This is gonna be a slightly fluffy one. Not a load of drama but it has to be here for progression.
Munk tries to help Alonzo with his depression
A year in the life of the black and white toms
Chapter 15
Reaching
For the first time in what seemed like forever Munk watched Alonzo sleeping soundly. He had awoken at around midday and had stayed in his position watching his mate silently. When Alonzo was sleeping it looked as if he'd never been gone; he was so sound and calm and Munk longed for him to be alright again. At least they'd made a huge leap in the right direction the previous night on top of Tower Bridge – figuratively speaking of course. Munk played the memory of the incident through in his mind and grimaced as he remembered the sheer terror his mate had displayed. The silver tabby took a deep breath and reassured himself that as soon as Alonzo woke up there would begin with a clean slate. He promised himself he would work as hard as he could to put everything back to normal as he looked upon Alonzo's sleeping face. He really was a beautiful cat, how could he ever have thought otherwise? What's more how could he ever have thought Munk would stop loving him because of his scars?
Munk's questions kept going further and further down the wrong road and he might have worked himself into a mess had Alonzo not soon woken up. The tabby was distracted from his musing when he saw Alonzo's eyes flicker open and he smiled down at his tom. Alonzo looked into Munk's eyes and felt happy to wake up and see his mate without feeling ashamed right away. He remembered this feeling from months ago when they'd first gotten together and recalled how amazing it had made him feel. He knew he was still a long way off but he felt he had made progress then and there as he basked in the feeling of being loved by another come what may. With a smile he closed his eyes and snuggled up to Munk who snaked his arms further around him as he got closer. It was as if Alonzo was rediscovering the emotions that were involved by being so close to his mate as he lay there. He secretly marvelled at the different feelings that sprung up whenever he moved a certain way or looked at Munk from a certain angle. It felt nice, really nice.
But then, as if on cue, the nasty, nagging feeling of being undeserving of Munk tried to take hold of him. Screwing his eyes shut Alonzo fought with all his strength to keep the thoughts at bay yet some of them managed to slip through. As if someone had pulled off a sheet covering his body he suddenly felt ugly and wanted Munk to let him go. He began to wriggle and the blissful tabby released him while wondering what was going on. Alonzo turned over and propped himself up so he was sitting on the side of the bed. He sat hunched over with his face in his paws and Munk timidly crept up to try and find out what had happened. In some ways he had expected Alonzo to become like this sooner or later. Depression doesn't disappear just like that.
"Alonzo? Honey?" asked Munk quietly
The patched tom tilted his head around to look at his mate; he was doing his best to work through the bad feelings.
"Yeah?" replied Alonzo
"Is everything alright?"
"I don't know"
Munk scooted over and sat next to him, "Do you think you could explain it?"
"I'm not sure. I don't really know how I feel"
"I see. How do you want to feel?"
Alonzo thought for a moment, "Like I did before…you know?"
"When we first got together?"
"Yes"
"And how did that feel?"
Alonzo closed his eyes and smiled softly, "Really great"
"Describe it to me"
Alonzo blushed a little and shied away, "It's embarrassing"
"Come on, kitten, how did it feel?"
"Just…you know…good"
"Good how?"
"I don't know…it felt right. You and I were such good friends so it felt like something finally clicking into place"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. It wasn't like having a one-nighter with any old tom, it was like we fitted together. Plus it was fun like having a really great day with your best friend but all the time"
"I know exactly what you mean"
"But now everything's messed up. It's like we don't fit"
"Why don't we fit, darling?"
"It's not you, it's me. It's like Macavity bent me out of shape and now I'm so damaged that we don't go together anymore"
Munk took in a deep breath; he knew this was going to be hard but he hadn't quite prepared himself for it.
"Why would you feel damaged, 'Lonz?"
"Because of what he did. I don't know what it was but he took something from me. That and it's like he left his mark to show that I'm…well…garbage"
Munk put his arm around his tom, "You could never be garbage, darling. You'll always be my beautiful Alonzo and no one could change that no matter how hard they tried. As for taking something from you, well, maybe he just hid it. You were such a strong, confident cat before I can't believe he could ever take anything away that you couldn't find again"
Alonzo was silent, he didn't know what to believe. Munk carried on,
"'Lonz, I know you can work past this. There's nothing stopping you from being yourself again"
"But there is" the patched tom whispered, "I don't feel the same"
"You are, 'Lonz. You're still you. You know why? Because I can see it. You're still right here but you just don't realise it"
"I don't know…" said Alonzo trailing off
"Trust me" said Munk kissing him on the side of his head, "You'll see it soon"
Alonzo took his mate's paw and held it tightly, he hoped there was hope for him like Munk said.
