Happy New Year!
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This is the longest chapter yet so you'd best go to the loo before you begin. Also, it might help to look at a picture of Tower Bridge in London before you read as it will help you to visualise my descriptions towards the end.
A year in the life of the black and white toms
Chapter 13
Falling
Alonzo sat atop the big tyre in the clearing of the junkyard. He hadn't been sleeping much since he'd discovered how bad his scars had been and that was weeks ago; exactly how many he couldn't remember. When the rest of the Jellicles were awake he secluded himself in his den so they couldn't look at his mangled coat. He crept out when he was sure no one was around to take in some air and to be alone. Munk had stayed with him as much as he could but had been sneaking off even more now that his mate wasn't wearing any bandages. Alonzo assumed the tabby was repulsed by his appearance and was only spending time with him until he couldn't bear to look at him anymore. Whenever he came back the silver tabby looked haggard and had red, puffy eyes and Alonzo could tell he had been crying. He thought it must have been because Munk was finding it too hard to honour his commitment to him and needed some time away so the vile scars wouldn't sicken him.
Alonzo took in a deep breath and looked down at his paws. He was the reason Munk wasn't happy and he felt like an absolutely atrocious cat. He thought he had known himself pretty well but here he was being more selfish than he thought possible. He felt an incredible self-loathing and resigned to the thought that the world would be better without him. He felt more and more crushed as he became the obstacle between Munk and happiness and brought his paws up to his face. As he hunched over he didn't notice a red queen approach him from across the clearing and stand in front of him.
"Alonzo?" Bomba asked quietly
The patched tom looked up at her and she could see there was pain in his eyes. He did his best to keep facing her so she wouldn't be able to see his back; to his knowledge only Munk and Jenny had seen what a mess he was and he desperately wanted to keep it that way.
"Go away, Bomba" he said wanting to be alone
"Please don't send me off, 'Lonz. I only want to talk to you"
"I don't want to talk"
"Then we can just sit. You look like you could really use some company"
"I want to be alone"
"Alonzo…"
"Please, Bomba. Just go-" he choked on his words and began to sniffle. The queen saw him crack and approached him with her paws outstretched.
"Don't come any closer! Please, don't!" spluttered the tom as he saw the queen approach him
"Oh, Alonzo. What happened to you? Everyone's so confused by you and Munk and the way you've both been acting and we don't know why."
"I just don't want to think about it, Bomba. It was so terrible"
"At least let me sit with you. Please!"
"No"
"Alonzo, you're in no condition to be left alone. We all love you so much so please let us help"
Alonzo was quiet for a moment before he slumped and returned his face to his paws and spoke through his fingers, "Stay in front of me"
"Why?" asked the queen
"Please, just do it"
"Okay" said Bomba sitting quietly in front of the upset tom. After a short period of silence between them she spoke up, "It's nice to have you back, I've missed you since you disappeared and then when you got back you stayed out of sight"
"I haven't really felt up to coming outside"
"I knew it would take you a long time to recover, you looked so terrible the night Munk brought you back"
Alonzo looked up at her, "Munk brought me back?"
"Yeah, he carried you in his arms. There was so much blood it must have been hard not to drop you"
"I don't remember getting back"
"You were unconscious. Me and Tugger carried you into Jenny's den"
"You saw me?" he asked frightfully
"Yeah, we did. You were in such a bad way we could barely believe it was you under all that blood. What on earth happened to you?"
Alonzo shook his head giving the Bomba the sign that he still couldn't say.
"I hope you can tell me one day. I was so worried about you, 'Lonz"
"YOU were worried?"
"Of course I was"
"Hmm"
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked with a hint of a smile
"It's just…I never expected you to be too worried if I ever went missing"
"Come on, patches. You know I'd always worry if you vanished"
"Even though we don't always get along?"
"Of course"
"Thank you" he whispered
Bomba smiled wider and reached out to rub him affectionately on the arm. Alonzo recoiled so she couldn't touch him and looked away in shame.
"'Lonz, why don't you want me to touch you?"
" I just...can't let anyone touch me"
"Why?"
"Because…because…because I'm disgusting"
"Disgusting? Of course you're not disgusting, whatever gave you that idea?"
"You don't know, Bomba. You just don't know"
"Then tell me"
"I can't!" he cried painfully, "I just can't think about it because he's still inside! He's still inside me, Bomba!" The tom stared at her with desperation and despondency and her heart practically broke at the sight.
"Who's still inside, Alonzo?" she asked timidly
The patched tom took a moment to summon his strength and eventually whispered the word which struck fear into his heart,
"Macavity." At that he placed his face back in his paws and began to shiver from the sobs.
Bomba sat in amazement and found it difficult to find the words to respond,
"Macavity?" she repeated, "What did he do?"
Alonzo looked at her and shook his head while tears streamed down his face. He wanted to tell her but couldn't manage it.
"Alonzo, tell me!" she said desperately, "You're safe now, he can't hurt you anymore!"
Through panting and shaking Alonzo whispered the awful things that had happened to him,
"Macavity…he…he did terrible things"
"What things?" she asked gently
"He…he…raped me" he struggled to say the last two words and Bomba placed her paw to her mouth.
"Oh, Alonzo, no" she breathed. The tom nodded without looking at her and then took in a deep breath before he rose to his feet. Very slowly he turned around and showed the red queen his back. He heard her gasp and shuffle backwards as she looked upon the hideous slashing claw marks that were left on his skin. She shook her head in disbelief as the sight filled her mind. She felt positively awful and her heart went out to the tom; what a horrible thing to have to carry around. Being raped was horrifying but mutilated as well? What an evil cat Macavity was.
"Oh, Alonzo, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry"
The patched tom turned back around and looked down to the ground. Bomba shuffled forward and slowly pulled him into a hug. She simply didn't know what else to do; she now understood why Alonzo had wanted to keep this a secret and the sadness and pity she felt for him was unbelievable. It kept escalating as she gently traced the trails of scar tissue with her paws.
"Did Munk save you?" she eventually asked through the grief she held within
"Yes" whispered the forlorn tom, "Macavity was going to rape me in front of him but Munk killed him before he could do it"
Bomba's eyes went wide and she looked straight at the fragile tom, "Macavity's dead?"
