I'm really, really sorry this took an entire week for me to finish. It's another long one so I guess that's the reason it's taken such a long time.
HumanGuineaPig: Sorry to see you've now got massive storms. As if you guys down there in Oz didn't already have enough to deal with, right?
Munk and Alonzo help Billy come to terms with the loss of his mother.
A year in the life of the black and white toms
Chapter 19
Final Decisions
It is a strange feeling that follows after one has been crying over something truly awful. It is not like any other feeling felt at any other time and in many ways it is indescribable. It is a kind of numbness in one's body coupled with a lasting sting in the eyes. One tends to stare off into nothingness as the matter is endlessly mulled over yet none of this compares to the all-encompassing numbness that hangs around like vultures on carrion.
Munk felt this way as he lay on the bed after waking from a short and bumpy sleep. He held on tightly to the shattered kitten he had comforted the previous night and stared over at his mate who did not appear to be sleeping at all soundly. The silver tabby was not strictly looking at Alonzo since his mind was focused on the memory of Billy's reaction but when the patched tom shifted or made a tiny sound his eyes would be upon him searching for any kind of harm. Since the moment he had been awake he had been firmly in his 'protector' mindset and was determined to protect his mate and charge with his life. The way he had watched Billy fall to pieces and then Alonzo follow suit had clawed at his very soul and he could hardly bear to watch them. Their expressions had been so heart-wrenching that even he – the strongest, most solid of all the Jellicles – had been defeated and had cried along with them as they all huddled together. In hindsight he regretted not planning for this kind of result and he wished he had prepared himself to comfort Billy properly. He regretted even more that he had fallen apart; what kind of confidence could Billy have in him now? If he was to suggest to the kitten that he and Alonzo adopt him then what hope was there that he would be happy for that to happen?
Munk sighed as he allowed himself to feel more and more conflicted and continued to stare at his mate. A long time passed with the morning light gently penetrating the den and soon Alonzo opened his eyes. Munk could see they were red and around them the fur looked darker making the tom look tired and anguished. Once he had woken up a little more he looked at Munk and spread his lips thinly in a weak smile in greeting. Munk responded in kind and they shared a look of blankness. They both knew they had to hang onto what they had left: love. Despite how hard the night had been on all of them they knew they still had their love and were determined for it to overcome the sadness. What's more they knew they had to let Billy feel their love so he didn't feel he was alone through the struggle he was about to go through. Alonzo remained silent as he lay there. His mind began to wander and it wasn't long before he was wandering deep within his own mind in intense thought and contemplation.
Neither tom knew how long they had been looking at each other before they felt Billy stir between them. As soon as he began to move they both looked down and Munk loosened his grip so as not to hurt the poor boy. The kitten's bright blue eyes flickered open and contrasted against the red that surrounded them as he blinked up at the toms either side of him. The air in the den was thick with silence as he looked back and forth between them. Neither Munk nor Alonzo spoke as they watched him, they both felt too nervous that they might inadvertently hurt him. After a few painfully long moments Billy opened his mouth and crackled as he began to speak,
"Was it real?"
Munk looked up at Alonzo ruefully and then back at Billy,
"Yes, it was."
"Oh…" said Billy quietly as he looked back down. He didn't cry again, he simply stared into Munk's chest and the tabby could see he didn't know what to think. His mind started to race as he desperately clawed for anything to say and in the end he just settled for what he thought might be right.
"I'm very sorry, Billy. If there was anything I could do to bring her back then I would do it but I'm afraid I just can't. None of us can."
Silence again.
"Do you understand?" the tabby asked timidly
Billy nodded.
"Okay. Do you also realise that Alonzo and I are here to care for you and help you come to terms with it?"
Billy didn't really know what 'coming to terms' with something meant but he knew that the tabby and the patched tom were kind and loving. For the first time since he had been told his mother was dead he thought about what would happen to him now and it wasn't long before he decided to do whatever he was told. In reality what other choice did he have? He was just a kitten and he barely had any capacity to decide for himself what to do now so he innately knew just to go along with whatever was to happen. Besides, he trusted the two toms that held him and knew they would never do him any harm despite how it seemed the tabby had attempted to do so on several occasions. It was a good thing he was bright and knew to look beyond initial impressions – not that he'd know to call them that anyway. For a reason he couldn't decipher he felt safer when he was around them and since he felt as if he had lost everything he was glad that he found some comfort in those two.
As the three continued to lie together Munk really felt he ought to talk to the kitten more. The problem was that he was scared he would say something wrong and he really wanted to treat Billy properly. He knew he should have asked his father what to do in this situation but his over-eagerness had blinded him to practicality. Even so he gave it his best shot,
"Is there anything you'd like to do today, Billy?" he asked cautiously but gently
"No" responded the kitten quietly
"Are you sure? We could go somewhere if you like, anywhere you want."
"No, thank you"
"Is there anything we can get for you? Are you hungry or thirsty at all?"
"I don't think so"
"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
Billy didn't respond right away and Munk could see he was trying to think through the mess within him. A few seconds later he replied,
"No"
Munk narrowed his eyebrows but not in anger – more with sympathy, "Are you sure? You know, sometimes when you feel so mixed up inside it helps to talk about it in any way you can. Sometimes when you hear somebody repeat what you say back to you then it becomes clearer."
"Maybe later" said the black and white kitten vaguely
Munk looked up at his mate with an expression of near desperation. It seemed that he was failing to get through to the kitten and he really didn't know what to do. Alonzo – having listened to his mate all the while he had been trying to talk to Billy – could see the tabby was panicking. Inside he found it slightly amusing that for once it was Munk that was having trouble handling the situation and not him but that was overshadowed by the fact that he hadn't yet become completely involved. At first he had been apprehensive and that had now become deep contemplation. He felt a little guilty that Munk had needed to comfort him as well as Billy but in a way he was grateful that while the tabby had taken care of Billy he himself had been able to think about the situation without being too distracted. It was as if for the moment he was just observing and once he'd made a proper observation he would jump in to take the reins. This was not strictly the case as he didn't have a much better idea of what to do than Munk did. What can one do to help a grieving infant? Aside from staying close to them and constantly reminding them that they're loved there aren't many other options to pursue. What Alonzo did know is that Munk was beginning to go overboard and he knew what he had to do to help him. As he lay there he raised his paws up and placed them on the kitten. Slowly he pulled him closer to his body away from Munk and rubbed his fur gently as he held him in his arms. He then looked up at the tabby who appeared to look as if he had let all of them down. He gave his tom a gentle and warming smile in an attempt to comfort him and after a moment he spoke.
