HumanGuineaPig: I hope you're okay down in Australia with all the flooding and such. Best of Luck!
Okay, the reason it's taking me longer than usual to write the chapters is because I'm also revising for exams at the moment. I'd prefer to be doing this but apparently the exams say otherwise. I'll keep updating probably about twice per week even though I'd prefer four or five times. In a couple of weeks it'll all be over and I can update as frequently as I usually do.
Munk feels bad for Alonzo and keeps trying to help him. Alonzo becomes frustrated with himself and jumps to extreme measures to try to mend his broken self with awful consequences.
WARNING: Sexual themes
A year in the life of the black and white toms
Chapter 16
Extreme Measures
He had said 'I Love You' over and over again. He was sure he had made him realise that he was loved no matter what. He had rescued him from oblivion. He had been holding his hand through his grief. Why did none of it seem to be working?
Munk stared up into the sky as his mind went over the same thoughts over and over again. He looked quite blank as he sat atop the big tyre all on his own. To say he was confused was an understatement but to say he was unhappy was nowhere near appropriate. It seemed that every time Alonzo was making progress it was taken away from him and he'd wind up exactly where he'd started: scared and fragile. That wasn't the Alonzo he knew well. He knew an Alonzo who had strength and courage but the cat he was looking after was one of fear and self-resentment. The tabby felt really bad for not being able to fix his mate's troubles and as the days went by the situation seemed to become more and more bleak. It was true that Alonzo had started making progress but ever since their awkward moment in that very same spot a week ago when Munk had tried to kiss him Alonzo seemed to revert back to his state of being quiet and timid. The tabby blamed himself for setting his mate back and had tried to fix what he assumed he'd done. He had made sure to hold Alonzo close whenever they slept and told him as often as possible how beautiful he was but his gestures didn't seem to have any effect. He wanted so badly to have his mate back that he was beginning to become frustrated at the lack of results. It took a lot of his strength to subdue his strife and it certainly wore him down.
As with most nights he waited on the tyre for the Jellicles to come out and made sure everything was in order as they went about their night-to-night activities. Alonzo tended to remain inside and the lack of seeing him made Munk feel all the more useless. He longed to see his mate emerge from the den and come up to him just for the sake of being close but he never came. Munk wanted to hold him close so desperately but it just wasn't that simple. He felt like a failure, that he was sure of and it hurt since for a brief time he'd felt like the protector that he was supposed to be. He had felt that things were going to be alright but it seemed that it just wasn't that easy. Why couldn't it be that easy? Why couldn't things just go back to how they were? Every question he asked himself lead back to Macavity and Munk knew his evil impression was left on both him and his mate despite the cat being dead. That was what had been so evil about him: he stayed with you long after you'd left him and he tormented you when you were at your most vulnerable. Munk understood what Alonzo meant when he said Macavity was still inside and it hurt to think that there wasn't anything he could do about it.
He was meant to be the protector and keep the Jellicles from all types of harm. How could it be that there was finally something hurting a cat that he couldn't stop?
The tabby took in a deep breath and let his head lean forward. He had been staring at the sky for a while and now his neck ached from being held in that position or too long. He wanted the night to go faster so he could go back to bed and escape the feeling of failure. That and when Alonzo was laying still it felt like everything was normal and he loved that feeling. To hold his mate and feel his warmth had become the greatest experience in the world and that time of day when he was lying with Alonzo had become the only time he felt truly happy. He craved it and it drove him crazy when it had to end whenever Alonzo woke up.
Still he sat on top of the tyre as the world span around him. His tired, desperate expression broke through his natural steeliness and attracted unwanted stares of wonder from some of the Jellicles. Some of them came up and tried to make idle chit-chat as he went about his duty but he didn't really respond all that well. They would soon leave him alone when he became blank and unresponsive and they wondered why he had become so down. It wasn't until Bomba happened upon him the next night and began to pick at his mind that he managed to open up at all. The air was warmer and smelt rather sweet since spring was there to stay – at least for the time being. The red queen once again saw her protector sitting alone on the tyre and felt bad for him looking so lonely. She decided to saunter over and sat down beside him without speaking for a little while. The two cats remained silent until Bomba thought of something to say.
"Rough day?" she asked off the cuff
Munk took in an audible breath and his voice was rough as he replied, "Yep"
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really, Bomba. I'd rather be alone to think"
"You've been alone thinking for nearly a week now, maybe you should try talking"
"To whom?"
"Well, how about me?"
Munk looked at her with sarcasm,
"You?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"You and I have never really talked about anything too deep"
"Well, who else have you got?"
Munk thought for a moment and then suggested, "Tugger?"
Bomba snorted with laughter and looked at him with a smile and wide eyes. He knew it was a stupid idea before he even said it.