Alonzo nodded and Bomba pulled him back into a hug. She couldn't believe Munk had it in him but she felt sympathy. She supposed she would have done the same thing if someone had done all those horrible things to the cat she loved. The queen began to stroke the back of Alonzo's head as he stood in her arms. The poor tom didn't feel comforted but he was thankful for her concern.
"He really must love you to kill for you" said Bomba
Alonzo sighed before replying, "He shouldn't have to. Not anymore"
"What on earth do you mean?"
Alonzo stepped away and slowly turned in a circle, "Look at me"
Bomba once again took in the sight of his damaged body and understood what he was getting at. She swallowed her sorrow and responded,
"Of course he still loves you, 'Lonz. Why would you think he'd stop for something like this?"
"He said he still loves me but I don't think it's fair that he does"
"Why?"
Alonzo looked up into the sky, "He deserves the best. I'm ruined now"
"You should know love is more than what's on the outside. You and Munk were best friends long before you were mates so why do you think he would stop loving you or even liking you because you're…" She couldn't find the words to finish and let the silence speak for her.
"I wouldn't care if we were still just friends but it's different now. I always thought out of all of us he deserved an amazing mate and I thought for a while that maybe I could be that. Now, though, I'll never be good enough" He spoke with his voice showing ever-stronger emotion and had trouble finishing his explanation. Through sad chokes he continued, "Macavity may be dead but in the end he still won, Bomba. He's still in my mind and even now I can feel him torturing me and I know he's never going to leave. For as long as I'm living with these scars he'll always be hurting me"
Bomba didn't know what to say; what was it that Alonzo meant? She decided to ask,
"What do you mean 'for as long as you're living'?"
Alonzo wiped his eyes and looked back at her, "Nothing" he responded. He wouldn't tell her the thought that had just crossed his mind. "It doesn't matter anyway, I'll never be good enough for Munk now"
Bomba grabbed his arm and made him look at her. She looked really quite fierce as she held him and spoke,
"Now look, patches. You and Munk will always be perfect for each other whether you're the hottest cat in all of London or just a head in a jar. You know why? Because it doesn't matter what you look like. Munk loves you for you, not your body. Why do you think you and he were friends for so long? It's because he loves you as a cat, Alonzo, not as a beauty queen."
Alonzo looked down at his feet. He knew she was right but she hadn't shaken the feeling of unworthiness. He simply fell forward into her arms and tried to find some comfort.
The two cats stayed together until the day came. They didn't talk much but they enjoyed the company they provided each other with. Alonzo didn't tell her how undeserving he felt of Munk's love as he didn't want her to worry. He did, however, keep circulating the words he had said earlier: 'for as long as I'm living with these scars he'll always be hurting me'. Implications of the phrase began to creep into his mind and he felt darkness enter his soul as he watched the junkyard brighten.
Munk was awoken from another fragmented night's sleep by the weight of Alonzo reintroduced onto the bed. The silver tabby blinked in the morning light and looked to his side where the form of the black and white tom lay turned away from him. Munk had attempted to snuggle up to Alonzo several times since he had been back but the tom had always kept his distance and did not look at the tabby. Munk took this as a sign that his fears were really becoming true. He desperately wanted to ask Alonzo how he felt about him now that he had killed Macavity but the tom's actions seemed to provide him with all the answers he needed. Munk sighed as he watched his tom lay still and wanted nothing more in the world than to shuffle over to him and hold him tight. As the grey, dewy March morning came to life Munk felt increasingly alone even though the one he wanted was merely an arm's length away. There was a huge empty space in his arms that Alonzo should have been filling but he wasn't there. The tabby clasped the empty air and desperately wished he could feel his mate's warmth once more; but how likely was it that he would ever feel that again?. He really needed to feel some love at that moment but knew it probably wouldn't be there if he tried to find it. He was so lonely.
Munk looked upon Alonzo's scars and felt anger ignite within him. He felt awful for having killed Macavity but he wouldn't have it any other way. That cat had left Alonzo with those marks and done things which he never wanted to think about again. Macavity deserved to be dead even though Munk felt awful for killing him. Perhaps it wasn't the cat he had killed but the killing itself. He felt utter hatred towards the tom who had done that to Alonzo but wasn't in turmoil over killing him specifically. Munk looked up to the roof of his den and made out patterns in the junk as his mind wandered. As he lay there listening to Alonzo breathe softly many thoughts went through his mind. Yes, it was true that he was upset for having killed a cat but no, he didn't feel bad for killing THAT cat. So what was he meant to feel? Some parts of him told him to feel terrible but other told him to feel as if he had served justice and as he mulled them over the tom became incredibly confused and frustrated by his musings.
He decided to get up and leave the den so as not to disturb his mate should he inadvertently think out loud. As he quietly padded towards the door he turned to look at Alonzo; he appeared to have fallen asleep. Munk decided to take advantage of the situation, after all Alonzo wouldn't be able to shy away when he was sleeping. Very slowly the silver tabby bent down to the patched tom placed a soft kiss on his cheek. He then gently rubbed his face against Alonzo in affection and whispered as he did so,
"I love you so much, Alonzo. Please forgive me"
With that he quickly left the den and breathed deep in the morning air. Unbeknown to him Alonzo cracked open his eyes once he was sure Munk had left and stared at the doorway he had gone through. He hadn't been sleeping, he just didn't want Munk know he was awake. His heart had leapt into his throat when Munk had said he loved him; what was he meant to believe? He desperately longed to hold Munk again but knew he shouldn't. He really didn't feel like it was his place anymore. His mind began to wander down a dangerous road and soon some bad thoughts came into his head. All the while he was around Munk would feel pressured into staying with him. Having known his mate for years he knew the tabby always honoured his commitments despite how much they compromised him. Alonzo didn't want to be the ultimate obstacle to Munk's happiness and he sat up straight looking dead ahead. He knew what he had to do.
Munk decided to stroll around the junkyard to try and clear his head. He set off on one of his home's many trails and took the longest route he could think of. The Jellicles rarely came to this part of the junkyard and there were barely any clear paths. As the junk got thicker and thicker he began to climb over the piles and soon all the walkways were behind him. He stood looking out ahead and saw only heaps of rubbish. The solitude he felt here was a little unnerving but he pressed on hoping his alone time would do him good.
