Author Note: I'm so sorry about the major delay on updating this, it's just that I was insanely busy. I feel really bad about it though, so it's an extra long chapter. Also, please review! It only takes a few seconds but it actually makes me want to update more and more. So, reviews= longer, more frequent updates. It's a win win situation:) Also, read this in the 1/2 format, in dark. You can change it quickly and easily at the top right hand corner of the story.
Song Inspiration For This Chapter:
It's Not Over – Secondhand Serenade
My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over
Chapter 4
As Adrian and I walked through the doors, the crowd fell silent. All eyes were on us, and I felt uncomfortable, my sudden attempt to act like myself again was forgotten. The old Rose would have been happy about all the attention, but I'd changed. All anyone saw when they looked at me was what I had become, the broken, dead inside Rose. I didn't want to draw attention to that. I also knew it hurt Lissa to see just how badly I was affected. We used to be so close, but after what happened...well, we just grew apart. We're still friends, but we don't sit there and gossip and laugh and joke like we used to. We don't share every detail about our lives, and we don't know each other as well as we used to.
Lissa still has no idea just how bad things are with me. She doesn't know how I sometimes leave Court and wander alone through the towns, just walking aimlessly in the dark. She has no idea how many times I've come this close to throwing myself off the cliffs that edge the local town. She has no idea that every night I wake up screaming from the same nightmare. Over and over and over. At first, I thought it was just a reaction to everything I had been through, but then it didn't go away. It just got worse. I can never escape it and it destroys me. But I never tell anyone. I get up, do my job, and pretend that I'm just fine. That nothing in the world is wrong. To an uninformed stranger, all they would see if a stoic guardian. To my friends, they see the truth. Or at least as much of the truth as they can handle, because the depths of my depression go so much deeper than anyone ever guessed.
Which is why tonight, just for one night, I wanted to pretend. To pretend that I was fine, maybe even to be a tiny, little bit happy. That bubble of happiness would die as soon as reality came back, but just for one night I wanted to be Rose again. I had accepted Adrian's offer, dressed up, and come here all in the hopes that maybe if I acted like my old self again, I would start to feel like it. I was a long way off from even starting to get better, but I did want to. I wasn't climbing out of the hole I had dug myself yet, but I was starting to plan how I would.
But all that went away when we were inside. There were too many people, too many whispers, too many eyes following us. I couldn't let my shield down. So as we walked towards Lissa I kept my eyes averted. I wasn't exactly trying to hide, but I wasn't exactly standing tall either. I kicked myself for even coming tonight. What was I thinking? This was the stupidest thing I had done in a long time.
Lissa wasn't shocked to see me with Adrian, which confirmed my suspicions: she had asked him to come. I didn't think she was trying to set me up with him or anything, (although she didn't know about Dimitri, I think she figured it was Mason's death stopping me from dating again)I think it was more she wanted to try and see if he could get me to act human.
I greeted our group with a nod, and it was with surprise that I noticed Eddie's arm around Mia's waist. I hadn't realised quite how much I'd missed. During the past few months (Three? Four? Five?) I hadn't really paid attention. Nobody spoke to me (apart from Lissa) and I had become withdrawn from life and all the things that were going on in it, merely guarding Lissa, and in my spare time training. I liked doing that. Every dark thought or memory could just be punched out. I trained until I dropped. Literally. Apart from that, I didn't really do anything. I had stopped going out, and didn't really talk to anyone. I couldn't really get any sadder.
After everything that happened, I just felt broken. So full of anger and depression. It's what I felt like now, and to be honest I didn't think it would ever go away. I could guess what my aura looked like now; black, black and more black.
I looked up at everyone and saw that Lissa was looking at me with so much pain and sorrow in her eyes that I realised I hadn't been fooling anyone, especially not her. She may not be able to use the bond to feel my emotions, but she knew me well enough to work them out herself. I needed to be strong for her, it was my job, but I hadn't been. Not really. And I knew this meant alot to her and god knows its time I started acting like a normal human.
I listened to what our group were saying for a minute. Eddie was busy telling everyone about a new decree about guardians. I didn't know what the decree was actually about, but he seemed pretty frustrated over it.
