A/N-Decided to treat you all to another chapter already so you can see how things turn out with Nick finding out about Greg and what he's been doing to himself. Again, I really do love you all for giving my story such great reviews!
Nick made Greg take off his pants. After much protest, he finally did. Nick gasped seeing the cuts on his legs too. "Jesus, Greg. How can you do this to yourself?"
Greg shrugged. "My body is already a mess of scars. No one would really know any difference," he said as he sat on the edge of the bathtub while Nick got out ointment and band aids to place on the cut on his leg that was bleeding.
"That's not what I mean. Why are you doing this?" He asked him as he studied the damage he had done to himself. He also suddenly realized that Greg was letting him touch him, although he did not give him much choice. It was the first time since he first came home he really seen some of his other marks and burns. They didn't look as bad anymore as much as the new cuts did.
Greg looked down at Nick tenderly applying the medication to the cut. "You don't have to do that. I'll be fine." Nick just glanced up at him momentarily with a look that told him to shut up and let him do what he was doing. Greg did not say anymore.
Nick finished putting on the band aid and then sat back on his knees and looked at the tortured soul that was his boyfriend. "Okay, if you aren't going to talk to me, you are going to talk to someone. I'm taking you to see that doctor who was assisting you at the hospital. She gave me her card. I'll call her first thing in the morning and set up an appointment."
Greg looked down at the tile floor. He couldn't look at Nick anymore, he felt too ashamed. "It helps me forget the painful memories I can't control. These cuts and the pain it brings, I can control it and it helps me forget the other pain. It gives me something new to focus on," he told him meekly.
Nick looked at his arms again. On his left one alone he saw at least 15 some cuts marks, some deeper than others. He suddenly worried if he ever thought of taking a final cut to his wrists and ending his life.
Greg lifted his eyes some and saw the older man staring at his arms and hands. He got the idea of what he was thinking. "I've never thought about killing myself, if you are wondering. I couldn't do that to you. I know you tried so hard to find me. Everyone tells me that you were the only one who didn't give up on finding me. All the shit I've been putting you through since you found me and yet here you are, tending to my wounds," he said with a sad smile.
Nick raised his hand suddenly in an attempt to touch his lover's face but he flinched away. His felt sadness tear at his heart. "I would never hit you, Baby. You got to know that."
Greg sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. I do know…it's just…" he didn't know how to explain himself.
"You know what, you don't have to explain. Four months…it had to have brainwashed you a little. I flinched from bugs for a few years after being buried alive."
"Hmm, brainwashed, I guess that's one way to put it." He looked back up at Nick. "Can I put my pants back on and can we leave the bathroom?"
Nick mouth quirked. "Yeah, sure. But first, tell me where you have the blades."
Greg chewed on his lower lip before speaking. "In the cabinet, behind the bandages and well, the pocket knife you gave me I used tonight. I guess I cut a bit deeper than normal tonight."
"Where is the pocket knife?" Nick asked him.
"It's in the bedroom, in my pants pocket still," he told him.
"Okay, I'm going to take them. You can do what you need to do and I'll meet you in the living room," Nick said to him as he got up from his kneeling position.
Greg nodded somberly and grabbed his pants and put them back on. He saw Nick take the blade from behind the bandages and start checking elsewhere. He didn't trust him, Greg knew. He could not blame him. He left him alone in the bathroom and went out into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He leaned back his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. He thought about the events of the evening. He thought about seeing Chris' face again, this time the deathly gray. Jasper had to have killed him and he was still out there. It scared the crap out of him.
He reached around his backside and slid his hand under the waistband of his pants and felt where Jasper had marked him as his. He would never escape his possession and his fear of him as long as he was still out there running around free.
Nick had come out quietly and saw him feeling where he now knew he was marked. He could see the anguish on his face. He knew he had four months of suffering to carry around with him and it was not something he was easily going to forget. He thought about what he said about him cutting himself, having control over his pain. He guessed he could understand it to some point, but still it bothered him greatly that he had done so much damage to himself.
"Greg," he called his name. Greg quickly pulled his hand off the offending mark and looked at Nick, with wide eyes. "Yeah?"
Nick sat down in the chair next to the sofa. "You really think he's going to come after you again, don't you?"