"We're just gonna have to wait it out, darling. He'll talk to us when he's ready but until then we just have to be here for him."
The tabby looked on edge as he replied, "I just wish there was something I could do."
"You're so caring, it's why I love you so much. Still, we mustn't be suffocating. I don't think it will be long before we see some light"
Munk just nodded glumly. He knew his mate was right but he still felt as if he wasn't doing his job properly. Hopefully keeping Billy from any more harm for the time being would satisfy his desire to fulfil his duty.
Billy had been listening to everything they had said but his mind had been cloudy. He knew they were talking about him but he didn't really care; he was too fixated on the loss of his mother. By now he had passed the need to cry so hard and in place of that was an unfathomable sea of mixed emotion that swirled around inside him. He was far too young to be dealing with this kind of turmoil but there was no way around it. Somehow he was going to have to get through this and lucky for him he had two wonderful toms to help him. What a shame he didn't know just how much they cared for him.
As the morning went on and the day started to heat up to an appropriate summer temperature the junkyard became as animated as usual. Tugger strutted around with a string of cats in tow, Jenny was shooting daggers at him from across the clearing as she sat with the other queens who chatted as always and to all of them everything seemed normal. What they didn't notice was Bomba sitting alone in the shadows as she watched the den of Munk and Alonzo intently. She didn't really know what had gone on in there but if Alonzo had reacted like that last night then it most certainly couldn't have been good. She desperately wanted to help but she knew she would just be getting in the way.
The red queen was distracted when she heard some of the kittens erupt gleefully when Old Deuteronomy entered the junkyard. She knew he must have been coming to find out how his son and his mate's talk with Billy had gone and she sighed as she realised it would be her that would have to brief him. Reluctantly she pushed herself to her paws and stepped out of the gloom into the sun. She walked slowly towards to the leader to give the other Jellicles enough time to greet him and move away and soon she was standing before him.
"Good morning, Bombalurina" said Old Deuteronomy brightly
The queen bowed as she responded, "Good morning, sir"
"I suppose you can guess why I'm here"
"Yes, sir. I'm afraid I don't know the details but I don't think it went too well"
The old tom looked glum as resigned to the report, "I thought it might go that way. Have you seen any of them this morning?"
"No, sir. The last I saw of Alonzo was late last night when he came out of the den for a breather after telling him. He was incredibly upset and he said Billy was distraught"
Old Deuteronomy nodded, "Where are they now?"
"In their den still. They haven't emerged yet as far as I can tell"
"Thank you. I think I'll go there now" With that he began to head over to the den and Bomba held onto his arm to steady him as he went. Carefully she helped him up the junk and then stood back to let him enter politely.
"Hello?" called the old tom quietly as he stepped into the shady den, "May I come in?"
When no answer came he decided to step in properly to get a good look at who was in there and Bomba timidly followed him as he went. Inside they saw Alonzo sitting cross-legged on the bed with Billy on his lap. The patched tom was rocking the kitten back and forth gently as he looked off into space with a very blank expression. Alonzo was looking over at Munk who had stood as he heard his father enter. Solemnly he bowed and did his best to look in order despite how strange he felt internally.
"Good morning, sir" he said in a low voice
"Dad" responded the leader
"Dad"
"How are you all today?" the old tom said addressing all of them. The tabby responded for everyone,
"A bit shaken but we're just taking it all as it comes."
"That's probably the best way. How are you, Billy?" the old tom said coming close to the bed and bending down to the kitten in Alonzo's arms. Billy looked up at the leader but didn't know what to say. He just stared up at him with big, blue eyes looking as if he wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words.
"It's okay. I understand" the old tom said, "Don't feel you have to behave a certain way, my boy, do whatever feels right"
The kitten nodded as he continued to look up. Old Deuteronomy smiled back down at him lovingly. In his experience he had found that kittens responded well to positive expressions and it let them know that you meant well. He made a mental note to tell his son that later as if his observations were correct the tabby was certainly having a tough time keeping control. Turning around he looked at his son and nodded towards to door. Munk complied and walked towards it followed by his father. They stepped out leaving Bomba and Alonzo alone with Billy in the quiet den. The queen felt quite awkward as she experienced the mood that hung in the air but she decided she ought to stick around at least until Munk got back. She made her way over to the bed and sat down a little way from Alonzo who watched her as she went. She smiled at him, he smiled back and it wasn't long before she found words coming to her more easily.
"How was the rest of the night?"
"Rocky, I suppose. Didn't sleep very well but then again I don't think any of us did."
"Well that's understandable. Did he get any rest?" she said lowering her voice as she spoke about Billy and pointed to him when he wasn't looking.
"Some. I think he was exhausted from the crying"
"I didn't think crying made you tired" piped up Billy all of a sudden as he continued to stare straight ahead into the air. Alonzo and Bomba looked at each other with surprise and it was Bomba who responded first after a moment of confusion,
"Well, yes, it does. Especially when it's over something really sad"
"I still feel tired"
"You know, you could sleep more if you like"
"I don't want to sleep"
"Is there anything you want to do?"
"No"
The queen stopped at the bluntness of his response. She didn't really know how to continue without badgering. Alonzo – having been thinking some more – jumped in. He decided to be a little more frank, after all kittens' minds are quite simple and maybe not asking Billy simple questions was the main issue when trying to get through to him.
"What are you thinking, Billy?"
"About mummy"
"What about her?"
"What she looked like. What she sounded like. What she smelt like"
"Would you tell us about her?"
