible" he said grimly

"I'm so sorry"

"Don't be. Macavity was an evil cat and it was only a matter of time until someone did that to him"

Bomba looked shocked, "Macavity did that to Alonzo?"

"Yes"

"Everlasting" she whispered and placed a paw to her heart. After a few seconds she refocused on the protector with a curious expression,

"What did you mean when you said it was only a matter before someone did that to Macavity?"

Munk gritted his teeth – how could he tell her what he had done? He took in a sharp breath and tried to think of any way to get out of the question; he came up with nothing. Glancing at her quickly he quietly said "I have to go" before taking off over the junk. Bomba wondered if she should follow him but decided not to pursue him at that moment; something didn't seem right and she didn't want to aggravate him.

Munk stumbled as he ran and stopped when he was out of sight. He climbed into a small alcove in the junk and sat rigidly as he panted. He had just been asked what had happened to Macavity and he feared to reveal the truth to anyone. Only Alonzo knew and the tabby was fairly sure he'd feel the same way. But wait a second, what if Alonzo didn't want to know him as a murderer? Munk choked briefly on the air he was breathing and put his paws to his head. He hadn't considered how Alonzo would feel now that he had killed someone; what if he looked at him and only saw a killer? How could he want to be Munk's mate after that?

The worry and fear that he had felt in that dingy, disgusting room where his mate had been held crept into him again and it felt as if the world was judging him fiercely. That didn't matter as much as whether Alonzo would want Munk anymore though; the tabby painfully imagined his mate leaving him and wanted to cry. With a stiff upper lip he prevented himself from leaking tears and swallowed the emotion that so desperately wanted to break free from within him. Doing his best to slip into his authoritative manner he forced himself to believe a simple fact: If Alonzo didn't want him anymore then he would just have to accept that and carry on. The silver tabby pushed himself up but instantly collapsed again. The distress that accompanied the statement he had made was too much to handle and he let out his grief in the solitude of this part of the junkyard. He quietly cried over the thought of Alonzo leaving him and couldn't stand to imagine that his one true love might not be there for him anymore. He had never loved another tom as much as Alonzo and he had become Munk's very life force. If he was gone then what was left for the silver tabby to live for?

Munk stayed in seclusion for a good half an hour before pulling himself together and exiting the hiding place. He was glad no one had seen him look so weak, or at least that's what he thought. As he climbed back over the junk towards the clearing a small black and white form emerged from behind a junk pile. Billy had seen the tabby run off and silently followed him. He had watched the protector without being noticed and had seen him go to pieces. The kitten was incredibly confused as he had rarely seen an adult cry. In fact the only cat he had seen so distraught had been Munkustrap when Alonzo had been missing and he wondered if this was a regular occurrence for the tabby. He stayed watching the tom until he had left and once he had vanished Billy took off via another route back to the clearing. He wouldn't tell anyone what he had seen; he didn't know how.

The day slowly crept on and the need to know what had happened grew ever stronger amongst the Jellicles. The anxiety that manifested in many of them showed and as Munk watched them between visiting his sleeping mate he began to feel quite scrutinized. In his fragile state he supposed that they were all gradually working out what he had done and were looking upon him with shame. The stable part of his mind knew that was impossible but he couldn't shake the nagging that it was true. It may in fact have been true amongst some of them; he got a strange feeling whenever he noticed the psychics Coricopat and Tantomile gazing at him with intensity. It wouldn't be beyond them to see what he had done and he felt nervous that they might tell everyone if indeed they knew. The silver tabby tried to appear unfazed and sat atop the tyre in the clearing watching out as usual. From time to time a cat would come close and speak to him but he always brushed them off with the same unbreakable façade; inside however he was torn up. It wouldn't be good for the Jellicles to see him break down again, the confidence they had in him was too important a factor in holding them all together and he needed to remain strong for their sake.

The conflicting emotions noticeably wore him down and from time to time some of the Jellicles would see him dozing and then quickly whip his head up again. He was very tired and sleep tried to take him wherever possible. The tabby would certainly have welcomed the rest but there was always the nagging of 'You're a murderer' hanging in his mind. Munk did his absolute best to shift the thought but it really wasn't any use; for now he was stuck with it.

Night came swiftly and Munk felt himself snoozing again. He decided to go to his bed and let exhaustion finally put him under. When he got to his den he fell down on his bed and it didn't take long for the nightmares to begin. Many times in the night he startled awake in cold sweat and had to deal with the haunting of Macavity. When he awoke the next morning he felt no more rested than when he had gone to bed and his body still ached intensively. When he finally turned to get up the sight of the psychic twins staring down at him from across the den startled him. His tail bushed up instinctively at the surprise and he excused his reaction when realized who it was. As he got up Coricopat began to speak,

"You're not feeling right, are you Munk?"

