Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, or Doctor Who. Honestly, did you think I did?

-

Ianto sipped at his freshly made coffee, taking deep breaths along with it. He had always found the smooth aroma of fresh coffee relaxing, able to ease any tension from weary bones after a hard day at work, no matter what he'd had to do. Today though, here was no such effect. He glanced momentarily over at the fridge. No…he didn't feel like eating. Again. Belatedly, he wondered when the last time he had gone grocery shopping was. Not in awhile, at least.

A shower, he thought. A shower and then bed. Sleep if he could manage it.

He rinsed the cup and set it aside to dry before walking out of his little kitchen. Loosening his tie, he made for the bathroom, hoping the hot water would wash Jack and the Doctor out of his thoughts. But standing under the showerhead, eyes closed, water cascading down on him, trickling down his back…he couldn't help but think of Jack's heart-warming smile, Jack's loving touches heating his skin, Jack holding him, as if he were the most precious thing on Earth…

Ah. But that was the catch, wasn't it? Jack wasn't from Earth in the first place (and neither was the Doctor). He wasn't even from the 21st century. To him, Ianto was just another in a long list of people he'd been in a relationship with. Ianto was willing to bet Jack didn't even see him that way. He wasn't even sure if what they had could be called a relationship. It was just meant to be a casual thing, wasn't it? And Jack had never said anything to the contrary. But still…Ianto had felt there was more…right up until the moment when Jack had just vanished on him.

The water was turned off. Ianto, towelled and dry, changed into his black silk pyjamas and went to bed yawning. But with the lights off, and the light from outside cut out completely by thick, heavy black curtains, Ianto was wide awake. The bed seemed to big for one person - and too cold. And the darkness was terrifying. Staring into the darkness…he couldn't see anything. It was just…nothing. A cold, bleak nothing. There was nothing there for him, nothing there to keep Ianto sane. He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed the pillow next to him, hugging it to his chest as if it were his last lifeline, breathing in it's scent in desperation. It was Jack's. Or at least, it was the pillow Jack had used, on the few nights he had actually been there, watching Ianto as he slept. But now, even with his eyes closed, with Jack's pheromones all around him, Ianto was still panicking.

He had crashed after Lisa's death. The weeks he had spent suspended, he had almost been ready to kill himself. Only Jack had stopped him. Jack had thrown him a lifeline, saved him from drowning in misery, guilt, sorrow. Saved him from the darkness, the nothingness. Everything that was Ianto after that was because of Jack. Jack had become the foundation of Ianto's life, his main reason for being. When he left, what had been left of Ianto had floundered, tried to keep afloat…and failed. And now, here he was again.

Like a fucking rollercoaster.

His return had filled Ianto with hope. "I came back for you", Jack had said. The darkness faded, only to come crashing down again at Jack's refusal, Jack saying the Doctor needed him. Ianto Jones was a man of subtext.

He rolled onto his other side, got up and turned the lights on. He briefly contemplated throwing the curtains open as well, but turned down the thought. He'd rather keep this part of him to himself than expose it to the world. He got back into bed, hoping the light would help him sleep, still clutching helplessly at the pillow.

--

Jack sighed, hoping his words hadn't cut Ianto too deeply. Truth be told, Jack wasn't all that sure he was up to a relationship yet. He hadn't even been prepared earlier, when Ianto had kissed him! It was as far from Jack's usual demeanour as he had ever imagined. The mere thought of having someone so close to him…of entrusting himself to someone, or even a part of himself…was daunting. Not that he'd ever admit it, of course, but Jack's fears of loss…and pain…and grief…Well. As if he would stop for long enough to finish that thought. Living as long as he had, he knew when to stop so that the darkness wouldn't catch him.

He drained the coffee – and it was very good coffee. He had meant it earlier, saying that coffee alone would have helped him on the Valiant. Not the coffee itself, but the fact that it's sheer existence reflected Ianto's. To be able to drink that coffee…meant Ianto was alive. Safe. And most definitely not murdered before his eyes. No. He couldn't think of that right now. He would panic if he did, and panic was bad.