Billy was quiet for a moment but his expression didn't change, "She was very pretty. She was always nice and never got cross. She never went away…until that day when she did"
"She sounds quite lovely"
"She's gone now…" trailed the kitten
Alonzo sighed, "I'm afraid so, Billy. It's horrible but in time we just have to try and work past it"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean that you won't feel sad forever and in a while you'll feel better again. I'm sure you'll always remember and love her but eventually you'll come to only hold onto the happy memories. That's what you have to do: remember the happy memories instead of the sad feelings you have now because those are the ones that mean a lot."
"I've tried" said Billy and Alonzo heard noticeable emotion I his voice, "but I just can't forget that she's dead"
"Well, I'm afraid you never will, Billy. She can't come back and that's why it's so important to remember how lovely she was"
"Do you mean it?" the kitten asked looking up at Alonzo. The patched tom smiled down at him caringly,
"Absolutely. Isn't that right, Bomba?"
"Oh yes" said the queen who had been watching intently as her friend had somehow had some success in talking to Billy.
"See? It'll get better, Billy. I promise"
"You really, really promise?"
"Of course I do"
"Okay" whispered the kitten.
"Why don't you tell us a funny story about you and her? It might remind you of how good she was"
Billy thought for a moment, "I can't remember…"
"Oh, I'm sure you can" said Alonzo encouragingly, "Did she take you anywhere or do anything that was really fun?"
"…She used to help me chase mice"
"Great! Tell us how that went"
"No, it's silly…" said Billy shying away
"Aw, come on! It sounds great, doesn't it, Bomba?"
"Yeah. I'd like to hear about it" said the queen putting on her most interested-sounded voice.
Billy looked between them for a moment and then begun gingerly
"Okay, well…"
Old Deuteronomy stood with his sun a short way from the den and looked him over solemnly. He could see his son was a little worse for wear and truly understood just how ragged he felt. Fortunately he knew him very well and was a master at speaking straight to his heart. He felt this was one of those times when he needed to do just that,
"You feel rather put out by all of this, don't you?"
The silver tabby looked up at him and sighed shallowly, "I didn't think he would react as badly as he did"
"How bad was it?"
"He absolutely went to pieces. I didn't know what to do so I just held him until he stopped. I felt like such an idiot"
"Why?"
"Because I should've known what to do, I mean, we're meant to be adopting him and a parent should know how to make a kitten stop crying"
"Well, put yourself in his shoes, my boy. Wouldn't you fall apart if you found your mother had died?"
Munk took a moment to respond, "…I wouldn't know" he said grimly. Old Deuteronomy knew it might have been a touchy thing to say as soon as he said it but still he pressed on.
"You understand what I mean though, don't you? Just think how hard it is for a kitten to try to understand that their mother is dead"
"I do understand, that's not the problem. My problem is that I don't know what to do about it"
"Munkust-"
"I mean, come on! I really thought I'd be good at this but I haven't the first clue"
"Mun-"
"Maybe I'm not ready afterall"
"Munkustrap, will you be quiet for a moment so I can speak? Of course you don't know how to handle that, nobody does. Death is such a mysterious thing and I don't think I've ever met anyone that understands it very well, let alone someone that knows how to deal with it properly. It's not for you to know how to fix Billy's sadness and you shouldn't preoccupy yourself with doing that. What you ought to do is make him feel safe and loved"
Munk was quiet for a moment and looked down slightly, "I'm trying"
"I'm sure you are" said Old Deuteronomy kindly, "the important thing is that you don't let yourself think that none of it's worth anything. Kittens need encouragement before they start to show any signs of improvement so don't fret. Things will get better for him, I promise they will"
"You're sure?" asked Munk with a hint of hope
"My son, I'm positive" said the old tom smiling. Munk looked up at him and felt warmed by his smile. He knew his father always spoke sense so maybe his advice was exactly the right thing.
"Okay. Thanks"
After spending a little more time talking Old Deuteronomy and Munk went back to the den with the latter feeling a little better. They both were quite surprised by what they saw: Billy was sitting in Alonzo's lap and they were looking at each other happily. Bomba was watching them and this would all have been quite normal is it hadn't been for the fact that they all were laughing together. Munk was honestly stunned by such a massive change in the mood and he wondered if he'd missed something crucial. Instantly he tuned into their conversation just as Billy was finishing,
"…and then it ran into a tin can. I tried to look inside but my head got stuck and I ran into a wall. Mummy sounded so worried and it took ages to get it off"
Alonzo was having trouble keeping his sides from splitting as he listened to the hilarious story,
"And what happened to the mouse?"
"It went in my mouth and popped out just as she got the can off of my head"
That was the last blow for Alonzo and Bomba and they fell to pieces with laughter. Billy smiled down at them as they reacted so warmly to his story and as such he felt happier than he had been a short while ago. Alonzo was right: it did feel good to be remembering his mother in a positive way and while he remembered she was gone he still felt like she was somehow nearby. He felt glad the tom that looked so much like him had introduced him to this new way of thinking about her and while it went on he felt very close to him. Alonzo was just glad to see the kitten smile once more and really felt like they were bonding despite the uncomfortable circumstances. He hoped Billy would soon recover and didn't want to rush him so in the meantime he would happily go along with whatever it was that made the kitten happy.
Munk was still quite amazed by the sight. He stood watching them and it wasn't long before Billy noticed him standing in front of them with his father,
"Where did you go?" he asked more confidently
"Just outside for some air, Billy."
"That sounds good. Can I go as well?"
"Umm, if you want to" said Munk holding out his paw for the kitten to take. Billy climbed off of Alonzo who was still chuckling quietly with Bomba and took the tabby's outstretched paw. Munk smiled down at Billy and lead him to the doorway where they stepped out into the day together. As they left Old Deuteronomy turned to his son-in-law and the red queen and smiled with them. He didn't need to know what they were laughing at, all he knew was that they were getting through to the kitten in a positive way and that was just brilliant.
Outside Munk watched Billy carefully as he looked around the clearing. The kitten took in the sight of the place that he supposed would now be his new home and then paused. Was this really going to be his new home? Would they even let him stay now that they knew his mother was dead? They didn't have to take care of him by any means so who was to say they wouldn't send him on his way?
Munk saw the kitten's expression become suddenly timid again and asked him about it,
"What's wrong, Billy?"
