Thank you to everyone who's put this story on alert, reviewed, recc'd, etc. You guys are awesome.

Writeontime and Ciaobella27 are the best beta and prereader ever.

I don't own Twilight.

Maybe if things were different, I'd like New York. It's beautiful, in its own way. Ugly sometimes, but that's when I really love it and feel like I belong. I could see myself being happy here in another life. Going to school, working, meeting up with friends for happy hour and eating the delicious food I've only tasted from oversized containers, and never off plates sitting around a table, surrounded by other people.

Thinking about leaving this apartment and my life here makes me sad, and I don't know why. Maybe it's my freedom that I will miss once I'm back living with my parents. Maybe I just want to be close to people I know, even if I choose not to see these people while I'm still here. The idea of being back in Forks depresses me. It's a shitty little town. I'll be living in a small, ugly house, no matter what my mother tries to do with it. Anyone I knew in high school who I'd still want to be friends with has left. I have no interest in those who have stayed. Still, sometimes thinking about going back makes me feel happy. A warmth that I associate with comfort and safety takes over, and for a few seconds, I think I've made the right decision. Then I remember what I have to face once I get there.

What is it going to be like, seeing my parents for the first time in almost a year? Will there be hugs? Kisses? Will the disappointment I hear in Dad's voice also show on his face, or will he try to hide it? He's a terrible actor, and any attempts to appear cheerful, and happy to have me back, will only make it worse. And Mom. She pretends like nothing has happened. I love and hate this. I want to know what they're thinking. I need to know what they think of me. But I don't want to know what this has done to them.

I mean, what if they look older, more tired? It could just be because eleven months have passed, but it's not like their lives are difficult. Their jobs are fairly stress free. No debt, no illness. Just a daughter who's a whore and who's coming back to live with them in a town so small that she can't hide.

It would be much easier to just stay here, and hide here, and obsess over my life and myself while reading book after book and sleeping all day. Mom isn't going to let me do that. And I'm going to want to kill her. I probably won't end up staying in Forks for long. I bet I'll take Jasper up on his offer after a few weeks to come back and stay with him.

He's nice to offer, but it wouldn't work. My first boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend. My best friend. The reason why I ended up in D.C. in the first place. He's too many things. Nowadays he's also a playboy, or so they say. Europe did wonders for him. He's looking better—he looked like shit after Alice, and I can only blame myself for that. He's in a good mood—but he still has to talk to someone and take things… and I swear I'm not the one stealing his pills, except of course I am.

I can't stay here forever, which is why I'm leaving, but I'm more than ready to return to Jasper if I can't handle Forks and my parents. Knowing Jasper, however, he'll have a new girlfriend who wouldn't want me around, and he'd ruin things with her for my sake, and I'll hate myself and get back together with him, and he'd hate me because we don't work as a couple, and then he'd dump me, or I'd leave him, and then we'd find a way back to each other, but just as friends, until I ruin his life again.

I pull on a dress I wore a few days ago that has been lying on the floor since I took it off, realizing it's too big and makes me look hungry and sick. I think it looks fine now, which means I was probably being crazy the last time I tried it on. Whatever. I just need something to wear to Jasper's room. He texted me to let me know he's awake. This apartment is huge, and I'd never be able to hear him if he called out my name.

His door is open and he's lying on his bed, looking hot and wrong and tempting. I smile. It's big and bad and full of memories and secrets, and he sees it. I jump on the bed and lie next to him. Do I want him like I used to want him? Or has it been that long? I sigh and close my eyes, thinking about the last time I let someone touch me.

"You're buzzing," Jasper says. "If I touch you, poof, you'll explode." His grin is playful and his hand is on my knee, under it, being unfair and promising things I don't think I want. We've been touching knees and kissing temples and foreheads and playing with strands of hairs for days, but I always skip away when he starts to feel too good sitting or lying next to me.

"Whatever."

"How long has it been?" he asks.

"It's been a while…" I avoid looking at him when I say this, not only because I don't want to admit how long it's been, but because I'm annoyed that he's asking.

