Traffic in the Attic

Part One: 'Dick Tea on Airy'

Chris sat on the fuzzy velvet couch in the Manor's Attic, thumbing through Dylan's newly made flash cards to check for potential errors, while Dylan stood at the podium with the Book of Shadows, deciding which essential spells and/or potions were missing.

"Oh my God, Dylan!" exclaimed Chris, arriving at Steve's card.

"What's wrong?" asked Dylan, lifting his concerned eyes up out of the book. "Did I misspell something?"

"Depends on what you were trying to spell." answered Chris, his eyebrows scrunched in disbelief. "Did you intentionally put down 'Pneumonia' as Steve's middle name?"

"Yeah, that's right." Dylan answered, with casual sincerity. "Thanks for double-checking though."

Chris said sarcastically: "And the award for 'Best Dead Man Walking' goes to... "

"Well, what was I supposed to do?" exclaimed Dylan, sounding a wee bit flustered. "He turned down Pegasus, Pumpernickel, Parasol, Pompous, and Papaya."

"You don't say." Chris said, playing along with obvious exaggeration. "What can he possibly be thinking?"

"I really didn't have much of a choice." Dylan explained, trying to prove his innocence. "It was literally the last name I could find beginning with a 'p', that he didn't turn his nose up at."

"Name?" The tone in Chris voice made him sound truly astonished. "As in, you found 'Pneumonia' in a book of Baby Names?"

"Fine, I'll come clean!" Dylan sighed exasperatedly. "I just remembered 'Pneumonia' from this book I've been reading." he confessed. "I got it at BORDERS last time we all went together."

Chris' spoke as one with a single particular memory, forever engraved on his mind. "Would this be the time that I was flirting with that beautiful woman and Steve came up, took my hand and said: 'Come on, Honey, we told the babysitter we'd be home half an hour ago?' THAT trip to BORDERS?"

Dylan sounded truly insulted. "Yeah, maybe that's what happened to you, but we're talking about me now."

"Well excuuuse me!" Chris said patronizingly, before getting back to Dylan's story. "So, you got this book..."

"Right." Dylan replied. "Now, I don't know exactly how it's pronounced. I've been saying Dick-Tea-on-Airy." He seemed to be completely serious in his claims. "Ever heard of it?"

"I'm not sure." Chris answered, as if to humor him. "Where did you hear about this book?"

Dylan sounded almost as though he were narrating a fairytale. "Well, I noticed that every single smart person I knew owned a copy of it. Sometimes two. So, I figured: if all the smart people are reading it, then it must be a pretty good read."

"That makes sense." Chris pretended to agree.

"Oh, but there's more!"

"Seriously?"

Dylan's inflection became more animated as he went further into his story. "Not only does this book have it's own section in the bookstore, apparently it's been translated into every single language there is. Believe it or not, I even found one in Klingon; that's how popular this book is.

"Wow." Chris said, as though humoring a six-year-old. "This book sounds like it's its own little phenomenon."

Dylan gasped as he said: "But there's even more!"

"Okay, now you're just pulling my leg."

"I swear upon Rider's speeder I am not."

"So tell me."

"Well... Each chapter... every single word in it begins with the same letter."

With ridiculously phony astonishment, Chris exclaimed: "No way!"

"I swear on Riley's book of Folktales I'm telling the truth." Dylan said assuredly.

"This author must be a genius!"

"Oh, they must be." Dylan enthusiastically agreed. "Especially since, in case you're unfamiliar with one or more of the words." he paused for dramatic effect. "the definition is written out right! there! beside it!"

Chris sounded like an infomercial. "I have got to get my hands on this book."

"They're everywhere!" exclaimed Dylan, sounding quite amazed. "You should have no trouble finding them. And they're always well stocked so you don't have to worry about their being sold out."

"So this book." Chris went on. "I'll bet once you pick it up, you can't put it down."

For the first time, Dylan sounded less than bewildered. "Well, that's where I'm a little confused."

"Oh?" asked Chris, patronizingly. "And why is that?"

Dylan actually sounded a bit anxious and upset. "Well, it's just that there's practically no plot whatsoever. The only possible explanation I can think of is that it's written in only metaphors."

"Huh."

"And weird ones at that."

Chris stated: "I wonder why it's so popular then."

"Beats me." Dylan replied. "It can't be for the characters, because there's no character development whatsoever. And what I really don't get is why every character is only mentioned a single time."

"That IS pretty strange." Chris said skeptically.

"Seriously." Dylan agreed. "How are we supposed to identify with the characters if we don't go on some sort of a literary journey with them?"

"Good question." answered Chris, then asked pensively: "Do you think Steve will go for it? I mean, if he learns that this 'Pneumonia' person is just a character in this book you bought?"

"I hope so." Dylan sighed. "If not, I can just get a book of Baby Names and show him that."

"Now Dylan," Chris began, "if you can find the name 'Pneumonia' in a book of Baby Names, then I will give you one of my sons."

It appeared as though Dylan was seriously considering Chris' offer. "Which one?"

Chris apathetically replied: "Take your pick. I don't care."

The attic door burst open. Rider and Riley both stood in the doorway, hands on their hips, with disapproval written all over their faces.

Chris and Dylan, however, burst into laughter.

Folding his arms and tapping his foot with frustration, Riley huffed: "Would it've killed ya to just say that you knew we were out here?"