He walked on a fair way further and soon the feeling of being watched tickled at his senses. All cats are able to tell if they are being followed and at that moment Munk distinctively felt the prying of eyes on his body. The silver tabby turned around and scanned the junk but did not see anyone. He stooped low and sniffed the air to try and pick up any scent. There was nothing and he thought maybe he had been mistaken before he turned around. He jumped back as all of a sudden Coricopat and Tantomile were standing right in front of him. His paw caught on the junk and he tumbled backwards and landed on his back.
"For crying out loud, you guys! Announce yourselves or something next time!"
The twins didn't wait to exchange pleasantries before they delved right into what they had on their minds,
"You've been thinking" they said in unison, "you've made some progress over how you feel"
Munk rolled his eyes and groaned with frustration as the twins read his mind.
"You haven't told anyone, have you?"
"No one"
"Good"
"Are you ready to talk about it yet?"
"I don't need your help"
"Yes, you do"
"Guys, I'm serious! Leave me alone!" said Munk feeling angry at their intrusion into his thoughts
"You killed Macavity for a reason, Munk. There's no shame in protect-"
"Shut up! Shut up, shut up!" shouted Munk, "I don't need you two psychos to fix me! I'm fine!" The tabby began to growl and bare his teeth at the twins.
"You won't be fine until you talk about it. Trust us, we know" said Coricopat
"Trust you? You break into my mind and you expect me to trust you?"
"We know exactly how you feel, Munk. We understand"
Munk felt livid and screamed in white hot rage, "You don't fucking understand!" In a mad fit of anger Munk leapt forward and punched Coricopat hard in the face. The tom fell backwards and lay on the junk looking – quite appropriately – gobsmacked. As he came to terms with what had happened he puzzled over why he hadn't seen it coming and looked at his sister who crouched over him looking just as surprised as him.
Munk looked down at the twins with utter shock. His fist was still suspended in the air and tingled from when it made contact with Coricopat's cheek. He looked at his outstretched paw and then back at the accosted tom on the junk with his sister fussing over him frantically. What had he done?
"I'm sorry" whispered the silver tabby before tearing off across the junk. As he ran he began to hit himself in the chest over the sheer frustration that was his life. First he was a killer, then Alonzo didn't want to be with him and now he was attacking any cat that got in his way? What had happened to him? How could he have gone from the sanest most upstanding cat in the junkyard to the murderous, loose cannon he now was. As he entered the clearing his vision was obscured by tears that welled up in the corners of his eyes and he didn't look where he was going. As if he wasn't already going through enough he collided with the huge, great form of his father and the two toms fell to the ground in a heap. Old Deuteronomy was just checking in as usual and he hadn't seen his son running blindly. The two lay on the ground for a moment before they both looked up. Old Deuteronomy looked at his son who appeared absolutely distraught as he struggled to get up.
"Munkustrap, are you alright?" he asked worriedly. He got no response as Munk jumped up and began running off over the junk again. Something was desperately wrong and the old tom knew he had to get to the bottom of it. But where to begin? The leader looked around the clearing at the cats who had seen their collision and gave them looks as if to say 'what was all that about?'
He spoke to some of them but they all came back with the same answer: Munk and Alonzo had been acting strangely ever since they had both gone missing and none of them knew why. Old Deuteronomy was almost lost when he finally decided to ask Billy. He didn't expect the little tom to answer any differently but he valued each and every Jellicle's opinion and Billy was certainly becoming one of those since his arrival to the junkyard.
"Billy, my boy. I don't suppose you know anything about what's going on with Munkustrap and Alonso, do you?"
The black and white kitten shook his head but continued to look intently at the leader. Old Deuteronomy straightened up and wondered what to try next. As he turned to walk away he stopped when a small voice called out to him,
"He cries when no one can see him"
The Jellicle leader turned back around and stared at the kitten,
"He cries?"
"Yes. He always goes to the same place and cries"
"How long has he been doing this, Billy?"
"Since he got back, sir"
"Does he know you know this?"
"No"
"I see. Could you show me where he goes, Billy?"
The small kitten nodded and reached out to take the older tom's paw. Billy lead Old Deuteronomy up over the junk and after a short while of clambering the sound of painful sobs filled their ears.
"Thank you, Billy. I'm sure I can find him from here. Why don't you go back?"
Billy scampered back the way he had come and left the leader to seek out the source of the sobs. He could tell they came from his son, they were very distinctive.
Alonzo continued to stare intensely into nothingness. He had been that way for hours as he silently mulled over the method he had devised to eradicate the anguish he was causing Munk. He didn't feel upset, he almost felt happy that soon his mate wouldn't feel guilty for staying with him anymore. He knew how he could give Munk a fresh start and while it meant he wouldn't be in the tabby's life he would at least know that Munk would be free to go on without painful reminders hanging over him. Alonzo took in a deep breath and made his final decision: he would take his own life in order to give Munk back his.
Alonzo looked out of the door of his den. The day was moving on now and the afternoon would soon be here. He smiled at the sunlight which bathed the junkyard; it was a beautiful sight to see new life finding it's way into his home. It seemed to symbolize the new life the Jellicles would have without him and he it looked nice to him – albeit making him feel a little anxious. He wouldn't have to wait too long to go ahead with the solution he had thought up as night would arrive in a few hours. Then he could do what he had to do in order to make things right again. With a small twinge of fear he returned to the bed to try and sleep. He would need energy in order to get to where he intended to go later on.
Munk sat in the alcove that had now become the only place in the world he felt was safe enough to open up. That place used to be in Alonzo's arms but his perceived loss of trust left Munk with only the dark, cold junk to seek solace from. Munk was truly beside himself and he leant against the hard walls of the concavity as he let his sadness flow out. He didn't feel like he knew who he was anymore and he certainly didn't know where to go from here.
He was so despondent he didn't hear the heavy footfalls of the Jellicle leader approach his hiding place and stop when he reached the opening. Old Deuteronomy bent down and looked into the dark hole. He was greeted with the sorry sight of his son in the most vulnerable state he could have imagined. The leader's heart went out to him and he almost lost his ability to speak as he looked upon his dismal offspring. Munk looked up as a shadow fell across the light that came from the entrance and he did his best to look composed when he noticed his father looking at him. His best wasn't particularly convincing and it wasn't long before his façade – like a dam holding back too much water – went crashing down. The silver tabby simply didn't have the energy to keep up appearances anymore and he turned his face away as he sobbed violently with the shame of crying in front of his father washing over him.