"Really?" His voice says he doesn't believe me. "Not even with Peter?"

"We're just friends. And do you really think I'm out there having sex with people? That's the last thing I need—more gossip, more drama."

"Eventually you're going to have to trust people, Bella."

"Yeah. Eventually."

"So not since…?" Jasper starts laughing, and I'd be angry, but it's kind of funny.

"I've had sex since you, asshole!"

"Oh really?" he asks, tugging on a strand of my hair.

"Yeah."

"Who was the lucky guy?"

"Someone I met in Forks, right before we found out about Alice. God, I can't even remember his name."

"It must not have been the most memorable experience."

"Believe me," I tell him, "it was."

"And you can't remember his name?"

"I was a little drunk."

"Of course you were."

I pinch his forearm and kick his legs away, but he's fast and he catches my legs between his. I think about that night, and I'm blushing, not because of what I did, but because I'm embarrassed of how hopeful I was and how I thought I could spend a summer with a complete stranger just because he was nice to me in bed.

"Actually, I do remember his first name. Edward. He was hot, but a total loser."

"Maybe it's a good thing then that you were summoned back east. Better than slumming it for an entire summer."

"I wasn't—he just lived with his parents, which, really… I mean, your parents own this apartment, and I'll be moving in with my parents soon, so maybe we shouldn't judge."

"Bella, you're in a penthouse overlooking the park. So fuck you," Jasper says with a smile and a kiss, then two, then three along my jaw. Maybe I should be jumping off the bed, but I don't want to.

"No, fuck you."

He kisses me. It's been a long time since Jasper last kissed me. It was before our last break up, and before everything happened. I had just moved to D.C., and we thought it would work out, finally. Just us. It lasted a week. At first, I really missed the kisses and his body and his humor and his brain, but then it was like he had never existed.

"Stay here."

I'm lying on top of Jasper. He's warm and his fingers are on my face, touching my lips and then tickling me under my chin. I kiss him, and move against him, and this feels good.

"I'm not going anywhere," I tell him, biting an earlobe, licking his neck.

"Stay in New York. You're making a mistake."

"Stay here and do what?"

"Who cares? I'm here. We'll figure something out. I'll ask my father, and you'll have a job by the end of the month."

"I don't want that," I tell him. But I do, don't I? Jasper's never offered this before—usually he just offers to talk to people himself—but I've thought about it. His father can get me any job I want. I've fantasized about this. A job, and money, and not having to move back to Forks. I kiss him again. I want him to repeat it because he's a flake, and he forgets, and I need this so badly.

"You don't want a job in the city?"

"Any job?" I ask.

"Beggars can't be choosers, Bella."

"I want a nice job."

"Anything you want," he breathes. Of course. My hand is on him and he can't think too well.

"Even the shittiest job Mr. Hale can get me would be better than the most prestigious job back home, but I just want the very best." My hand moves up and I wrap my arms around his neck.

"The way your mind works is scary," he says. It's always interesting how he acts like he's shocked that I want the best, and I want prestige, and I want more and more. Like it disgusts him. But he wouldn't understand. He always had the very best. And he likes my ambition. So he doesn't judge too much. And he wants the best for me. I smile at him as he watches me move against him. We're not kissing anymore, but I want to, so I do.

"Just stay until we figure it out," he says a few minutes later, completely out of breath.

"And do what? Fuck all day?"

"I missed your dirty mouth."

I laugh and we kiss and I rub myself over him until his hand is tugging down his shorts and pushing up my dress, and fuck it. I take it off and throw it behind me. We've done this a thousand times. Somehow my underwear stays on (but gets pushed to the side), and so does my bra, but my nipples are in his fingers and mouth and his teeth bite, and my nails scratch, and God, this is so amazing. It never gets boring with Jasper. It never gets old. And for a few seconds after, I think maybe I'm falling back in love with the kisses and touches and the sweet way he holds me and rocks me, but no, we've tried this so many times, and no, no, no.

