Authors Notes – I've been meaning to write this for ages! I suppose technically the actual prompt for this was the Olivia quote "I had a pregnancy scare in college and that was bad enough" from the actual show but the Phyllis Diller quote seemed pretty apt too!

Like the last chapter, there are spoilers for Intoxicated.

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Pregnancy

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. ~Phyllis Diller

Any other night, her mother would have been out, or drunk, or locked away in her office getting so. Any other night that would have pissed Olivia off but on this particular occasion she'd have welcomed it. Unfortunately for her, she just wasn't that lucky, and her contrary mother was sat on the couch marking what looked like a pile of essays, looking pretty much sober for once in her life.

Damn it.

She thought about hightailing it straight to her room, but she knew deep down that it just wasn't going to happen, and sure enough seconds later her mother looked up, smiling warmly at her,

"You're late darling. Did class overrun?"

Olivia shook her head, "No. I did some shopping on the way home."

"Did you get anything nice?"

She groaned inwardly. It was nice when her mother was lucid enough to want to and be able to hold a normal mother / daughter conversation but she was really was choosing her moment on this occasion. She shifted awkwardly, glancing into her bag, trying to think which purchases she could actually tell her about, "I got a card for Keeley, it's her birthday tomorrow. And I got the latest edition of Vogue." She added, hoping that would be enough to satisfy her mother and let her make her escape.

Apparently not. "Keeley's one of your sorority sisters isn't she; the girl whose father works on Wall Street?"

The inward groan became more of a silent scream. Her mother couldn't remember who she was half the time, so where her sudden encyclopaedic knowledge of her friends came from Olivia had no idea. It wasn't like she'd even met them; there was no way Olivia had been going to suffer that indignity. Still she didn't want to give her mother the impression that there was something wrong so she just smiled,

"Yeah. That's her."

"Can I get a look at your magazine?" her mother asked, "I'm almost done with these papers."

She'd been planning on reading the magazine herself but decided she was willing to do anything to get her mother off her back. She reached into the bag and pulled the magazine out; and that was when it happened…

The small rectangular box that she'd purchased at the drugstore just ten minutes before came flying out of the bag with the magazine and landed at her mothers feet.

There was an awkward silence as her mother lent over and picked it up, before looking up at Olivia with a look of horror on her face.

"What the hell is this?"

Olivia took a deep breath, cursing her own klutziness. She didn't need this. She really didn't. Things were bad enough without her mother getting involved. "You know what it is mom." She said quietly, "Can I have it back please?"

She knew she was expecting too much of her mother, knowing that there was no way she was just going to give her the box back and leave her to it. And she was right.

"You're pregnant? Olivia what did I tell you? You're a bright girl, why would you act so irresponsibly?"

"I don't know if I'm pregnant." She snapped, snatching the pregnancy test back from her, "That's the whole point of this. And I didn't mean it to happen mom. I didn't do it on purpose."

"Then how did it happen?" her mother asked crisply, leaving her in no doubt that she had little choice but to answer and explain.

She sat down on the sofa, turning the box over and over in her hands, "He used a condom, but it split."

"And you didn't think to acquire the morning after pill?"

She had thought. She had wanted to. She'd even made the doctors appointment but when it came down to it, she couldn't go through with it. She'd been too embarrassed, and god she was regretting that now. "Please mom." She said softly, "Leave it?"

"Leave it?" her mother snapped, "Olivia Benson I'm just getting started! How the hell did this happen? I didn't even know you had a boyfriend." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously, "You've not been seeing him again have you?"

There were no prizes for guessing who she was referring to; she got the same snippy tone to her voice whenever the subject of Olivia's ex fiancé came up. Not that she needed to worry, the fuss she'd made two years previously had scared Stephen off for good. There was no way he was ever coming back again. Olivia shook her head, "It wasn't him."

"Then who was it?" Serena asked, "What's this boyfriend's name?"

Olivia stared down at the box in her hands again, anything to avoid looking at her mother as she dropped her bombshell. "There isn't a boyfriend. I had a one night stand." She waited for the explosion but it didn't come, and when she finally lifted her eyes to see how her mother was reacting she wondered why she hadn't expected it in the first place.

She'd got to her feet and had moved over to the drinks trolley where she was pouring herself a large measure of whiskey. So that was nothing new. Olivia got to her feet and headed for the door. If all her mom cared about was where the next drink was coming from then she'd deal with this like she dealt with everything else.

On her own.

"Where are you going?" her mother asked, just as she reached the door.

Olivia looked at her disparagingly, "Where do you think I'm going? I'm going to piss on a stick on a stick and find out if I've ruined my life."

"We're in the middle of a conversation."

She shook her head, "No mom, we were. Now you're in the middle of a drink, which will become another drink, and then another, and then the conversation will becoming a screaming row and I can't cope with that right now. I just need to find out if I'm pregnant and then I'll work out where I go from here."

It was then that the miracle occurred. The miracle Olivia had waited her whole life for. Her mother put the drink down and moved across the room to her side, "I'll go and make us some hot chocolate. With marshmallows." She paused, "Do we have marshmallows?"