"Please go away, sir" pleaded Munk
Old Deuteronomy continued to look at him with an incredibly heartfelt expression. If there was one thing he knew how to do it was speak straight to his son's soul without muttering a word; he'd gotten rather good at it over the years and knew his expression said more than words ever could. It wasn't long before Munk peeked at his father and recognized the huge amount of love he had for him. The tabby slowly shuffled forward and buried his face into his father's shoulder. He didn't want to appear so weak but he needed the comfort he knew was waiting in the older tom's arms. His body racked gently as he let out a huge amount of his strife into the leader's fur and he was reminded of how safe he had felt in this very position when he had been a kitten. What an incredibly long time ago that had been. Old Deuteronomy gently rubbed his son's back and comforted him as he cried.
A long while passed until Munk found enough composure to lean back and begin the awkward explanation as to his sorrowful display. He decided to keep his line of sight low until his father spoke first.
"What's wrong, Munkustrap?" said the old cat in his deep, wise baritone
Munk sighed before responding, "So much, sir"
"My boy, why is it you always call me sir especially at times like this?" chuckled Old Deuteronomy
"Sorry…dad"
"Much better. Now, why don't you start at the beginning?"
"There's just so much…and it's so…hard"
"I've got all the time in the world"
Munk was once again silent for a moment before beginning,
"Well, do you remember when Alonzo went missing?"
"Yes"
"I was searching for him for days before I figured out where he was. I followed my senses and I found I was right"
"Well that's brilliant, isn't it?"
"No, dad. Macavity had taken him and chained him up"
"Oh…"
"But that's not the worst part. He tortured him, dad! He slashed at him with his claws and made him bleed so much! He's got so many scars on his back now that you wouldn't recognise him from behind. And it's my fault, dad! I should have been able to stop all of that happening but I didn't."
Old Deuteronomy tilted his head forward and smiled gently, "Munkustrap, Macavity is the most devious, most evil cat around. You could have built walls around the junkyard a mile high but he still would have found a way in. You of all cats should know that when Macavity wants something he'll give everything he's got to obtain it. Munkustrap, you are so good at what you do but you can't keep everybody safe all the time. You did nothing wrong. Can you see that?"
"That's not the last of it, though…" said Munk shakily
"Oh?"
The tabby took in another deep breath and struggled to tell his father, "Macavity raped him too." Munk hid his eyes with his paw and turned to keep himself from letting out a torrent of woe.
Old Deuteronomy stared at him wide-eyed for a moment and then closed them in heartbreaking contemplation; those words were hard to get one's head around, even for him. He understood completely now: Macavity had done far more than torture his son's mate, he had forced himself upon him and taken his dignity. What an evil cat he was. After a moment he looked down and cradled his son trying to show him just how sorry he felt for him.
"I'm so sorry to hear that, Munkustrap. That's truly a terrible thing"
"I'm still not done…"
Old Deuteronomy breathed deeply waiting for yet another bombshell; what more could the evil cat have done to Alonzo?
"One day Macavity dragged me into where he was keeping Alonzo chained up and forced me to watch while he raped and tortured him again. But just before he was about to do it I broke free and tackled him."
"Surely that's good" said the leader hopefully. Munk shook his head.
"I was so angry and scared I didn't know what I was doing. At the time I meant to do it, I wanted to get revenge and it seemed like the only way. It all happened so fast but I remember it so clearly and I can't believe I actually managed to do it…"
Old Deuteronomy was confused by his son's babbling and asked him very carefully,
"What did you do, Munkustrap?"
"I killed him"
There was complete silence for a few minutes as the two cats simply thought through the words. Old Deuteronomy eventually spoke up,
"Macavity is dead?"
"Yes" whispered Munk
"How?"
"I hit his head against the ground until I was sure"
" I see."
There was silence once again. The old tom took his time to think through the implications of this revelation and eventually came to a conclusion. He lifted his son's chin and looked at him with extreme wisdom in his eyes.
"Macavity did some awful things to not only Alonzo but so many other cats. I'd wager that if you hadn't done what you did he would have killed you both. I'm not saying that I condone killing anyone but it's okay that you did this time. Macavity was a sick, evil cat and I can only wish he hadn't done some of the things I've heard he has done in the past." he paused before continuing, "Son, you did what was necessary – you are not in the wrong."
"But I'm a murderer; how can Alonzo want me now that I've got blood on my paws?"
"Alonzo must of course love you for destroying the cat that had done those terrible things to him. Why would you think otherwise?"
"Because he doesn't even let me touch him anymore. Ever since he's been back he's been keeping to himself and barely talking"
"And you think that's because you killed Macavity?"
"Yes" mumbled Munk quietly looking down
"Oh, Munkustrap. Do you know how ludicrous that sounds? Alonzo must love you so dearly for saving him. He would surely have been killed had you not come to his rescue so of course he still loves you."
"Do you think so?" asked Munk hopefully but still with sadness
"Definitely, my boy"
"Then why is he acting so strangely?"
Old Deuteronomy thought for a moment, "Are his scars really that bad?"
Munk nodded grimly.
"Have you considered how he must be feeling having to display them to everyone? Or to be more specific: to you? He's quite the looker I'm sure you'll agree so he must feel quite upset to have the same coat he had before he was kidnapped"
Munk furrowed his brow; how had the simple explanation his father had just offered passed over his head for so long? It seemed so simple: Alonzo had always been proud of his looks but he must now be really unhappy that he had been changed so much. Munk scoffed in amazement over his stupidity; how had he been so blind?
"Is all this why you've been sneaking off so much?"
Munk looked at his father and puzzled, "How did you know?"
"Billy has been following you. The poor little thing is completely stupefied by how you've been. It might help to explain to him why you've been so upset once you and Alonzo have sorted everything out"
Munk felt his heart sink; his father didn't know about Billy's mother.
"I've just thought of one more thing" said Munk awkwardly and Old Deuteronomy grimaced as he prepared himself for yet another blow.