"Come on" said Munk getting up and extending a paw for Alonzo. He took it and together they went to leave the den.
Outside the air was warmer than it had been recently and the sun shone brightly. It made Munk squint for a moment as he adjusted to it's brilliance and he took in a deep breath of fresh air. It felt much nicer today. Munk scanned the junkyard quickly and took in what was going on. He saw the kittens jumping about as always and making a huge racket. The tabby smiled as he watched them run around and fall over each other.
"Oh to be that young again, huh 'Lonz?"
There was no reply and Munk turned around to find his mate wasn't there. Munk rolled his eyes and stepped back towards the den to peer inside. He saw Alonzo looking out from the safety of inside and looking a little nervous.
"'Lonz? Honey, are you alright?"
"I don't know if I can come out" said Alonzo timidly
"Why not?"
"Because everyone's out there. What if they see me?"
"They've already seen you, dear, there's no need to worry"
"But what if they think…you know"
"What?"
"The scars…"
"They won't care. I promise they won't"
Alonzo bit his lip and fought against the voice in his head telling him to stay inside. He slowly walked forward and took Munk's paw when he offered it to him.
"Just for a little while?" the patched tom asked
"Okay, for as long as you can manage"
Alonzo took in a deep breath and stepped out into the bright afternoon. He squinted in the light just like his mate had and looked around. Where as Munk had seen a lot of life Alonzo saw something close to danger and he didn't quite feel safe out there. He hung on to Munk and slowly began to walk with him across the junkyard. As they went some of the other Jellicles seemed to appear and Alonzo felt like they were all staring. In all fairness he was right as this was the first time many of them had seen his scars in proper light and they found them quite shocking. They hadn't yet been told what had caused them and their curiosity only added to their blatant gawking. Alonzo felt their eyes roam over his body and the feeling of scrutiny and judgement picked away at him. His body became stiff and his movements rigid as he went with Munk up to the big tyre and sat down. He didn't let go of his mate as they sat together and from this position he could see everyone looking at them – or more precisely him. The patched tom tried to avert his eyes from theirs but every now and then he would catch a look of curiosity mixed with deep sympathy. Unfortunately in his fragile state some of it looked like anger and judgement and he began to feel uncomfortable. He turned his face to Munk and scooted as close to him as possible.
"They're all looking at me" he whispered discreetly
Munk looked around and cast everyone a look as if to say 'mind your manners, Jellicles' before replying.
"Don't worry. This is the hardest step, things will be easier once they get used to it"
Alonzo didn't feel entirely calmed by his mate's statement but he did his best to tough it out. The two watched the junkyard together for a few more minutes before a few of the cats began to approach the tyre. They walked up anxiously and looked as if they might run away at any second and Alonzo wasn't put at ease by any means by their actions. They looked as if they had never seen him before and were being wary of approaching him. At that moment they didn't feel like the cats he had known for so long, they felt like strangers who were unpredictable and potentially dangerous. Gradually the cats got closer and closer all the while fixated on him. In reality they were timid to go to quickly as they didn't want to frighten him off but Alonzo didn't see it that way. The approaching felines came to the bottom of the tyre and gathered there looking up at him and it was Victoria who first stepped forward with her paw outstretched. Alonzo should have understood the gesture but he took it the wrong way. He didn't want anyone but Munk to touch him and he became more and more nervous as the white queen reached for him. Inch by inch her paw became closer and he began to feel adrenaline rushing around his body. A small smile crept across the young queen's lips as she was about to touch him but Alonzo couldn't handle the situation anymore. He jumped back and stood up on the tyre looking quite fearful. Victoria backed away instantly and looked at him with worry. Had she done something wrong? Alonzo stooped low and looked around at all of them with frightened eyes. Munk looked at him with concern and tried to reach out to him,
"'Lonz, what's wrong?"