'...because their too goddamn scared to accept the fact that the system isn't working! Bringing in more guardians isn't going to help, it's just going to give them a few more days. Then the Strigoi will kill them anyway!'
'Ahhh, but that's the Moroi's whole outlook on life Eddie. Others die so they can carry on for just a little bit longer with petty power games.' Adrian intercepted darkly.
'Well it's not right!' There was the Lissa I knew. She was visibly upset over the new decree, whatever it was. It was only Christian that was stopping her from shouting.
'I know cousin, but what can we do?' Adrian still seemed resigned. Lissa just seemed to frown even more at that.
'Whatever their reasons, it's a stupid idea. Lowering the age limit to 16 is just going-'
'Wait what? They can't lower the age limit to 16, they'll be slaughtered!' Everybody looked around at me, completely stunned. I could see why of course. I pretty much hadn't spoken to any of them in the past few months. I could see that Lissa desperately wanted to say something to me but wouldn't in case I stopped talking again. Christian's eyebrows were raised, Eddie was open-mouthed and Lissa was just shocked. But in a good way. Adrian was smiling as he answered me.
'Yes Rose, but everyone is scared that the Strigoi are getting stronger. And scared Moroi do stupid, desperate things.' He was right of course, but I couldn't let it go.
'So it's ok with you that 16 year olds are going to become basically human shield for Moroi?' I demanded. I was pissed now. It didn't seem to bother Adrian though. In fact, he seemed to be alot happier.
'No its not. But what can we do about it? I don't really think it would help if you went to speak to Tatiana , do you?' He raised one eyebrow. I wanted to hit him. Smug bastard.
'No, but there must be something...I'm not letting them murder 16 year olds. You can bet your ass I'm going to do something..' I muttered.
Suddenly Mia appeared carrying a tray with 5 drinks on it. She was dressed in a long dark blue gown with and was smiling at Eddie until she suddenly noticed I was talking. Then her face transformed into a mask of shock.
'Rose!' I winced. Mia was pretty loud when she wanted to be.
'Yeah, hey.' I didn't really know what to say. Everybody was looking surprised still, apart from Adrian who was still smiling.
She thrust the tray into Eddie's hands before running up to hug me.
'Whoa, hey,' Damn she was strong. I thought she was going to break one of my ribs, but thankfully she let go.
'Sorry,' she said smiling; 'it's just...' she trailed off looking sad. I knew what she meant though; I hadn't really been myself since Mason died. Understatement of the century.
'I know,' I replied before smiling at her. She smiled back, clearly happy again. She turned back round to a slightly bemused Eddie to take the tray back. He smiled at her again I realised exactly how much I'd missed.
'Shit!' Mia looked annoyed.
'What?' I asked, pretty confused considering a minute ago she was fine.
'I only got 5 drinks. Sorry Rose, I just didn't...' Again, I knew what she was saying without her having to spell it out for me. She hadn't counted on me suddenly becoming normal again.
'Hey, look its fine. I can get my own drink. No really,' I said before she could say anything else. I made my way over to the drinks table before her frown became permanent.
'Hmmm...looks like the Moroi still know how to party...' I couldn't help but whisper to myself. The table was pretty decked out. I didn't think I could name half the cocktails on display, and I wasn't exactly a cocktail virgin. They were all so...glitzy and dazzling that I couldn't help myself. I picked up a bright blue one and downed it in one. It tasted like blueberries and raspberry. And lots and lots of vodka. I loved it. Then I saw a translucent, shimmery one with a silver tint. It had edible (I hoped) silver stars floating around in it. I took a sip and could barely stop myself from taking another. It tasted like strawberries and other various amazing flavours. After a few seconds more I caved, downing the rest of it pretty fast.
3 more of the mysterious silver cocktails and I was feeling fairly buzzed. I was going to reach for another (hey, why not?) when a small glass of what looked like liquid gold caught my eye. I was about to pick it up when a voice I knew far too well said 'No, I'm sure they wouldn't. Maybe its just a rumour?' His Russian accent was still strong, and his voice was like liquid honey. But he wasn't speaking in the happy tones I loved so well, no he was using his I'm-so-not-happy voice. I could actually hear the frown in his words.