The kitten looked up at him cautiously and gulped before he spoke,
"What's going to happen to me now, Munk?"
"What do you mean?"
"Now that my mummy's not here what will I do?"
"Do you mean where you will live?"
The kitten nodded.
"Well, you'll live here from now on if you want to. I'd really like it if you lived here with us"
"Where will I sleep?"
"You can live with me and Alonzo if you like. We can dig out a space for you in the junk in our den and it could be like a little hideaway for you"
"Really?"
"If you'd like to. Would you like to live with us?"
"Yes, please" said Billy gladly. Munk felt great, he was so happy that he was getting closer to being the kitten's father.
"Great. Well, we'll make a start this afternoon and you know you'll be welcome in our den for as long as you want. There will always be a home for you with me and Alonzo, Billy, do you know that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean that Alonzo and I will always be around for you no matter what happens. We'll always keep you safe and make sure you're happy and you'll never have to worry about a thing."
Billy looked away for a moment in thought and then returned his gaze, "You'll be like mummy?"
Munk's heart leapt into his throat and he had to contain his excitement, "Yes. Just like mummy if you'd like"
"Okay" replied Billy with a smile. He didn't understand how much what he'd agreed to meant to the tabby but he could see he was happy. He knew he must have said something right so he smiled wider as the tabby bent down to hug him tightly.
The afternoon came and strangely Billy seemed to become quite introverted once again. Munk and Alonzo were quite confused by the sudden change but eventually just went along with it. They did their best to talk to the kitten with little response but they constantly reminded each other that he would be acting strangely for a while. Munk told Alonzo about what his father had said and they agreed that they ought to be as strong as possible until Billy decided for himself that he wanted to move on. They realised how silly they had been to assume he might have been able to handle it when they told him and decided from there on out they would try to gauge the kitten's reactions properly.
When the night came Munk and Alonzo decided to turn in early for Billy's sake so he could have a proper night's rest after the previous evenings debacle. It didn't take long for Alonzo and Billy to fall asleep and Munk continued to watch them for a while as they dreamed. He was always on the lookout to keep them safe and felt quite glad that he could make sure they went to sleep without any harm around. However, in the middle of the night the silver tabby was woken by a stifled sniffling and he opened his eyes to see Billy crying softly between him and Alonzo. Gently he reached down to him and pulled the kitten closer into his fur who clung on tightly when he felt his protector comfort him. Munk continued to hug him until he felt him become still once again and drift off to sleep once more.
The next few days went by in much the same fashion. Billy would have good spells and bad spells and would often wake Munk up in the night when he started to sob. Night time was the hardest part for Billy as he always used to sleep close to his mother when she had been alive and that was where he used to feel his safest. It felt awful to wake up and remember that she was gone but he felt a similar kind of comfort when Munk and Alonzo would hold him. The feeling of safety was the best thing he received from them and whenever he experienced it he treasured the moment just like he used to with the queen that had given him life.
A week passed before Billy made it a whole night without waking up sobbing yet incidentally on the same night Munk got no sleep at all. He was becoming accustomed to waking up to the sound of Billy's cries in the night and it felt out of place that the same thing wasn't happening anymore. He was glad though, it meant he was getting used to his new life and would soon be back to his old self.
It seemed a long time had passed since Billy had first been told of his mother's death many days ago. On this particular morning he woke up to Munk and Alonzo still asleep and as he lay between them he began to feel surprisingly restless. With great care not to wake them he rose up from between them and stepped off of the bed. Silently he made his way over to the doorway and jumped out without a sound. Outside he was the first one awake that morning and climbed down from the junk in the eerie morning quietness. The air was cool but had the wonderful scent of summer hanging in it and it filled Billy with energy. For the first time since his world had fallen apart he found some renewed joie de vivre within and began hopping around happily. It felt strange to be doing so for some reason but he didn't really mind. He almost felt as if he shouldn't be doing what he was doing and was a little conflicted. Anyone observing would know that the kitten had unwillingly done a lot of growing up in the past seven days and had needed to learn one of life's hardest lessons at an age which was grossly inappropriate. It was a cruel twist of fate that Billy had to lose a part of his kittenhood so abruptly and even crueller that it made him feel silly to play around like he used to. Still, he hopped along and jumped around. If he didn't feel like he should be having fun then he knew he deserved to be. He had been hanging around with Munk and Alonzo for days now and he was starting to miss his friends. He wanted to play with them and have fun again and so brushing his doubts aside he ran in the direction of his friends' homes.
Through quick searching the first kitten he found was Jemima who he jumped on gleefully. The sleeping young queen jolted from her sleep and looked around frantically as her eyes adjusted to the light. Her tail puffed up in reaction to the danger and the sight made Billy laugh. Poor Jemima had no idea whatsoever was going on and she sat down looking rather confused and very embarrassed at her reaction to the intrusion. She was a polite young kitten and nowhere near as brash as Pounce or Tumble. With an incredibly sweet smile and bright eyes she spoke to the kitten who had invaded her home,
"That wasn't very nice"
Billy chuckled as he replied, "Your tail looks like a fir tree!"
"Well that's what happens when you jump on cats who are sleeping. Where have you been anyway?"
"What?"
"Why haven't you been around?"
Billy felt a little uneasy but for some reason it felt much easier to talk to Jemima than it did to anyone else.
"My mummy died and I've been hanging around with Munk and Alonzo"
"She died?" asked Jemima tentatively
"Yeah…"
"How?"
"Munk said Macavity killed her"
"Oh…that's horrible"
"Mmm"
Jemima wondered what she ought to do, she'd never been told about someone's mother being killed before. Without really having a clue she turned around and grabbed a small cloth mouse she had found in the junk one day. She held out the brightly coloured albeit a big raggedy toy to Billy and offered it to him,
"Do you want this?"
Billy took it and examined the item. He had no idea why but he instinctively rolled onto his side and began pawing at it frantically. It made him happy and he loved how it flew around as he played with it.
Jemima smiled and knew she had done something right. The mouse always made her feel happy too and found it a no-brainer that it would cheer Billy up as well. Not that he seemed all that sad mind you. She didn't know what it was like to loose a mother but she knew it can't have been good. Billy seemed to be taking it well though so maybe it wasn't all that bad.
