I Just Chained My Kid to the House

It had never occurred to Paige that The Twilight Zone and Paradise could be one in the same. Here she was, not even thirty years old, carrying a picture of her warm, smiling family, on (of all things) a "Pick-Your-Own-Pumpkin" outing, in (of all places) Oklahoma. As far as Paige was concerned, she'd been given the most precious of gifts: the promise that her future would more than make up for that which she had already sacrificed.

As she arrived at the front door, Paige set the family photo facedown on the inside table. She brushed herself off and took a deep breath, wanting to appear dramatically unaffected by Henry's little... stunt.

Just as Henry was raising his hand to knock, Paige casually opened the front door.

"How did you kn-?"

Paige glided past her bewildered husband and over to Baby Hunter's carrier, sitting about fifteen feet away from the front door, right up against the Manor. "Hey there, little guy." she said tenderly. "Welcome to the world."

Though Paige had expected to see a newborn baby, the additional sight of a 24-year-old young man, handcuffed to an iron pillar, was a bit of a surprise. Still, she played it off with remarkable poise. "Something's different than the last time this happened." she said with a slow pensiveness. "You've already done the whole randomly-show-up-with-newborn-baby thing, so that's not it. But there's definitely something different this time; I just haven't put my finger on it yet."

As Hunter chuckled silently, Henry opened his mouth to speak. "You're not possessed again are y-..."

"Don't tell me." Paige interrupted. "Let me figure it out on my own."

Recognizing his mother's own brand quirky sarcasm, Hunter felt immediately put at ease. She clearly knew who he was. The fact that he was wearing handcuffs, however, was a smidge embarrassing.

"Now, I'm not positive," Paige began, "but if I had to guess... I'd say that this handsome young man, whom you've graciously handcuffed to the railing for reasons I'm hoping you're prepared to explain, was not here the last time you pulled your little spontaneous stork stunt."

Hunter smiled. "I tried to tell h-..."

"Hey!" Henry exclaimed. "What'd I tell you about talking to my wife?"

"Henry!" Paige scolded, "How is it you can handcuff the poor boy, in traditional flogging position by the way. I mean, do his hands really need to be that high up? Honestly Henry, wouldn't eye level have done the trick?"

Henry was nearly convinced that his wife had completely lost her marbles. "Paige, are you sure you're feel-"

"Not finished!" she snapped. "As I was saying, how is it that you can you put the poor boy in manacles, but deny him the right to speak?"

Henry said cautiously, "Speaking of the right to speak..."

Paige nodded. "Please."

Rather than step out onto the landing, Henry remained by the still-open door. "Paige, this kid's a damn psycho. Not only did..."

"Ya know, Henry," Paige interrupted, "you really shouldn't say things like that about the mentally ill. Studies have shown that..."

"Not finished."

Paige scoffed. "Fine then."

"Thank you... Not only did this kid follow me all way from a courthouse in Phoenix, and I'm still not sure how he managed that, I can't get the little freak to quit calling me 'Dad'."

"Well my God, Henry, what do you want him to call you?" Paige snapped. "I mean if he calls me..." She looked at Hunter. "Actually, what do you call me?"

Hunter grinned warmly. "We call you 'Mom'."

Paige knew that hearing the word 'Mom' would get her heart fluttering, but the unexpected addition of the word 'we' made her positively giddy. "Do me favor. Say that again!"

It took Hunter a few seconds before he could, being too busy chuckling at the time. "We all call you 'Mom', Mom."

Those of you who are familiar with Paige's vast repertoire of animated facial expressions would've no doubt recognized the wide smiling of her eyes, the thrilled hand over her heart, and the gleeful gasp into lungs that weren't designed to handle quite that amount of air. Naturally a pleasant dizziness followed.

"Okay," Henry began, "if this were any other family, I'd think I was the only sane one and everyone else was crazy. But with this family, I'm starting to wonder if I'm the one who needs his head examined."

"No, you're fine." said Paige. "I mean, as long as you can see him too."

"I'm good with the whole 'seeing him' thing." said Henry. "It's the fact that you're somehow convinced that we're his parents... AND the fact that he agrees with you that's got me a little nervous." He gestured at Baby Hunter resting comfortably in his carrier. "I mean, if ya said that about this little guy I might be able to be talked into that, as soon as you got me drunk enough."

Though the thought of scolding her husband for mentioning his getting drunk in front of their son crossed her mind, Paige figured she should pick her battles carefully, and that just wasn't one of them. "What if I told you that they're the same person, but one of them is from the future?"

"You're kidding, right? THAT is supposed to make this little scenario more believable?"

Paige thought she'd try a different approach. She asked Hunter, "Have you told him your name yet?"

Hunter shook his head.

"Good." Paige responded, then looked back at Henry. "How about this, what's the baby's name?"

"He doesn't have one yet."

"Ooh." said Paige with a frown. "That's not gonna help."

Paige looked up concernedly at Hunter's shackled wrists. "Those can't be comfortable. Why don't you let him out of the handcuffs and let him explain."

"No, I've got a better idea," said Henry, "How 'bout he explains it to me, then I'll let him outta the handcuffs."

"Well could you at least move them down a couple of notches so he doesn't have to stand on his toes to keep his hands from being ripped off?"

Hunter jumped in. "It's alright, Mom. Really, I'm fine."

Paige spoke softly into his ear. "I could go get one of the family pictures. What do ya think?"

"I dunno. It might send him even further over the edge."

"Good point."

Henry interrupted. "What's goin' on? What're you two talking about?"

Just then, Paige heard her voice in her mind once again. It was one of the 'head starts' that Lee had told her about earlier. This time, however, her voice was singing instead.

"I've got it!" she whispered. "Just follow my lead."

"Hey! I have an idea!" Paige said loudly to Hunter. "Why don't we go to a pick... your own... pumpkin place this Halloween!"

Hunter knew exactly where his mother was headed. "Gee Mom!" he resounded. "That sounds swell! But, where do you suppose we should go?"

Henry shook his head, as if to shake himself awake, as his wife and future son began to wildly sing.

Ohhhhh Oklahoma
Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plane
And the waving wheat... can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain...

Henry, looking like an embarrassed little boy, hid his face in his hands. He went over the possibilities as to how Hunter could possibly know that he had a soft spot in his heart for a particular musical. He didn't own the CD and he kept the record hidden in his closet because he'd be embarrassed if visitors were to see it. He wouldn't dare tell anyone at work about it.

Ohhhhh Oklahoma
Every night my honey lamb and I
Sit alone and talk... and watch a hawk
Making lazy circles in the sky...

"Ta-da!" Paige exclaimed, as she stepped up to her husband.

Henry looked dizzy to the point of falling over. His mumbling was barely audible. "Please don't tell me that I just chained my kid to the house."

Before Paige responded, Hunter replied. "It's okay Dad."

Suddenly, Hunter vanished. There were no orbs, no fading out, nothing. There were just handcuffs dangling from the pillar.

Henry felt himself get slapped on the rear, and Hunter's voice behind him.

"After all..."

Before Henry had time to jerk around and look, Hunter reappeared in front of him.

"You warned me that you would."