"Yes?" the old tom said timidly
"Billy's mother, I think Macavity killed her too."
Old Deuteronomy sighed and felt horrible. The poor little kitten that had so much hope in Munkustrap to find his mother would have to be told she was dead. How on earth had Macavity managed to do so many awful things in such a short length of time?"
"I see" said the leader, "The poor queen, and poor Billy."
Munk nodded sadly knowing that he would have to break the news to him soon. One thing at a time though, Alonzo had to be dealt with first.
"Are you feeling better now?" asked Old Deuteronomy. Munk looked at him not really knowing how to feel before replying,
"I think so"
"Good. You should go to him now, son, and tell him how much you love him. Find out how he feels and work from there."
The two made their way out of the hole and looked at their surroundings. The evening was approaching now and long shadows were cast across the junk. Before they set off back to the clearing Munk grabbed his father and asked him,
"Do you think he and I will be okay?"
Old Deuteronomy smiled warmly at his son, "Of course, my boy. I'm sure of it"
For the first time in weeks, Munk actually felt a speck of happiness begin to grow inside him.
In the warmth of his den Alonzo sat feeling cold. It was almost time for him to leave and suddenly a great feeling of fear gripped him. He didn't cry out or react in any way, he just sat staring straight ahead. It seemed that he had truly lost his mind as he thought more and more about what he was intending to do that evening. His silent contemplation was interrupted when Bomba burst into the den with a huge smile on her face.
"Hey, Alonzo! I've got some good news!"
The tom just looked at her without expression as she continued,
"Tugger wants to take us all out tonight, he thinks it would do us all good since it's been so droopy around here lately. And I know how much you love to party so I thought you'd jump at the chance. What do you say?"
Alonzo turned away and looked down,
"I can't. I'm busy."
"Busy? With what?" asked Bomba sarcastically
"Just stuff I need to do"
"Is it more important that going out and feeling good?"
"It is this time" he trailed off.
"Well, what is it?"
Alonzo got up and looked out of the door behind Bomba. It was about mid-afternoon now and the sun was just about to begin it's descent. He spoke quite airily,
"It's become quite a nice day, hasn't it Bomba?"
"Yeah?" she said feeling more confused
"Perfect day to finish on"
"Finish on? What do you mean?"
"Never mind. Did cats worry about me when I was missing?"
Bomba looked at him feeling completely confused; how on earth was that relevant?
"Umm…yes, they did. You know they did."
"Do you think they'd miss me if I went again?"
"Well…Yeah? Why? Are you going somewhere?"
"What about if they knew where I was going?"
"Alonzo, what are you talking about?"
He hesitated for a moment and then looked to the ground looking blue,
"Nothing" he said quietly, "Just a thought I had"
"Are you alright?" asked Bomba wondering if the tom in front of her had snapped
"I think for the first time in a while I'm actually okay. I know what I have to do now."
"Alonzo, seriously, what are you talking about?"
The black and white tom looked at her solemnly and then smiled warmly before speaking,
"You're a good friend, Bomba. Thank you for always being there"
By now Bomba was utterly confounded; she absolutely did not know what Alonzo was talking about and it started to worry her.
"Alonzo, what's going on? Please, tell me."
"I've got to go now, Bomba" said Alonzo stiffly turning back to the door and beginning to walk towards it. The queen grabbed his arm as he went and pleaded,
"Alonzo! Please tell me what you mean! I don't understand!"
Alonzo shook her off and jumped out of the den. She followed him out but by the time she was outside he was already running across the clearing. As he went the queen was sure she could see him glistening at the eyes. The queen shouted after him but it was no use, he was gone. Bomba didn't know what to do; partly because Alonzo had acted so strangely but mostly because she just didn't understand. She stood outside the den feeling incredibly worried that something very bad was about to happen.
In the clearing there was a huddle of cats all centred around the psychic twins. They had returned quietly not wanting to cause a fuss but it hadn't been long before the kittens had started prying. Tantomile was trying to pass off a false explanation as to why her brother couldn't speak. Neither of them wanted to let the tribe know that Munk had lost his temper and hit Coricopat in the jaw rendering him unable to talk from the swelling. Mistoffelees was gently manipulating the psychic cat's mouth and getting a good look so as to figure out how to fix it. He had quickly talked with Tantomile and they had decided it was best not to involve Jenny, she would certainly make far too much of a fuss. Besides, Misto could probably fix this without a problem. Rubbing his paws together he warned Coricopat,
"This might sting"
The psychic simply nodded and closed his eyes; he had already seen what Misto had in mind. Blowing into each of his paws Misto raised them up to the sides of Coricopat's head. In a flash he threw them back and then slapped the cat in front of him; first on the left, then on the right. There was a flash of light with each impact and the psychic tom groaned as each paw made contact.
A second or two passed before he opened his mouth again and moved his jaw around slowly.
"I think you did it" he said cautiously and then smiled when the words came out as clear as crystal. "Thanks, Misto"
The tuxedo tom smiled smugly and stood feeling very pleased with himself.
"Anytime, Cori" he said happily. He loved it when he could help using his magic.
"Please don't call me Cori"
"Why not?"
"It's girly"
"Then it's quite befitting, wouldn't you say?" snickered Misto
Coricopat playfully punched him on the arm and they laughed together.
"So, how did that happen in the first place?" asked Misto
"Didn't you hear Tantomile?"
"Yes but I reckon there's more to it than a slip and a fall"
Coricopat looked a tad shifty and spoke with his eyes averted,
"Just a little scuffle, nothing to worry abou-"
The psychic tom was cut off by a new voice. It was deep and solemn,
"Coricopat, could I talk to you for a moment, please?"
The conversing toms looked to the side and saw Munk seeming to have appeared from nowhere. He looked quite rough and they could see he was rather embarrassed by the question. Misto puzzled at the protector's appearance but Coricopat smiled and took Munk to the side. A few of the Jellicles watched them as they walked away from them and saw them speaking very quietly. Cats may have excellent hearing but the toms spoke so discreetly none of them could make out what they were saying.
Coricopat waited for Munk to begin. He knew exactly what was going to happen, after all he was psychic. He patiently waited for Munk to find the words,
"Right…so..." began the silver tabby. He felt like a complete idiot for having given himself reason to apologise in the first place and he blushed as he tried to say what he wanted to say.