"Do you miss her?" she asked
"Yes" said Billy as he continued to paw at the mouse, "but I haven't seen her for so long anyway. I never thought she could die"
"What do you think happens to you when you die?"
"I don't know"
"Do you think cats go to the Heaviside layer?"
"The what?"
"The Heaviside Layer"
"What's that?"
Jemima was quiet for a moment, she'd never really thought about it and she tried to remember what it was Munk said about it during the Jellicle Balls she had been at.
"Well, it's kind of like…full of wonders and stuff"
"Like what?"
"I dunno. Good things"
"Where is it?"
"It's up there" she said pointing to the ceiling. Billy looked and puzzled,
"Up where?"
"In the sky"
"Well how can anyone get up there?" he asked matter-of-factly
"On clouds"
Billy was confused and thought Jemima must have been joking. What she was saying didn't seem at all possible and it didn't seem likely that his mother was somewhere up in the sky. He'd never seen her fly before and doubted very much that cats were able to.
"Alright, whatever you say. Do you want to go outside?"
"Yes, I suppose so" the queen said getting up with a yawn. Together they left her little hideaway.
As the day went on Munk and Alonzo found themselves sitting together on the big tyre watching out over everything that was going on. They had awoken to find Billy missing and had initially panicked but decided that he probably wanted some space. They were desperate for him to recover so they knew that they ought to let the kitten deal with the situation in any way he felt comfortable. Their troubles were put at ease when they noticed the kittens enter the clearing making their usual commotion and were glad to see Billy among them. They smiled as they watched him laugh and jump around like his usual self and happily sat back as the kittens enjoyed their games. It wasn't long before lunchtime came and Jenny bustled them inside for some milk and a nap. The two toms on the tyre watched the kittens go and once they had disappeared they started to talk once again.
"He seems to be doing well, don't you think?" said Alonzo
"It would appear that way. Surely he can't have forgotten about it already" suggested Munk
"No, certainly not. Maybe he's coming to terms with it and moving on"
"He always did seem quite an intuitive little thing despite his age"
"Exactly how old is he?"
"I don't know, I've never asked"
"Do you think he even knows?"
"I bet he does. Every kitten knows when their birthday is. You certainly used to"
"Damn right! I wasn't gonna let anyone forget to give me a present!"
Munk laughed as he remembered how frantic Alonzo used to be around his birthday, "We'll ask him sometime once we've…you know"
"Asked to adopt him?"
Munk was quiet. It always sounded so strange to hear or say that. Does one ask a child to adopt them or is the child told? He didn't know. He had been puzzling over it for a while but still came no closer to an answer than when he started.
The night came and for once the pair didn't go to bed right away. Billy had elected to stay with Jemima that night and they had scampered off long before Munk or Alonzo had a chance to ask him if he was okay. They assumed he was and decided not to worry; if he was with his friend and having a good time then that was the most important thing. For the first time in a week Munk and Alonzo had some alone time together and they spent it just talking and keeping close. It felt nice to be able to be with the one each of them loved and just be, especially since now they understood just how important these moments were. Then again a spell under Macavity's 'care' would have given any cat reason to appreciate life and how quickly it can be taken away. They weren't thinking about that much anymore though, they were firmly looking ahead and were both excited for their future. All they had to do was get over this one hurdle of asking the question and then the sky would be the limit.
When the morning came they decided to get an hour or two of sleep before they had to get up. Preparations for the next Jellicle Ball were to start the next day and they just knew there would be far more stress than either of them desired.
"Right then" shrieked Jenny, "here's what I think should happen…"
The queen had wasted no time in gathering most of the Jellicles into the clearing to tell them her ideas for the upcoming ball. The tabby queen prattled on and on about what had happened in previous years and many of the spectators lost interest very quickly. Tugger sat at the back with a gaggle of kittens draped around him, Jemima and Etcetera were hanging on either side trying to cover more of the Coon than each other and Tugger was certainly not complaining. It felt good to him to have several queens wanting him as their own and all the while knowing that he would never settle down with any one cat. Jenny soon noticed this and shot him her iciest glare which unfortunately for her he had grown immune to from years of receiving it. It wasn't long before bickering amongst the Jellicles arose and as usual in these meetings things fell to pieces.
Munk and Alonzo – having heard the sound from inside their den – knew what the ruckus meant and reluctantly showed their faces.
"Is it that time of year already?" asked the sleepy, patched tom
"Sounds like it" groaned Munk. He really did not like having to wrangle the cats he protected back into order when anarchy ensued but knew it was all part of the job when it came to the Ball.
Silently the pair made their way over to where Jenny was trying to keep order on the big tyre and quickly relieved her. Munk took charge of the proceedings right away and in seconds everyone was quiet and listening to him set out preliminary plans. Alonzo sat behind him leaning his head on his paw and yawning widely as he barely paid attention. His eyes scanned the Jellicles lazily and he picked out what each and every one of them was doing. Unsurprisingly Tugger was still covered in kittens, Tumble and Pounce were roughhousing and trying their best not to be seen doing so, the queens sat together and chatted under their breath and Bomba looked over at him with the same look of boredom. They shared a mutual distaste for having to sit through these meetings but had never really shared their feelings with one another before. It was nice to know that Jellicles other than he hated pretending to listen.
As he continued to look around he eventually focused on Billy who was sitting near the rest of the kittens. The strange thing was that he was locked intently on Munk with his head cocked to one side and his eyes slightly squinted. Alonzo found it an incredibly curious pose and straightened himself up to get a better view. Billy looked incredibly confused but also too timid to ask anyone around him what was going on. Alonzo thought for a few more minutes and looked over at Munk as well as behind him to see if there was anything the kitten might have been staring at. When he noticed nothing out of the ordinary he quietly picked himself up and stepped down from the tyre. Without causing a disturbance he walked around the edge of the group and sat down next to Billy whilst putting an arm around him.
"Are you alright?" he whispered to the kitten as Munk went on
"What is he talking about?" asked the kitten quietly
"Oh, just the Jellicle Ball"
"What's that?"