The patched tom looked at him and spoke quickly,
"I'm sorry, I can't"
With that Alonzo ran forward and jumped over the gathered cats. He belted across the clearing and jumped into his den without looking back. Munk sighed and got up to follow him and descended the junk carefully to make his way across. Before he left Victoria pawed at him and he turned to look at her.
"Did I do something wrong?" she asked nervously
"No. He's still quite fragile from what happened."
"What did happen, Munk?" asked Misto who stood behind his sister
Munk looked at him and then at all of their curious faces. He thought for a moment and then replied,
"I'll tell you all soon, just not yet"
He walked across the clearing and followed his mate into their den. He found Alonzo sitting on the bed with his knees brought up to his chest. He had his face buried and he didn't move much. Munk gently approached him and stroked his head softly when he was close enough.
"It's okay" he said lightly, "as I said the first step's the hardest"
Alonzo looked up at him and Munk could see he had tears in his eyes.
"They don't like me, Munk. Did you see how they stared?"
The tabby sat down next to his mate and pulled him close,
"They just want to know why you have the scars, 'Lonz. They definitely like you, they're just curious"
"Did you tell them?"
"No. I thought I'd ask you first"
"I don't want them to know what he did. I don't want anyone to know"
"I think it might be good if they did know. Not that he…violated you but how he…attacked you…" said Munk steadily. He didn't really know of a nice way to say raped and tortured.
"Why do they have to know?"
"I can't really think of another explanation. Look, we won't tell them everything by which I mean the…you know…the…"
"Rape" said Alonzo bluntly; the word left a bitter taste on his tongue. Munk took in a sharp breath at the word and continued as best he could,
"Yes, that. But I think we should tell him what else he did so they know just how dangerous and crazy he really was"
"I don't want them to know the details"
"They don't have to, just the basics"
Alonzo leant into Munk and took in his scent. It always made him feel better.
"Okay. But will you do it for me?"
The tabby looked at him and thought about the request.
"You don't want to tell them?"
"I can't. I just don't think I could manage it without falling to pieces"
"Okay. Don't worry, I'll be sensitive"
"Thank you" said Alonzo looking up at his mate. He felt the compulsion to kiss his tom and moved close to his face to do it. However, when he got close enough to lean in he stopped. He turned his head as he closed his eyes from feeling ashamed.
"Sorry…" he whispered.
Munk sighed and assured him it was alright. They hadn't kissed in a while and he missed the feeling but he wouldn't rush his tom. He didn't want to make him feel any more fragile than he already was.
"Do you want to try again?" the tabby asked the patched.
"In a while, maybe."
"Okay. Do you want me to stay?"
"No, it's alright. I'll be fine."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. I'll be right outside if you need me"
Alonzo nodded and watched his mate leave. He uncurled himself and lay down on the bed. As he stared at the ceiling he thought: 'What a mess I am.'
Munk returned to the big tyre where the Jellicles were still waiting and hoping for some news. They were quiet as Munk came back and resumed his position of surveillance. There was silence for a while before Victoria spoke up,
"Is he okay?" she asked
"He'll be fine. It was just a bit much to take in for now"
The white queen nodded and looked down still feeling a bit guilty.
Munk looked around at all of the cats who looked back at him. He knew what they were after and also knew he would have to tell them sooner or later – it may as well be now.
"I suppose you all want to know what happened to him?" said the tabby without any emotion whatsoever. The cats perked up and gazed intently. He saw many of their ears flicker and turn towards him as he said the words.
"I'll tell you but I need you all to promise a few things first"
The Jellicles nodded
"Okay then. First, I don't want to hear any of you speaking about it where Alonzo might hear you; second, I don't want any of you to talk to Alonzo about it; third, I want you to treat him like you normally would, I don't want anyone looking at him differently or acting strangely around him and what's more I don't want to see any of you avoiding him. Is all that clear?"
He heard a few replies of 'yes' and looked around to see them all in agreement.