'No, I'm pretty sure it's true. Of course there is no solid evidence yet, but I honestly believe him this time. I really think they have lowered the age decree. ' I had no idea who the second speaker was, but I would know the first anywhere. It was Dimitri.
'Shit,' I muttered. Then I froze. If I could hear them, you could bet your ass they could hear me. I grabbed my drink and moved as quickly as I could through the crowds. I moved I the opposite direction to him, hoping he wouldn't see me. I reached the door to the hallway a few seconds later and affirmed it was clear with a quick glance.
I leaned back on the wall, closing my eyes to try and asses my emotions. Why the fuck did he have to come back now? When I was just starting to get better? Why couldn't he have left me alone?
I spun and smashed the glass on the wall as hard as I could. It made a satisfyingly loud noise as it shattered, and I watched the golden liquid running down the wall and over my fingers.
'What did that glass ever do to you?' He sighed. I clenched my fingers into a fist and closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against the wall.
'Well Comrade. You know me, Rose Hathaway, crazy extraordinaire.' I tried to go for a breezy tone, but I think I failed.
'No Rose, you're not crazy. You can be violent, but never crazy. And it's always with good reason. So why did you just pulverise your drink?' My heart seemed to tighten until it was almost too painful to breathe.
'The age decree. I only just found out.' I couldn't exactly tell him I was breaking shit because he'd come back. No, that wasn't right. He hadn't come back. He had just...visited.
I could hear the surprise in his voice as he responded to my less then eloquent answer.
'You only just found out? But you live at Court; surely you should have been one of the first to know.' Shit, I'd slipped up. If I'd been the old Rose, I would have known the moment Tatiana even spoke about it.
'Yeah well, I've been busy. Busy, busy, busy, yeah that's me.' I was still trying for breezy. Failing, but still trying.
'Rose.' He was speaking in his serious, yet soft voice.
'Look at me.' I had no choice but to look at him. I turned around, my eyes guarded and my face set in the stoic mask he was so good at. When I met his eyes though, I almost lost it. I could see all of his emotions in his eyes, I always could. I always knew what he was feeling, the same way he knew me. But he'd given us up. I wouldn't give in. Wouldn't let him see what I had become. So I smiled coldly before raising my eyebrows. Unlike Adrian, I couldn't do the one eyebrow thing. Even though it looked cooler.
'Yes?' I responded. I was still going for breezy, but with a hint of ice in my tone now. He seemed to sigh before replying.
'Your hand.' What? I looked down at my hand and was surprised to see it was bleeding. Alot. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, considering I'd just smashed a glass against the wall, and broken glass was wicked sharp.
'It's bleeding.' His voice sounded alot closer to me than expected and I glanced up sharply. He was right in front of me now and there was barely a few inches between us.
He reached for it and examined it between his surprisingly gentle fingers.
'It needs to be bandaged up, you've cut it pretty deeply.' He was looking at me now, not my hand. And I could see a million emotions warring in his golden brown eyes, but I couldn't determine a single one. I felt myself soften for a spit second before I wrenched my hand away.
'I can see. I can bandage it up myself. I am a guardian now.' My voice had lost any breeziness it had. It was ice cold now. He looked terribly sad for a moment, and I felt pettily victorious. He'd hurt me so much that it was good to know I could hurt him too. I almost laughed at how bitter I sounded, but it was true.
'Of course, Guardian Hathaway.' He wasn't mocking me, he seemed genuinely sad.
Good, I thought viciously.
'If that's all, I better get back. Lissa's alone.' It was such an obvious lie, and all he had to do was see her to know it wasn't true, but I didn't care. In that moment I wanted to hurt him as much as I could.
He merely inclined his head before I left, seeing as I did that his face was emotionless once more.
Author Note: As you can see, that chapter was extra long. In fact, that was the longest chapter I have EVER written. I think I deserve some reviews for that don't I? *makes puppy dog eyes*
Also, check out my other VA fanfics, Vampire Academy: Final Choice and Fires Wash Away Fears.
-Gigi