He stood and shook his head roughly, as if infectious thoughts could be physically shaken away. Ianto would have laughed at him. A memory flashed before his eyes. Ianto dragged into the room, hands bound behind his back, still wearing that suit. Ianto's determined eyes faltering as they locked onto Jack. The Master's laughter. The pleas welling up inside Jack. Knowing he was utterly powerless. Knowing if he pleaded, it would only be worse for Ianto. Ianto alive. Ianto dead. The Master's laughter. The drums. The soothing abyss of death. The darkness.

Jack's hands, clenching at the side of the table, were the only things that prevented him from crashing. He could feel it, right on the edge of all the checks he had placed on it, the panic, threatening to blind his vision and erupt. He took a deep breath, eyes closed, and pushed it back. No! Ianto was safe. The Master had fallen. He knew that. But his mind still remembered. And his heart still felt. And there was nothing that could be done about that. He walked quickly out of his office, leaving the empty coffee mug staring forlornly at his back, and went to find the Doctor.

Jack pushed open the TARDIS door and stepped through, shuddering slightly at the pulsing red glow. Closing the door behind him, he noticed the air inside was actually a lot colder than the Hub.

"Doctor?"

There was no answer. Not that Jack had really expected one to begin with. The telltale sign of the Doctor's coat thrown over a chair - wasn't the Timelord cold? – showed Jack he was around, somewhere. The top of the Doctor's head, just visible over the control console showed Jack where. The Doctor had patched it up as best he could and to be honest, the console looked fairly normal. Looking normal and being normal however…were two separate things. And it didn't apply exclusively to the Tardis.

Jack walked around the room to the Doctor. He was sitting on the floor, back against the console, knees drawn in towards him, face in his hands. His breathing was shallow and ragged. Jack watched him quietly for a moment, and then sat down besides the Doctor, pulling him in to rest against Jack's shoulder. They sat in silence, lost in thought.

"He was everything to me. I was so ready to give it all up, just to have him again. He wasn't bad. No, not really. It was never really about universal domination with him, it was me. Always me. An audience to watch on. An obsession. A way to prove he was stronger, that he could hold dominance over everything, over me."

Jack's eyebrows rose. The Doctor never noticed.

"The drums. It was always them too. I almost feel responsible for them, the drums…" He lapsed into silence again.

"I thought he was back. I thought, for once, I'd get a happy ending. That maybe…I wasn't alone again. Well, that's me. Doomed to loneliness I am." He stood abruptly with a shake of his head. "Enough of that now."

Jack stood with him and then noticed – "Hey! You've got Tosh's …book scanner…thing in here. She was looking for that all afternoon."

The Doctor almost looked sheepish. "Well…" he drawled, before his voice picked up speed. "I only borrowed it! Thought it looked interesting. Haven't seen one this side of the 32nd century before! I rewired the Tardis translation circuit with that, I did. Not that I need it really, fluent in billions of languages I am. Never really got the hang of reading Welsh though. And I thought it might help out you lot to be able to understand what you're dealing with. And then, I thought, you know what, while I'm at it, why not give it an upgrade at the same time? It does locks too now. Unscrambles bits of code. No egg though. Can't unscramble that. Yet. Do you need egg unscrambled?"

Jack gaped at him for a few seconds, taking in the complete change. It seemed a bit of tinkering was good for the Doctor.

"Doctor, why would you unscramble an egg?"

"Oh, parlour trick that. All you have to do is-"

"And it did locks before you know."

The Doctor deflated a little. "Oh…well, I'm sure it does more locks now. It's got a more stable operating system too. Latest one actually. I still had the complimentary upgrade chip from the time I visited their factories back in-"

Jack smiled. Later, he would wonder if too many years spent on Earth had resulted in this 'just carry on' attitude when it came to crisis. He would wonder if, in years to come, he would be like the Doctor, able to switch so rapidly between moods. He would wonder if that was actually a good thing. But for the moment, he relaxed, the man who could never die, in the company of the last Timelord, in a time and space ship that was bigger on the inside, deep underground in the headquarters of a beyond-classified secret organisation designed to combat alien threats…and smiled at the normality of it all