The clang and clatter of the day's lunch preparations had resumed, yet again, in exactly the same spot it had ended before the "minor" Mutt and Dark Lighter invasion. Luckily, the cleanup had been minimal and the only dish casualty was the yellow soup pot that Chris had telekinetically blasted to bits, having hurled it towards four clueless "hybrids". For Chris, though, the looks on his evil targets' faces as they discovered just how lethal magical tomato soup can be, was worth the cost of replacing the pot ten times over.
Thanks to Jared's earthy consoling and Lee's irresistible "jolly juice," Piper's spirits had lightened and her inner calm had settled. Naturally, she was curious whether or not she had been brainwashed into welcoming the idea of a gigantic family, leaving Lee with the tricky, yet tolerable task, of negating her suspicions. He insisted that the juice never coerced a person into thinking or believing anything other than that which they already did. Rather, it sped up the partaker's ability to process and internalize whatever event or situation had originally inspired the distressed state of being at an infinitely quicker pace.
Chris, Steve, and Jared brought the numerous appetizers into the dining room and placed them in their traditional locations on the long, wooden table. Lee, keeping with tradition, remained in his spice-filled laboratory far longer than was necessary, putting the alleged "finishing touches" on this and that. Today his streak of situational perfectionism had gone into extreme overdrive, though few would have ever noticed.
"Boys?" Piper called out, entering the dining room.
"Yeah Mom?" asked Chris, hearing the concern in her voice.
"Everything okay?" asked Jared, setting a pitcher down on the table.
"I've been trying to call your father for the last half an hour."
"No luck?" asked Chris, only somewhat surprised.
"Nothing," said Piper, shaking her head. "I'm starting to get a little worried."
In the future that Chris helped create, it was highly unusual for Leo to not answer a call. This was especially true should the call come from one of his sons.
"What if we gave it a try?" asked Jared, hoping to not hurt his mother's feelings on the sensitive issue.
"Would that work?" asked Piper, apparently unphased.
"I don't know," said Chris, somewhat apprehensively. "Maybe!"
Piper wanted to make sure she had all the bases of practicality covered. "You don't think you'll summon 'Future Leo'?" she asked.
"Well, if we do," Steve said with a wink, "then you can see what a big hunk o' man Dad still is in 25 years."
Piper smiled slightly, appreciative of Steve's attempts to put her at ease. "Well, there's a thought!" she said.
"Chris," said Jared, "Dad's met the 'Future-You' before; why don't you give it a try?"
Chris tried to hide being slightly bothered that Jared had put him on the spot, knowing that what he said made perfect sense. It was also the conclusion to which he most likely would have come himself. He was noticeably apprehensive to try, afraid of what it would mean if Leo didn't hear or answer his call. "Okay," he said eventually. "Here goes!"
Chris looked to the ceiling. "Dad!" he called out, with as much confidence as he could muster.
The room was eerily still and quiet, as though Piper had just frozen it.
"That's odd," said Chris, sounding more surprised than he truly was.
For Leo to not answer a call was an entirely new experience for Jared. He looked to the ceiling as well, equally hopeful and fearful. "Dad?"
Again, nothing.
"Father!" yelled Steve, sounding like a golfer yelling fore. "Papa!... Daddy!"
Chris scoffed at Steve in disbelief. "Daddy?"
Steve turned his nose up snootily. "I was running out of hypocoristic nomenclature," he said.
'Daddy'?" Chris repeated, louder this time. "That's the best you could do?"
"It could've been worse," said Jared, knowing Chris should quit while he was ahead.
"Would you have preferred 'sperm provider?" asked Steve.
"Dark Side of the Force, party of two, your table is ready!" said Jared.
"How about, 'Man of whose loins we are the fruit?'" Steve cheekily suggested.
"And there goes my appetite," Jared moaned, placing a hand on his belly.
"Mom IS in the room, you moron," Chris said to Steve.
"So? She knows where babies come from! She's the one who gave us the talk."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!" shouted Piper. "I gave you the talk? Why didn't your father give you the talk?"
Chris, trying to soften his mother's wrath, thereby lightening his father's future sentencing, said "In Dad's defense, he really did try."
"Try?" said Piper, "The man made nine babies, he should be able to do more than just TRY!"
"He sorta panicked," said Jared, to which Steve added, "He couldn't take the heat... So he orbed outta the kitchen!"
Had Piper not been so concerned about Leo's whereabouts in that moment, she would've most likely vowed to kick his angelic ass. "So, you say he tried? What do you mean he tried?" Piper demanded. "What, did he start and couldn't finish?"
"Well," said Chris, understandably nervous, "he started with the whole salmon swimming upstream story..."
"It really was a nice beginning," said Jared.
"I nearly cried," said Steve.
"You did cry."
"Dude?"
"AND..." Chris continued. "Well... somehow the story of the salmon and the stream turned into...oh... Jared, what was it?"
"The Teddy Bears' Picnic," replied Jared reluctantly.
"That's right!" said Chris, as the memory came rushing back.
"So, what did I do?" asked Piper. "Give some sort of community meeting for the neighborhood kids or did I merely choose to torture my own family?"
"Nah, just us," said Steve. "but, it was only required for sons ages 10 through 13!"
"But," said Jared, almost against his will, "you made Wyatt and Chris hold up the visual aids."
"Pleeease, tell me you're kidding," said Piper, mortified. "There were visual aids???"
"You had Aunt Paige make posters," said Jared, "One female and one male."
"In stunning detail!" Chris said emphatically..
Piper had been forced to admit on several occasions that she could be relentless, but the thought of even discussing the "miracle of life" with her children was disturbing enough. However, knowing she insisted upon doing so, with the inclusion of visual aids no less, was just shy of unbearable. "I'm afraid to ask where Leo was during all of this."
