Consider Yourself 'Shanghaied'

If the Halliwell brothers had one collective specialty, other than the slaying demons of course, it was the gift of frequent conversational tangents. This afternoon was no exception and, as usual, the topics covered were many. Some were poignant and some were absurd, but all were entertaining. Leo would doubtlessly agree, had he not been unfortunately summoned away to a brief meeting with the Elders.

Among the conversations was the dispute over the color of their brother Rory's curly hair; was it black or dark brown? In terms of flash card identification, it didn't matter; but Dylan, the colorblind artist, was obsessively particular whenever color accuracy was involved (For the record, Wyatt and Lee both sided with Dylan in his insistence that Rory's hair was black.).

The least dignified discussion, by far, was the dispute inspired by Steve's wondering whether or not Galadriel, the queen of the elves in Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, still had to use the restroom at some point. And, if she did, where was it? This question lost Steve the support of both Wyatt and Lee in all following debates, hence their siding with Dylan's vote of 'black' regarding Rory's dark brown hair.

"Great Steve," Wyatt had said, "You just ruined our favorite movie!" to which Lee added, "Now every time we think of the queen of the elves, she'll be saying, 'Excuse me please, where is your restroom?'"

Before long, Rider, at Chris' insistence, reluctantly orbed himself down into the kitchen to join his uncles. "Uh-oh!" he said with widened eyes, seeing that Wyatt had come back to get him.

"Consider yourself Shanghaied." said Wyatt, teasing the soon-to-be-retrieved 'runaway'.

"Wyatt?" Rider mumbled nervously. "I was gonna come right back after dinner, I swear!"

"No problem, Rider!" Wyatt said Coyly. "Now you'll just be a few hours early."

"You weren't up there long," said Lee. "Run into some brown-haired, blue-green-eyed trouble?"

Rider's shoulders slumped as he purposely pouted. "Dad threatened me with a fate worse than death."

"Sounds scary." said Steve. "Lee, you might wanna cover your ears."

Lee returned, "Steve, you might wanna cover your face."

Wyatt laughed heartily. "Oh man! Dissed by a Care Bear!" he said. "It doesn't get much worse than that."

"Why does Lee only treat me like that?" Steve asked.

Ignoring his brother's question, Wyatt looked back at Rider, folding his arms in amusement. "What'd your Dad threaten you with this time?"

"He was gonna take my speeder away." Rider answered with a hint of a frown.

Steve took this as a sign that Piper would still want him to force Chris to drink Lee's juice. "Good!" he exclaimed cheerfully. "Then you didn't cheer him up too much?"

Dylan gave Steve a judgmental scrunch of the eyebrows. "You - have - PROB-lems" he over annunciated. "Plural!"

"Actually," Rider said, matter-of-factly, "We discussed a trip to Disney World."

Rats, foiled again! Steve thought. "Well that's just great, Rider!" he said, pretending to be more upset than he truly was. "Now I don't get to tie him up."

Rider said quickly, "But I'm sure it's nothing you couldn't undo in 30 seconds or less!"

Steve stared villainously at Rider. "You're just lucky this shirt doesn't have a pocket on it young man."

Wyatt seized the opportunity to tease his nephew. "What d'ya know?" he said, pulling open the pocket of his button-down blue oxford. "Mine does!" He scratched his head, pretending to be deep in thought. "Now let's see, I've got a shrinking spell, if only I had a magic wand!"

"Oh boy…" Rider muttered under his breath. (Way to go, Rider), he thought to himself. (You're up the brown creek, sans paddle).

"Well looky there!" Steve twirled his newly summoned wand between his fingers. "Now where d'ya suppose this come from?"

Dylan joined in the fun. "Gee Rider, when did you get so tall?"

Even Lee took a turn. "Ya know fellas, I might feel better about having a nephew that's three years older than I am if he were, oh I dunno, about three inches tall."

Wyatt looked back down at the pocket of his shirt. "Actually, two-and-a-half inches would be a nicer fit."

"Even better!" said Lee, rubbing his hands together.

"Okay boys," said Leo, entering the kitchen with a wide smile on his face. "Last I heard, Chris was the only pre-approved kidnapping."

"Grandpa! MAN, am I glad you're here!" Rider leapt at Leo, grabbed him in a grateful hug. "I was starting to think I had better chances with Gra-... um… your wife and the makeup counter lady!"

Leo hugged him back after recovering from the shock of being called 'Grandpa'. He wasn't offended or upset by any means. He just hadn't expected to be referred to as such for at least a good twenty years. "What is Piper doing with a makeup counter lady?"

"Nothing anymore." Rider answered, stepping casually out of his Leo's arms. "She's probably buried her already."

Leo gave Steve a look of pretend accusation. "Steve," he said, "Have you by any chance been harassing your nephew?"

"What gives?"Steve threw up his arms, slumping back in his chair."Is there any decade where I'm not the prime suspect?"

"Well Steve," said Dylan, "you do know how young and impressionable the boy is."

"The boy?" Steve echoed. "He's ten months younger than you, ya backstabber."

"Maybe," said Dylan, with overplayed academic arrogance. "but the leap in maturity between 18 and 19 is quite big, you understand."

"And itt gets bigger and bigger every time we have this conversation!" Steve 'hmmphd' and folded his arms, a child's sour frown on his flexible face.

Lee said personally to his father, "This is what happens when Jared's not here. ...Armageddon dress rehearsal."

Leo grinned back at him, wondering if Jared knew what a potent effect he had on his family.

"Actually, it was Dad who told me." said Rider, returning to his conversation with Leo. "He said I probably shouldn't call Piper 'Grandma' because she roasted a lady at a makeup counter for giving her samples of anti-aging cream."