"Alright, so maybe 'Lonz is who I'd go to when I want to talk about something but he's obviously not available."
"I'm available"
"Really? You and me talk?"
"Look, stripes, I'm offering you a chance to open up and vent some frustration. That's got to be worth something, right? Besides Alonzo and I have talked about you and he before so maybe I can help clear some things up for you"
"You and he talk about us?" asked Munk with surprise and wondering just how much information she knew that he assumed had been private, "Exactly what has he told you?"
"Wouldn't you like to know…" she teased
"Bomba, really"
"Calm down Mr. More Tightly Wound Than A Ball Of String, I'm only offering a shoulder to cry on and maybe some advice"
Munk thought about what she had said for a moment and then decided to concede,
"Alright then"
"So what's up?"
"Just the usual"
"'Lonz being a tough customer?"
"Mmhmm"
"Is he still feeling ugly?"
Munk nodded
"I see" said the queen, "No progress at all then?"
"There was some but I think I set him back when I tried to kiss him last week"
"Oh that's what that was. So you guys aren't even kissing yet?"
Munk shook his head
"Wow"
Munk felt the need to tell her what was really troubling him and he couldn't think of any way to prevent himself from doing so,
"I just wish I knew what to do Bomba. I really want him to be intimate with me again but I can't get him to understand that he's capable of it. I know he is but he just can't get over his appearance"
"Is that all that's getting in the way?"
"It seems to be. He feels hideous so I don't think he wants to let me get close to him in the way we would if we…you know"
"Had…sex?"
"Yes" said Munk uncomfortably
"Does he let you touch him at all?"
"Yes, but only when we cuddle. I want to show him that I still love him so much and the only thing I haven't tried is making love to him"
"You've tried everything except that?"
"Yes. I don't want to try mating with him though because I know how he'll react and I don't want to put him through the torment of having to refuse"
Bomba sat back and looked away, "That's a tricky one…"
"I know"
Have you asked him how he feels?"
"Yes but I think he feels too embarrassed to tell me. He knows how much I want to get closer to him but I still don't think he sees himself as…worthy. Besides, I don't think he wants to have sex at all anymore."
"Is that because of what happened when Macavity was holding him?"
"Well yes but it's not what I told you he did that's making him feel like that"
"I know Macavity raped him. I know he raped him a lot"
Munk looked at her with horror, "How did you know that?"
She tried to look calming, "Alonzo told me. He sneaks out when everyone's sleeping from time to time so no one can see him and every now and then I'd be up at the same time and we'd talk"
"And he told you about being raped?"
"Briefly, yes"
"Everlasting Cat…" said Munk exasperated, "He said he didn't want anyone to know"
"Well it was before he tried to…you know, jump off the bridge and I think he had too many thoughts flying around his head to keep them all in"
"Huh…"
"It's okay, Munk. He'll want to have mate with you again one day, you are mates after all. It'll just be tough getting him there if he still associates that with what Macavity did to him."
"I don't know if he considers Macavity raping him the same as us making love. After all we are in love and I'm pretty sure we both enjoyed mating and I definitely know he hated being violated by HIM."
"Maybe you should ask him how he feels about both of those things"
"I don't know if I can, Bomba. I don't want to force him to think about it"
"It might be the only way"
"Still, I just can't bear seeing him revisit it. It's heart-breaking to watch"
"I see"
Munk sighed, "I feel like a failure, Bomba. I should be able to fix this for him but I just can't"
The tabby put his face in his paws and seemed to shrink in despair. Bomba felt awful for him and scooted close to put her arm around him in comfort.
"Munk, there's nothing you could have done or can do to make this right. Alonzo will need to work through this on his own and all you can do is support him. I know you feel you need to fix everything but not even you can do that"
Munk remained silent but brought his head back up. He didn't look satisfied by any means but he did remember that his father had told him something very similar not too long ago.
"Just stay strong, stripes. He'll get through it eventually"
"I hope you're right Bomba. I really do."
