Friday Night Football

"Aunt Paige!" yelled Jared "No!"

Jared interrupted Paige's orb with a wave of his hand, placing her next to Leo and Piper on the lower landing of the Main Hall staircase. The demon's attempt to attack Paige as she orbed into the Manor had failed, his fireball now nothing but an ugly black scorch on the hall carpet.

"Did you just try to bushwhack my Aunt?" Jared asked the demon, sounding like a high school bully picking a fight on the playground. "Dude, that is NOT how you treat a lady!"

Jared stepped slowly toward the demon. He repeatedly snapped his fingers in the direction of the demon's face, first with one hand and then with the other, flashing a small puff of air at his eyes. The demon flinched with Jared's every snap. "You know that machine that Eye Doctors use?" Jared asked, as the demon shrank away from him. "They tell you to just look straight ahead and you'll feel a slight puff of air?" Jared continued to snap for a few more seconds and then suddenly stopped. "Ain't those a bitch?"

With a flick of Jared's wrist, a sharply focused wind smashed the befuddled demon against the Sitting Room wall, the steady current holding him in place. "Yo, Tinkerbell!" Jared shouted into the parlor room. "I need a little pixie dust in here!"

Within seconds, Steve slid into the room next to Jared. As he gestured with his arm, a glowing bluewand appeared in his hand. "Bibbity" he chanted and orb shackles appeared around the demons wrists, stealing him against the wall. "Bobbity" then around his ankles. "Boo!" A swarm of orbs crackled like fireworks, inches away from the demons face,shocking him unconscious.

With the demon secured on the wall, Steve turned to Jared and tapped him lightly on the nose with his wand. "Now be home by midnight!" he teased and ran back into the parlor room.

As Paige slowly collected herself, she began to wonder if Jared had orbed her into some alternate universe where demon vanquishing was a spectator sport. But then, the boys out on the floor weren't vanquishing the demons, at least not all of them; they were hanging them on the walls of the Sitting Room with some sort of glowing, blue shackles. The demons were draped along the room like a bizarre set of mounted trophies.

"Piper, there are demons shackled to the walls!" exclaimed Paige. "Now, why might that be?"

"Popcorn?" Piper asked, offering the plastic bowl she and Leo were sharing to Paige.

"Are you chemically enhanced? Or, maybe under some make me a sucky parent spell?" asked Paige in disbelief. As far as she was concerned, Piper and Leo had been the poster couple for the ideal parents. And yet, here they were; sitting on the lower staircase platform, eating popcorn, and watching their sons do battle with citizens of the Underworld, all around the house. "Piper, just what is going on here?" she asked.

"Apparently, we are watching our boys kick some serious demon boo-tay." remarked Piper matter-of-factly.

"Then why do you sound like you're at one of their high school football games?"

"Well," Leo answered, "I guess some parents go to Friday night football games; we go to vanquishings." he said, as if learning to roll with the punches.

"Anyway," said Piper, "they're just starting to wrap things up by the looks of it; there are only about a dozen or so demons left."

"Oh, is that all?" asked Paige sarcastically, her words falling on deaf ears.

Just then, the sounds of electric shocks began to buzz and spark directly above the trio. "Okay people, the chandelier is missing." said Paige. "What's up with that?"

"That was Jared's doing." Piper answered hesitantly.

"Weather Witch Jared?" asked Paige.

"BUT..." Piper continued. "he really didn't have a choice."

"I don't understand." said Paige, remembering the potential death of Steven only hours earlier that very morning.

"One of the demons set the chandelier on fire and tried to drop it on top of Chris." Piper explained.

"He had to throw it somewhere." Leo included.

"So where then?" asked Paige.

Piper gestured to the West of the Manor. "Notice how there's an unusual amount of sunlight coming from the dining room?"

"Yeah?"

"You know that stained glass window?

"Oh no!" uttered Paige.

"Yeah, it's not there anymore." Piper concluded.

"You're kidding!" exclaimed Paige.

"It was amazing." said Leo, as if in an awe inspired daze. "I couldn't be any prouder."

"I agree; he could not have handled it any better." Piper affirmed.

"What?" asked Paige, shaking her head as if to shake herself awake.

"And he looked so pretty too, with his hair all blowing in the wind," Piper added, "He looked like he was in a music video!"

"Hold it!" Paige interjected. "I must've missed my exit, because I'm totally lost."

Leo looked at Paige, as a father's pride twinkled in his eyes. "That boy, in a span of about 10 seconds, put out the flames with wind that he created, saved Chris from the falling chandelier, and vanquished the demon that started the whole thing."