"And Good Morning to you to" replied the sleepy tabby

"Your mind is torn in many different ways, isn't it?"

The tabby resigned to the style of conversation as it was rather the norm with these two,

"I'm dealing with it as best I can"

"No you're not" chimed in Tantomile, "You're incredibly conflicted inside. You don't know how to feel, do you?"

"Well, no"

"Tell us what's bothering you" they said together

"Don't you already know?" asked Munk

"Of course we do but it's better for you to say it"

"Guys, I'd rather not"

"It will help"

"Thank you but I'd rather just leave it; I'll be fine."

"No you won't"

"Guys, please"

"It'll feel even worse the longer you leave it"

"I'll deal with it"

"No you won't, it's too big for you to handle"

"I am the protector, I'm sure I can handle it"

"Not even you can handle this"

"Stop it!" shouted the tabby feeling the twins read him like a book. They said they knew and he felt panic well up inside him. Along with that he felt frustration; who were they to tell him he couldn't handle his problem? He took in a deep breath and regained some composure before asking them timidly,

"Please don't tell anyone"

The twins nodded simultaneously and Coricopat spoke,

"When you're ready - if you want - we can help"

"I don't need help" snapped Munk fiercely but feeling scared inside

The twins turned to leave and Tantomile looked back at him just before they exited,

"You did what you had to do to protect your mate, Munk. It's okay"

"Get out!" yelled the tabby feeling emotion threaten to spill from him. He felt tears building up but wouldn't dare let anyone see them.

Tantomile looked at him with warmth before she left. Munk stood alone in his den ready to punch something due to the stress. He balled his fists and crushed his sadness deep inside himself to try and remain sturdy. After a few minutes he decided to quietly leave the den and find the alcove he had concealed himself in the previous day; at least no one could see or hear him there.

When he arrived he freely let out his emotional strife in the comfort of the solitude that surrounded him. The feelings weren't getting any weaker but at least the tribe wouldn't see him vent the pressure they applied – again: so he thought. As before, Billy had snuck along behind him and was watching the tabby let out his grief. The kitten felt quite sad by watching his protector in such a state and got more and more confused as the reason for Munk's pain became no clearer. He really didn't understand what was going on and began to grow anxious as he continued to watch.

After Munk's short period of despair he stepped out of the indentation in the junk and returned to the clearing. It was time to visit Alonzo again and he hoped with all his strength that his mate would have some stability today.

Jenny let out a long yawn as she watched Alonzo. She had barely slept since she had received the patched tom as she didn't want to miss him waking up. He had awoken seven times since arriving and each occurrence had come with the same panic and fear after a few moments of consciousness. Sometimes he would go into an episode and faint shortly after awaking, other times he would become terrified and lay on the bed staring into the abyss and mumbling incoherent words. His behaviour was very unnerving for Jenny as psychological problems what not her area of expertise. All she could do was tend his wounds and make sure he didn't hurt himself any more. Although what she was doing helped massively she couldn't shake the feeling of failure, after all she was the cat who could always fix a medical problem. Now she was presented with something that was beyond her and she felt very low at not knowing what to do. The tiredness didn't help either but she daren't go to sleep. Alonzo was prone to falling off of the bed if she wasn't there to catch him and she couldn't risk him causing any more injury.

She was surely one of the most caring and compassionate cats there ever was; if only she knew it.

Once again Alonzo began to stir and Jenny got up to walk over and prepare for another of his frights. As she walked a shadow was cast over the den and she looked to the door to see Munk standing there. She smiled warmly at him and he did his best to return the gesture.

"How is he, Jenny?" the tabby asked hopefully

"He's coming around again, dear." The queen replied and motioned to the tom she was caring for. Munk joined her at his mate's side and watched him crack his eyes and begin to look around. The silver tabby positioned his face close to Alonzo's and smiled down at him. Alonzo stared back with a hint of fear marking his expression and remained fixated on his mate's eyes. Munk quietly spoke to him,

"Hey, Alonzo. How are you feeling?"

The patched tom remained silently staring.

"You look a lot better" continued Munk, "I reckon you'll be back to normal in no time"

Alonzo closed his eyes and turned his head away from his mate. He took what Munk was saying as only an attempt to make him feel better where as he knew in his heart that the tabby would soon dump him. The ugliness he had been feeling had not diminished at all and he felt utterly disgusting. He flinched when Munk began to caress his face and pulled away in embarrassment with a tiny whimper. Munk took Alonzo's actions to mean that he didn't want to be near him and slowly took his paw away. The silver tabby wanted so desperately for his mate to not see him as a killer but it seemed that that was how it was going to be from now on.