Billy scampered around aimlessly as he tended to do. Being the youngest kitten in the junkyard he somehow seemed to have more energy than anyone else and it wasn't easy for so much life to be contained in one tiny kitten. He didn't particularly mind though, he had grown to love the junkyard and loved exploring new parts. Sometimes he would be led by his new friends and other times he would run around alone, it really didn't matter to him. This particular time he was on his own and he jumped perilously from one junk pile to another. He was having so much fun jumping around where no one could see him and was barely paying attention as he made his leaps. He really should have thought twice about making one particular jump but it was too late for him to do anything about it once he'd leapt into the air. He realized in the split-second when he became weightless that he didn't have enough momentum to clear the gap and started flailing wildly as he plummeted towards the ground. There wasn't much time to spin his body so he could land on his feet and he hit the junk below with an almighty clatter. Fortunately, kittens tend to bounce so Billy sprung back up into the air and then started to tumble down the side of the junk pile. There was barely any time to think before he landed with a thud on the bare ground of the clearing. He slowly pushed himself up feeling his young body ache as he went and looked around to see where he'd ended up. The first thing he saw was the entrance to the junkyard and he realised he had landed quite close to it. Normally he wouldn't think anything of it but this time he continued to look out of the junkyard, down the road and off into the distance. He suddenly felt a longing for his mother and realised that he couldn't remember just how long it had been since he last saw her. His kittenish smile disappeared and he felt saddened by his mother's absence and wondered if he would ever see again. He quickly shook the thought from his mind; of course he'd see her again. She was after all his mother and she always came back. Billy thought surely this time she had simply gone for a lot longer and he didn't expect that it would be long before he saw her again. As a matter of fact he hadn't asked Munk in a while if he'd found her yet. Come to think of it he hadn't actually seen Munk go out looking. He couldn't have stopped, could he?
The kitten puzzled for a little while longer before getting up and walking back into the junkyard. He decided he'd need to ask his protector about his mother again, he must have had heard something by now.
Munk and Bomba had been chatting for a while by now. Munk liked being able to talk to someone about his and Alonzo's situation without having to mind his words. He would usually talk to Alonzo about everything but he simply couldn't while his mate was still such a mess. Bomba was surprisingly easy to talk to. The two had never really spent much time together before due to each having closer friends to confide in and it felt strange talking to someone other than Alonzo so deeply. It felt nice though.
The two were interrupted when they heard a loud clattering across the junkyard. By the time they turned their heads all they saw was Billy pushing himself off the ground looking confused and a little dizzy. The two watching cats were about to jump up and go over to him but he seemed to recoup incredibly fast.
"Do you think he's okay?" asked Bomba cautiously
"I think so," replied Munk, "Kittens are like elastic, you can bend them into any shape and they'll always spring back"
Bomba smiled at what Munk said and they continued to watch Billy as he cleared his mind. After a while it seemed strange that the kitten hadn't moved from his position, he seemed to be fixated on something neither of them could see. Munk craned his neck to try and follow Billy's line of sight but he couldn't see anything of great interest. He was about to excuse himself from Bomba and ask the kitten what he was looking at but before he could do so Billy stood up, dusted himself off and started to walk in their direction. His face seemed to brighten up as he laid eyes on Munk and he happily bounded over to him. Munk had grown wary of Billy's innocent-looking approaches and braced himself for whatever it was the kitten was about to come out with.
Billy hopped up onto the tyre in front of Bomba and Munk and sat smiling broadly. The tom and the queen exchanged different looks: Munk as if to say 'here we go' and Bomba as if to say 'isn't he sweet?'
"Hello, Billy" said Munk simply
"Hi" chimed the kitten,
"How are you?"
"Fine. Can I ask you something?"
"If you must…"
"You know you said you would find my mummy?"
Munk suddenly looked like a deer in the headlights, "…Oh bullocks…" he said as he was swept off-guard. He hadn't even thought about that today. Bomba jabbed him for swearing in front of a kitten and made him flinch.
"What does that mean?" asked Billy curiously as he tilted his head to the side
Bomba glared at the tabby who looked quite sheepish. She spoke for him,
"It's not a nice word, dear. Don't repeat it, okay?"
Billy smiled naughtily and lied, "Okay." He would tell the other kittens later.
"So you were asking about your mum?" said Bomba trying to revert back to his question.
"Yep. I remember you were looking before Alonzo went missing but when you got back I don't think I saw you start looking again"
Munk bit his lip and tried to think fast. What was he going to tell the kitten?
A few moments passed silently and Billy poked Munk on the arm when he looked like he'd floated off into another world.
"Oi. Are you alright?" asked the kitten
Munk tried to speak but all that came out was a bubbling, mushy mess of noise. Billy looked at his queen companion as if perhaps she had understood the nonsense that came out of the protector.
"Munk, are you in there?" asked Bomba jiggling him a little bit. The tabby shook his head from his daze and quickly looked back and forth between them before speaking,
"I…uh…you're right Billy, I haven't been looking…I've actually forgotten to…I've been so busy trying to help Alonzo that I forgot she was missing…I'll start looking again soon, okay?"
"Alright" said quietly. It wasn't the answer he had been hoping for but it would do for now. At least there was hope. He still felt a little lonely though and asked the tom and queen to help,
"Can I sit with you two? Just for a while?"
Munk rolled his eyes where as Bomba beamed. Billy was admittedly incredibly cute and she was only too happy to let him stay with them. Munk wasn't so happy; he wanted to tell Bomba right away why he wasn't looking for Billy's mother but now he would have to endure the guilt of keeping the kitten in the dark.
