Just over a month later, Justin walks up the black spiral staircase from the Sub Station, and announces to Alex and Juliet that he's just now accepted his first assignment as a full-fledged Monster Hunter. The look on his face as he says it gives Alex the impression that he might as well be setting the date for his own execution. And, God help him, he's dressed just like one of those two idiots she conned into taking Frankie and the robot to Monster Jail.
"A mummy?" Juliet asks, dumbfounded. "Are they crazy? You're not even done the course, yet!"
Justin shrugs, and smiles uncertainly. "Just the way things work in the go-go world of monster hunting, I guess?"
"Gee, but if you turn pro, you won't be able to compete in the next Monster Hunting Olympics!" Alex deadpans.
Justin and Juliet both turn to give her a sour look.
"Justin, this is retarded," Alex sighs, rolling her eyes dramatically. "The only monsters you've actually managed to bag so far are a fake, sarcastic horse, and the two harmless dupes you made yourself, who were just hanging around the house, anyway. There's no way they can honestly believe you're actually ready for this."
"Hey!" Justin snaps, suddenly angry. "Who's got two thumbs and is wearing an official Monster Hunter's uniform, huh? This guy, right here. I've been training hard these past few weeks, OK? I'm ready."
Alex cocks a skeptical eyebrow at him as she looks him over...but she does have to admit, he looks pretty good. Oh, the outfit is simply awful—giving even the whole Wonder Twins wizard duel fashion nightmare a run for its money—but the way it shows off his newly-sculpted arms and just a hint of the definition in his chest is definitely—
OK, this is getting ridiculous. She really does need to find herself a boyfriend.
"Besides," Justin continues, oblivious, "I'm...kind of the only thing standing between him and all of New York, right now...on account of all the other Monster Hunters having been, um...well, destroyed."
"By the mummy?" Juliet asks.
"You know, I never did get a clear answer on that..." Justin frowns thoughtfully, then shakes his head. "But it doesn't matter. Because Gotham City calls to me. The Batsignal has been lit. And I must answer."
"Oh, God," Alex groans, hanging her head. "Are we still on this whole stupid Batman kick? Seriously?"
"I'm going with you," Juliet says firmly.
Justin blinks at her. "What? No! Batman does not take his girlfriend with him when he goes out on patrol!"
"Oh, really?" Alex snorts. "Tell that to Robin."
"For the last time, Alex, Robin is Batman's youthful ward, friend and trusted partner! They are not gay for each other!" Justin growls. Then, realizing how callously un-PC this sounds: "Uh, not that...y'know...there would necessarily be anything wrong with that..."
"Pfft, whatever. Read between the panels sometime, egghead," Alex says. "I mean, they named the guy 'Dick' for Christ's sake! Not a whole lot of subtext, there!"
"Alex, you don't even—wow, did you really just use the word 'subtext' correctly in a sentence?"
"Uh, hello!" Juliet interrupts, waving her arms to get their attention. "Not just any ordinary, run-of-the-mill girlfriend here, remember? Batgirl, anybody?"
And with that, Juliet holds her arms out to the side, where they suddenly morph themselves into a pair of massive bat wings, with a sound not unlike that of several ears of corn being shucked all at once. Alex and Justin grimace at her wordlessly as she beams back at them.
"Yeah, it still kind of disturbs me a little bit when you do that," Justin says quietly, after a moment.
"Uh, ditto," Alex nods. "Because, dude? Freaky."
"Fine," Juliet sighs, and barely a tremor of effort mars her features as she wills her limbs back into human form. "But I'm going, all right? No arguments. And for that matter, so is Alex. She can be...um...Wonder Woman? Hawkgirl?"
"Uh, our mom's really more the Hawkgirl type, actually..." Justin says.
"Please," Alex scoffs. "If I'm anybody, it's Catwoman."
"Isn't she more of a bad guy, though?" Juliet asks. "Like, an international jewel thief, or something?"
"I prefer to think of her more as a badass anti-heroine who doesn't let society's narrow definitions of 'right' and 'wrong' determine her moral code," Alex replies. "Plus, she looks hot in skin-tight black latex. So, y'know...win."
"Well, Selena Kyle does lean more towards chaotic-neutral, or maybe even chaotic-good, than straight-up evil, so you could make the argument—" Justin stops short and glares at his sister, as though she nearly tricked him into something. "Look, forget it. Juliet can come, but Alex stays here."
For a split-second, Alex's eyes go wide with rage as hurt and jealousy swirl together in the pit of her stomach and threaten to consume her from within. So what, suddenly he's totally fine with his stupid vampire girlfriend emasculating him, but not her? What the hell? It's not like Juliet has been getting by on four hours of sleep a night for the past month so she can make sure her Man of Steel spell doesn't wear off at an inopportune moment while he does his juvenile bullshit macho workout thing...
(Because that's totally why she's been sneaking down there every night. Totally.)