How awful that they both felt ashamed in front of each other and what a terrible twist of fate that they would both – unknowing to each other – feel unworthy of one another's love after their ordeal with Macavity.

Munk rose and turned away from Alonzo trying his best not become emotional. His mate needed to see him being strong even if the patched tom didn't want him anymore. Bottling up his fears Munk turned back and continued to smile at his mate; somehow or other he would see him through all of this and make sure he was alright for the future. In his heart he felt that Alonzo deserved nothing less and only wanted him to be happy. If he couldn't have him then at least he could make sure he had a happy life. Munk took some comfort from this decision despite how hollow it felt, he then once again attempted to talk to his mate,

"I bet you're looking forward to getting out of those bandages, aren't you darling?"

Alonzo nodded weakly.

"I'm sure they must be quite uncomfortable. Jenny certainly did a good job though, didn't she?" said Munk smiling at Jenny who smiled back

"You know, the mornings are coming a little earlier now. It's still quite icy but there's been more sun recently; I'm sure you'll be glad to see it"

Alonzo felt guilty for taking up his mate's time but wouldn't dare ask him to leave. He loved having him near and treasured the time he had left with him. He decided to try and reply but as he looked to where his mate was he was met with the spectre of Macavity. Alonzo bolted up and began to cower in fear. He did his best to scramble away from the evil tom who was smiling evilly at him and Jenny darted forward to stop him falling. He whispered two silent words with a shaky voice,

"Stay away"

Munk didn't know what was going on. He tried to step forward and reach out to his mate but that only seemed to make him more terrified. Munk looked at Jenny with worry and silently begged for an answer.

"It's not you, dear" she said noticing him looking at her, "He's seeing something else." The queen put her paws over Alonzo's eyes and gently reassured him was safe before speaking to Munk again, "Talk to him, dear. Tell him he's okay"

Munk didn't know what to say and had trouble finding words,

"Umm…it's okay Alonzo…everything's fine…I…"

He placed his paws on his head; it wasn't working.

"Keep going, dear" said Jenny as calmly as she could as she held the shaking tom

"You're okay, Alonzo. I'm here" continued Munk, "Nothing can hurt you, I promise. I'll keep you safe"

Alonzo seemed to calm a little bit but still looked frightened. Munk gradually stepped forward and gently put his paws on his mate's arms.

"Do you feel me, Alonzo? It's me, Munk. I'm here for you"

Slowly Alonzo placed his paws over Munk's and squeezed them tightly. He relished the feeling of his mate and suddenly felt a lot safer. He didn't feel worthy of the contact but enjoyed it anyway. It reminded him of how much love he still felt for Munkustrap and made him start to sob. The silver tabby saw his mate break down and leaned forward to hug him. Alonzo wrapped his arms around the tabby and sobbed quietly into his fur. The feeling of security was unbelievable and for a moment he felt as if everything was going to be alright. Jenny took her paws away from his eyes and let the two toms share their moment of desperation. She saw how tightly they held each other and prayed that the love she saw would see them through.

After a few moments Alonzo opened his eyes and saw the beautiful criss-crossing pattern of silver and black that was unique to Munk's coat. The ghost of Macavity had disappeared and he relaxed slightly into the embrace. He knew he'd have to let go soon but couldn't pull away just yet; the warmth coming from Munk felt perfect and he didn't want it to let up.

"I'm sorry, Munk" whispered Alonzo

"Why on earth would you be sorry?" replied the tabby

"For keeping you"

Munk reached his paw up to the back of Alonzo's head and rubbed gently before replying,

"I'll never let you go, Alonzo. I promise"

The patched tom smiled and nuzzled into his mate's neck. It was a long time before they eventually pulled apart and Alonzo lay down again. Munk stayed with him and watched him silently doze off once again. The tabby didn't know how to feel; what on earth was going on in his mate's mind?

A few days passed with the same routine over and over again. Munk kept visiting Alonzo and usually snuck off afterwards to let out his grief. It wasn't long before Jenny deemed Alonzo well enough to go back to his own den and Munk did everything he could think of to make his mate feel welcome. The patched tom timidly returned and for most of the time sat staring into the air not saying a word. Munk grew even more worried as time went on but couldn't think of anything to help his mate. This only made him sneak off more as the building emotion was becoming too much to handle. Alonzo noticed his mate's increased absence and only assured himself that Munk was trying to stay away from him. The thought made him cry when the tabby wasn't around and kept him in his despairing state. His visions of Macavity were becoming rarer and rarer but in their place was the feeling of disgust towards himself and in many ways it was far worse than hallucinations of the cat who had raped and tortured him.