"Umm…alright" said Munk begrudgingly. Without waiting Billy jumped between them and pulled their arms around him. He snuggled down and seemed to instantly drift off into a nap. 'How is it that kittens seem to go to sleep instantly?' thought Munk as he felt the kitten rest against him. He didn't like admitting it but his heart felt like it was melting as he supported the kitten. He really liked being able to care for him and had to fight a smile as it tried to spread across his lips.
Bomba practically burst from the adorable sight before her and couldn't help but giggle quietly. Munk – not really knowing what to do – put his arm further around the kitten as he slept and supported his young body. It seemed to him like the right thing to do but in all honestly he didn't have a clue. He had never thought about being a parent and at that moment the concept seemed baffling. He let his protector instincts take over and took solace when it seemed he was doing the right thing. Bomba marvelled as she watched the tabby gently bring the kitten onto his lap and cradle him as he slept. She could have sworn she saw a tiny smile creep onto his lips as he looked down at the kitten but it was certainly marred with worry as well. She assumed it was just Munk enjoying the idea of being fatherly and thought they both looked incredibly cute.
Neither Munk nor Bomba spoke so as not to wake Billy and soon Jenny came by looking for the kitten. With practiced paws she effortlessly took the kitten from the protector and carried him off to her den leaving the tom and queen on the tyre. As soon as Billy was out of earshot she began to squeal at Munk,
"That was absolutely adorable! If only you could have seen yourself!"
"Really?" asked Munk not believing her
"Really! I think you'd make a good dad"
"Oh, no…"
"Shame he has to go really, you two seem like a good father-son match"
"I rather thought he looked more like Alonzo"
"Then I suppose it's lucky you two are mates. Still, it doesn't matter. He'll be gone when you find his mum"
"Everlasting…" said Munk with frustration
"Oh yeah!" said Bomba changing her tone as she remembered Munk's slip of the tongue, "What was that when you said bullocks in front of him?"
Munk sighed and lowered his voice, "He caught me off guard. Has Alonzo told you about his mum?"
"I don't think so"
"She's dead," whispered the tabby making the queen gasp, "Macavity got to her before he kidnapped Alonzo and well…you know"
"Oh my" said Bomba amazedly, "How horrible"
"I know"
"What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know. I've been meaning to ask Old Deuteronomy but I haven't had the time"
"Poor Billy…" breathed Bomba, "He's all alone"
"I know"
"How is he going to survive?"
"I suppose we'll take care of him as best we can until he's old enough to decide for himself what to do. I'm still going to ask Old Deuteronomy though, he'll know where to go from here"
"Of course…it's just so sad. I can't believe that sweet little kitten's mother was killed by…him"
Munk just nodded and stared out across the junkyard. They remained silent for a long time.
The next morning Munk awoke holding Alonzo and enjoyed lying still with him for as long as he could. Eventually Alonzo stirred and after a few moments of silent cuddling Munk felt his mate become restless and begin to pull away. The tabby didn't fight it; he didn't want to make things worse. He simply got up and extended his paw for his mate to take. The patched tom delicately took it and together they left the den to find some breakfast.
Munk planted Alonzo on the big tyre and rubbed against him affectionately before running off to find some rats. Alonzo was incredibly grateful to his mate for taking care of him but he really wished he didn't have to. He was annoyed that whatever it was inside him that was keeping him from being normal was doing just that. He just wanted to be the same as he once was and he had no idea why it was so hard. He knew the cause: Macavity had made him feel like dirt and he felt embarrassed to go around looking like he did. However, that shouldn't be too hard to get rid of with his mate's support, right? Munk had been so uplifting and loving so why was it that the care he had been giving wasn't pushing Macavity's evil out of his mind? How could Munk's love not be stronger than the sick memory of Macavity? It couldn't, it simply couldn't. So why did it seem like it was?
From this point of view it would be easy for any cat to see how awful Alonzo was feeling if he would simply open up. Above everything else it was his confusion that was making him feel worse and he desperately wished for some clarity.
Depression is a funny thing. It can be triggered from mounting frustration and strike when you're at your most vulnerable. Alonzo certainly fit into this category and the worst part was that he knew it. He didn't want to be depressed is only for his mate's sake. He simply couldn't shake the feeling of ugliness despite how silly he knew it was. He loved Munk and in his heart he knew Munk loved him; why couldn't his mind see that too?
His spiralling thoughts were gladly interrupted when he saw his wonderful mate running back to him carrying breakfast. He must have been thinking for a long time despite how quickly he felt he'd entered and exited dreamland. He smiled as his mate sat down next to him and offered him some food. They ate the rats without saying much and once they had finished they proceeded to guard the junkyard as always.