"I wouldn't worry," said Leo with a comforting grin. "We just expected you to be about two feet tall the first time we met you." he explained. "You know, the whole bouncing you on one knee kinda thing."

"Well, you're welcome to bounce me on your knee if you want," said Rider, with playful sincerity, "but don't be too surprised if we get some awfully funny looks from people."

Leo played along: "Good point." he agreed. "How 'bout a rain check 'til you're born then?"

"It's a date," Rider responded, shaking his grandfather's hand. "I'll see you and your knee in about thirty years."

"My knee and I will be looking forward to it." Leo affirmed.

"So then, no age sensitivity?"

"Well, I'm 83." Leo answered. "It's a bit late for that."

"No way!" exclaimed Rider. "Seriously?"

"Yep," Leo nodded proudly. "Turned 83 this past March."

"Wow!" Rider exclaimed. "You should work at the makeup counter!"

"Oh yeah?" Leo smiled widely, already enjoying how it felt to be a Granpa. "And why is that?"

"It'd sure up their sales on anti-aging cream!"

Leo laughed shaking his head. (Looks like we'll all be laughing a lot in the future, he thought. (We sure deserve it, after all we've been put through.)

Rider pointed to the ceiling and whispered loudly, "What about she who giveth life to all herein?"

"I think she'll be fine." Leo gave Rider a pat on the back. "Your dad could find something to worry about in the Garden of Eden." he said. "and that's before the serpent problem."

Rider gasped with excitement. "Ooh! Ooh! We should put that on his next birthday cake!" he said. "I've just have to run it by Riley first."

"Riley?" Leo tilted his head, interested. "And he would be…?"

"The housekeeper." Rider joked. "He mops a mean floor. A little weak in the vacuuming department. But, he's been in the family for 18 years so… What can ya do, right?"

Leo's face held a curious suspicion. "I see."

Wyatt jumped in. "That's 'Rider-ese' for 'twin brother'."

"Twins? Really?" asked Leo, sounding pleased.

"Yeah, but I'm the good lookin' one." said Rider.

Leo affectionately tussled his grandson's hair. "I can't wrap my head around the fact that Chris is your father."

"So they tell me." said Rider. "Apparently, diet and exercise have done wonders for the man."

"Same as Mom and I." said Wyatt. "Actually, she's only five years older than I am in this time."

Leo pondered for a moment. "I guess you're right." he said. "Seems different somehow."

"Yeah it is!" Steve grumbled. "Mom gets disciplinary rights. We don't." He slanted his eyes in Wyatt's direction. "Oh wait, I forgot. Rory has disciplinary rights too."

Dylan and Lee looked knowingly at Wyatt, both with a look of anticipation.

"Hurts don't it?" Steve taunted his older brother.

"Not gonna work." quipped Wyatt, twiddling his thumbs and gazing into space.

"What am I missing?" asked Leo, looking from one son to the other.

"Steve's just pushing Wyatt's buttons." Lee explained. "Because, if Rory has 'disciplinary rights' then Wyatt does too."

Steve scowled at Lee. "Why, you little…"

"Oops!" Lee teased and covered his mouth with both hands. "Did I just say that?"

"When you least expect it little one." Steve threatened. "When you least expect it!"

"Shakin' in my boots." Lee yawned.

"Feel better?" Dylan asked Wyatt.

"Well, you know how I hate to brag." Wyatt answered coyly.

"Riiiiight." Dylan said sarcastically. "And there's a Beatles Reunion coming up soon too."

Wyatt looked up at his father, eager to change the subject. "So, what did the Elders say?"

Though he tried to disguise it, Leo's manner became somewhat somber and more serious. "Actually, they just wanted to know if everyone made it here okay."

"That's kinda odd, isn't it?" Rider asked.

"I just told them that six sons and one grandson had made it so far." Leo said to them all. "And, that Wyatt and Rider would be going back soon."

"Do you know who told them we were coming?" Lee asked.

Leo let his gaze fall to the center of the table. He could never fib to his sons while looking them in the eye, though he was the only one in the room who had yet to learn this. "They didn't say." he answered. "They just told me to let them know as soon as everyone was accounted for. Just to be safe."

"Is someone missing?" Dylan asked anxiously.

Leo wasn't sure how to answer. He looked to Wyatt, hoping he would give him a clue of some sort. Wyatt avoided any eye contact with his father, but was clearly trying to mask any concern. "They didn't say." Leo finally answered. "It's probably nothing."

Only Lee thought to look to Wyatt for signs of a clue, suspecting that he might know more than he was letting on. Earlier, he had noticed a brief look of discomfort on Wyatt's face when asked why he had come. Still, whenever it came to Wyatt, Chris, or Rory, it never occurred to Lee to question whether or not everything would eventually work itself out. If any of his three oldest brothers were near, he felt an unshakeable sense of security.

Lee had almost instantly taken his gaze away from Wyatt to avoid drawing any unwanted attention. The two brothers did, however, exchange thoughts.

Would you rather we not know? Lee asked telepathically.

No need to worry anyone until I know for sure, Wyatt responded. It's probably nothing.

You know, a nun could lie better than you.

Trust me, Wyatt responded. I'll take care of it.

In that moment, Chris orbed himself and Piper down to the kitchen to join the others. Before she had a chance to notice that Wyatt had newly arrived, Piper honed in on her grandchild. Rider saw her stepping toward him from the corner of his eye, but his nerves prevented him from turning to look up at her. He felt his heart jump as Piper placed her hand firmly on his shoulder.

"Hey there." she said, a little too enthusiastically. "A little birdie told me you think I need anti-aging cream."

Rider glared blamefully over at his father.

Chris scoffed defensively. "What makes you think it was me?"