"Coricopat…I would like…I mean, I really want you to know…Well…"
'Why is this so hard?' he thought.
"You want me to know how sorry you are for hitting me?" chimed in Coricopat
Munk looked down and nodded gently before replying.
"Yes. I should have listened to you and Tantomile in the first place; you were right: it would have been better to talk about what was going on. I just couldn't manage it, you know? I was so cut up about everything that I just couldn't face dealing with it."
"But you can now?" asked Coricopat curiously
"Yes, I think so. Old Deuteronomy and I spoke and he made things a lot clearer for me."
"Well that's good. We were hoping you'd figure out that you weren't a murderer sooner or later"
"Well, yes. At least I feel I can talk to Alonzo about it all now. Above everything, though, I really want you to know I never meant to hit you. I'm really, really sorry"
"I accept" said Coricopat raising his paw. Munk did the same and they touched them lightly in silent understanding.
At that moment Bomba ran up to the two toms and grabbed Munk forcefully. She held on incredibly tight and Munk could see the queen was distraught.
"Bomba? What one earth is the matter?" asked Munk thinking something dreadful had happened.
"It's Alonzo!" she said through frantic tears, "I think he's going to hurt himself! I tried to talk to him but he left and now I don't know where he is or what he's doing! I'm sorry, Munk!"
"Bomba, what are you talking about?" asked Munk feeling that sense of urgency once again ignite inside him.
"He was talking but he sounded really far away. He was saying things that didn't seem to make any sense. I tried to talk to him but he ran"
"Such as what?"
"Such as it being a nice day to finish on and whether cats would miss him if he went missing again"
"Where did he go?"
"Out of the junkyard"
Munk's heart sank. Alonzo had certainly not been himself lately and this erratic behaviour gave him cause for alarm. Now his mate had left the junkyard and he could be anywhere, what's more if Bomba was right then who knew what he was capable of doing?
"Did he say where he was going?" asked Munk feeling frightened now
"No" squeaked Bomba as Demeter came over and comforted her flustered friend.
Munk didn't know what to do and spun around to ask Coricopat. He was met with the sight of the tom and his sister locked in intensive stares; they were having a vision and they spoke jaggedly as they saw into ether,
"Alonzo…Up high…Falling…"
Munk got close to the twins and listened intently to what else they said,
"Bad thoughts…bad thoughts…water…drowning…"
"Guys, what do you see?" asked Munk hoping they could hear him
"Water…water everywhere…darkness…"
The twins' heads flopped down as their vision ended and a few seconds later they bolted back up again looking very scared.
"Alonzo's in trouble" they said quickly
"What's wrong?" asked Munk trying his hardest to keep it together
"He's going somewhere. Somewhere high up, and he's falling."
"What do you mean?"
"No, wait! He's jumping! He's going to jump off of something high!"
Munk felt sick; could they really be saying this? They continued,
"He feels worthless, that's why he's going to do it. And there was water. He's going to jump off of something high into water"
"Oh, Alonzo…" said Munk looking towards the junkyard entrance and feeling atrocious again. How could his mate have been feeling this bad? How had he not prevented this? How had he not seen the signs of Alonzo deteriorating to this level of instability?
"Where is the something high?" asked Munk desperately
The psychics looked at him with the same intensity before simply saying,
"Tower Bridge"
Without waiting Munk took off towards the junkyard entrance. As he ran Old Deuteronomy caught him and tried to ask him what was going on. Munk shook him off and darted away. He simply couldn't allow Alonzo to hurt himself. He loved him far too much.
The tabby ran off into the night; he had never run so fast in his life.
Alonzo had made his way slowly through the dangerous streets of the city with a light head. He had walked with an empty expression as he played memories of himself and Munk and all the times they'd enjoyed together. Every now and then a smile would spread across his lips and he felt glad for the time he'd spent with his mate. However, on top of it all was the deep-rooted knowledge of his worthlessness and it was the prospect of ending his self-hatred and giving Munk his life back that spurred him to keep moving. Deep within himself he knew the previous cat that he had been was with it's dying breath telling him not to go through with his plan. That voice was weak now and drowned out by the compulsion to go ahead with his fatal solution. Night fell as he got ever closer to the silent, unfathomable waters of the river that flowed through the city and it wasn't long before the black and white tom was the water's edge. Up in the distance he could see the glorious splendour of Tower Bridge and the beautifully lit up structure seemed to beckon him mystically. He felt drawn to the bridge as if this night was always meant to be and without thinking he slowly began to walk towards it. Humans stopped and stared as they watched Alonzo walk by airily; it was very odd to see a cat stroll along a central London street as if he were a man. Some bent down and tried to give him affection but he walked straight past not seeing them. He was almost trance-like as he went on and didn't notice the hustle and bustle of the city around him.
The tom's sense of time had been gone for weeks and it was impossible to tell how long it had taken him to arrive at his final destination. He looked up at the bright, granite construction and marvelled as the moon shone down from high above it. He had always felt comforted when looking at the moon but not now. Now it was cold and frightening and seemed to stare down at him with as much hate as he had for himself. It seemed to tell him he was sickening to look at and that he was truly filthy. The bridge however seemed to offer him hope; a final lifeline – ironically speaking – to put things right again. It welcomed him with it's brilliant light and made him feel almost happy once more.