"But then, why out the window?" asked Paige, as though the solution was obvious. "Why didn't he just catch it like he did this morning?"

"In here? He caught something?" asked Leo, both shocked and excited by the news.

"He caught Steven." Piper explained, planning to leave it at that.

Leo's eyes widened. "Caught him? And held him?"

"Well," Paige began, almost unwillingly. "kinda... then he sorta smashed him into a billion little marbles."

"But Steve fixed himself!" Piper added quickly. "All's well that ends well if ya' ask me!"

"I still don't understand why Chris didn't just take care of the chandelier himself." Paige asked, voicing her main concern.

"Well..." began Piper, "Chris has been a little bit..."

"WHOA!"screamed the Darklighter as he flew helplessly from the dining room out into the Main Hall, crashing with a loud thud on the floor. Chris marched angrily after him.

"...distracted."

Chris telekinetically threw the Darklighter from one room into the next, furiously scolding him all the way. "How about I fire a poisonous arrow at your little brother. Huh, jackass?" he yelled. "You're just lucky it's me you're dealing with and not him kicking your sorry ass."

Piper continued her explanation. "He hasn't so much as looked at a demon since the attack began; he's just been throwing that Darklighter from one end of this house to the other." she said. "I'm not positive, but he might've thrown him out into the back yard a time or two, but we couldn't see from where we're sitting."

"Wowww," slurred Paige.

"See how he's only got that undershirt on now?" Piper asked, refering to the Darklighter.

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah, he had on a trench coat and a black sweater before Chris got to him." said Piper, both proudly and disbelievingly. "If I'm guessing correctly, he lost the coat in the Solarium, and the last time I remember seeing the sweater was when Chris threw him into the Parlor Room... the third or fourth time; I lost count."

"I see!" Paige remarked. "That is one determined little man ya' got there."

Piper lifted her shoulders and sighed proudly. "Yeah!"

"Just out of curiosity, why aren't you out there, Supermom?" Paige asked accusingly.

"I tried!" Piper insisted. "Every time I even got close to a demon, Jared whooshed or zapped or kicked it away, or Steve did whatever that thing is the he does, or one of the others sent it flying away from me." she said defensively. "I even felt like I was getting in the way, and that's with 2 demons shimmering in per every one that they vanquished or mounted on the wall."

Leo could sense that Piper felt somewhat like she'd been rendered useless. "I've actually never seen anything like it." he said to Paige. "You can tell that they've been doing this kind of thing most of their lives." His voice sounded a bit somber. No good parent wanted his children to be forced to become demon hunting warriors, especially not at such an early age. "It's almost like they're linked in some way; every one of 'em seems to know what the other is doing." he added.

After watching for only those few minutes, Paige could understand how easy it had become for Leo and Piper to sit leisurely on the stairs and watch the entertaining brawl. It was obvious that the boys were completely in control. She even found herself daydreaming about making letter jackets that said The Halliwell Vanquishers.

"Oh, here are those index cards you wanted." Paige said, producing the package of cards from inside of her purse.

"Thank you ma'am." said Piper, checking to see that Paige picked up the right item. "Good, they had the big ones!" she said. "That means more Fun Facts!"

"What are those for?" asked Leo innocently, noticing the small package.

Paige looked past Piper over to Leo "Apparently, you're going to be cramming for a family reunion." she answered snidely.

Piper pointed a finger at Paige. "Don't think you're excused from this little activity, Auntie Paige!" she demanded.

"Jeez, Piper, if ya' wanna get to know 'em, why not have them all take the Cosmo Romance Quiz? Paige retorted.

Piper's face lit up as she considered her sister's suggestion. Paige's shoulders sank; she felt like she should have known better. "I'm sorry, ninja nephews!" she whimpered to herself. Looking back over at Leo, she noticed that his hair was wet and his clothes were damp. "You do know that showers are traditionally taken without clothes, right?"

Leo smirked. "Witch, Whitelighter, and Comedian!" he chided. "You must get writers cramp just from listing your 'special' skills on a job application."

"Jealous much?" teased Paige.

"Would you like me to be?" Leo asked smugly.

"Maybe a little..."

"Then, no!"

The two exchanged a friendly smirk and turned their attention back to the spectacle at hand. Paige was curious to know what new powers had made their way into the family. "So then," she began, " exactly how did all those demons get up onto the wall, other than Jared?" she asked. "Or was that all Jared's doing too?"

Piper swallowed a mouthful of popcorn before answering. "Well, all of the other boys, minus Chris of course, have managed to get them up there in one way or another, but Steve is the only one responsible for the pretty blue orb shackle thingies that are holding them in place."