As they sat Alonzo would allow his eyes to wander across to his mate from time to time and his heart would ache to touch him tenderly. There was nothing he wanted more than to reach across and caress Munk's beautiful body. He concentrated on the tabby's lips and wished he could just lean in and kiss them softly. He just wanted to touch him but didn't feel he could. It felt that if he so much as tried to be intimate with him his scars would rub off onto the tabby and he would be tainted too. He couldn't bear to let his mate look as ugly as him, he was too perfect.
The patched tom startled when he saw Munk notice him staring. The tabby smiled at his gazing and found it quite flattering but Alonzo didn't feel the same way. He felt stupid for staring at him like an idiot and not having the courage to get close. He knew he could touch him but not in an intimate way and that was all he desired.
"Something caught your eye, 'Lonz?" Munk joked
The patched tom laughed nervously and feigned emotional stability, "You might say that"
"Well, anytime you want to take a closer look you'd be very welcome"
Alonzo blushed; at least the tabby could still give him butterflies. That was a good sign, right?
'Alonzo, you're such a moron!' the patched tom's heart said to him, 'You have a gorgeous tom sitting right in front of you and he just happens to be your best friend and mate. You can't get any luckier than this; hold him right now!'
"If only I could…" whispered Alonzo not meaning to say it aloud.
"Pardon?" said Munk
"Uh…nothing" said Alonzo feeling the usual shame that came with these moments
"A lot on your mind?"
"Yeah"
"Not sure what to deal with first?"
"Uh huh"
Munk chuckled, "Silly kitty, that's what I love about you. You're a total scatterbrain but somehow you seem to be right on the ball. I really love you, 'Lonz. You know that, right?"
Alonzo nodded pathetically. This had to stop. This horrible, self-hating, idiocy had to stop right now. He was so tired of feeling like garbage; he wasn't garbage, he was Alonzo. The real Alonzo never felt like garbage and neither should he.
The patched tom's sudden burst of strength went so fast that he barely had time to keep up with himself and before he knew it he had jumped up and was stomping off over the junk. Some parts of him to were incredibly nervous but other parts of him had had enough. The two conflicting thoughts dominated his mind as he walked off and there was one clear message that overshadowed them both: he had to do something about this stupid depression now.
Munk called after his mate as he went,
"'Lonz, is everything alright?"
"Yep! For once everything's going to be fine!" the patched tom replied as forcibly as he could.
Munk was confused but didn't question his mate's statement. Anything that he wanted to try to bring himself out of his rut was okay by him.
Alonzo eventually stomped back to his den. He had a plan for how to make things right again: he would force himself to be intimate with Munk. Enough was enough, the time for action had come and he knew this is what he had to do to take control. The thought made him feel deeply frightened but also filled him with power. Every part of him told him he wasn't ready but he couldn't bear to listen anymore. He was tired of feeling worthless; tonight he would feel right again.
The morning went by uneventfully for Munk and it was just after lunch that he saw his father appear at the entrance of the junkyard. He happily sauntered over and greeted him with respect before updating him with all the goings-on in the junkyard – not that there was much to tell. The main thing on his mind was Billy and he really wanted to know what to do. He couldn't lie to the kitten any longer.
Munk took his father over to the big tyre and sat down on his right. He attempted small talk until he felt it was the right time to bring up the topic of the black and white kitten. A short while after they had started talking he steered the conversation in that direction.
"Anyway, dad. There is something I really wanted to talk to you about and that's what we're going to do with Billy"
Old Deuteronomy tilted his head upwards slightly without breaking eye contact and waited for his son to go on.
"I've been so busy trying to make sure Alonzo's alright that I haven't thought of any way to deal with Billy and it's becoming really difficult to lie. I don't think I can keep doing it for much longer"
"What have you been telling him, son?"
"I've been saying that I haven't had a chance to look for her but I will start again soon."
"So he believes she's still alive?"
"Yes"
"I see"
There was a short pause before the old tom went on.
"Well, I see no reason why he can't stay here. That is providing he doesn't have any other family that may wish to be charged with his care"
"I don't think he does. We would have heard something or he would have said something by now if he did"
"Yes. Well, I'm sure there's somewhere in the junkyard we could find for him to stay. Who does he get along with best of all?"
"I think he gets along with all the kittens very well but I've noticed he and Jemima have taken a shine to each other. Are you suggesting he stay with her wherever she goes?"
"Oh no, son. Jemima is too young to take care of another and Billy needs the care of an adult. He's younger than all of the other kittens and will need a grown-up to help him along until he's sufficient to take care of himself"
Munk winced a little as he listened to the words, "Take care of himself, sir?"
"Well, yes. Eventually he will have to take care of himself like we all do. Is something wrong with that?"
"No. It's just that I don't really like to think that he will have to be on his own without any family one day"
The old tom looked at his son as a few thoughts passed through his head. He examined him wisely and seemed to look straight into his heart's desires.