He nodded slowly in response. "You don't know him like I do, Nick. You …you just don't know," he said, his voice quivering some.
Nick sighed. He could see he was really scared. "Do you think he will kill you?"
He shook his head. "No, I told you, he thinks he owns me. I am his possession. He was my…my Master and I know you hearing me say that just disgusts you, but it is true. He had me call him it over and over again. He just loves his control over me. His time in prison made him worse. He said men there made him his bitch and he said it was because I sent him there. He said he would never be anyone's 'bitch' again. And because it was my fault he was going to make me pay for the rest of my life, he told me. I believe he planned on keeping me there until I died from whatever killed me."
"Yeah but when we found you, you were nearly dead," Nick said to him.
"Yes, but they had been there earlier and well yes, messed with me badly enough to leave me to lose consciousness again. But that had happened before. When I got in that bad of shape, they would not bother me at all for a few days. He would come down with some food at one point and water and then just leave. I would be starting to feel a little bit better and then he or they would be back and then the cycle began again. So you see he kept me alive when he could have killed me if he really wanted to. I am a toy for him. He took pleasure in torturing and raping me. It's all about control." Greg told him. He bowed his head and rubbed his eyes. He hated talking about Jasper. He just didn't think he could get Nick to understand his fears.
The Texan frowned. "Well, we're doing the best we can to find him. We got security at the house here. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you again."
Greg lifted his head and looked at him somberly. "You're not superman, Nick. I know sometimes you like to think you are but you can't solve everyone's problems."
Nick suddenly stood up and looked down on him in frustration. "Don't you think I know that? I couldn't prevent you from getting kidnapped and tortured. And now, I find out you've been hurting yourself and I couldn't stop that either. I'm trying to do the best I can by you and I feel like I am failing miserably," he told him, ending in a solemn tone. He shook his head and walked away, going to his bedroom and shutting the door.
Greg sat there feeling a bit stunned by his reaction. He knew he would've been better off living with Sara or someone else after he got out of the hospital. He knew he was only going to cause pain for Nick. He didn't want to hurt him. He sighed and got up.
He walked up to the door to the bedroom they use to share before all hell broke loose. He put his hand on the handle and turned it to open the door. He saw Nick lying face down on the bed. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. Nick didn't move. He chewed on his lower lip, trying to think out what he was going to say.
"You aren't failing me, Nick. You've been wonderful to me. Probably better than I deserve. I kept a lot of things about my past from you and perhaps if I had not, none of this would have happened. But that's beside the point. I love you and I just wish I wasn't feeling so miserable about myself that I could show you how I feel but I'm not there yet. I still need to clear my head a bit more. I need some of these memories to stop haunting me on a daily basis before I am ready."
Nick had turned his head during his speech and was watching him talk. Greg was not even looking at him when he was talking but he was talking with his hands, like he did so often. When he was talking about the memories in his head, Greg had been moving his hands around his head, showing his own frustration. He moved and rolled onto his side to face him.
"Greg, I don't need you to show me you love me, I know you do. I know you will come to me when you are ready again. I'm just concerned that you talking to me is not enough. You need to talk to that doctor, Dr. Warren. Maybe she can help you clear your head more. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who does not have an emotional connection to you." He heard Greg snort. "What?"
"It's just funny you talking about seeing a shrink when you seem to hate seeing them yourself when anyone suggested you see one in the past," he reminded him.
"Okay, I'll give you that one, but you're situation is different."
"How about I make you a deal? You come with me," he smirked.
"What? You mean you want me to go with you to talk to her?" Nick asked, astonished at the request.
"Yeah, that is what I mean. Maybe you can understand what's tormenting me if you do."
Nick thought for a moment. He already hated hearing about events that happened to Greg and was not sure he wanted to hear more. But Greg was right, it would help him deal with him better. "Okay, I'll give it a shot, for you, even though you know I hate shrinks. I'll do it for you." He earned a genuine smile from his partner.
"Good. So with that settled, can I go get some sleep now? I am really tired. It's been a long day."
"Sure. We'll talk again when we wake up. I love you, Greggo."
"I love you too. Goodnight, Nick." Greg smiled and left the bedroom that Nick hoped someday soon they would share again.
Screaming woke him up again. He jumped out of bed and ran to his bedroom. He was thrashing about in bed, screaming, "No!"