"Orb shackling? What kind of power is that?" Paige asked, finding that particular power to be as unusual as Steve himself.

Leo was anxious to add his little tidbits of knowledge to the conversation. "Actually, it's called 'Orbed Materialization'; it was believed to be extinct among witches." he said. "You should've seen it, Paige, he did this AWESOME trick where..."

"And why are they doing this?" Paige interrupted. "Why aren't they just vanquishing them?"

"That part we haven't figured out yet." said Leo, his pride a little wounded from being prevented from bragging about his son.

"I hope they're not planning on keeping those ugly things mounted on the walls." said Piper, a disgusted look on her face. "I'm all for taking the game ball home, but a mother has got to draw the line somewhere."

Paige rolled her eyes and laughed at the absurd comment. It did, however, fit the occasion surprisingly well.

As she looked around, Paige noticed a face she didn't recognize from earlier that morning. As she did so, a laser-like sound came from the Parlor Room, throwing three demons into the Solarium, sliding as they hit the ground. Dylan ran after them. "Wait, you guys! Don't leave without your party favors!" he shouted.

"So, who's the kid in the Austin Powers costume?" asked Paige.

Piper gasped. "Now you just hush your mouth, Little Missy," she snapped "that's my kid you're talking about!"

"Piper, he's wearing a burgundy corduroy jacket, leather boots, boot cut jeans, and John Lennon's Yellow Submarine haircut." returned Paige. "The kid practically has "Yeah, Baby" tattooed across his forehead."

"Keep it up and I'm gonna summon all your future kids and pick them to pieces too."

"Hey! Psycho Lady," Paige retorted. "I was actually going to say that not many people can pull that look off and not look like a fashion train wreck."

"He's kid number seven!" said Leo, still not able to remember his son's name. "I know that much."

Piper eyed Leo snidely. It was actually quite adorable. She could tell how hard he was trying by the look of strain on her husband's determined face alone. "His name is Dylan." she said.

"Dylan?" echoed Paige.

"As in, Bob Dylan." Piper clarified.

"Well, that would certainly explain the outfit."

"Paige!"

"Kidding!" Paige said, inching away from her sister. She knew that Piper wasn't seriously offended, but her melodrama was becoming quite grandiose.

Leo folded his arms, a bit embarrassed. "I'm just terrible with names." he mumbled."That's all."

"It's okay, Sweets;" said Piper, patting Leo on the leg. "that's what the flashcards are for."

"Do I have to do flash cards?" asked Leo, like a little boy trying to get out of doing his chores. "I mean, I knew he was kid number seven; that's gotta count for something!"

"Sure it does, Honey!" Piper answered. "It means that, if he ever gets amnesia and is falsely arrested you will be able to identify him in the lineup but you won't be able to tell the nice man with the big gun your own son's name."

Leo threw up his hands. "I can't win! Fine, I'll study the stupid..."

"Apparently," interrupted Piper, speaking now to Paige, "Dylan is very tidy; see the row of demons up over there?" she asked, pointing at the wall next to the parlor entrance. "Those are all his."

Paige shook her head and smiled. "Neat and organized even when he's chaining demons to walls... Yep, he's your kid alright!" she teased.

Leo was unable to stifle his laugh.

"What's so funny Sun God?" asked Piper with a grin.

"It's nothing; I was laughing at..." he stumbled, unable to make up a convincing excuse. "at something that... wasn't... you know... that." His face turned bright red and he looked quickly away from his wife's stare.

By now Dylan, Jared, Lee, and Steve were standing in the middle of the Sitting Room, waiting for Chris to finish tormenting the Darklighter. They had been trying to take things more slowly than normal, giving Chris some time to air out his frustrations on his 'living' punching bag.

"Ya' know," said Lee to his brothers, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I almost feel sorry for the Darklighter."

"Hey Chris!" yelled Dylan. "Ya' wanna wrap this up already?"

After a few thudding sounds came from within the Solarium, Chris threw the Darklighter face down on the Sitting Room floor next to Jared's feet. "Hey Mom!" he called as he himself entered the Sitting Room. "Do you have a permanent marker I could use?" he asked.

"Sure, Sweetie;" answered Piper, "Look in the top Kitchen drawer next to the phone, there should be one in there."

"Thanks!" said Chris, as he turned and marched out of the room."

Paige asked: "What does he plan to dowith a permanent marker?"

Piper put her hand over her mouth to hide her smile. "Oh, he just wants to write Property of Chris Halliwell on the Darklighter's a-"

"ABDOMEN!" said Leo.