"Good. Now, what you all have to understand is that what happened to Alonzo was horrible. I really don't want to describe the magnitude of what went on so I won't but I will give you an overview. You might remember at the last Jellicle Ball when Macavity broke in to the junkyard and Alonzo and I fought with him. Well, you may also remember that I managed to take off one of his ears in the process. Macavity held a grudge for a long time and decided to kidnap Alonzo and imprison him so just before Alonzo went missing he snuck into the junkyard and took him away. He took him back to his lair and chained him up so he could barely move and kept him there for the entire time he was gone. While he was restrained Macavity did some awful things to him. Amongst other things he beat him and clawed at him and now that you've all seen the scars you can understand just how badly he was abused. By the time I finally got to him he was so bloodied and…mangled…that I could barely handle the sight. I hope now you can understand why Alonzo has been so scared to be seen by all of you and why he has been so depressed. He feels damaged and that none of you will be able to see past the scars anymore. I've tried to reassure him that you don't feel any differently about him but he's having trouble working through the grief. I just ask that you will all be understanding as he comes to terms with his appearance."
Munk saw the cats nod again.
"Anyway, it doesn't stop there. Macavity had intended to kill him in front of me and then kill me too but I managed to break free and k-"
Munk stopped. He hadn't been thinking about himself at all and suddenly realised he was about to tell the tribe he had killed a cat. He looked around at their shocked faces and wondered whether or not to tell them.
"And…what?" said Misto timidly
Munk looked at him as his words caught in his throat. He tried to look away but caught Bomba's eyes. He looked at her and saw she was looking straight back at him but not with the same expression as everyone else. She had an understanding look and gave him a single nod as if to say 'it's okay'. Did she know? Had somebody told her? Who could have told her? Munk thought for a moment and then wondered if perhaps Alonzo had told her himself. After all they did speak from time to time.
He took a deep breath and readopted his authoritative expression, "He was going to kill both of us but I broke free and…killed him instead"
The Jellicles' eyes widened and they all stared at him in amazement. Had their leader had actually said he had killed someone?
Munk looked around to see all of their horrified faces and tried ever so hard to remain solid. He felt very unnerved by their reaction though and found it hard to continue,
"I know how that must sound but I love Alonzo more than anything and I wasn't going to let Macavity take him any further away from me. That cat had stolen my mate and was about to keep him from me forever; I had to stop him. If any of you know what real love is then you know you'd do anything to protect the cat you care most for"
Silence surrounded them all for a while and Munk felt as if he'd just made a huge mistake. He braced himself for their reaction before somebody spoke. Surprisingly it was Skimble that rose and stood before them all. He cleared his throat and in a wise voice began to speak,
"Munk is right. If anyone ever stole Jenny I know I'd stop at nothing to get her back, even if that meant killing. I understand why Munk did what he did and I hope you all can see why I don't judge him and why neither should any of you"
It was a lot of information to take in for many of them but slowly they seemed to come around. Munk saw several of them look at him with understanding and others nodded for the same reason. Skimble turned and looked at the protector and extended his paw. Munk took it briefly and smiled at the ginger tabby in thanks for his interjection. Once Skimble stepped back he addressed everyone again,
"I understand how some of you must feel. I've been struggling with this myself and I questioned my own authority to be your protector. I had to kill Macavity to protect Alonzo who is one of our own and I hope you can see how it was the only way. I vowed to protect you all many years ago and that is what I intend to do for the rest of my life. I really hope you can see that."
Once again silence surrounded them as the cats mulled over his words. They exchanged both confused and wondering looks and tried to decipher what each other were feeling. Munk became nervous when nobody said anything and he wondered if they were going to react badly. He felt regret inside as he saw his brother rise up in his usual over-confident, cocky way and slowly pace towards him. He looked at his brother with the steeliest eyes he could manage but he knew his desperation shone through. Very slowly Tugger extended his paws to Munk and offered him to take them. Munk mirrored the action and exchanged a small smile with his sibling as they stood in silent understanding. As soon as Tugger made the gesture other Jellicles followed suit and soon everyone was reaching out to Munk. He felt incredibly glad that they accepted him for doing what he did and felt deeply indebted to their actions of good will. Some of them rubbed affectionately at him and made him feel very happy to be accepted. This was what he had been desperate for and what he had been scared wouldn't happen. He had thought the tribe might reject him and send him away but they hadn't. They accepted what he'd done and he couldn't have asked for more caring and compassionate cats to live with.