"Hasn't anyone told you? The Ball we have every summer?"
"Like a ping-pong ball?" asked Billy innocently and looking up at Alonzo with a tiny flicker of hope
Alonzo had to suppress a snigger at the question. He loved it when Billy came up with these sorts of things.
"No. Come with me and I'll tell you" said Alonzo as he got up quietly and led Billy away. He took the kitten around a corner so they wouldn't be disturbing the group and together they climbed up one of the junk piles so they could sit and look out to the horizon.
"So no one's ever told you about the Jellicle Ball?" asked Alonzo unbelievingly
"Nope. So is it like a football instead?"
"No. It's more like a party, but not entirely. It's got more structure than that and there's lots of dancing"
"Dancing?"
"Yes. Loads of it. You'll feel absolutely exhausted once it's over"
"So is it just dancing?"
"No, that's only a part of it. The point of the Ball is so Old Deuteronomy can choose one us to go to the Heaviside layer. Do you know what that is?"
"Yep. It's up there and fancy or something" said the kitten pointing to the sky
Alonzo chuckled, "I'd say that's about right. Anyway, once a year we have the Ball so some of us can try and convince Old Deuteronomy to choose one of us to go up there"
"Why?"
"So we can begin a new Jellicle life. It's usually one of the oldest Jellicles that goes since they've lived a long life anyway"
"Anyway?"
"Well, yes. Otherwise they'd have to wait until they die before they can go to Heaviside"
Billy thought for a moment, "Jellicles go to the Heaviside Layer when they die…"
"That's right"
"Do other cats go there too?"
Alonzo paused and looked up before responding, "I imagine so…I can't think why they wouldn't"
"Do you think my mummy's up there?"
"Oh I see…" said Alonzo. He realised then that he should have known that the conversation would head that way and knew he had to be careful not to upset the kitten. "Well…was she a good cat?"
"I think so. How do you know?"
"Well, was she kind and happy? Was she always nice?"
"Yes! All the time!"
"Then I imagine she's up there right now" said Alonzo happily.
"Really? Where?"
"Well, we can't see them. It's a long way up, way past the moon"
"Wow" said Billy quietly. He was absolutely astounded that such things could happen but he wouldn't dare question them. "Does that mean she can't see me either?"
"I think they can still see us. I'm not sure how it works but I've always believed they can see us. If the Everlasting Cat can see us from all the way up there then I imagine those who go up can see us too"
"What's the Everlasting Cat?"
"Oh, he's…I mean she's…well…". Alonzo had to take a moment as he was not entirely sure himself. "The Everlasting Cat is everything. He or she is the cat that gives us life and everything in it. He or she makes everything happen and cares for us always"
"What does it look like?"
"I don't know, you can't see him or her. He or she is mystical and divine and we won't know what he or she looks like until we get up there ourselves"
"So we all go up there?"
"I think so and I reckon your mum's up there right now watching you"
"So she's still alive?" asked Billy hopefully
"Well, in some way" said Alonzo carefully, "but not in the way like you and me are alive. She died in this life but I reckon she's alive in another one"
"I don't understand" said Billy looking a little deflated. Alonzo saw this and hugged him
"We're not meant to understand, we're just meant to live. We'll find out one day what all of it means but until then we should just enjoy life and love each other"
"Oh…" trailed Billy. At least there was a reason he couldn't answer his questions. "Well at least she's somewhere"
"Yep, and I bet she'll always be looking after you"
"You think so?"
"I'm sure"
"I wish I could still see her"
"Well you can still talk to her, you know?"
Billy looked at Alonzo and narrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"Well, it's called praying. If you ever want to talk to her then all you have to do is find somewhere quiet, close your eyes, think of her and talk to her. You can talk to her and the Everlasting Cat and they'll hear you"
"Will she talk back?"
"I don't think so but it's still a way you can talk to her if you want to"
"Huh…" said Billy as he looked away in deep thought. Was what Alonzo said right? It sounded strange but he had given him a way to talk to his mother and he wasn't about to let that go so easily.
"Does any of this make you feel any different?" asked Alonzo when Billy didn't say anything for a while.
"I don't know. I need to think about it"
"Okay. Let me know if there's anything else you want to know"
"Okay…"
About an hour later Munk wrapped up what he had been saying. By that time it seemed he had lost everyone's interest and they were hanging on out of courtesy and respect. Everyone hated the planning part of the Ball but they loved the doing part. It was always so much fun but they knew they had to go through the boring part first. A little while ago he had seen Alonzo come back with Billy and wondered what they had been talking about. When he dismissed the Jellicles he took his mate aside and asked him what had gone on.
"He was asking about the Jellicle Ball" said Alonzo, "I was just telling him and then we got onto Heaviside and stuff. I can't believe no one told him about the Ball before"
"I see" said Munk, "was that all?"
"Mmhmm. I'm gonna find Bomba, do you want to come?"
Munk was about to respond but then he saw Billy across the clearing. He was walking away alone on one of the junkyard's many trails and he became a little worried.
"No, that's alright, you go. I've got some other bits and pieces to do"
"Alright, see you in a bit"
With that Alonzo skipped off merrily leaving Munk to look out for Billy. The kitten had disappeared by that point and so Munk decided to follow him down the trail he had taken. He also decided he would act very discreetly so he could watch Billy without him knowing. While he was worried he was also curious and really wanted to see what was going to happen.
Billy wandered quietly down the trail and looked around for a secluded spot. He had been thinking for a while about what Alonzo had said to him about the Heaviside Layer, the Everlasting Cat and praying but was still quite unsure. He decided to give it a shot and soon found himself in a small clearing a way out from the main clearing in the junkyard. He looked around to make sure he was absolutely alone and then sat on the ground cross-legged.
Munk – having been very careful not to be seen as he followed Billy – crept up behind the junk and peered over very carefully. He had always been good at keeping a low profile and now just watched the kitten as he sat down. He was very confused by the way Billy was behaving and wondered what on earth he was going to do next.