"Greg, baby, wake up," he yelled as he came in the room. He reached out and touched his shoulder and that woke him. His eyes flew open, full of terror. "Greg, it's okay. It's me," Nick said quickly, trying to calm his fears. He could see he was breathing fast. He hoped he didn't start hyperventilating again.
Greg saw that it was Nick and not Jasper and calmed down some. He sat up in bed and brought his knees up to his chest and lowered his head to them. "I'm sorry I woke you up again."
Nick could hear the suffering in his voice and it tore him up. "You want to talk about it?"
He didn't lift his head, but he did talk. "It was him again, but different this time. He told me I was the reason he killed Chris. He told me I was responsible for his death because I didn't go back to him. He said if I had just been a good little slave he wouldn't have had to kill him," he told him, giving him the short version.
"That's your mind playing with you, your guilty conscious. You can't let his death get to you. He was just as responsible for getting himself killed for doing what he did to you. Chris took part in something that, as far as I am concerned, should have earned him a death sentence anyway. You are NOT responsible for any of Jasper's actions," Nick told him clearly.
Greg lifted his head up, finally and looked at Nick. He reached out his right hand. Nick reached out his hand and took Greg's in his. "If I have not told you before, thank you for being so patient with me."
"Anytime, G. Do you want to try to get some more sleep or stay up? I think we got about 6 hours sleep," he said to him.
"Stay up and maybe you can make that appointment with that shrink," he smiled sheepishly.
"Okay. I'll make some breakfast for us too," Nick smiled back at him.
"I'm going to take a shower and I'll be out." He saw Nick give him a leery look. He knew what it was for. "I won't cut myself. Besides you took everything."
"Okay, don't be too long though."
"I won't." Greg waited until Nick was gone and then grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom. He wasn't able to cut himself but he could still take a scalding hot shower to cause some pain and he did just that. He kept track of how long he was in there though, so Nick would not get worried and come in. The heat helped him wash off the feel of Jasper that always came to him after a nightmare.
He came out about 15 minutes later and went to the kitchen table. The smell of bacon and pancakes made his stomach growl. Nick came over with a plate of food and placed it in front of him and then sat down with his own plate of food. He looked at Greg and noticed he seemed very flush. He didn't want to but he had to. "Let me see your arms."
Greg looked up, a look of hurt in his eyes. "What? I didn't do anything."
"Then you will have no problem showing me your arms," Nick stated.
Greg pouted and pulled up his one sleeve and then the other one. Nick could see his arms looked sort of red but no new cuts. "There! Do you want to see my legs too?" Greg retorted.
"No, but you did take a hot shower, didn't you?" Nick asked him.
"I always take hot showers," he replied shortly.
"You know what I mean. Like that first time you came home, you were taking a scalding hot shower."
Greg pushed his sleeves back down and then glared at Nick. "You're an ass sometimes, Nick."
Nick smirked at that. "Yeah, but you only say that when I am right." He lightened up a little. "I'm just worried and I hate seeing you hurt yourself after what you've been through already."
Greg was tired of arguing. "Can't we just eat in peace?"
The Texan could see he won. "Fine, we can eat in peace. But just to let you know, Dr. Warren has a slot open today at 4pm, so I signed us up."
"Okay," he said defeated. He was tired and sore and couldn't deal with arguing anymore.
Nick felt a bit guilty as he watched Greg eating slowly, mostly picking at his food. He would forget what he was dealing with in Greg lately. He forgot he was dealing with a very sensitive soul.
"You know, we have not decided on Thanksgiving yet and it is only a few days away," he asked, deciding to go to a new subject.
Greg kept looking down at his food. "I rather not deal with any family members right now; all their questions and worry. Can we just have a quiet one here at home?" he asked, finally picking up his head and giving his best puppy dog eyes.
Nick smiled. "Okay, but we are going to owe them for Christmas."
"I think by then I will be able to deal."
"What about work? Have you thought about when you want to go back?"
Greg went back to picking at his food. He had thought about it some but felt the same way about co-workers as he did with family. "I'll see maybe another week or two."
Nick thought him going back to work would be good to take his mind off his other problems but he was not going to push him. He already did enough with other things. "Okay, whenever you are ready let me know and I will let Catherine know."
They went back to finishing their meal in quiet.