His gladness was interrupted when he saw Alonzo cross the clearing standing just outside their den and looking across. He stood as he watched his mate and the Jellicles followed his line of sight to the black and white tom. Alonzo looked nervous but he bravely began to advance stiffly towards them. The Jellicles exchanged brief looks and began to move away from the tyre. They began to approach Alonzo who stopped as he came closer. The Jellicles responded in kind and halted when he did but they reached out to him as an offering of compassion and acceptance. They understood now why he had been avoiding them and desperately wanted him to know they didn't care about his appearance. Alonzo remained stock-still and couldn't manage to go any further. He simply didn't know what to do.
After a few more long moments Victoria once again attempted to make contact with him. She gingerly stepped forward with her paws stretched out as far as she could reach hoping Alonzo would see she meant no harm. The black and white tom breathed heavily and considered running away but stopped himself before he could. With all his strength he delicately raised his own paws and reached out towards the white queen. He felt his heart thump as he moved them slowly forward and felt as if he was about to grab onto a power line he was so apprehensive. After a painfully long moment of reaching out Victoria crossed the final few centimetres of empty air and brushed their paws together. Alonzo was frozen as he felt the queen's soft touch and felt his paws go rigid as she caressed them with her own. The queen lowered her face to his paws and rubbed against them affectionately and Alonzo's mouth slowly dropped open at the warm touch. He had expected her to scratch him in rejection but she hadn't, she had actually accepted him even though he felt hideous. The two stayed in that position for a long time before either of them moved.
There was still a long way to go but as Munk watched his tom make contact with cat after cat and his expression changing from that of fear to humbleness he knew Alonzo could work through his depression. The tabby smiled and thanked the Everlasting Cat for slowly bringing his mate back.
A few days passed and Munk was once again found atop the big tyre looking out for any trouble. It would soon be April and spring would be in full swing. The tabby was happy to think the chill would be leaving and was even more delighted to think that the last winter would be over. In some ways it had been the best winter of his life but also the worst. He decided it was best that it just pass on and be left to the ages, after all there was far too much conflict to define it.
As the sun began to go down and the night began to appear the tabby looked up and saw the first evening star. He smiled as he was filled with a sense of wonder that all cats feel when they look up into the night sky. The moon would soon appear and bathe the junkyard in it's cool but soothing light and the Jellicles would all come out into the night air. Alonzo hadn't been so fond of the moon since his evening of madness a few nights ago. Munk knew he still hadn't completely recovered from the incident atop Tower Bridge and was still acting a little strangely. At least he was being more sociable now and coming out into the junkyard. He had experienced a few moments of panic but Munk admired how he managed to restrain himself from freaking out completely. He took it as a sign that Alonzo was healing but still helped him out where he could. That patched tom would occasionally beckon him after some interaction with the other cats and let his anxiety flow out in the comfort of his mate's arms. Munk constantly reassured him that he was beautiful and it seemed to help him relax. He did his best to match his sleeping pattern to Alonzo's so he wouldn't wake up alone but that was not always possible. Tonight was one of those times when he had to leave the tom alone to watch the junkyard since he hadn't yet woken up. He felt bad for doing it but he still had a duty which in fairness he enjoyed upholding. He felt in some way qualified to perform his tasks as protector again after his spell of doubt and the feeling allowed him to feel useful once more. Still, he worried about Alonzo.
His thoughts were cut short when he noticed Billy scamper out into the early evening. It seemed the kitten barely ever slept and was always up and about before anybody else. The kitten saw him guarding and bounded over to the bigger tom.
"Hey, Munk!" sang the kitten happily
"Good evening, Billy"
"What's going on?"
"Nothing at all. Things are just as they should be"
"Where's Alonzo?"
"He's still sleeping but I'm sure he'll be about soon"
"Is he still acting weird?"
Munk's lips thinned at the inappropriate question but gave Billy some slack, he was after all still a kitten.
"He's not acting weird, Billy, he's still just a little nervous"
"Why?"
"I told you why the other day, remember?"
"I didn't get it"
Munk sighed, "Well, there was an evil cat called Macavity and he hurt Alonzo really badly"
"Is that why he has all those marks?"
"Yes"
"Oh" said Billy as he thought about it. "Why didn't he run away?"
"Because Macavity chained him up"
"Why didn't he wriggle out?"
"They were very tight, Billy"
"Why didn't he just fight Mervacacy off in the first place"
"It's Macavity, and I don't know Billy, Macavity was very strong"
"Stronger than you?"