Billy stared straight ahead into the junk and tried to remember what it was Alonzo had told him to do. As he thought he looked up into the sky and wondered again if his mother was really up there watching him. It seemed quite impossible but Alonzo had told him that it was okay not to understand. With a deep breath he closed his eyes and focused on the image of his mother. It was surprising to find that the memory of her was no longer as strong as it used to be and it took him a moment to get a clear image in his mind.
"Mummy?" he whispered quietly into the silent summer air. Right away he opened his eyes and looked up wondering if maybe she would appear out of nowhere. When he found the same blue sky above him he closed his eyes again and spoke a little louder.
"Mummy? Are you there?"
Once again he opened his eyes and looked up. When nothing came he lowered his gaze and thought again. Alonzo had said that she probably wouldn't talk back but she could still hear him. Was that right? Could that actually happen? Swallowing hard he closed his eyes once more and began to talk for a third time,
"It's me. I'm here. I'm okay"
He didn't really know what to say and felt a little silly for it. He hadn't realised that this might be so hard and he scrunched up his nose as he tried to think of what to say. Eventually some words came,
"I miss you…I really wish you were here"
Munk bit his lip as he listened to the kitten. He was amazed that Billy knew how to pray and felt deeply awed by how profound it was.
Billy carried on, "I wish you hadn't gone out that day. I was really scared when you didn't come back and I went looking for you. I wish you weren't…dead, I want you here to look after me"
Munk closed his eyes and sighed silently as he listened to Billy's lament. He really felt for him.
"But it's okay though, Munk and Alonzo are looking after me. They're really nice and I think you'd like them. I suppose I'll live here now because they said I could if I wanted to and they said I could stay in their den too. I hope you think that's okay"
Munk smiled weakly. He was glad the kitten liked him and his mate and it made him feel better about the way Billy felt.
"Alonzo said you'd always be here for me so I know I'll be alright here. If you ever want to talk back to me then I'll listen…"
There was only silence as Billy waited for a response.
"…Don't worry. I love you mummy. Lots and lots."
Munk was overcome. That last thing that Billy said really tugged on his heart and he knew he had to get away quickly to avoid disturbing the kitten if he let out the emotion. Very carefully he climbed back down the junk and padded silently from the small clearing Billy was sitting in. He made sure he was far enough away and out of sight before he let out some of his strife. What Billy had displayed back there were the very feelings he felt in his soul. To hear the kitten pray to Heaviside was something Munk had never expected to see any kitten do so seriously and it was a very emotional moment for him to witness. He wished he could bring Billy's mother back for him but he simply couldn't. He could only do what was best and that's how he reaffirmed in himself the reason he was adopting him. Billy had said he liked them and that meant the world to the tabby. All he wanted to do was keep him safe and loved and to know that the kitten was open to that was amazing. After a few moments he wiped a few small tears away and straightened himself up. He shook his head vigorously and cleared his throat in order to compose himself and then turned back towards the main clearing. On the way he decided that tomorrow he would do what he had to do. It was time.
"Everlasting Cat, give me strength"
Alonzo was chatting happily with Bomba on top of a junk pile above the clearing. The red queen was telling Alonzo how annoyed she got with Tugger this time of year due to the stepping-up of his flirtatiousness. It pained her to admit it but she was always rife with jealousy whenever another cat grinded up against him and the big problem was that he never seemed to care how that might make her feel. Alonzo just let her talk as he tried to keep up with her pace. He found it difficult for two reasons: she was going incredibly fast and in all honestly he didn't really care. He knew she was making mountains out of molehills but since they had now become good friends he didn't want to intentionally aggravate her.
Bomba was still going on when Alonzo noticed his mate come back into the clearing. He diverted his attention fully when he noticed the tabby looked slightly less bouncy than usual – a change that any other cat would fail to notice since Munk was hardly what you'd call bouncy. Bomba stopped when she noticed Alonzo wasn't paying her any attention any more and she pouted while her companion looked out across the clearing. Alonzo waved to Munk to let him know where he was and the silver tabby quickly made his way over to him. He climbed the junk quickly and before Alonzo had a chance to greet him he was wrapped in the tabby's arms. He took a moment to figure out what had happened and then returned the hug.
"What's this for?" he asked with surprise
"Things are just really good" the tabby responded
"Anything in particular?"
"Yes" said Munk as he released his mate and kissed him quickly. "I think tomorrow should be the day"
"The day for what?"
"The day to tell Billy we'd like to adopt him"
Bomba suddenly stopped pouting and squeaked happily earning her a happy glance from Munk and a confused one from Alonzo.
"Do you really think so?" Alonzo asked uncertainly
"Darling, up to this point I haven't been more sure. A little while ago I followed him when he was walking away and I found him praying"
"I see" said Alonzo with a knowing smile
"He was praying to his mother. He said he missed her and loved her but also that he loves being here and that he really likes you and I"
"He really said that?"
"Yes. That's why I think it's time to tell him"
Alonzo thought for a moment and weighed up his opinions. On the one paw he really wanted to tell Billy because he was quite excited to become a father but on the other paw he didn't want to rush him into doing something he didn't want to do. He turned to the queen beaming beside them,
"What do you think, Bomba?"
"I think you should have done it already by now. I would have"
Alonzo took a deep breath and then looked back as his expectant mate,
"Alright. Let's do it"
Munk didn't have time to react properly before Bomba let out a shriek and pulled them both into a bear hug. Behind her back they looked at each and smiled; they were about to become fathers.
Neither of them slept very well that night, they were too excited but nervous at the same time. Billy had chosen to sleep with them that evening and they both watched him dream soundly. They whispered to each other as they lay there about all the things they wanted to do with Billy once everything was done and dusted although in their hearts they knew that all of it depended on whether or not Billy accepted their offer. Without waking the kitten they interlinked paws and gazed into each other's eyes until they both drifted off. Tomorrow was going to be a big day and they wanted it to go as smoothly as possible.
When the morning came Munk blinked awake at first light. From the second he was conscious he was stricken with a cold feeling that lingered within him. He really hoped he wasn't getting cold feet about what they'd chosen to do and had to take a few silent moments to reassure himself that it was the right thing. Shortly, Alonzo woke up and then Billy did the same once the patched tom started moving. The kitten yawned and rolled around lazily in his position and both Munk and Alonzo found it adorable. Billy was the type of kitten that could make a cat's heart melt just by blinking and both toms felt a tiny bit less worried about their decision.