"You've taken quite a shine to him, haven't you?"
"I suppose so. I felt so bad when we first found him but the worst part is how every now and then I've managed to frighten the life out of him. I've never meant to but somehow I seem to keep messing up"
Old Deuteronomy laughed, "Yes, I've heard."
"The last thing I want to do is scare him. He's so young and…innocent; I just want to make sure he's alright"
"He is quite character, especially for such a young tom"
"He's rather amazing, isn't he?" said Munk proudly
Old Deuteronomy was quiet again as he smiled at his son. The tabby noticed his father look at him with knowing eyes and began to feel uneasy. What was his father about to say?
"You sound like a proud father, Munkustrap. Any casual observer might think Billy was your son"
Munk's eyes widened and he nearly toppled from his seat as he felt himself turn to jelly. He managed to choke out a word,
"What?"
The older tom laughed again, "You really seem to have taken a shine to Billy and from what you've said it certainly seems like you care for him. Tell me, have you and Alonzo thought about adopting a kitten of your own?"
Munk nearly burst from shock and this time yelled in astonishment, "What?"
"Well, have you?"
The tabby sat dumbfounded; he had not at all been expecting the question.
"Well…we…no. I mean, I've never thought about having…I don't know if Alonzo…If anything it's certainly not the right time…How would we know if Billy would even…Gah!" blabbered the tabby
Old Deuteronomy continued to laugh but calmed himself down when he wanted to become serious.
"Now look, Munkustrap. I've always known you would make the perfect father and I'm well aware that you and Alonzo can't…produce a kitten"
Munk felt his stomach turn as he listen to his father talk. Old Deuteronomy continued,
"Ever since I learned you and Alonzo had become mates I've been entertaining the idea that you might adopt a kitten as your own and raise it together. Now, since Billy will be needing care and above all love and since he has no parents left then what I'm suggesting is that you and Alonzo adopt him"
Munk was flabbergasted. How could his father speak so calmly and easily about this? It was mind-boggling for him that anyone would even suggest kittens. Through all of his reservations though, what shone through was warmth. The idea of being a father was incredible and it made him happy inside.
But then, as always, the what-ifs barged in. Munk spluttered as he spoke,
"I don't think Alonzo's in any state to be raising a kitten just yet"
Old Deuteronomy nodded, "No, not yet, but hopefully will be soon. I'd wager that when he recovers he would jump at the chance to be a father for Billy with you"
Munk felt a little woozy. This was a lot of information to take in at once and it was certainly something he hadn't been ready for.
Old Deuteronomy observed his dizzy-looking son and decided to leave him to his thoughts. He excused himself and went to find his other son while Munk sat staring straight ahead into nothingness whilst trying to process the idea of being a father.
The evening eventually came and as the shadows began to get longer Alonzo began pacing in his den. He hadn't a clue how to feel; he was angry, frustrated, determined, courageous, nervous, frightened, unsure and unstable all at the same time. He had had spent the rest of the day alone going over his plan to force himself to be intimate with his mate again and had worked himself into quite a state. Several times he had nearly broken down from the very thought of going through with it when crossed with his horrible self-loathing. He tried to cram the bad thoughts back inside himself though – he had been too frightened for too long and he didn't want his fellow Jellicles and most of all his mate to have to put up with him any longer. The poor tom knew deep inside himself that what he was forcing himself to do he was not ready for and really shouldn't attempt for the risk of making himself worse but he didn't want to listen. What kind of horrible cat must he be if he put himself first? The others should not have to go through what he was going through so he needed to stop being so scared immediately.
The patched tom didn't know whether to fume or laugh or cry as he continued to pace and wait for his mate to come in. He was so conflicted it seemed that his outward expression had given up trying to display his emotions. Clearly he was heading in a very bad direction once again but the tom was so deranged from his depression he had no capacity to see it. He only knew one thing: he may have been hideous but he had to put himself through his own, self-inflicted torture for the sake of his mate. Munk was all he cared about and was desperate to prove himself again.
His pacing got faster and more agitated as it went on and after a long time he felt his legs getting tired. He groaned with the stress of the situation and just wanted it all to be over. It was going to be hard and it was going to hurt terribly but in his mind he had to do it. It was something that had to be done to show Munk that he still cared for him dearly and that was the most important thing – not his self-hatred.
As he tried to calm himself he was distracted when Bomba burst through the door. He had grown quite used to the way she didn't really announce herself when she entered a den and barely thought anything of it.
"Can I help you?" asked Alonzo as he pinched the bridge of his nose; he could feel a headache coming on.
"A little formal for you, isn't it?" replied the red queen
"What?"
"'Can I help you?' Have you suddenly found some class?"