"Think about it," he says, "why go back home? I'm here, and—"

"We're not compatible."

"Says who?" He's pressing himself against me and licking my neck, and I know he wants to do this again and again.

"Not everything is about sex."

"You know better than that, Isabella."

"Would you date me? Take me out, publicly?" I ask him.

"You just said yourself that we're not compatible."

"So what? We have sex and then I'm not part of your life in the real world, and what…? Been there, done that. No thanks."

"Don't make me out to be the monster here, Bell. You don't want to date me any more than I want to date you. I'm your best friend, and I know this is all my fault. I just want to make it up to you. Let me do that. And if we have sex while I'm making it up to you, it only makes everything better."

I shake my head. "It's not your fault. You don't have to make it up to me. I love you anyway."

"It's my fault," he insists.

"Why? Because you fell in love with Alice and wanted me to have a friend in a new city?"

"You moved there for me, and it didn't even last a week."

"I moved there because interning at the White House is a huge deal, and I wouldn't have passed that up."

"You applied because I asked you to," Jasper reminds me.

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean the whole thing wasn't a dream come true for me. Stop blaming yourself."

"I see your life now, and I can't help it. I've put you through so much. You called me, you needed a friend, and I encouraged you to talk to us…"

"You trusted her. I trusted her. Anyone would have trusted her."

"I truly believed—"

"That she was the love of your life, I know."

"I hurt you back then, didn't I?" he asks.

"A little bit."

"I'm sorry. I flaunted our relationship in your face…"

"I contacted you because the president was flirting with me and I was freaking out. You did nothing wrong. You had a girlfriend."

"Yeah."

I touch him a little, thinking maybe he'll forget all about her if my hand is on his dick. Guys are pretty simple like that. She may be haunting his dreams, but right now he's probably not heartbroken or sad. Just feeling really good.

"Do you miss her?" I ask him, because I'm stupid and don't think before I open my mouth.

"If I ever see her again, I'll punch her in the face."

This makes my heart beat fast. I'm thrilled. Happy. Confident. A little cocky.

"I have fantasies where I strangle her," I admit. "She begs me to let her breathe."

"She was into that sort of thing."

We laugh and he holds me tight, apologizing one last time. I don't blame him for anything that happened, but it's like he gets a sick pleasure from blaming himself. Every phone call, every other email… I almost want to feel better and smile more often for Jasper's sake. He needs to let himself off the hook.

"I'm hungry."

"Say that again?"

"I'm hungry," I repeat.

"Wow. That's a first. What are you in the mood for?"

"Burgers."

"You know there's a Shake Shack close by now?"

"We don't have to go to the gross park anymore?"

"Nope. Excited?" he asks with a grin.

"Do they deliver?"

"No, we can walk over."

"I don't know…"

"We can wear disguises."

I know he's kidding, but I play along. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

We end up having sex again before leaving the apartment for burgers. It's hot and good and I'll miss it when I move back to Forks. He gets up to take a shower, and I stare at him, his body, his hair. The last time I heard from Alice, she left me a message on my phone, telling me how she'd never forgive me for her breakup with Jasper. I don't know what she thought would happen when she leaked those tapes and emails. Did she think Jasper would forgive her for destroying my life? Did she think she would be able to maintain her innocence? Does she think I care about whether or not she'll ever forgive me? I don't. And spending time with him, and living in his apartment, and sleeping with him… it's delicious. It's the best type of revenge, because according to Alice herself, she's still in love with him, and there will be no one else for her, and Jasper was her entire life. I doubt she's capable of those feelings and emotions, but if she is, I win. He's never going back to her.

But I can't help but wonder… does he want to go back? If it wasn't for me, if he didn't feel all this guilt, would he want to be with her again? What Alice did told us a lot about the type of person she is, and Jasper maybe fell out of love. He says she disgusts him, that he's over her. I want to believe him, for his sake. I watch him walk back into his bedroom, looking for clothes in his messy closet, and I really hope he's okay. We always talk about me, never about what's going on in his life. There's never any time for that.