"I don't know…" said Munk trailing off
"Will he be back?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because he's dead"
"How did he die?"
Munk rolled his eyes, this kitten was relentless. He tried to think of how to explain why he had killed Macavity to Billy but couldn't. He was still cut up by what he'd done and found it even harder to find the right words.
"Well, he was going to kill Alonzo and the only way I could protect him was to…well…kill Macavity."
Billy looked at him not with shock but deep thought.
"You killed?"
The simple question brought back the awful feelings Munk had been having about himself and he struggled to say the right things.
"I had to, he was going to kill us if I didn't do it first. I didn't mean to…it just happened"
"You couldn't stop yourself?"
"Billy, what you don't understand is that Macavity had killed lots of cats in the past and he wouldn't have stopped at Alonzo had I not put and end to him. In fact it was he who killed your m-"
Munk slapped his paw to his mouth, he had nearly told the kitten the same cat who had tortured Alonzo had murdered his mother. He kicked himself internally and wondered why he hadn't thought about what he was going to say. Billy was fixated on him and was waiting intently for him to finish the sentence. Munk looked down at the kitten and took in his youthful innocence. How could he possibly tell the kitten his mother was dead?
"Never mind" said the tabby, "Macavity is dead now and he won't be hurting anyone anymore"
"What were you saying before?" enquired Billy.
"What do you mean?"
"Right before you slapped yourself you were saying something about me, what was it?"
Munk rubbed the back of his head as he tried to think of what to do. The kitten – though young – was sharp as a tack and was clearly not about to let this one go any time soon.
"I wasn't saying anything" attempted Munk
"Yes you were. You said 'In fact it was he who killed your' and then you stopped"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!" said Billy smiling, "What was the rest?"
Munk looked down at the kitten's cheerful face and felt a great sadness well up inside him. If he told him he would ruin the kitten's life, how could he possible do that?
"Does it really matter, Billy?"
"Yes!"
"Look, now's not the right time"
"Just tell me!"
"Billy, I can't-"
"Please! Just say it!"
"Billy-"
"Say it!"
"Billy! That's enough!" snapped Munk. He didn't mean to get angry but the kitten's pleas for the truth were becoming too much to bear. The little tom just looked silently at the protector with his big, blue eyes and practically broke the tabby's heart with his expression.
"I'm sorry, Billy. I didn't mean to shout but now's really not the right time."
"Sorry…" whispered the kitten looking down
Munk had to stifle a choke of sadness as he watched the kitten recoil. How could it possibly be that a kitten so young would have to bear not having any family?
"Don't be sorry, Billy, I know you were just curious. Listen, why don't you go and find Pouncival? I'm sure he's ready to play by now"
"Okay" said the kitten quietly before running off. Munk watched him go and his heart felt heavy as he thought about the kitten.
"Feeling glum?" came a voice from behind him. The tabby turned and to his surprise saw Alonzo climbing up the junk.
"What are you doing over there?" asked Munk bewildered
"I managed to come out on my own" said Alonzo happily, "I went for a little walk and I wasn't freaked out once"
"That's great, dear" said the tabby as the patched sat down and snuggled up to him. Munk put his arms around his mate and smiled as their faces got closer together.
"So, what's got you down?" asked Alonzo
"Just Billy, you know?"
"No, what's wrong with him?"
"About his mother"
"Still haven't found her?"
"Well, no. Of course not"
"Don't worry, you'll find her eventually" said Alonzo assuredly
Munk thought for a moment and then his eyes went wide, he hadn't told Alonzo about Billy's mother yet.
"Umm, 'Lonz? I won't find her"
"Sure you will, you're great at finding things that have gone missing. You found me" said that patched tom smiling
"No, you don't understand. When we were back with…him…he told me about a queen he had killed after doing the same sort of things to her as he did to you"
Alonzo grimaced and shook his head to try and get rid of the memory his mate had just stirred up.
"Did you really have to bring that up? I was having a nice evening so far"
"Well, yes because he said her name was Georgina and you might remember Billy said his mother's name was Georgina"
Alonzo was quiet for a moment or two and then looked back at his mate,
"You don't think…"
Munk nodded grimly.
"Oh that poor kitten" said Alonzo looking over to where Billy had run off to, "Have you told him?"