"Shut up" said Alonzo as playfully as he could manage which was really hardly playful at all
"What's wrong with you? You look a complete mess"
"You're just full of compliments this evening, aren't you?"
The queen smiled, "I just like to be observant. Seriously though, are you alright? You look…troubled"
"You know what, Bomba? For once I don't think I am. I have a clear idea of what I need to do to make things right again and I just want to get it over with"
"Are you sure?" asked the queen timidly
"Yes. Absolutely."
"Well, what is it?"
Alonzo grimaced as she asked the question. He didn't want to tell her but he knew he couldn't hide away after making that kind of statement.
"Well…I'm going to…you know"
"Well of course I don't know"
"I'm going to take Munk and I'm going to…give him…well you can tell from that"
"No I can't. Just speak English, you weirdo!"
Alonzo huffed and with frustration squeezed out the words he didn't want to say,
"I'm going to shag him! Do you understand now?"
Bomba looked stupefied – she hadn't expected him to say that.
"Shag him…" she repeated plainly. Alonzo took a breath and looked down as he replied,
"It's the only way I can show him I want to be intimate with him again"
There was a long silence before Bomba began asking questions,
"Have you guys ever done it before?"
"Well of course we have!"
"Have you done it since you…got back?"
"No"
"Do you even want to have sex with him?"
"Of course I do"
"No, what I mean is do you want to have sex with him right now?"
"…Yes"
"Are you sure?"
"I don't know," said Alonzo with annoyance
"You want to have sex so it feels good, right?"
"Yes"
"And you want to have sex to feel close to him?"
"Yes"
"Do you think you can do that while you're still so torn up inside?"
"I have to. I've been a nervous mess for too long and it's time I did something to get out of this rut"
"And you think shagging Munk while you're obviously not ready to is going to make you feel alright again?"
"Don't put it like that. It sounds so wrong when you say it that way"
"It's the truth, though, isn't it?"
"Oh I don't know, Bomba! I'm just so sick of being this way! I want to take control again and feel close to Munk like I did before…you know who got to me"
Bomba stepped towards him and put her arms around him. He didn't hug her back.
"Come on, patches, you know this isn't going to help. You can feel close to Munk without having to have sex with him; I'm sure he of all cats knows that."
"I've made up my mind, Bomba. I'm going to do this and somehow it's going to make Munk know I can still be intimate with him"
"Oh 'Lonz, can't you see? He knows you're capable of it but he also knows you're not ready yet. I can't imagine how horrible the things Macavity did to you were but I'm sure they weren't something you can recover from easily. I'll bet Munk doesn't want the first time you two mate after that whole ordeal to be painful or upsetting. In fact I'm sure you both would want it to be perfect; this isn't going to be like that, it will be awful for both of you"
Alonzo felt like she was making sense but his mind was too stubborn to change it's determination now.
"No, Bomba. I know what I'm doing."
The red queen didn't have time to speak before Munk entering through the door interrupted them. Bomba and Alonzo shared identical expressions of anxiety and Munk was put slightly on edge by the display.
"Is something wrong?" the silver tabby asked
"Not at all" replied Alonzo gravely, "Bomba was just leaving"
The queen gave him a pleading look in an attempt to make him reconsider but he responded with eyes as cold as ice. With sadness she averted her gaze and excused herself quietly from the den. Alonzo's heart began to beat more quickly as he watched her go and realised now was the time to make a move.
"Is she alright?" asked Munk confusedly
"Never mind about her," replied Alonzo as he approached the tabby. His paws felt cold as he looped them around Munk's waist and caught him off-guard with a firm kiss. Munk was startled by the move but quickly complied with his mate and kissed him back. They parted after a few seconds and Alonzo gave him the sexiest look he could manage.
"What was that for?" asked Munk with a smirk and unaware of his mate's fear.
Through fervent pecks Alonzo replied,
"I want…to show you…that…I still care for you"
Munk did his best to respond as his mate meshed their lips together frantically,
"'Lonz…I know…you care for me"
"I want you to know…that I can still be close to you and…give you what you want"
"Of course we're…still close and…you give me everything…I could ask for"
"Except one thing" said Alonzo taking a break from his passionate but panicked kisses
"What's that?"
"Mating" said Alonzo in a low growl. Munk was surprised by his mate's sudden forwardness and knew something had to be up.
"Mating? I don't demand that from you, darling"
Alonzo grabbed the fur on his mate's chest and pulled him very close.
"But you want it, don't you? I can tell you want it and you know what? I..." he gulped as he tried to keep up the façade, "…want it too"
"Alonzo, I don't know if…"
The patched tom cut him off as he pressed their mouths together again. Munk tried to get him to stop but he didn't want to use force. Alonzo grabbed him fiercely and worked him backwards until they both fell onto the bed. In a flash Alonzo was once again passionately kissing Munk and in his desperation forced his tongue deep into the tabby's mouth. Munk's eyes blinked open at the sudden invasion but didn't protest for too long. All the while they kissed Alonzo felt himself becoming more and more scared and soon his entire body began to tremble.