But before it's too late, and she says or does something that she'll later regret, the calm, rational part of her—the part she doesn't listen to very often, the voice in her head that sounds suspiciously like Justin's—intervenes, tamping down on her emotions and forcing her to adopt an air of bored nonchalance.
"Sure, works for me," she says, with a lazy half-shrug.
Because, duh, of course the dude wants to take his girlfriend along and leave behind his baby sister. Because that's what dudes do, and that's all Alex is to him.
Goddammit.
"Wait, what? Why on Earth wouldn't you want Alex to come?" Juliet asks, scowling at Justin like he's an idiot for wanting to leave her behind. And even though Alex kind of hates her right this second, she sort of loves her, too. "Justin, sweetie, no offense...but you kind of need all the backup you can get, on this one!"
"No, it's OK," Alex says, before Justin can protest. And she's honestly surprised at how evenly she manages to say it. "I can't go, anyway. I have to study."
And yeah, so even though it's at least partially true, she can appreciate how much that sounds like a lame excuse. But geez, is it so unbelievable that they have to stare at her with their mouths hanging open like that?
"Yes, that's right. I said I have to study," Alex sighs. "It's the first sign of the apocalypse. The plague of locusts is scheduled for Tuesday."
"Look, it's just a little recon at the museum, anyway," Justin says impatiently, holding out his hand for Juliet. "The mummy's not even going to be there. We don't need her."
Alex makes a point of idly studying her fingernails, and tries not to look as hurt as she feels.
"Well...OK," Juliet says, looking from Justin to Alex and back again as she tucks her hand into his. "I guess that doesn't sound too dangerous...and if Alex is too busy..."
"It isn't," Justin insists.
"And I am," Alex also insists, just a little bit harder.
"Fine. Let's go." Justin nearly pulls Juliet right off her feet as he tugs her towards the stairs that lead down into the Sub Station. Juliet giggles in surprise as she stumbles after him, and turns to wave goodbye to Alex over her shoulder before they disappear down the staircase, out of sight.
Alex waits until the sound of their footsteps on the metal stairs has died away, and counts off ten seconds in her head, before she spins on her heel and slams her fist into one of the pillows on the couch, as hard as she can. Again, and again, and again. It's only when she feels somebody's eyes on the back of her neck that she stops pummeling it, and turns around.
Conscience stands in the middle of the yellow staircase that leads upstairs, with a book under his arm, peering over the railing at her. She sets her jaw and narrows her eyes at him, daring him to say something.
"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," he says evenly as he comes the rest of the way down, as though walking in on her assaulting a pillow is the most normal thing in the world. "Just bringing Max his textbook so we can move on to the next chapter. He's flying through his remedial wizard homework like you wouldn't believe."
Great. So now that's two whole chapters Max will be ahead of her.
"Gee, I'm so thrilled," Alex says flatly, glaring at him. "You can't imagine how much. You're such a fantastic influence on him."
"Well, I do what I can," Conscience shrugs as he makes his way down the black stairs into the Sub Station. And the genuine humility inherent in it makes her want to punch his face in. As if sensing this, he pauses on the third step, then turns halfway around to fix her with a knowing look.
"For the what it's worth, I think you did the right thing, just now," he says, "There's an old saying: if you love somebody, set them free. If they really love you, they'll come back."
Alex blinks at him, then narrows her eyes even further as she crosses her arms below her breasts. "Dude, I have no clue what you're talking about."
"Sure you don't," Conscience says, with a condescending smile. "But if it makes you feel any better, Max has never once thought of what you and Justin have as being wrong. Or anything less than completely normal, even. In fact, I think he actually finds it kind of sweet."
Alex's expression doesn't change, even though she feels her stomach do a triple-backflip, and miss the landing.
"Granted, forty-eight states would disagree," Conscience continues with a shrug, "along with your parents and virtually everyone else you know...but hey, why let society's narrow definitions of 'right' and 'wrong' define your morality, right?"
Alex cocks an eyebrow at this, and snorts in surprise. "OK, I'll admit that it's been a while since I've actually seen Pinocchio, but I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of thing a conscience is supposed to come down in favor of..."
Conscience smiles kindly, and shrugs. "Well, the right things may seem wrong sometimes. Or sometimes the wrong things may be right at the wrong time. Or vice versa. Understand?"
"Uh...sure, if you say so, dude," Alex says uncertainly. "But somewhere, Walt Disney is spinning in his grave right now. That's all I'm saying."
"Oh, trust me, I know," Conscience says with a grin, as he starts back down the stairs. "You have no idea how true that is."
OK, so clearly that settles that. Creepy little mofo has definitely gotta go, and the sooner the better. Immediately, even. Certainly before Justin gets back from monster-baiting, or whatever. Because, dude, seriously. Max might be perfectly fine with the idea of...whatever...and sure, she can feel herself gradually edging towards a place in the not-too-distant future where she'd be OK with it, too. But Justin? Mister Lawful-Good himself? If Conscience so much as breathes a word of this to him, his head will literally explode.
Besides, what the hell? Max is already a real boy. What does he really need a conscience for, anyway?