"Are you ready?" he asks, examining a few shirts he found. I point to a blue one I like.

"Yeah."

"You might want to brush your hair."

"Whatever, I'll probably wear a hat."

"What's the point of dyeing your hair a different color if you're going to keep wearing hats?"

"I just don't want to walk around with sex hair," I tell him. "And I'm too lazy to go back to my room and find a brush."

"Bad liar. You know, maybe going back to Forks will be good for you. Just relax for a while. No photographers or assholes on the street to harass you."

"No one harasses me… and it won't be any better there. People will stare."

"I bet they'd stare anyway," he says, "you're hot."

"Hah. Yeah."

Jasper walks over to where I'm lying on his bed and sits down beside me.

"You can come back anytime you want," he says.

I nod. "Exactly."

"I was thinking about it while I was in the shower. You need to spend some time with your parents."

"I know."

"And you'll get away from Peter and his stupid schemes and ideas."

"Schemes?" I ask, even though I know what Jasper is talking about.

"Well not 'schemes', perhaps, but I don't like how he's always trying to get you to on TV. You're better than that."

Am I?

"You're right, I am. I'm not going to be on a reality show like I'm some desperate famewhore." I shudder in disgust, and remember the last conversation I had with Peter about this. With Peter, I act like I'm considering everything he proposes. He wants to help, and he'd get nothing out of these deals, so I trust him. He knows I need money, and he doesn't know about Jasper's willingness to help me find a job through his parents' connections. Or my willingness to take him up on that. I don't know why I act differently around Peter. Maybe I just don't want him to judge me.

"Exactly, you're better than that," Jasper says, buttoning up the shirt we chose. "So you blew the president. Ultimately, you did the entire country a favor, and there are plenty of people who are willing to reward you for that without asking you to make a fool of yourself on television."

"Oh, well, too late for that."

"Bella…"

"Seriously, Jasper? It's okay."

"I'm sorry." He looks sorry, but he also looks like he's over this conversation.

"Don't apologize. It's fine."

I grab his shirt and pull him to me for a kiss. I'm only here for a few more days. I might as well make the best of it.

"Stop making me forget what a shitty girlfriend you were," he says.

"Make an honest woman out of me and I'll stay."

"If I knew you'd say yes, and that we wouldn't kill each other by the end of the week, I would."

"Why didn't we do this the minute you got back? Celibacy sucks, Jasper."

"Find the loser you fucked last summer and do it again."

His shirt is going to get all wrinkled if we keep rolling around on his bed like this. "Ugh. Shut up."

"Cheer up, Bell. You're coming back here and we're finding you a job, or maybe you'll change your mind and go back to school, and when you're back, we won't wait this long to have some fun."

"It's going to suck," I whine.

"And if you get bored, I'll come visit."

"You'll visit me in Forks?" I ask, not really believing a word that's coming from his mouth.

"Of course. Or we'll meet up somewhere on the west coast." Of course.

"I think you'd like Forks."

"I think you're lying."

"Feed me."

"Let's go."

None of this is right, but it's not wrong either. We're friends, we have sex, we help each other out. Someday, someone will get hurt when one of us finds that person everyone is told they'll one day find. The one. Yeah, right. Jasper thought he found her, and we saw how that turned out. And me? It's never going to happen for me. They all know me, even though they really don't. They can pretend that my past doesn't matter, but that's always going to be a lie. They'll either have sex on their minds, or they'll avoid starting anything with me. Who wants to bring Isabella Swan home to meet the parents as the new girlfriend? No one. So maybe Jasper is the best that I can do, but unfortunately, he knows that we would never work. If I cared enough about not being alone, and if I was cruel enough, I'd work hard to change his mind, but he's not what I want. And I guess I'm stupid enough to hope that maybe one day, if I find what I want, it will be stupid enough to want me back.

Thanks so much for reading. Let me know what you think about Jasper, Bella, Jasper and Bella, New York, burgers, etc. I'll be back next week.

xo