Munk managed to halt them briefly as he felt his mate shake,
"'Lonz, wait! Something's not right, please tell me what's going on"
"Nothing's going on. I just want to mate with you, is that such a bad thing? It certainly seems you want the same thing" said Alonzo as he reached down and caressed Munk's firming private area. The tabby shuddered as he felt his mate fondle his nether-regions – he had nearly forgotten the feeling and remembered how good it felt to have Alonzo touch him in that way. He closed his eyes as his libido overshadowed his intuition and he found it very hard to resist Alonzo despite how strongly he felt something wasn't right.
"Tell me I'm wrong," said Alonzo as certainly as he could
Munk swallowed hard and allowed his desire to start taking over higher thought,
"Are you sure?" the tabby said timidly
Alonzo paused for a moment as he looked down at his tom trying to figure out what to do,
"…I think so" is all he said.
With great trepidation on both parts the two toms resumed their kissing and passionate grinding. Munk flipped their bodies around so he was on top and began kissing Alonzo on his neck and across his chest. Alonzo resisted the need to flinch as he felt the tabby place soft kisses across his upper body. His breathing grew faster and faster as the tabby went lower and the patched tom started to feel as if he'd made a terrible mistake. The sense of dread and fear mounted within him as Munk went lower still and he felt as if he wanted to scream when the tabby arrived at his privates. As Munk began to manipulate him he had terrifying flashes of Macavity gripping him there and running his paws all over his body. He remembered how terrible it had been to feel the despicable tom degrade him and steal his dignity and though he never intended for Munk's actions to feel like Macavity's he couldn't help feeling as if he was back in his prison. Macavity had left far deeper a scar than Alonzo had thought and he was realising now just what an impact the evil tom had had on him.
With a terrible shudder Alonzo gripped Munk's head and pulled him up to eye level. He honestly couldn't go through with this – he didn't have it in him.
But he had to. He had to do it for Munk's sake. With his last ounce of courage he flipped the tabby onto his back and straddled his hips in order for his tom to penetrate him.
"Alonzo" whispered Munk worriedly as he looked up at the patched tom knowing now that something was very wrong.
As Alonzo suspended himself above Munk ready to sink down onto him he began to shake even more wildly and tears started to stream from his eyes. Munk stared up in shock at his frightened mate and wondered what one earth was happening. After a few moments Alonzo became wobbly and Munk had to catch him so he didn't fall off of the bed. The silver tabby gently held his mate and lay him down on the cushions and watched as Alonzo broke down and began to babble,
"I'm sorry, Munk. I just wanted to show you how much I want to be intimate with you again. Please forgive me"
Munk felt so guilty; how could he have allowed Alonzo to come to the conclusion that he needed to force himself into having sex just to prove he loved him? As tenderly as he could he pulled Alonzo close to his body and rocked him gently as he cried.
"Oh, Alonzo. There's nothing for me to forgive. If anything I should be asking you for forgiveness. I should have asked how you feel about us and made sure you didn't feel pressured. I'm sorry, darling"
Alonzo sobbed, "I just want things to be like they were. I thought having sex would make that happen but I just can't do it. I want to do it for you so badly but I can't"
"It's okay, darling. I'll help you through this, I promise"
Alonzo looked up at his mate with red eyes and spoke through the sobs, "I'm scared, Munk. What if I can't get back to how I was?"
"You will, dear. I'll help you to get there and I won't stop until you realise just how wonderful you are"
"I'm tired Munk. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I just want to feel close to you again"
"It'll take time but I'll always be here. I'm always close 'Lonz, you just have to see it"
"But it's like something's missing. I don't know what, but something's not there"
"Then I'll find it for you, 'Lonz. I promise I'll find it for you"
Alonzo buried his face in Munk's chest and let out more painful sobs. What was he meant to believe?
As Munk held the despondent tom he began to gently shake his head back and forth in self-judgement. How could he have allowed Alonzo to become like this?
The two toms stayed embracing long into the night. It was an awful moment for them to bear but they didn't want to be anywhere else but in each other's arms.
Poor Alonzo. He's trying his best but he just can't catch a break.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I always love to hear what you think. I'll do my best to get the next chapter up lickety-split! Hopefully I'll be able to end the next one on a happy note instead of a sad one.
P.S. I've had an idea for a sequel to Unlikeliest of Lovers. It came to me at about 2am when I was lying in bed so yay! Now I have a project for when I finish this which I think will be two or three more chapters. Knowing me and my misjudgement it might end up being four.