Apples and Oranges
Chris and Steve trekked along the San Francisco sidewalk as they made their way back to the Manor from the local Supermarket. After the ruination of all the lunch food from the demon attack, both the pantry and refrigerator were in great need of restocking. With their arms filled with grocery bags, the two headed for home.
"Guess we're gonna have to get used to making these trips to the store more often." said Chris.
"Maybe not," Steve replied, "we could build the super-sized pantry while we're here and save Dad the trouble of having to do it later."
"Nope!" objected Chris. "Future consequences!"
Steve stopped dead in his tracks, grinding his teeth in extreme annoyance. "Okay, that's it! Say that one more time and I'm pelting you with 10 lbs. of powdered sugar and flooding your underwear drawer with maple syrup."
"Hey, Moody," Chris retorted, "what am I supposed to say?"
Steve literally vibrated with anxiety and frustration. "At least... just... change the name!" he insisted, feeling that anything would be an improvement. "Couldn't you call it something like It Could Happen Someday Stuff?"
Chris chuckled at his brother's suggestion. "It Could Happen Someday Stuff?" he echoed. "Did you get that out of your Fisher Price: 'My First Thesaurus'? What are you, 6?"
"I'm just saying that there's a reason that repetition is considered a form of torture in some foreign countries, that's all." said Steve, a crinkled discomfort on his face.
"In terms of our future," Chris began, feeling like a broken record himself, "it would be too dangerous for us to rebuild the pantry instead of waiting until Dad does it."
For whatever reason, Chris was the only one of the nine brothers who took the whole "future consequences" part of time travel so seriously. All of the others acknowledged that the rule existed, but adherence to said rule was all but extinct.
Ya' know, you're right." Steve teased. "That big scary box of brownie mix could fall right off the new shelves and kill somebody."
The first sign that Chris was about to temporarily lose Steve to Looney-Land had just reared its head in the form of Steve's overblown sarcasm. "Steve, I know it's gonna be hard, but do you think your stop yourself before you get started?" he pleaded.
Steve was already a bit too far gone. "I'm just agreeing with you. In the future it'll stand up just fine, but back in this time, it's doomed to plummet to its tragic end."
"Why do I try?" Chris asked himself aloud. "A puppy can learn to stop chasing it's tale, but I can't seem to learn that trying to reason with you is pointless."
"No time to talk, Chris!" Steve teased. "We've gotta get home and rescue Lee or it's Death by Duncan Heinz!"
"Okay, that's it; I'm crossing the street and walking on the other sidewalk." threatened Chris half-heartedly.
"Alright! I'm done." Steve pledged, feeling he'd gotten the necessary sarcasm out of his system.
Chris eyed him like a hawk. "Fine, but I'm watchin' you, Mister."
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Steve asked flatly.
"What makes you think I wanted to talk about something?" Chris asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Because," Steve moaned, "you're the laziest person in the Free World and, ordinarily, you would've made us orb back home from the frozen foods isle."
"Steve, what have I told you about sniffing the Whiteout?"
"Fine then," Steve said. "let's turn down this alley and orb the rest of the way home."
Steve turned and walked into the next alleyway that trailed off of the sidewalk. He enjoyed the image of Chris standing awkwardly on the sidewalk, staring at the ground, trying to think of a good excuse to not enter into the alleyway. Feeling it wiser to show mercy than to ruffle Chris' pride, Steve walked out of the alleyway and continued with his brother as they shuffled their way on home.
"I was just... I dunno... worried about Jared." said Chris, regretting that he had helped to create a situation that would give the two brothers a time to have one of their heart-to-hearts.
"Hey, do you smell that?" Steve chided as he began to sniff and look around.
"Steve, fight it..." pleaded Chris, trying to avoid another one of his mental departures into the realm of sarcasm. "I'm serious."
"So am I!" Steve insisted, his mannerisms becoming more and more cartoonish. "We must be walkin' past a bull's toilet."
"You know," Chris moaned. "I actually thought I had your attention there for a minute!"
Steve ignored him. "Do they even make porta-potties for bulls?"
Chris sighed. "And Steven has left the building!"
"What do you think a bull's porta-potty would look like?" Steve asked. "I mean, they can't sit down, can they?"
Chris decided it was time to take out the big guns. There was no escaping the rules of the Funny Food Phrases. Steve, please, I just need 5 black bananas, 10 at the absolute most!"
"Sorry, we're all out!" Steve grunted, knowing he'd been cornered.