"Good morning, Billy" said Munk softly when the kitten looked up at, "Did you sleep well?"
"Mmm" moaned the kitten as he stretched his arms up into the air before letting them flop back down.
"Are you ready to get up yet?"
"I suppose"
Munk sat up and helped the kitten do the same before he stepped off of the bed. He helped Billy down who happily scampered out of the den as soon as he hit the floor. He always liked to be the first one in the clearing in the morning as it made him feel somehow important, as if the day couldn't begin without his presence or something like that. Munk turned back to Alonzo who was straining as he pushed himself up. He was quite a lazy cat when he wanted to be but that was just another thing that Munk loved about him. He walked around to Alonzo's side of the bed and offered a paw to help him up. The patched tom took it and they shared a quick kiss before following Billy out the door. When they got outside they looked around the empty junkyard in the early morning light wondering where that kitten had gotten to. Alonzo took advantage of the privacy they were afforded to ask his mate a question,
"Ready?"
"Ready" responded the tabby, "You?"
"Yes"
As if on cue Billy seemed to bound out of nowhere and with him he was carrying two rats by the tail.
"I got these for you" he said loudly and bursting with pride.
"Wow, Billy. Have you been practicing?" asked Alonzo enthusiastically
"Yep. I'm much better at it than Pounce and Tumble now!"
"Thank you very much for these" said Munk taking them and setting them aside, "How about we go for a walk before breakfast?"
"Alright. Where?"
"How about the park?"
"Okay!" he said before quickly darting off towards the entrance to the junkyard. Munk and Alonzo bolted after him and had trouble keeping up. He was quite quick for his age and both of them knew that when he started running he was a pest to keep track of.
It wasn't long before they found themselves entering the park where they had first found him and together they ran around enjoying themselves. After a while they approached the climbing frame where Billy had first come into their lives and standing in a line they all looked up at it solemnly. Each of them had a different mix of feelings towards the structure as it meant something different to each of them. Munk was the first one to break his gaze and catching his mate's eye he gave him a smile. Now was the time.
"Billy, come sit with us. There's something we'd like to talk to you about"
The black and white kitten hit the ground before either of them did and he gazed up at them expectantly and full of life. Munk tried to resist smiling too widely at his bright, young face and eventually found enough strength to keep himself calm. He began,
"Now, Billy, there's something we've been meaning to ask you for quite a long time. It's not a bad thing but it's quite serious so you need to pay attention and tell us exactly what you think, okay?"
"Okay" said the kitten confusedly
"Good. Now, you've been living with us for a very long time and over that time Alonzo and I have become very fond of you. We love you an awful lot and we're so glad we were able to save you when you got lost. We were so happy when you said you'd like to live with us and we want you to know that we'll always be here for you. Do you understand that?"
"Yes" said Billy positively. Alonzo took over,
"Munk and I remember just how hard it was for you to deal with learning that your mummy was gone and we found it really hard to see you so upset. Neither Munk or I ever want to see you that unhappy ever again and we're going to make sure that you're never lonely and that you have everything you want. Does that sound good?"
"I think so" said the kitten as he tried to keep up, "Why are you telling me all this?"
Munk and Alonzo looked at each other and the patched tom gave the other a small nod. Munk turned to Billy and looked him in the eye,
"Billy, Alonzo and I have been thinking and we've agreed that we'd like to adopt you. Do you know what that means?"
Billy shook his head.
"Well, it means that if you'd like we would become your parents. We feel bad that you don't have your mum around any more and so we'd like to step in for her and give you just as much love as she did"
Billy was quiet for a moment before responding, "What do you mean?"
"It means that Alonzo and I would be your dads. We'd be like your mum was before she died"
"Dads?" said the kitten inquisitively.
"That's right" said Alonzo
"I never met my dad…" There was a long pause before he continued, "You both want to be my dad?"
"If you'd like that, yes"
"Would either of you be my mummy?"
The toms looked at each other and gawked for a moment before Munk jumped in, "Well, I don't think so. I don't think either of us could take the place of your mummy. She'll always be there for you I'm sure and in the meantime Alonzo and I will be just like she was. Does that sound nice?"
"I'm not sure…" said the kitten as he thought about the offer. Munk and Alonzo grew nervous as they feared rejection; what would they do if he said no? A few more moments passed before the kitten spoke again, "Would anything change?"
"Well, you could call us both dad, or daddy, or father if you like. We'll tell you all the time that we love you and above all we'll all be a family together"
"A family…" said Billy before a smile spread across his lips, "I don't think I've ever had one of those before"
"So what do you say?" asked Alonzo nervously.
There was silence as the kitten looked between them and thought through what they'd offered him. Time seemed to slow down and both toms leant forward as he opened his mouth to give an answer.
"I'd like that"
Munk and Alonzo instantly exploded with joy and pulled the kitten into the most loving hug that up until then they had only ever given each other. They rocked back and forth with Billy as they laughed and cried with delight on the cool grass as the sun began to rise. That day was truly a wonderful day as it was the day their family was started. They were all so happy to be together and nothing would ever break the bond they felt grow between them. They all loved each other so much and in their own ways they strengthened each other's lives to no end. Truly there was never a more perfect trio and when they got back to the junkyard to tell everyone else there was absolute jubilation. The whole tribe was so happy to hear what had been decided and the entire day was filled with celebration for the new family in the junkyard.
High up, above the world, the sun and the moon the Everlasting Cat smiled down upon them with Billy's mother. The queen was happy her kitten would grow up in the love of not one but two parents that she could no longer give directly to him and was greatly indebted to Munk and Alonzo for showing such compassion and selflessness to her child. Together with the Everlasting Cat she would always be looking out for them and guiding their paths.
And there it is. Munk and Alonzo have finally adopted Billy and none of them could be happier. Ain't it nice when things end well?
Only one more to go now, kind of an Epilogue so look out for it. I'm sure it won't take as long as this one did.
Thanks so much for reading and actually making it through. I know it's a mission to get through something this long. Please review. x