If any cat could have heard Alonzo's thoughts they would be able to see that he was not well and desperately needed help. The tom really needed someone to knock some sense into him but it was all too true that when it came to love: nothing is ever as straightforward as it ought to be. Alonzo's plan to provide a solution to his and Munk's plight was coming together very quickly now and it seemed that nothing could stop him. Very carefully the patched tom walked up to the stone wall and placed his paws on it. Unsheathing his claws he found gaps in the stone and began to pull himself up. He kept going using his sharp claws to scale the outside of the structure and stopped every few metres to catch his breath. He groaned and panted as the climb quickly wore him down and the weight of his body pulling downward on his claws made his paws ache brutally. As he went his claws scuffed and scratched the stone and left a trail where he had climbed. The sharp little blades were slowly ruined as he pulled himself upwards and were very quickly wearing out. He nearly fell many times as he lost his grip and slipped; when this happened he clung on for fiercely and reaffirmed his desperation to get to the top. It took a very long time but eventually the tom pulled himself all the way up to the roof of the tower he was climbing. He threw himself over the ledge and lay on the cold stone trying to catch his breath. Once again he noticed the moonlight blaring down at him and he could swear he heard it speak. It constantly told him how vile he was and that no cat could ever love him. He clutched his paws to his head and rolled around as a flurry of thoughts and emotions crowded his mind. In his head was a horrible mixture of hatred, self-loathing and sadness but also love and joy. He didn't know what to believe and he began to cry out in anger and confusion. He couldn't handle the pain anymore, his mind had given up on him just like he had given up on himself. He knew he would never again be the cat he once was, and why? All because Munkustrap, the only cat he truly loved and needed in the world didn't love him anymore. Choking sobs rushed out of him and soon he was bawling on top of the bridge. How could it be that as soon as he'd found happiness it had been ripped away from him? How could it be that the cat he had known since before he could remember had sworn to love him but now not be there? Alonzo could barely believe it; how could Munk have stopped loving him? It simply didn't seem possible but in his mind it was the unbreakable truth. His heart told him that Munk still loved him but his mind shouted and screamed that he didn't. Alonzo had been siding with his mind for a long time now and couldn't see himself as anything other than an ugly, mutilated wreck. This view of himself stabbed at him and he felt unbelievable pain inside. Through the tears he saw the ghost of Macavity appear and smile down fiercely at him in the moonlight. The evil cat had won and in a short while he would have effectively killed Alonzo from beyond the grave.
"You win" whispered Alonzo at the horrifying apparition of his captor and he lay his head down and closed his eyes as he shivered in the cold night air.
"I should have taken care of you before that bastard mate of yours killed me. You were mine to do what I liked with" said the spectre of the evil cat
"You win" repeated Alonzo wishing his captor would disappear, "Please go away"
"I'll never go away, Alonzo. You belong to me and that means I'll always control you"
"But you've won! Just leave me now" begged Alonzo with closed eyes
The ghost of Macavity that Alonzo's strained mind had conjured up began to shriek with evil laughter and the horrible sound seemed to echo around the city. It tormented Alonzo and he began to cry fearfully. Back in reality he kept whispering between sobs,
"You win."
He did his best to block out the vision of the red and black tom and concentrate on his plan.
It wouldn't be long now.
Munk sprinted past stomping humans and the loud noises of the city. He dodged black cabs and red busses as he flew through the streets towards where Coricopat and Tantomile had seen in their vision. He simply couldn't believe what they'd said, it wasn't clear but it seemed Alonzo had decided upon a horrible fate for himself. Munk tried not to think about it and just kept running. He prayed he wasn't too late and worked himself into a frenzy as he went. What would he do without Alonzo? Sure, their relationship had been rocky since they had been kidnapped but surely it wasn't something they could work through. Especially now since Munk had come to a new realisation that Alonzo can't have hated him. Munk loved Alonzo and he felt like an idiot for thinking he didn't love him back. But now, would he ever get a chance to tell his mate just how much love he had for him? What if it was left like this and Alonzo died not knowing how much he meant to the tabby?
Munk hit himself for thinking such awful thoughts and did his best to refocus on getting to Tower Bridge in time. He knew he was close but every second counted. After winding through several more streets and jumping around big groups of humans he saw the huge, looming bridge presented in front of him. He had horrible thoughts of seeing Alonzo plummet just as he got there and shook his head to try and think clearly. As he got close he scanned the structure intensively as he tried to pick out the distinctive form of his mate. He couldn't see anything from this side so he began to run along the length of the bridge to get a different view. He felt himself become more and more scared when he didn't see Alonzo from this side either and ran back into the centre. He threw his head from side to side hoping he would spot the black and white tom and stop him before it was too late. He began to scream the tom's name hoping he might hear him but it was no use. He couldn't see him. Munk began to feel numb as the thought that Alonzo had already jumped began to creep in. He staggered backwards and came to rest against the wall at the side of the pavement. He grew dizzy as time went on and found his head rolling around. As the world spun he managed to look up at the striking white moon that shone back at him. The light filtered through the holes in the structure above him and it seemed to sparkle as he watched. A sick feeling started to make itself apparent and his mind started to clear up as he concentrated on the impending need to vomit. As his vision stilled he was about to turn away before he noticed something. There, high up on the upper part of the bridge was a white lump. As Munk stared at it the lump appeared to have black patches and also had a shape. The form became familiar as he started to notice it was a cat and soon his heart leapt when he made out the figure of his beautiful mate.
"Alonzo!" he shouted up with terror. The tom was standing right at the edge of the upper walkway and was looking down at the water below. Munk looked around and simply couldn't think of a quick way to get up to him. He became desperate and started to pace frantically as he thought. He spoke aloud in his craze,
"Think, Munk! Thin, think, think!" He groaned when he came up with nothing and flipped his head up to look around again. He fixated on something as he looked towards the end of the bridge and in a split-second took off running. Just before he got to the end of the bridge he jumped up onto the railing and then onto the huge suspension rods which reached all the way up to the top. As quick as a flash he raced up along the suspender and was only slowed down as the gradient got too steep. In a fit of desperation he sunk his claws into the suspender and dragged his body up the rest of the way. When he reached the top of the tower he pulled himself over the ledge and panted for a few seconds as he looked for his mate. He clasped his paw to his mouth as he saw his mate standing right in the middle of the walkway looking incredibly uneasy. He didn't waste another moment and began running towards the tom to save him from himself. As he got closer he felt both feelings of happiness and fear get stronger and stronger within him. He begged that he wouldn't be a second too late.
Alonzo stared fearfully at the flowing, dark waters down below. He hadn't thought he'd be so frightened when he got right to the brink and was almost at the point of reconsidering. With a deep breath he reassured himself that this was the only way and set about preparing himself for his final leap. He closed his eyes and shut out the sounds of the city; he wanted his final thoughts to be of Munk and how much he loved him. In a few moments he decided he would simply step out into the air and allow himself to fall to his end. He hoped it wouldn't be too painful when he hit the water and that it wouldn't take too long for the darkness to take him. He really, really hoped. He smiled and began to sob as he thought about Munk and the warmth they once shared. He only had a memory of that comfort now and it's absence made him feel like his heart had been sliced in two. His body began to shake from fear and he heard the frantic beating of his heart. The fast throbbing in his ears became all he could hear and he knew it was time to take the final step.