And so a cycle of pain was established keeping both toms in terrible sorrow. The Jellicles noticed how increasingly awful they both looked but were helpless to do anything about it. Many of them didn't know if there was anything they could do and it was unnerving watching the two strongest toms get worse. Above all this though they didn't understand what it was that was making them look so terrible. Perhaps if they knew then they could help but nobody wanted to pry. It must have been quite an awful thing that happened whatever it was.

Three weeks went by with nothing changing except Alonzo spiralling further and further downward. It pained Munk to see his mate look so sad but hoped he would feel better now that the time had come for his bandages to come off. Hopefully it wouldn't be as bad as what he assumed the patched tom thought.

One early February morning Munk gently awoke his mate and greeted him with a warm smile. Alonzo stared back at him with coldness; this was the day he had been dreading. After stalling as much as he could he reluctantly crossed the clearing with Munk and entered Jenny's den. They were greeted with the sight of Jenny smiling and holding a gleaming pair of scissors. Alonzo felt his lip begin to quiver as he felt the moment of truth become ever closer. As Jenny approached him he considered running away but his fear had paralyzed him. He screwed his eyes shut as the tabby queen carefully cut away at the gauze that covered most of his body. As she went he heard Munk try to stifle a gasp as the coverings came away and began to tremble from what was going to happen. After several painfully slow minutes the queen stepped away and looked at the tom. She wanted to tell him something positive but she was lost for words. Alonzo did not look good. The wounds had healed up well but in their place were big, brutal scars. Jenny felt a tear slip down her cheek as she looked upon the afflicted tom.

"What on earth happened to you?" she whispered with a shaky voice just before Alonzo opened his eyes. He couldn't bear to look down and simply stared at the two cats who gazed back at him and were doing their best to uphold smiles. He could see they were having trouble doing so.

"Well, you've certainly healed quickly" said Munk trying to say anything positive.

"Really?" replied Alonzo still too afraid to look down.

"Oh…yes, of course you have" babbled Jenny realising how she must have looked, "Would you like to see?" she said gesturing to a mirror across the den. With a deep breath Alonzo slowly walked over and looked into the mirror. He was so afraid he didn't hear Munk and Jenny gasp as he turned and displayed his back. Alonzo looked into the mirror and saw what the other two had first seen. The were some rather nasty scars on his front but he took some solace when he saw some large areas of fur just like they had been before Macavity had taken him. He smiled weakly and supposed for a moment that he had been overly worried and that Munk might still want him. Maybe he had thought the remnants of his injuries would be far worse – at least that's what he thought until he turned around and saw his mate and carer gawking at him.

"What?" he asked confusedly and looked back into the mirror. Then he figured it out. He quickly spun around and turned his head to see what the other two saw. He stopped breathing the moment he saw his back in the mirror. There, in the glass he saw the reflection of huge, ugly scars that nearly covered every patch of fur he had once had. Little sections of his coat still remained but they were like jagged islands on a sea of scarred skin. He let out a pained cry and dropped to his knees still looking into the mirror. His once pristinely beautiful coat was missing and in it's place was a great ugly mass. He felt sick as he took in the sight and gagged as the full extent of the injuries sunk in. He returned his gaze to his mate who he noticed had tears in his eyes as he watched Alonzo come to terms with the loss of his previous appearance. As Munk looked down he saw Alonzo start to wobble and rushed forward to catch his mate before he collapsed. Alonzo flinched wildly as he felt Munk's paws on his back and began to cry hysterically into his fur. He really was ruined.

Jenny sniffled quietly to herself and watched the spectacle unfold in front of her. She felt so bad for Alonzo but was glad he had Munk to get him through.

The silver tabby rocked Alonzo gently as he comforted him,

"I still love you, Alonzo. I love you so much"

After a while Alonzo felt numb. Munk had told him he really loved him and from this he felt confused. Did this mean the tabby wasn't going to leave him? He then felt incredibly guilty for subjecting Munk to his horrible body. The silver tabby deserved more than him; how could he allow him to settle for far less than he deserved?

The two stayed on the floor of Jenny's den holding each other for a very long time. Neither of them knew what to do.

Poor Alonzo feels worthless. I feel so bad for putting him through all of this. Besides we all know people do crazy things when they're really upset, what if Alonzo does something drastic?

Thanks for reading, next chapter will be soon. x