"I can't, 'Lonz. I just don't think I could do it"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to ask Old Deuteronomy, he already knows so I hope he's thought about what we should do"
"Does anyone else know?"
"No, just him."
Alonzo pulled Munk closer and placed his head in the crook of the tabby's neck.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" asked the patched tom
"I hope so. I just can't imagine how he'll feel when we tell him"
"No…" sighed Alonzo quietly, "I don't think I can either"
They sat together a while without talking. They both thought about poor Billy and how alone he was. The worst part was that he didn't even know it and his world would probably come crashing down when he finally found out. It made the two toms very sad but at least they had each other.
A long time passed and the sun disappeared to make way for the moon. It shone down fiercely and illuminated the junkyard in white. The Jellicles slowly started to appear and come out for the evening. Things had seemed to have gone back to normal as if nothing had happened recently. The queens were gabbing on and on as Jenny and Jelly knitted together, the kittens caused mayhem amongst each other and zipped back and forth as they played before being distracted by Tugger and reforming his fan club. The Maine Coon happily gyrated and flirted with them and everyone watched as Jenny rushed over to try and break up the display. It would have made Munk and Alonzo laugh but they didn't really feel like there was much to be happy for. They just watched silently as the regular night-time ballet ran it's course.
Eventually Munk broke the silence,
"So, how are you feeling today?"
"Not bad. Not good but not bad either" replied Alonzo quietly
"What's on your mind?"
"I caught my scars in the mirror before I went out. I still can't believe they're that big"
"Sweetheart, you know I think you're beautiful"
"I don't deserve you" said Alonzo quietly
"No, I don't deserve you" said Munk as he placed a kiss on the side if his mate's head. Alonzo looked at him and smiled and held his head in that position. They stared at each other for a long while and soon Alonzo began to lean in. Munk's heart began to beat faster as he thought Alonzo might finally want to be intimate with him again. The tabby closed his eyes and advanced slowly as well so their lips could meet. He kept going until his neck was craned forward and at that point he opened his eyes. He saw Alonzo with his head turned away and looking rather glum.
"I'm sorry, Munk" he said quietly. The tabby just rested his head against Alonzo's.
"It's okay. One step at a time"
"But that's it. I want to be able to kiss you right now, I just don't know why I can't"
Munk sat up and turned to wrap his legs around Alonzo so he was encircling him,
"You know I think you're wonderful, right? And you know you're the only cat I ever want to kiss?"
Alonzo looked down again, "I know. I just don't think I deserve you"
Munk began to stroke his mate's head fur, "You do, darling, you really do"
"Then why don't I feel like I do?" asked Alonzo feeling frustrated, "All I want is to kiss you but Macavity's still inside and getting in the way!"
"He's gone, 'Lonz. He can't get to you"
"But he can. I don't know how but he's still…feeding"
"Push him out, he doesn't rule you. You're your own master, you always have been"
Alonzo shook his head slowly and sadly, "I just can't do it. He won't go"
"Let me kiss you then" said Munk trying to think of anything to help
"I told you I can't"
"You said you can't kiss me but I'm sure I can kiss you. Let me try"
"Munk, no. It won't feel right"
"Just try" said Munk as he went in to kiss his mate
"No, I can't. It won't be right" protested Alonzo leaning away
"Please" said Munk trying harder, "I only want to help"
"No, Munk!" yelled Alonzo jumping up. The noise made the Jellicles turn to look at them and as Alonzo noticed them staring he suddenly didn't feel comfortable anymore. He looked down at his mate who looked like he was feeling quite ashamed of himself.
"I'm sorry, 'Lonz" the tabby said meekly, "I only wanted to do something to help, anything."
"I have to go inside. I don't feel right." With that Alonzo walked across the clearing and into his den. Munk once again sat alone and chastised himself for being pushy. He didn't want to rush his mate but he really wanted to feel properly close to him again. He just wanted to kiss him softly and feel his mouth move – was that so much to ask?
The tabby remained there for the rest of the night on his own. He felt a lot of turmoil inside and once again felt the pressure of his duty wear him down.
It was going to be a struggle to get everything back in line again.
I know, I know, not much happened but bear with me as more stuff will happen in the next chapter.
Thanks for reading and reviewing.