Alonzo struggled to find the courage as he very slowly contracted the muscles in his right leg. He shook uncontrollably and tears streamed down his face as he began to lean forward towards the freezing abyss. His heart's throbbing was deafening as it pounded in his head but strangely enough there was another beating mixing with it. It wasn't his heart but it was just as quick. This sound, however, was like heavy footfalls and above all it didn't come from within him. Filled with fear he brought his leg back from the empty air and reluctantly cracked his eyes open. He looked towards the direction of the thumping and opened his eyes completely when he saw his silver tabby running towards him. He simply didn't know how to feel. Should he run to him? Should he jump before Munk reached him? Should he run away? A thousand questions filled the patched tom's mind and he quickly settled on one idea before Munk got too close. He shouted at him,
"Stay back!" He did his best to sound fearsome but it came out as very constricted and showing deep, unrelenting fear.
Munk stopped still with a look on disbelief on his face. He stared at Alonzo with an intensity the cat had never seen before and it almost scared him how strong the look of horror on Munk's face was. There was a long, frightening silence between them before the tabby finally spoke with his voice cracking,
"Alonzo, you can't!"
The patched tom stared back and sobbed more,
"I have to"
"No you don't! You don't, Alonzo! Please, come away!"
"You don't understand, Munk. I have to do this, it's the only way you can be happy again"
Munk stood dumfounded; how on earth had Alonzo come to that conclusion?
"You can't be serious! How could I ever be happy without you?" the tabby spluttered
"I know you don't love me anymore! Just look at me! How could you?" screamed the black and white tom with an incredible look of pain on his face. Munk dropped to his knees in disbelief; what was Alonzo saying?
"How can you say that? Alonzo, I adore you! You're my very reason for living! You're the only cat I wake up for in the morning and without you the world is empty! Do you hear me? I live for you, Alonzo! You're my world!"
"Don't lie!" begged Alonzo, "I've seen how I look. I'm hideous! How could you ever want me now? Macavity won, Munk! He did kill me in that prison because he took you from me!" The patched tom let out a yelp as he heard the echo of Macavity's laughter again.
"You're wrong!" pleaded Munk, "You're so wrong! He didn't win because I killed him. I killed him to take you back from him. I'm still here, I'd never leave you, 'Lonz!"
Alonzo sniffed hard through the tears, "You've been spending so much time away from me since we got back; I know it's because you can't bear to look at me!"
"No! Never! You're beautiful! How can you not see that?"
"Look at me!" screamed Alonzo making humans down below look up to where the sound had come from. "I'm horrific! Once I looked good but now I'm just vile! It's makes me sick to look at what Macavity left me with and I can't believe that anyone could love me like this!"
"I love you, Alonzo! I love you so damn much! How can you not see? You're everything to me and I can't live without you!"
"But you've been gone so much. I can't believe you."
"'Lonz. I've been gone because I thought you didn't love me anymore. I've been hiding away so the tribe wouldn't see me break down from the pain. I couldn't bear the thought of you not loving me anymore and every moment I was near you made me feel so guilty for forcing you to stay with me"
Alonzo was awestruck. Was what Munk was saying true? The next thing he said came out just above a whisper,
"How could you think I didn't love you?"
"Because I killed Macavity. I didn't think you'd love a murderer"
Alonzo clapped his paw to his mouth; could it really be true?
"I'll always love you, Munk. How can you not know that?"
"How can you not know that I'll always love you?"
The two toms stared at each other both of them paralyzed. This was a lot to take in and their minds were reeling from the shock of it all. It was Munk who eventually spoke first,
"I adore you, Alonzo. I'll love you forever. I never, ever want us to be apart."
"I love you too, Munkustrap. I was so scared that you didn't but it's so wonderful to hear you say you do"
"I swear I do!" said Munk fiercely, "You have my heart!"
"Oh, Munk. I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you so much!" said Alonzo amazedly. He couldn't stop saying the words and only ceased when he ran out of breath. Munk shook with every gasp he took, he was so frightened that his mate was still standing so close to death. With a strained voice he begged his tom,
"Please come away from there"
Alonzo looked over the edge and gasped; he'd forgotten where he was. He began to shake even more and feel dizzy as adrenaline flooded his body.
"Help me, Munk. I can't move" the patched tom whispered in fear. Munk darted forward and grabbed onto his mate tightly. Alonzo felt cold and was shaking like a leaf. The silver tabby could practically smell the terror pouring from him. He gently began to lead Alonzo away who staggered as he tried to walk. A bright flash of hope filled Munk as he held his fragile mate in his arms. The feeling of having his one and only safely back was utterly indescribable and it was perhaps the greatest feeling he had ever had in his life.
Alonzo's shaking began to subside a little and his breathing began to return to normal as he was led away. Just then, from the bustling world below a shrill whistle came and the traffic stopped at the sides of the bridge. The high-pitched scream made Alonzo flinch wildly and the tom slipped on the damp walkway he staggered on. The noise made Munk – just for a moment – release his grip and it was precisely at that moment that Alonzo fell from his grasp. He flung his paws around to try and catch his mate but it was too late. Alonzo landed on the very edge of the walkway, his legs collapsed beneath him and before he knew what had happened he bounced over the edge. Just before he disappeared from Munk's horrified vision the two tom's eyes met and the silver tabby saw the most heartbreaking, scared look he had ever seen in his life in his mate's eyes. Alonzo plummeted into the black waters that quickly flowed beneath the bridge and the last thing Munk saw as he desperately peered over the edge was his mate disappear under the surface of the freezing river.
Without hesitating Munk hurled himself off of the bridge and into the dark, icy domain that had consumed his Alonzo. Painfully slow seconds went by with neither of them resurfacing and the bridge opening up above them.
Oh my goodness! Munk and Alonzo disappeared into the Thames! What if they don't came back up?
Thank you so much for reading, your reviews are absolutely wonderful. They really give me the drive to write.
Check back soon for the next chapter.