"Hey, you're breaking the rules;" Chris declared, forcing Steve back into the highly specified system. "I can fine you for that, ya' know!"
"Stupid food phrases." Steve grumbled to himself.
"Ever notice how you think they're brilliant when they work in your favor and stupid when they work against you?" said Chris, enjoying finally gaining the upper hand.
"Fine! Thank you, Chris, for showing me the error of my ways;" Steve replied, as he pouted. "5 black bananas, comin' right up." he said, "but I'm charging extra because they're organically grown." he snapped.
"Fine, put it on my tab!" said Chris, making do with what attention Steve would give him.
"Good as done." Steve said half-heartedly. "Take it away, the floor's yours."
"Okay, just gimme a second!" Chris quietly insisted, trying to gain his courage and composure. He cleared his throat, and then began: "Do you...? Do you think that...?"
Anyone could see that Chris was really struggling; Steve decided to make it a little easier for him. "You need a jump start?" he asked sincerely.
"Could ya'?" Chris bashfully replied.
"On three... Ready?" said Steve, prepping them for the count.
They both whispered together: "One, two, three.."
"Am I a good leader?" Chris asked at the end of his countdown.
"Oh no!" moaned Steve to himself.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Chris defensively.
Steve sounded exasperated before the discussion had even begun. "Well, you're not going to accept either "yes" or "no" as an acceptable answer, so just pick which side you want me to debate and I'll get started." he asserted. "No, on second thought, I'm not doing this." Steve added, clutching his grocery bags more tightly and picking up his pace.
"Doing what?"
Steve stopped at looked Chris in the eyes. "Attending Pretty Perry's Pity Party."
Though Chris knew he ordinarily would have responded defensively, he found himself somewhat captivated by the alliteration of the event's name. "Did you just make that up right now?"
Steve's shoulders sagged in surrender. "No, that's what Dylan calls these little self-sabotages of yours."
"Dylan thinks I'm pretty?" Chris asked, genuinely surprised by such a notion.
"Apparently," admitted Steve, "but the words prissy and pathetic wound up in his version... but I don't remember exactly where or I would've thrown them in too."
"Would it have killed you to have left that last part out?"
"My tongue would've been sore for weeks."
"I see!" Chris' eyes drifted off for a brief moment. "That might've been kinda nice actually."
Steve decided to get back into the heart of the conversation; it would have to be done sooner or later. "Okay, normally I would make you figure this out on your own, but since these are special circumstances; here goes."
"I'm listening." Chris said snidely.
"You're not gonna like it."
"So what else is new?"
Steve cleared his throat and tried to bring himself into a calm, sincere state of mind. "So your question is are you a good leader?"
"That was indeed it." Chris responded, sounding somewhat impatient.
Steve braced himself for the minor yet exhausting strains that lay inevitably ahead. "You mean, are you as good a leader as Wyatt?" His words hit home.
"Hey, how about you keep your words in your mouth and I'll keep my words in mine?" snapped Chris, knowing that Steve had targeted the deeper issue.
Steve remained silent for awhile, giving Chris the opportunity to admit to himself that he was actually struggling with his own assessment of his leadership abilities as compared to Wyatt's and not using himself as his own basis for comparison at all.
"Please continue." Chris said politely, having allowed most of his defenses to fall.
"Chris, it's 3PM on our first day in the past and we already feel like we're right at home!" Steve insisted, hoping Chris would see that as a positive reflection on his ability to successfully lead. "That is, everyone but you. Can't you just relax and let yourself enjoy that fact that everything's turning out fine?"
"How am I supposed to relax when nothing's worked out the way I planned?" Chris asked.
Steve decided to employ a slightly different tactic. "You know, Grandpa told me something once that always stuck for some reason." mused Steve. "He said "One of the best ways to make God laugh is to tell him what your plans are."
"Huh. That does sound like Grandpa." said Chris, not truly allowing himself to absorb or acknowledge the message in the statement.
"Chris, we might've taken a different path than you'd planned, but we still arrived at the same place." Steve said comfortingly.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Tell me something; did you eat the cookie after you read that?"
"Remind me when we get home to call that company and ask about that upgrade we purchased for your personality, because it doesn't seem to be doing the trick." Steve said smugly. "The way I see it; you and Wyatt are two entirely different kinds of leaders."
Chris felt the Steve was about to sell him short with some cheesy cliché, just to shut him up. "Okay, hold it; if you're gonna give me the apples and oranges speech..."