Olivia nodded, suddenly close to tears, and not wanting her mom to know how overwhelmed she was. It felt so strange for her to be putting Olivia first, and actually wanting to help her, especially considering how angry she'd been to begin with. Any other time Olivia might have felt that it was too little too late, but the truth was she was terrified; terrified enough to really need her mother's support and to take it if it was on offer.

"Go and do the test darling." Her mom said giving her a hug before disappearing to the kitchen, presumably to make the hot chocolate that she apparently felt was synonymous with her mom of the year act.

She took the box into her bedroom and into the ensuite bathroom and sat down on the side of the bath, staring down at it. She'd been scared when she'd realised the condom had split, she'd been even more scared when her period hadn't come but nothing compared to how she felt at that moment. If she did the test and found out she was pregnant she had no idea what she'd do. She'd have to move out of their home, probably drop out of college too, and her dreams of joining the NYPD would go out of the window, but compared to the alternative…

She undid the box and took out the white stick and the instruction booklet. She knew she had to bite the bullet and do it, but she couldn't bring herself to even begin. It just felt like the beginning of the end.

She was still staring down at it when her mom appeared with a mug in each hand. "Did you do it?" she asked, sounding as nervous as Olivia herself felt. She shook her head,

"I can't mom."

"You have to."

She knew her mom was right, and so slowly nodded, "Can I have some privacy?"

"Of course." Her mother disappeared back into the bedroom leaving her alone with the test. She did the necessary and then went to join her, finding her sat on Olivia's bed. She sat down beside her with the test on her lap. Her mom looked at her, "How long does it take?"

"3 minutes." She replied shakily. They fell into an awkward silence which Olivia just had to break. Three minutes of silence with everything hanging over her just seemed unbearable. "Why did you put the drink down? Why aren't you yelling at me anymore?"

Her mom sighed, "Because I've been in your shoes sweetheart. I know how scared you are. I've never been much of a mom to you, but I couldn't let you do this on your own. Here…" she handed Olivia her hot chocolate, "drink this."

She took the mug and drank from it, mulling over her mothers words. On one hand it felt good that she was being supportive; it was great that she could empathise but their situations weren't the same. Not in the slightest. "You haven't really been in my shoes have you?" She said hesitantly, "Your pregnancy wasn't your fault."

Her mother shrugged, "It depends how you look at it. I was the one who took the short cut. I was the one who was dressed so very provocatively. There were people at the time who said I only had myself to blame."

Olivia shook her head incredulously, "Mom, you were raped. You can't blame yourself for that." It felt odd to be discussing the rape, her conception. They'd argued about it in the past, but they'd never ever talked about it in quite this way. So calmly. So soberly in her mother's case.

"I do blame myself." Her mother said, "But sweetheart, this isn't meant to be about me. We're talking about you. What will you do, if you are pregnant?"

Her question, like so many things her mother had said and done that evening, surprised Olivia. She hadn't suspected her mother would give her an option. She still remembered the day of her first period, and the condoms and the stark warning she'd received that her mother wouldn't tolerate an illegitimate baby in her house. She glanced at over at her, "You'd give me a choice? You wouldn't make me terminate the pregnancy?"

Her mom shook her head, "Not if it wasn't what you wanted. My parents tried to do that to me, and I hated them for it."

"But what if they were right?" The words were past Olivia's lips before she'd even thought them, and she instantly felt awkward at having asked the question and having put her mom so brutally on the spot. "You know what I mean." She said softly, "Its not always easy is it?" God, that was an absolute understatement, but she didn't want to hurt her mom by labouring the point any further. Beside which, her mother did know what she meant.

"It's not always easy." She said gently, conceding Olivia's point, "And I know that it's even harder on you. But I wouldn't be without you Olivia. Your grandparents were wrong. But this is your decision and you're only 18 years old, so if you decide to terminate the pregnancy that's fine with me. However," she added, "if you decide to keep the baby, I will try and support you. Even though," she looked away and Olivia knew it was so that she wouldn't be able to see the tears in her eyes, "I probably won't be very good at it. I'm not much of a mother; I probably won't be much of a grandmother either."

Olivia wanted to say something to reassure her, but was at a loss for the right thing to say. She couldn't lie to her, couldn't pretend that she was an amazing mom, or even a good mom, but neither did she want to hurt her by not disputing it. In the end, she just looked for the positives that she could draw attention to. "Thanks for this." She said, indicating the hot chocolate, "And for sitting with me, and talking to me; and for not going apoplectic over the one night stand."

Her mother smiled, "We all make mistakes Olivia. And I can see how mortified you are. But please, don't do it again."

There was absolutely NO chance of that. Not in a million years. She hadn't even enjoyed it that much. It hadn't felt particularly good, more awkward and embarrassing, and it didn't give her the sense of comfort that she'd so desperately needed. In fact, when it was over, she'd felt more alone than ever, but with an added sense of feeling dirty and cheap on top.

"Olivia," her mother broke into her thoughts, "It's probably been three minutes."

She glanced down, feeling like she might actually vomit, and then started to cry as she saw the result.

Not pregnant.

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Authors Note Part 2 – I just wanted to say a huge thank you to Serena for being slightly more pleasant for once. It made a nice change to be writing her sober and not as a Grade A bitch! Oh and also a reminder that I LOVE reviews! :D