Once I had the rarest rose that ever deigned to bloom
Cruel Winter chilled the bud and stole my flower too soon
Oh Loneliness... Oh hopelessness... To search the ends of time
For there is, in all the world, no greater love than mine

Always

Beloved,

I've been staring at this sheet of paper for what feels like hours now. I keep wanting every word that falls on this page to be worthy of your memory. I'm even writing with the quill that you loved so much, hoping it would make me feel nearer to you somehow. Instead I feel like a child... My hand keeps fumbling as though I'm learning to write for the first time. I keep hearing your voice in my head when I start to give up though, and I continue to try, for you. I wouldn't allow myself to disappoint you then, and I won't allow it now. I hope the paper I'm writing on will forgive me, since I don't have anywhere to send this letter. I write it only for myself.

Please forgive me for the choice I made. I couldn't bear the thought of you walking the world with my blood on your hands. As far as I'm concerned, there was no choice to be made. But 'mercy'... That word no longer means anything to me. I'm sure that's what whoever did this to us had planned. It's a crime, that this world will continue to turn without you in it.

I deeply regret that you left this world not knowing if I would be able to save our sons. The truth is that the doctors never had any intention of letting me go. But, thanks to Dad, Wyatt, and Rory, we did save them. Your wish was granted... They were allowed to live, but not without a price. As for my brothers and I... Well, you already know who survived, since those who did not are there with you. I'm sure of it.

As promised, my curse is to be inherited by the twins on their thirteenth birthday. Dad has done everything he can to try and find a way around this, but has found no answers. But I believe I've found a way to spare them.

Thanks to the blood, the lock of hair, and the charms you left behind, I've been able to create a means for them to escape back in time. I'll be twenty years old when they arrive. They'll be surrounded by more love than they can stand, and I remember that I still had enough fight and hope in me back then to be the father they would need me to be, no matter how young. It's hard to believe how much the world can change a man in only twelve years.

It is my hope that the curse cannot reach the twins in the past. And as for their survival, yet again, your wish will save them. No matter what happens in the past, they will survive, even if you and I do not. And because of the gifts we were given by the Elders, they will remain safe from this dark day, and can always find the younger, hopeful me. The future will not be able to steal them back. I've made sure of that much. There are many complications, and there are many other things I can't be certain of, but if you were here, you would have enough faith for the both of us. I'm trying... Both for them and for you, I swear to God, I am trying.

I'm sure you'd be happy to know that I gave the boys the names Rider and Riley. They were the two names you had circled on the book-marked page in your Book of Baby Names.

The boys will be a year old in about a month and a half. They're so beautiful that it hurts me to look at them... but it's not an dark kind of hurt. It's the kind of hurt that reminds a person that something inside them is healing. Still, they scare the hell outta me, but Mom says that's pretty common when you first become a parent. And if anyone would know...

I'm afraid... Oh, GOD, I am so afraid. There are just so many things I don't know that I'm sure you would. So many things I can't be certain of. And, of course, I'm expecting perfection from myself and I know that I'm just setting myself up for a fall. But, even though there are many unrealistic promises to them I want to convince myself I could keep to the boys... I won't allow myself to do so.

I can't promise you that I'll make them happy... and I can't promise you that I can give them whatever it is that they need... and I can't promise you that I'll know how or when to say the things they'd need to hear a father say. But... I can promise you that as long as there's a decent breath left in my lungs, I will keep trying. I swear to you... I will.

I'm deeply sorry that I've put off writing this letter for almost a year. To write a letter saying 'goodbye' would mean that I'd have to finally face the fact that you really aren't here anymore. And you never will be again. Though many have told me, even I know now that it truly is time to let go. Not just for myself, but for the boys as well. They need a father who can look forward with hope, not look back with regret.

Even though this is my first step towards goodbye, I will always be grateful to you for seeing the things in me that I wanted to see in myself. For knowing the truest parts of me, and for loving them when I could not. I'll never know what I did to deserve you...

If I don't stop writing now I won't ever stop. I would just write my life away trying to keep you near me.

And so... Finally, thank you for loving me... for seeing whatever it was in me that made you love me... For choosing me to be the one man in this world to father your children... and for showing me what it means to hope. I could never dream of being as pure of heart as you are. But now... I can always hope.

Farewell, my love. It's time for me to walk away. But know that I will never forget you or everything that you have given me... Not even for a moment.

Until we meet again...

Always,

Christopher

note: The poem at the top is from Annie Lennox song, Love Song for a Vampire.