"Christopher!" Steve snapped, preventing any further negative ranting.
"Sorry" muttered Chris, instantly realizing what he'd allowed himself to do.
"In my mind, there are two kinds of effective leaders." Steve began. "There are those who give instructions and teach people how to follow them."
"Wyatt." Chris mumbled.
"Well, it sure as heck ain't you!" Steve retorted, his humorous nature attempting to take over.
"And you call this helping?"
"Sorry, gut reaction." Steve explained, a look of apology in his eyes. "And there are those who lead by simply having enough faith in people to figure things out on their own so that they will eventually have that same faith in themselves."
Chris, as usual, chose to adopt the most negative interpretation possible. "So then, I'm lazy and neglectful?"
"No, Dork Vomit!" snapped Steve, beginning to lose his patience. "Your very presence inspires people. Please, GOD, don't ask me how, but it does!"
"Yeah well, I'm sure Jared doesn't feel that way." Chris said sadly.
"Chris, you'll explain it to him tonight and your leadership record will be spotless yet again."
"I don't know what to say." Chris remarked, having not truly given Steve's words a chance to settle in.
"Don't SAY anything." Steve said. "Just listen."
Chris really was beginning to try to absorb Steve's words. As goofy as Steve was, he did not mince words when it came time to the deeper matters of the heart. "Ya know, it's odd;" Chris began, "my head does believe you, but I can tell it's gonna take the rest of me awhile to catch up."
Steve was actually impressed by the honesty of the response and the allowance for hope therein. "You're 25. It's not like you're running outta time."
"Either way, tonight I'm gonna have some explaining to do to Jared about this morning."
"Yeah, well, I've got my share of groveling to do in that department myself." Steve acknowledged.
"I wonder why Mom said none of us were allowed to talk about it until dinner tonight." Chris remarked.
"Who knows!" Steve shrugged and smiled. "Mom's rules never make any sense to me until five or ten years after the fact when we figure out she was the reason we have about half the problems our friends have."
"I'll drink to that!" Chris agreed.
"Speaking of which, Lee's gonna be wondering where this stuff is. We outta motor." said Steve.
"True that." Chris replied. "You really think Jared will believe me when I tell him I was disappointed in myself and not him?"
Steve could no longer repress the bigger part of his nature. "Oh, I've been meaning to talk to you about that; see, the world was scheduled to revolve around you yesterday. I'm afraid you missed it so... just have to wait until next time... Sorry, Champ!"
"Steve, just walk faster while we're still getting along." Chris instructed, a wide grin on his face.
"Good idea!" agreed Steve with an affirmative nod. "How long do you think we've got?"
"Just walk! Don't think!" was Chris' only reply.
"You're the boss!" said Steve, as the two brothers significantly sped up their pace.
"Oh Chris, while I've got you by yourself..."
"I told you Steve, you're not my type."
"That's a totally different conversation and, by the way, you're totally wrong about that."
"Thanks, Steve, now I'm truly uncomfortable."
"Good!" Steve cheered. "Mission accomplished!"
"Steve, please just say what you wanna say before this conversation gets any more disgusting."
"Well, it's about your Funny Food Phrases tab.
"Oh yeah, what about it?"
Steve sighed heavily and shook his head in disappointment. "If we don't receive payment in full by the end of this month we're gonna have to suspend your account."
"No way; I'm paid up for the month!" Chris protested. "I hugged Rory in the middle of the frickin' mall just last week."
"Uh, correction!" chimed Steve. "You stood there while Rory hugged you... No points for Mister Chris!"
"Fine." groaned Chris. "We'll discuss the art of hugging later. New topic please."
An idea flashed into Steve's mind. "Ooh!" he cheered.
"What?"
"I've just thought of the perfect thing to get for Jared!" said Steve excitedly. "Remind me to call the costume shop when we get home!"
Chris grimaced in confusion. "I'm afraid to ask."
"I just thought of a way to give Jared some target practice." explained Steve, a bemused tone in his voice.
"So you're gonna call a costume shop?" Chris asked in disbelief. "What exactly do you plan to get there?"
"A suit of armor!" exclaimed Steve emphatically. "Dude, the metal would attract the lightening bolts so he wouldn't be so nervous about blowing other things up."
"Well Bro', I gotta hand it to you, you're a bigger man than I am."
"Aw shucks!... That's sweet." said Steve with a bashful smile.
"And Chris, one last thing... about what size are you?"