Jared's gaze sank toward the floor. "You made Dad point out each organ on the posters as you discussed them individually."
"Oh God, I need so much help!" Piper said desperately.
"I still have nightmares about those posters," said Chris.
"I do too!" said Jared, glad that he wasn't alone in the experience.
"I thought they were nice." said Steve, defending his Aunt's artwork. "You guys are just jealous because the one in the poster was prettier than..."
"Steven!" said Piper, "Honey... Darling... Sweet Child O' Mine... I appreciate your defending your Aunt, I really, really do... but I'm having enough trouble just accepting the fact that I went all Clockwork Orange on my family about, of all things, 'the Birds and Bees' -- I just need a minute to process... two minutes tops."
"You guys," said Jared, "I don't mean to be a nag, but this isn't bringing Dad home any faster."
Steve faked a cough, saying: "Mama's boy!"
Jared considered retorting but, this was Steve after all. Once you get him started, there's no stopping him. And, it takes that boy quite a long while before he runs out of steam.
"We could try a spell," said Chris..
Steve and Jared's hands shot straight up in the air. "NOT IT!" they both shouted, with bright grins on their faces.
"Hey, I wasn't ready!" said Chris.
"Tough break, Pal!" said Steve, feigning sympathy. "That snoozin' and loosin' will get ya' everytime."
"But I always go last."
"Are you kidding me?" asked Piper. "That's what you're so upset about? Making up the last line of a spell?"
"It's his kryptonite," said Jared.
"Why?" Piper wondered aloud.
"Because I suck at it." Chris moaned.
"Sweetie, how can you suck at it?"
"Well... you have to wrap up everything everybody else said... drive it on home... AND make it rhyme."
"Actually," said Piper, "Paige wrote a haiku once and it seemed to worked just fine."
Chris felt ridiculous, pitiful, pathetic, immature, blah blah blah... But, everyone has there one quirk, and this was Chris, a man of many.
"What about Lee?" Piper suggested.
Jared shook his head. "Lee doesn't even like to make up the first line, much less the last."
"Still," Chris said with a sly wickedness, "He DIDN'T say 'Not it,' so technically I can still make him do it."
"Right!" said Jared sarcastically. "Why don't you try making Bambi eat broken glass while you're at it?"
"Yeah, you're right..." Chris sighed. "He'll do that whole... eyes thing and then.. that face thing he does and... then there's that voice thing.."
"So," Steve summed it up, "he'll be 'Lee' is pretty much what you're saying."
"Okay, fine!" yielded Chris. "But," he said with an evil twinkle in his eye. "You will ALL live to regret it... I'll see to that! Mwahahahaha!"
"That's nice, Honey," said Piper, and faced toward the kitchen. "Lee? - Could you please come help your brothers cast a spell to get your Dad home?"
Not a single peep came from the kitchen.
"You can have the first line!" she added.
"Coming!" he called back, followed by the sound of shuffling footsteps.
Piper looked at Lee as he arrived. "All yours, Babe!" she told him.
"Uh... Okay - Here goes," Lee said shyly. "The coolest Dad in all the land..." his cheeks reddened rapidly.
Piper smiled and thought to herself, How in the world will I ever say 'No' to this kid? Why couldn't he be that annoying kind of sweet, like... Shirley Temple?
Jared followed. "Of generous heart and open hand."
Wonder if they'd say things like this if they made a spell about me.
Then Steve. "From wherever he now roams."
Chris felt like he was singing a solo at Carnegie Hall as all eyes were glued on him. "Send our 'sperm provider' home."
Piper reached over and slapped Chris on the arm. "What is the matter with you?"
"I told you you'd regret it!" he said. "Plus, let's see how many more times you folks make me take the last line."
Jared winced in queasy discomfort. "As inappropriate as that was," he said, glaring at Chris, "It still should've done the trick."
"So what does that mean?" asked Piper, trying not to panic.
"Guys," said Lee, "Not to be negative or anything but...what if our spell is being intercepted?"
The brothers looked at one another with fear and concern.
"Okay boys..." snapped Piper. "None of this 'future consequences' crrrrrap! You got me?" she demanded.
"No Mom," said Chris. "It's not like that. We'll explain. We just need to try something first."
"Well try it and start talkin' Mister, because I'm not doing this whole 'Leave Mom in the dark' business again!"
"What spell do you guys think we should use?" asked Lee.
"Yeah," said Steve. "1-800-DIAL-A-SPELL" is temporarily down."
Piper swatted Steve on the arm. "No! No sir! Not you too! Not today! Not now!"
"Yes ma'am." said Steve, tail between his legs.
"Chris?" said Jared, "far mithed adhen."
Piper grimaced in confusion, "far mee- what?" she asked.
Chris looked lost in thought for a moment, then nodded.
The four brothers chanted together. "Alanna velo glafen thelain. Weh nivien 'Calyanu' ammen elvedain!"
Piper asked impulsively. "So... Do we join a cult in the future? Move to Whales maybe? What's with the speaking in tongues?"
The sons looked at each other and smiled.
"Again with the inside jokes..." she huffed.
Before Piper could complete her scolding, a wide silvery blue portal opened above the ovular marble table in the main hall. Down through the glimmering lights fell a young man of maybe 18 or 19, landing flat on his back.
"Ugh!" he moaned as he fell. "What the..."
Steve looked at the others. "Does Dad look like Dylan to anybody else?"
NOTE: Far mithed adhen is a semi-idiomatic phrase that literally means "On your word". The idea is "You start" or "We'll Follow you."